The anger in Father Mallard’s voice was clear for all to hear. “I would suggest you counsel your family on the merits of silence. If I hear even the slightest rumor, I will take all necessary actions to protect the reputation of this church.”
“Is this a threat?” I ask, stunned by the subtle insinuation.
“Think of it as an incentive to remain diligent, John,” Father Mallard said coldly. He rose from behind his desk and left the room.
John looked at Adam in confusion. “I do not like being threatened.”
Adam agreed. “Neither do I, John.”
My clerical collar feels like a noose around my desk. I am angry. Father Mallard was out of line, and I will not let anything or anyone hurt Gail. I need to see my daughter. I have an overwhelming urge to look at her beautiful face. What is happening to me? I know I will never be a part of her life. Should anyone outside the church discover the truth about my daughter, it would force me to admit my sin to the congregation, and further hurt and shame my family. I will not let that happen.
The drive back to the hospital takes about ten minutes. It was nearing the end of visiting hours and I feel relieved to see her room empty of visitors. I do not want to see Adam. My face still aches from our earlier confrontation. The only light illuminating Gail’s hospital room is a small night light over her hospital bed. She looks fragile lying there with her leg propped up on pillows. I once again feel a tightening in my chest. I walk over to her bed and gently touch her hand with my fingertips. The brush of my fingers awakens Gail. When she opens her eyes, my heart nearly stopped beating because I am staring at my eyes. I am trying in vain to control the tsunami that erupts in me when I hear her timid voice.
“Uncle John, is that you?”
“Yes, my little angel,” I say as I lean forward and kiss her forehead. “Why are you awake?”
“My leg hurts, and I can’t sleep. I’m afraid to be here alone.”
Moving closer, I lower the guardrail and sit gently on the edge of the bed. “Hold my hand sweetheart and close your eyes. I will stay with you until you fall asleep. Would you like me to sing something for you?”
“Yes, Uncle John. It might help me to fall asleep.”
“Close your eyes and relax.”
In hushed tones, I sing one of my favorite sacred arias, Schubert’s Wiegenlied OP #2, Milli Cherubini in Cuori. My voice is rusty. I haven’t sung this aria in at least a year. By the time I finish for the third time, Gail is sleeping peacefully. I look down at the hand I am holding and wish I could tell her the truth. In my heart, I know I will never have the joy of acknowledging her as my daughter. It would destroy her young life. I kiss the hand that I am holding, adjust her blanket, and when I turn to leave the room, Adam is standing in the doorway.
Adam stood in the doorway and fought the urge to throttle his brother once again. He could not ignore the fact that his brother loved Gail. He walked up to John and placed a hand on his shoulder. Whispering, he said, “Come out into the hallway. I want to speak to you.”
Adam bent down to kiss Gail and left the room. “Why are you here John?”
“Why would I not be here? You know why I am here. I do not play games, Adam. I only want what is best for my….for Gail. We have to resolve this one way or the other.”
Adam’s hands balled into fists. “You may be Gail’s biological father, but you will never have a father-daughter relationship with her. I am the only parent Gail has known, and you will stay away from her.”
“I have already spoken to Father O’Connell and I told him the truth. Gail is my daughter, and no amount of arguing or fist fighting is going to erase that fact. How we deal with the truth is what matters now.”
Gail, hearing voices outside her room opened her eyes. Her father and Uncle John were within hearing distance. Her father sounds angry. Why is he raising his voice to Uncle John?
“Do you want to know how I’m going to deal with the truth? I am going home to take care of my traumatized wife. I will help her cope with the memories of that night. The memories are coming back to her. How do you think my daughter will handle the fact that her precious uncle, the priest, raped her mother? Tell me, how do you expect me to tell my little girl that I am not her biological father? No amount of prayer will solve this problem. I want you out of our lives. Go back to California and leave us alone.”
“I won’t deny that I am happy knowing Gail is my daughter. I already told you I regret what happened between Lydia and myself. Naturally, you want me to go away. I cannot do that because I am tired of running from the past.”
“Do you think it was easy for me adjusting to life as a priest? I resolved myself into accepting that I would never have a wife, never have children, never again feel the touch of a woman. I prayed for guidance, and Our Lord answered my prayers. I have lived my life according to His will. The fact that I am Gail’s biological father changes nothing. You are her father, and always will be.”
Gail bit her lip to stop the scream that erupted from her throat. Uncle John is my dad! How could he rape my mom? No..no..no!!
“No! No! No!” Adam heard Gail screaming and ran into her room. John followed. “Gail honey, what’s wrong?”
Sobbing hysterically, Gail grabbed Adam’s hand. “Please, Daddy; tell me it’s not true. Tell me that you are my father. Please.”
Father Brady turned and left the room.
Chapter 9
Like a coward, I once again run from my past. The sound of Gail’s hysterical crying has me physically ill. I am fighting the urge to vomit. I cannot hear what Adam is saying to her. Dear God, I beg of you, help me to cope with the turmoil I have caused.
Adam cradled his daughter in his arms. “Please Gail, take a few deep breaths. I need you to calm down. Let me call Mom, and we will explain everything to you.”
He walked over to the other side of the room and called Lydia. “I need you at the hospital now. Gail heard John and me talking. She knows the truth and is crying.”
Lydia called her sister-in-law. “I have to go to the hospital. Can you check on Bobby while I am at the hospital?”
“What’s happened? Is Gail alright?”
“Have you talked to Adam? Did he tell you what happened yesterday?”
“Yes. We spoke last night and this morning. I am sorry Lydia. I don’t know what else to say. What’s wrong with Gail?”
“Adam confronted John outside her room, and they argued. Gail heard them talking, and now she knows the truth. I have to go to her now.”
Running up to Bobby’s room, Lydia kissed him on the cheek she said, “I have to see Gail. She is not feeling well. Dad is with her now. I’ll call you as soon as I can.”
Bobby leaned in for a hug. “Tell Gail I love her.”
“I will Bobby. She knows you love her.”
As Lydia drove to the hospital, she struggled to find the appropriate words. Might as well get everything out in the open she thought as she drove into the parking garage.
Lydia found John standing outside of Gail’s room. He was deathly pale and sweating. Lydia walked up to him, raised her hand, and slapped his face. “I hate the sight of you. How could you do this to me? You hide behind the church, but you are still a rapist.” She heard Gail crying and it tore her up inside. “Do you hear Gail crying? You did this to her! Why are you here? You lost the right to be a part of my family when you raped me. I hope you rot in hell.”
Upon entering the room, she found Gail crying in Adam’s arms. He looked up at her, and the sadness and pain in his beautiful blue eyes made her knees weak. Walking over to the bed, Lydia leaned in to kiss Gail and sat in the chair next to the bed. She folded her hands in her lap to stop them from shaking. John entered the room but kept a respectable distance and remained by the door.
John, who remained standing in the doorway, spoke first. “Gail, I am sorry I have upset you. I know you are confused, and I will attempt to explain everything to you.” Moving closer, he stood at the foot of the bed. “It
would be best if I start with my childhood. Your father and I always had a complicated relationship, and the fault lies with me. I resented him for many reasons that I do not want to discuss today. As I grew into adulthood, the resentment grew stronger. He took someone away from me that I treasured. For the first time in my life, I felt love for someone, and he took that away from me.”
The shock on Lydia’s face made him cringe. Looking at her, he said, “You knew I loved you. I told you many times how I felt, but you never gave our relationship a chance to develop. You set your eyes on Adam, and that was the end of our relationship. I never had the opportunity to accept the end of our relationship. You were always throwing your happiness in my face, and it made me angry and bitter. What made me more indignant was my inability to stay away from you. If I could not have you as a lover, I wanted you as a friend.”
“I thought I could handle being close to you, but I couldn’t. My love for you grew stronger until it strangled me. I did something incredibly stupid and wrong on so many levels. I drugged you and took advantage of you. It was the worst day of my life. When I awoke from my drunken stupor, the guilt nearly killed me. I contemplated taking my life, but being the selfish bastard that I was at the time, I did not have the courage to kill myself.”
“I ran to the church and confessed everything. I had to get the vileness out of my body. I had to find a way to seek forgiveness and cleanse my body of the guilt. On some level, I was relieved you did not remember what had happened. It made leaving much easier for me knowing you would not remember. Had I know you were pregnant…well…I do not know what I would have done at the time. I was too young and apparently lacking the morals to make any decision.”
“I have been accused of hiding behind the sanctity of the church to avoid punishment. Believe me when I say that I have punished myself far beyond the laws of justice. My faith is the one tangible reality in my life. I hope that all of you can forgive me for my past transgressions, and know I am a changed man. What happened that night will weigh heavily on my soul for the remainder of my life. Every day I strive to be a better person, a better priest. I do love all of you and pray for forgiveness.” John wiped a tear from his face, turned, and left the room.
Adam and Lydia looked at each other, apparently shocked by his confession. Gail turned to her mother and opened her arms. Lydia sat beside her daughter and cradled her gently. “It’s ok honey. Daddy and I love you so very much. Nothing that was said today will change how much we love you.”
Gail looked at Adam with sadness in her eyes. “Don’t be upset, munchkin. You will always be my baby girl. No one will ever love you more than I do. I want you to lie back and go to sleep. Mommy and I will be here when you wake up. Always remember that we love you.”
“Daddy, will you hold my hand until I fall asleep?”
Taking off his shoes, Adam carefully climbed into bed and wrapped his arm around Gail. “I’ll always be here for you Gail. Close your eyes and let me hold you for a little while. I miss holding my baby girl.”
Gail closed her eyes and held her father’s hand as she slowly relaxed. Lydia felt hot tears stream down her face. Silently, she said to Adam, “I love you.”
“Love you too sweetheart, always will.”
Chapter 10
I don’t know what to do with myself. I cannot go back to the rectory. My mind is racing with many unresolved emotions. I feel the urge to run away. I do not know how long I have been driving, or where I am. The look of disappointment on Gail’s beautiful face cuts like a knife. She hates me. I feel it down to my marrow. I will never have a relationship with her. I will soon feel the wrath of my entire family and rightly deserve their ire. I am so tired. I have to stop driving before I cause an accident.
Bright light awakens me and I slowly open my eyes. Looking at my watch, I soon realize I have been in this parking lot for close to eight hours. It’s late morning, and my head is pounding from the uncomfortable sleeping position. I need help, but who can help me? Mary is a forgiving soul. I need to speak to her.
“Why are you calling me John?” The tone of her voice is not a pleasant one. She too is angry with me.
“Hello, Mary. I am sorry to bother you. Can I stop by your house later this afternoon? I need to speak to you.”
Mary loved her brother and hearing the pain in his voice broke her heart. “Where are you?”
“I don’t know. I have been driving all night, and I pulled into a parking lot and fell asleep in my car. I do not want to go back to the rectory. I do not know what to do with myself. The guilt and shame are killing me. I need someone to talk to who will not hit me. Please, Mary, I will not take much of your time. Can you meet me at Pat’s in two hours? I’ll buy you a cheesesteak with fries.”
Unable to resist Pat’s steaks, she agreed. “You really know how to bribe a person, don’t you?”
“I know your soft spot, and it appears it hasn’t changed after all these years. Thank you, Mary. I’ll see you soon.”
I feel like a bug under a microscope as I sit here waiting for Mary. The sun is beating down on my black clothing, which is only making me more uncomfortable. I am anxious to see her, and pray she does not reject me.
Mary sat in her car and watched her brother squirm under the hot sun. He looked dejected and while her heart ached for him, she was angry and disappointed with him. What am I going to say to him?
John saw his sister approach his table and fought the urge to flee. He stood to greet her. “Mary, I would like to thank you for agreeing to see me on such short notice. Please have a seat. Would you like something to eat or drink?”
“A cold bottle of water would be nice. It’s so hot today, and I have a headache.”
John returned to the table with two bottles of cold water. “I was surprised when you agreed to see me. I know that Lydia and Adam are angry with me, and I cannot fault them. What I did in my past life still haunts me.”
“I am torn between two brothers that I love dearly. I only have one question for you. I want to know why you would do something so vile to your sister-in-law.”
“I was stupid Mary. My drug abuse and drinking clouded my judgment. It’s as simple as that. I felt it was best for everyone to disappear.”
“Mary, I was adopted shortly after I was born. I found the papers in the steamer trunk when I was sixteen. It explains my rare blood type. I always felt different, like I did not belong. After you and Adam had been born, things changed in the house. It felt like I was pushed aside, and I felt lonely and isolated. You and Adam received the love I desperately wanted.”
“I never told Mom and Dad that I found the adoption papers. It was obvious they wanted to keep this information from me.”
Mary’s crying breaks my heart. I lean forward to touch her arm. “Do not cry for me Mary. My path in life has been difficult, but Our Lord Jesus Christ is an ever-present guiding force in my life.”
“Have you tried finding your parents? Did you discuss this with Mom and Dad?”
“I never asked, and at this point, I do not want to know. My existence had already caused so much trouble for my family. My anger and resentment festered for so long that it broke me. It robbed me of my morality, and evil so vile seeped into my soul.”
“Entering the priesthood was my only chance at salvation. I wound up on the sidewalk outside the seminary. I was sitting on the curb, deciding whether I had made the right decision. Father Randall saved my life. He helped me withdraw from drugs and alcohol and guided my path to the church. If it were not for him, I probably would not be here today. I wanted to die and had I not found my path in life, I would have eventually taken my life.”
Leaning on the table, she held John’s hands in hers. “I always wondered why there were no pictures of you in the house all of these years. I love you, Johnny, with all of my heart. ‘Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.’ I am proud to call you my brother.”
Smiling, John kissed her hand. “I will always be your brother, but I
also want to be your friend. I have prayed for many years and served Our Lord at his choosing, hoping to be cleansed of this memory. Sadly, I carry it with me daily. My only wish is to continue serving Our Lord.”
Mary sat for several tense minutes as she absorbed those words. John Brady was a changed, broken man. The ghosts of the past continued to torture him. He looked gaunt, and with the bruise still creeping up his face, tired. “I find it hard to associate the man you are now with the vile act you committed. Lydia is not in a good place right now, and that is your fault. I have never seen Adam so distraught. He always has control of his emotions. What do you intend to do about Gail? She knows the truth. Adam fears he will lose his daughter.”
“My priority must be Adam, Lydia, and Gail. I need to heal the painful memories and bring peace to their souls. My parents are not my concern. God forgive me, but I do not want to see them.”
Chapter 11
The nightmare returned, only this time, Lydia saw the face of her attacker. He hovered over her, demanding entrance to her body. She felt the heaviness of his body as he pressed her into the bed. So dark, the images faded in and out, his head is between her legs, licking, tasting, fingers digging into her thighs, darkness again. She felt the burn as he penetrated her roughly. She did not want this. She tried to push him away. Her body felt funny, and she was unable to focus. No, no, no, where is Adam? Where is Adam?
“WHERE IS ADAM?” Lydia bolted upright in bed with a scream that traveled throughout the house. Adam and Bobby were in the kitchen making lunch. Startled by the sudden sound of her screaming he looked at his son and said, “Stay here. I don’t want your mother to see you.”
Adam quickly ran up to their bedroom and when he opened the door, the sight of his wife panting for breath and gripping the bed sheets stabbed his heart. Goddamn, John, I could kill him! He ran to Lydia and gathered her in his arms. “Hush sweetheart, it was only a dream. You’re safe honey; no one will ever hurt you.”
The Confession Page 7