“We have spoken several times this past month. I have requested Laicization more than once, and you refused to process my request. My life is in limbo. I have made plans for my future, and I can no longer wait to resolve this matter. This process takes time. I am unable to accept my new position. I am unable to marry the woman I love. I am unable to adopt her children.”
Father Mallard’s anger rose to the surface. “I want to convey to you that I am saddened and disappointed by your decision. Have you lost your faith, John? Are you certain this is the correct path to take? Can I convince you to reconsider your decision? Who is the woman that you want to marry? Are you making a hasty decision? What new position have you accepted?”
“My decision to resign is not a question of faith Father Mallard, but rather a realization that I have lived a lonely life, and I want the opportunity to be a husband and father. My love for my daughter has changed me and made me realize that I want a legacy. Two small children without a father need my love and support. Their mother has touched my heart so completely it astounds me. My love for them is strong and overpowering. I want nothing more than to grow old with them. Please understand Father Mallard that for as long as I live, they own my heart.”
“I have accepted the position of Pastor at The Faith Baptist Church. My faith remains strong Father Mallard, only the vessel that conveys the Word of God has changed. I have found a way to serve Our Lord and have the family I so desperately want and need.”
“I understand John, although you disappoint me. I had hoped to retire at the end of the year. The church needs young priests. You do realize that your oaths remain in effect until you receive a formal confirmation from the Vatican. The process of Laicization will take several months. You may be required to meet with the Cardinal. Until that time, you still have the option to withdraw your request.”
“I will not withdraw my application. When my release is final, I will marry Jennifer and adopt her children.”
“Well, I guess there’s nothing more I can say, John,” Father Mallard said as he walked around the desk. “In some respect, I am happy you’ve resigned. Having a rapist in my church is something I want to avoid.”
Anger rose in John. “If this is how you feel, why did you delay my application for Laicization? If you wanted to get rid of me, why delay my request?”
“I wanted to punish you, John. I had time to read your file, and it surprised me that no one disciplined you. You had free reign to move about with no supervision. What you did to that young woman is a crime. This is my way of punishing you. I delayed your request.”
John sat for several minutes as he digested what Father Mallard had just said to him. “You disappoint me, Father Mallard. I have said many times that my past is a part of my permanent record. I had several meetings with Father Randall and the Archbishop before my vows, and I once again repented for past sins. I pledged to be a faithful priest. I promised to remain faithful to the teachings of the Bible. I worked diligently throughout my life as a priest to stay true to my vows. I have never disgraced the position I held within the church. I remind you of Psalms 32-1-2: Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sins the Lord does not count against him. I leave here today with a clear conscience because Our Lord has forgiven me. I know my family has forgiven me. I was a good priest. You cannot take that away from me, and as I enter into the next chapter of my life, I know without a doubt I will be a good Pastor, husband, and father.”
I feel an immense sense of relief as I leave the rectory. Father Mallard’s words hurt me deeply. He does not hold faithful to the meaning of Christian forgiveness. How could he not see who I am now? What Father Mallard said to me today resolves any doubts that I made the correct decision. When I step outside and into the hot sun, my beautiful Jennifer opens her arms to me. It amazes me that she can read me so well. My heart surges with happiness. I am walking away from one life and into the arms of another. I feel blessed beyond measure, and I will cherish it all the days of my life.
“How was your meeting?”
“It went as well as can be expected. Father Mallard understood and accepted my decision, however; he had a few unkind parting words for me. Apparently, he is disappointed with my decision, and as punishment for past sins, he ignored my requests. If I had any doubts that I made the right decision, his parting words cleared them up for me. He is a bitter man, and I pray for his immortal soul.”
“Are you sad?”
“No, I feel relieved. I can now focus on the next chapter of my life. I want to take the children to the zoo. They have been asking me to take them to see the animals for several days. I am finally free to devote my life to you and the children. This is a happy day for me. I have an instant family and it feels wonderful.”
The process of Laicization was long, and in the months that followed John’s resignation from the priesthood, he found it awkward resuming his life. Many members of the church whispered as rumors spread throughout the parish. His absence from Sunday Mass fueled the rumors. The Sunday following his official resignation, Father O’Connell made the announcement before services. There were audible whispers, and several church members shook their heads in disgust. The resignation of a priest is always difficult to accept, especially a priest that everyone admired.
The Sunday following the announcement, John stunned the parishioners of his parish by arriving for services with Jennifer by his side, Olivia in his arms, and Jason holding his hand. Several church members gasped audibly as John and Jennifer took their seat next to his parents. When the mumbling failed to cease, Colin stood to address the congregation. Father O’Connell had just entered the church and witnessed the exchange.
“I have never seen my son smile the way he does now. Does he not deserve to be happy? Do any of you have the right to condemn my son?”
John stood, placed a soothing hand on his father’s shoulder, and asked him to sit. He needed to address the congregation. “Please everyone; let me explain my decision. It is not my intention to upset the congregation, and if my presence is upsetting everyone, my family, and I will find another church. My decision to request Laicization is apparent. My love for Jennifer, Olivia, and Jason is overwhelming. I want to be a husband to Jennifer, and father to Olivia and Jason. I want to come home to children who run into my arms with unconditional love in their hearts. I want a wife by my side who will love me in good times and bad, and who will be my partner in life. I know some of you disagree with my decision; however, I will not apologize. I hope you understand that it was the only decision I could make. I love all of them with every fiber of my being.”
John resumed his seat next to Jennifer. Visibly shaken by the confrontation, Jennifer reached out to hold his hand. Olivia, sensing that he was upset, stood next to him in the pew, wrapped her little arms around his neck, and said, “Don’t be sad Daddy, I love you.” With that simple statement, he relaxed.
“I love you too, chubby cheeks. Thank you, Olivia, I feel better.”
Oliva leaned in and whispered in his ear. “I like calling you Daddy.”
Wrapping a protective arm around his little girl, John said, “I like it too, sweetheart. I want to be your Daddy.”
As time passed, John grew into his new life. His return to his parent’s home turned out to be the most surprising. Colin and John bonded in a way they never had before, and that made Margaret happy. Every morning, they sat together and ate breakfast. They supported John while he waited for his official release date. He familiarized himself with the teachings of the Baptist Church. There were subtle differences in ideology, and he found that fascinating.
Every day started with breakfast with his parents, mornings devoted to religious study, afternoons and evening surrounded by his new family. As Thanksgiving approached, Margaret thought it would be a good idea to cook for the entire family.
Jennifer felt apprehensive about having dinner with his family. “Why are you a nervous honey? They are your new family. I spo
ke to Lydia last week, and she is excited about sharing Thanksgiving with you and the children. Relax and enjoy the day. We will have many more holiday celebrations as a family.”
“I know John. Your mother and father have been so wonderful to us. Margaret is in love with Olivia and Jason, and they love her. I have been alone for a long time. My family lives in Colorado, and we are not close. Craig was the only family that I had, and when he died, it broke me. And then, this good-looking man walked into my life and swept me off my feet.”
John blushed. She smiled. “Why do you blush when I tell you how I feel?”
“Honestly? I sometimes think you are speaking about another person. I am still navigating the nuances of a long-term relationship. I dream about you, Jenny. I have vivid dreams, and when you say things like that to me, my heart feels like it will explode out of my chest.”
She snuggled closer to him and whispered, “What do you dream about John? Can you tell me?”
Heat crept up his neck, as sweat trickled down his back. “I dream of making love to you honey. I dream of running my hands over your soft body. I dream of feeling myself in you, touching the deepest part of your soul. I’ve never felt this way about anyone Jenny. I know God sent you to me, and it is taking all of my strength to keep my vow.”
“Would it be a sin if I touched you?”
“It would be a sin if I reacted to your touch. I’m not made of steel honey. I struggle daily with my desire for you. I am still trying to separate the religious doctrine from my feelings and desires for you. Until I am no longer an ordained Catholic priest, I need to maintain control.”
“What would happen if you lose control? Would it be a mortal sin if you satisfied those feelings?”
“Yes, it would be a mortal sin. Every form of sexual gratification, whether it is watching pornography, having impure thoughts, to masturbation, for a priest, is a sin in the eyes of the Catholic faith. These doctrines are a part of me, Jenny. It is not easy breaking free from nineteen years of ideology. Please be patient with me honey.”
Jennifer pressed herself closer to him and wrapped her arm around his body. “Can you describe your dream for me, John? I want to hear the words.”
John removed the hand she had wrapped around him and slowly moved it down to his erection. He squeezed her hand around his arousal. “This is what I dream about Jenny. I want this more than I can say. I don’t know how long I can keep my vow. My desire for you grows stronger every day. It is becoming difficult hiding this from you.”
“Why hide it from me? I can help you. I can relieve the pressure without making love. You don’t have to suffer needlessly. What we do behind closed doors is our business. Let me take care of you John.”
“No Jenny. If you do, I won’t be able to stop myself.”
“Let me ask you a question. Why would it be wrong if I touched you? We are engaged to be married. We love each other. Being intimate is an expression of our love. Do you want me to touch you?”
“More than I can say, Jenny. It’s all I’ve thought about for a very long time.”
Slowly she ran her hand up and down his aching erection. The sensation felt wonderful. John closed his eyes and let the arousal take control. Jennifer unzipped his jeans, and he felt the blessed relief as his erection sprang free. Her hands were soft as they gently caressed him. Breathing deeply, he tried to control the rising need that gripped him. His hips thrust slowly as the pressure of her hand intensified.
Jennifer bent her head and took the tip of his penis into her mouth. John’s hand instinctively slid into her hair. Words escaped him. He could only feel. Her other hand caressed him and at that moment, he cried out, “I feel it, Jenny. Oh, I feel it. I love you so much.” Jenny stroked him into a powerful orgasm that robbed him of conscious thought. Thick semen coated her hand as she continued stroking him. His hips thrust violently. His hands gripped the bedspread as he continued to come. It was the most intimate experience of his life. Nothing in his previous life compared to this.
When she returned from the bathroom with a warm washcloth, he blushed. “I can do that honey.”
She brushed his hand away. “Let me to this John. I want to take care of you. How do you feel?”
“I have no words to express how I feel. I have never felt so happy in my entire life. What did I do to deserve such a lovely woman?”
“I ask myself that question every day. We belong to each other John. Would you like to take care of me now?”
“Yes. I would. Show me what to do.”
Jenny showed him what to do. She removed her clothing and sat facing him. She lowered his head to her breast. Her skin was so soft. Her nipples were a beautiful shade of pink. Need, lust, and desire so intense gripped him. His eyes pierced her with hunger so strong she trembled in his arms.
“I want your fingers inside me, John. I want to come in your arms. I want it so badly.”
With trembling hands, John slid two fingers into the heat of her body. Her hips rocked slowly as she found her rhythm. His lips and tongue sucked and caressed her nipples. The sight of her beautiful body taking pleasure from his touch inflamed his desire for her. With his other hand, he freed his cock and felt her grip him again. Their eyes never left each other as they fell apart in each other’s arms.
John kissed the crevice between her breasts. Hot tears burned his eyes and she felt him shake in her arms. He was crying and it broke her heart. “It’s alright John. I know this was an emotional experience for you.”
John fell apart in her arms. The tears refused to stop. He cried for several minutes as Jennifer cradled him in her arms. She was still naked, legs wrapped around his waist, soft breasts brushing against his beautiful face.
With a deep sigh, John relaxed in her arms. “I have so many emotions churning inside me Jenny. I never knew I could feel this way. When you touch me, I wanted to scream to the heavens, thank you for guiding me to this beautiful angel. Holding your lovely, sexy, naked body in my arms is in my heart, heaven. I long for the day when we are husband and wife. I crave the day when I can finally make love to you as your husband.”
“I want you to talk to me, John. I know these emotions and the physical closeness are new experiences for you. You have lacked the touch of a woman for many years. We have plenty of time to discover each other’s body. I want to make you happy John. I want you to fall apart when I touch you. I want you to bury yourself so deep in me that our souls touch. I want all of it, and I want it with you.”
“My beautiful Jenny, I want all of those things too. I want to come home to a house filled with love. I want to feel you against me at night. I want to see your stomach grow with my child. I never knew happiness like this existed. I want to grow old with you. I want to hold my grandchildren in my arms and watch them grow, and I want all of it with you.”
John was about to kiss her again when they heard Jason say, “Mommy, where are you?”
They both laughed. John said, “I think we need to get dressed.”
Chapter 20
Eleven Months Later
A registered letter arrived for John from the Vatican. Margaret held the letter in her hand as she called John. “Where are you? You have a letter from the Vatican.”
“I am helping Jenny fix the basement window. Can you bring the letter over to her house?”
Jennifer heard the conversation. “This is it, John. The waiting is finally over.”
Laughing, he lifted her into his arms and swung her around the basement. “You’re making me dizzy. Put me down please before I throw up.”
“No. I will stop twirling you, but I refuse to put you down. You feel too sexy in my arms.”
“I have to say, Mr. Brady, that you have become very vocal in conveying your feelings towards me.”
“You, my love have freed me. If this letter is my official separation from the church, we are getting married as soon as possible. Mom told me last month that she would plan everything. All we have to do is show up for the ceremony.”
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“Do you think she is in a hurry to get us married?”
“Oh, you can guarantee it. They want grandchildren.”
“Your relationship with your parents is so strong. They love you.”
“Yes it is, and I love them. I feel like a different person. I feel free, for lack of a better word. I feel free from the weight of the past. I feel free to love you without the scorn of others. I just feel incredibly blessed.”
Colin and Margaret arrived with the letter, and a basket full of homemade muffins. The children loved her chocolate chip muffins. She handed the letter to John and he stood looking at it. He was afraid to open it.
Colin barked, “What are you waiting for John? Open the damn letter.”
John opened the letter, read the contents and smiled. Today is the first day of his new life.
Margaret became a whirling dervish as she planned John and Jennifer’s wedding. The couple wanted an intimate wedding with only the immediate family. The days leading up to the wedding were hectic for everyone. Last minute changes to the menu had Margaret screaming at the caterer. John started Thursday morning with a visit from Gail. It surprised him when she knocked on his office door. “Uncle John, It’s Gail, can I come in?”
It surprised John to hear her voice. John rose from his seat and opened the door. “Gail, how are you?”
“I'm all right, Uncle John. I wanted to speak to you before the wedding. Do you have the time now?”
“I always have time for you Gail. Please, sit down. Would you like something to drink? I always keep ginger ale and orange juice in the refrigerator for the children. Jason loves orange juice in his soda. I also have oatmeal raisin cookies that Jenny made yesterday.”
“That sounds good, thanks.”
Several minutes later, they both had cookies and soda. John leaned forward and placed his hands on his desk. “Now that we are high on sugar, what can I do for you, Gail?”
Hesitantly, she said, “I want to say something to you. I’ve had several conversations with my mother in the past few months. We talked about everything, and on some level, I still found it hard letting go of the anger. Something happened to me recently, and it made me re-evaluate the situation.”
The Confession Page 17