by Robin Cain
“And you’re okay with where you’re staying?”
“For now. I’m looking for a place to share the rent. I can’t afford much.”
“Does your roommate need you out or something?”
“No, I just need out. Debbie is kind of a loser.” Tyler probably thought her a loser as well but, in her heart, she knew there was a difference. “I think she’s got some drug issues and I’m not into that scene.”
When Tyler heard the conviction in Sam’s words, he was reminded of his own. He felt an inexplicable attraction to this girl. So streetwise, so determined, so young and yet she was surviving. He liked that about her. With his own troubled times behind him, he knew how tough it could be.
“You know, I admire your honesty. Not every day you meet someone willing to be so open about their life. That’s actually kind of refreshing.” His words brought him a sense of déjà vu. He reached out and touched Sam’s hand, letting her know it was all good.
Jean came to the table with their bill. “Anything else for you guys?” she asked, before setting the check down and clearing away the last of their dishes. They both agreed they couldn’t eat another bite. They thanked Jean and simultaneously pulled out their wallets.
“Let’s split it?” Sam offered.
“No, this one’s on me.”
Tyler took the bill from the table and began to calculate a tip. “Gratuitus maximus?” he said and Sam looked at him quizzically. “Oh, just something an old friend and I used to say. It’s what we called tipping too generously. Up for a little ride?” Tyler asked, after leaving more than enough money to cover the bill.
“Well, it’s getting kind of late and I have to be up tomorrow.”
“Oh, come on. I’ll show you a view of the city I bet you’ve never seen before.”
Sam agreed on the condition that it wouldn’t take too long. They left the restaurant and walked to Tyler’s truck. He opened the passenger side door and stepped aside to let her in.
They arrived at Look-Out Point ten minutes later. The view was much better than Tyler had said. Spread out below like a blanket of sparkling jewels, the twinkling lights of the city created an understated glow in the evening sky. The full moon, its light brilliant against the dark sky, gazed down upon them, smiling.
“She’s a beauty, isn’t she?” Tyler said.
“It’s incredible. This is a great spot.”
“I’ve lived here all my life and I am still impressed every time I come up here.”
For a moment they were both silent, captivated by the magic of the display. The lonely call of a loon echoed in the distance. Noting the chill of the night air, Tyler reached out and covered Sam’s hands with his own. They were cold to his touch. They stood at the ledge, leaning on the solid oak boards of the rail and lost in their own private thoughts. Sam turned and commented on the sadness she saw on Tyler’s face.
“Hey, are you okay?”
“Oh, yeah.”
“No, come on, Tyler. What is it? I’ve told you everything tonight. How about you share some things with me?”
“What things?” he replied, attempting to deflect the question.
“Tell me about you. Tell me your sad story.”
“What sad story could that be?”
“Oh, come on. It’s obvious. You’re hiding something.”
“You know, you’re pretty intuitive for such a young thing.”
“Yeah, well, I’m wise beyond my years,” she laughed. “Come on, we’re friends now, aren’t we? You know too much about me. Give up something.”
“You did kind of load me up with some pretty heavy shit, didn’t you?” Tyler joked. The truth was that her story didn’t really horrify him. Everyone has a past. “No worries, though. I appreciate your honesty.”
“Can you handle it?”
“Oh, sure.” He turned to her and gently took her face in his hands, looked directly into her eyes. “Never be ashamed of who you are. We all do what we have to do to get by. You simply did what you were taught.” He gently kissed her on the cheek.
“You’re amazing,” she whispered in his ear. Those same words, spoken in another place and time, choked Tyler with emotion.
They stood, wrapped in each other’s arms for several minutes, not speaking. Tyler enjoyed the feel of a woman’s arms again and felt himself slowly relaxing. Sam had shared all her darkest secrets. Was she was ready for his?
“So, amazing man,” she said, pulling slightly away from him. “Are you going to tell me you’re really a serial killer? Some psycho escaped from the nut farm? I mean, guys like you aren’t real, are they?”
He laughed. “Be a hell of a thing to find out now that you’re up here alone with a killer nut case, wouldn’t it?”
“I was just thinking the same thing. So, make me feel better. Tell me your story.”
He realized Sam wasn’t going to take no for an answer. He scanned the interior layers of his soul, searching for truths he was willing to share.
Nothing. It hurt too much to open up again.
“I’m sorry, Sam.” His eyes said he wasn’t ready to go further. “I’m definitely not a serial killer, but I probably am a nut job. I’d never intentionally hurt you, though, so don’t worry about anything like that.”
Without saying another word, Sam stood on the very tips of her toes and kissed him softly on the mouth. Her kiss, warm and inviting, caught Tyler off guard. She let her lips linger on his.
The memories of another’s kiss flooded Tyler’s thoughts as Sam’s warm, soft mouth invited him in. His resistance gave way as the undeniable pleasure of this kiss filled the empty places in his soul. He wrapped his arms around her as he gradually gave himself permission to kiss her back. It was a good long while before either of them let go.
seventeen
IT WAS ONE of those rare days in late September when the temperature unexpectedly rises, fooling everyone to believe summer isn’t quite over. Sam and Tyler had been seeing each other as often as their schedules would allow for the last few weeks, but today Tyler had managed to take the entire day off to go four-wheeling with Sam up in the hills. He’d packed a picnic lunch and they were going to spend the day out convening with nature. Sam had been looking forward to it all week. Tyler wasn’t like all the other men she had known. Kind, sincere and gentle, he was a salve to Sam’s injured soul.
By late morning, when they’d made it up to one of the highest points they could safely reach, Tyler picked a small, flat, private meadow on the side of one of the hills. He pulled the bike over to a big shade tree and killed the engine. The view from this spot was perfect for their picnic. The sky was bright blue and cloudless. The surrounding valley lay at their feet like a patchwork quilt with spring shades of purples, yellows and light greens.
“Hey, how’s this look?”
“Perfect. I’m getting hungry!” Sam told him, helping him unload the big cooler he had strapped on the back.
She unfolded the blanket he had brought and laid it out on the ground, a few feet away in the sun. Tyler followed with the cooler. He had packed a huge assortment of food, including bread, cheese and cold cuts—enough to feed an army, Sam noticed. He had brought several varieties of sliced fruit and an entire package of cookies. She knew that, with his good appetite, the food would not go to waste.
“Great ride, eh?” Tyler said.
“Yeah. Kind of scary in parts, you maniac, but I survived.” Tyler laughed at her fears, grabbing her and giving her a big bear hug.
“Ah, you big baby. That was nothing. You should see where I usually go.”
“Well, thank God I didn’t!”
“Next time,” he told her. “Let’s eat. I’m starving.”
Sam watched Tyler make a six-inch creation of everything on hand—salami, bologna, two cheeses, lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, more salami and mustard. While she picked at some bread and cheese, she wondered how he was going to fit it all inside his mouth. He laughed when he noticed her stare at him.
“What? You’ve never seen a guy make a sandwich?”
“That’s not a sandwich. It’s a tower.” He was easy to tease. Good-natured and not easily offended, he didn’t usually take anything personally.
They sat and ate their food, letting the serenity of the hilltop speak to them individually. Taylor finished his sandwich in three bites while Sam continued to just graze at the food. Tyler folded up his jacket to use as a pillow and started ripping open the bag of cookies. Sam grabbed a soda and folded up her jacket as well. They laid side-by-side, with Tyler munching on his cookies as they both enjoyed the warmth of the sun. Sam broke the silence.
“So, are you ever going to tell me the secrets you’re carrying around?”
“I already told you. No secrets.”
“Tyler, please tell me. I want to know who you are.”
Something in her tone and approach caused a small crack in his armor.
“You want to know? You want to know my deal?” he asked, challenging her determination.
“Yes, Tyler, I really do.”
“Okay. I’m... I’m a recovering alcoholic.” AA had taught him to face his demons with honesty, but he had never gotten any good at the making confessions part of the process. He was what he was and, like Sam, he knew there was no reason to try and hide the past. He just hadn’t convinced himself of it yet.
Sam heard Tyler’s words but didn’t offer any of her own. Her mother and grandmother had battled the demons of alcohol and so she knew full well their capabilities. Mean and violent, her grandmother had been the reason Sam had left. She shuddered, remembering the screaming and out-of-control rages she had been subjected to before finally realizing enough was enough. The morning she had left home, her grandmother was passed out on the sofa, laying in the comforting arms of yet another empty gin bottle.
“Hello?”
“Oh, sorry, it’s just that... well, I grew up with alcoholics. You brought some flashbacks. So how long have you been sober?”
“Seven years.”
Sam’s thoughts went back to the past. She couldn’t recall a time when booze wasn’t a part of her family relationships. Her days began with arguments about alcohol when others’ began with breakfast. Memories of her past were of just an endless cycle of booze and broken promises, followed by excuse after excuse and lie after lie. Then there were the inevitable drunken rages. All Sam could finally offer Tyler was, “Good for you. Congratulations.” She wasn’t even convinced of her own sentiments.
“Flashbacks, huh?” He’d left a tremendous trail of hurt in his wake, so he understood what she was remembering.
“Yes, my mother and grandmother,” she reminded him. “They were abusive and useless drunks.”
“Well, drinking is my past, not my future.”
Tyler sat up and reached for Sam’s hand. She let him, realizing his strength and tenderness was a nice change for her, but she did so against her better judgment. They sat there, looking out at the countryside, neither quite sure what to say or do next. Hurt by most people in her life, Sam had no reason to believe Tyler would be any different. He seemed kind, but she had been conned by false promises before. History had taught her well.
They were silent for what seemed like an eternity before Sam finally turned and took Tyler’s face in her hands. A good man was not something she could afford to lose.
“Thank you for telling me,” she said. She kissed him and laid her head back down on the blanket, expecting him to lie back down beside her. When he didn’t, she suspected there was something else wrong. After all their dates, he still had never really tried to touch her. Each time things had begun to get hot and heavy between them, he was always the one who had backed away. It was a nice change, but she was beginning to suspect there was something wrong. “Does my past bother you?”
Not even looking at her, Tyler reached for the cookies again. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“I mean, we have been seeing each other awhile now and, well, you always back away before anything gets going between us.”
“Did you want me to just up and jump your bones?”
“No, you know what I mean. Have you decided that you can’t handle my history after all?”
“Of course not. I told you the first night we met that I believe you did what you had to do to get by. Survival is a powerful motivator.”
“Well, then why won’t you touch me?”
“What are you talking about? I touch you all the time.”
“You’ve never really touched me.”
“Sam...,” Tyler started, but his voice began to falter.
Sam’s sense of female intuition took over. “Is there someone else?”
Tyler let out an uncomfortable laugh. “Don’t you know I am a damn good- looking single man? That I have thousands of women just busting down my door?”
“Come on, stop playing. Is there someone else in your life right now?”
“Uh, no.”
“Then what’s the deal?”
“No deal. I just don’t jump into things fast. I’ve made that mistake before in my life.”
“Alright then, Mr. Good-Looking Single Man, tell me about the last time you made that mistake.”
Tyler set down the bag of cookies and looked at her. “Nah, let’s talk about something else, huh?”
“Why? What’s the harm? I told you all about my past.”
“Well, it’s a long story and I’d just rather not get into it.”
“Oooh... strike a nerve?” Sam saw Tyler’s whole mood suddenly change.
“Yes, kind of,” he said, with an edge she’d never heard before.
“Well, talk. I’m a good listener.”
“Maybe another time, Sam. It’s not important.” His wound was still festering.
“It is important. Especially now that I’m sensing it means so much to you. Shouldn’t I know what that is about?” Her curiosity was getting the best of her. “Come on, tell me.”
“Ugh... alright,” he said, tired of her prodding. “Her name is Sadie. We met earlier this summer.”
“How long did you guys go out?”
“We never really dated.”
“Who was she then?”
“She’s a neighbor in a summer home. I fixed her gate one day when she needed help.”
“But you never dated?”
“No, not really. We were together a lot but not on any real dates, I guess.”
“What’s the difference?” Sam asked.
“She’s married.”
Sam’s eyebrows rose higher on her forehead. “Ooh—a married woman? What’s the deal?”
Ignoring the mockery in her voice, he answered anyway, “I fell in love with her.”
The emotion in Tyler’s voice caused Sam a sudden rush of jealousy. “Where was her husband?”
“It’s a long complicated story, I told you.”
Sam prodded some more until he answered.
“They were newly married. Eloped, I guess. There were some issues she needed to escape from and he was never around. A workaholic. Their relationship sucked and he was cheating on her.” Sam just sat there, taking it all in as Tyler continued. “Sadie was up here a lot by herself and we formed a friendship. It’s hard to explain.”
“How old is she?”
“Eleven years older than me.”
Sam did the math and the number sounded ancient to her twenty-year-old brain. “So you never dated, she was married; and she was eleven years older than you. What’s the deal then?”
“She had issues. I had issues. We spent a lot of time talking and just really bonded.” Tyler knew it would never make sense to anyone else.
“And you loved her?”
“Yes... I do love her.”
“Does she love you?”
Posed with a question Tyler asked himself every day, he hesitated before answering.
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t anything come of it then? Why isn’t she with you?”
“
Like I said, it was complicated. She was never sure if her marriage was something she should give up on so easily—if he was really cheating, if they could work it out. Her husband spent more time with his career than he did with her. She was lonely. She loved him but she wasn’t getting what she needed. She felt like one of his staff, she used to say.”
“Why in the hell did she stay married if she thought he was cheating on her?”
“Honest to God, I don’t know why she stayed married. Sense of obligation? Fear of the unknown? She never really had concrete proof he was cheating on her— just suspicions, lies—that couldn’t be explained. Things he didn’t really ever try to explain. This chick worked for him, so all his excuses came easily. I personally think he was doing someone else, but I didn’t know the guy. From what she told me, though, I’d bet he was.”
“Didn’t she ever confront him?”
“I guess so, but he kept making excuses—telling her more lies, making her think she was crazy for not trusting him. I think she was ready to walk away when he had the accident.”
“What accident?” The story was getting better all the time.
“A car accident and now he’s partially paralyzed.”
“Whoa—paralyzed?”
“Yes, waist down. They expect he’ll be pretty much confined to a wheelchair. The bitch of it, believe it or not, was that he was with his girlfriend when it happened.”
“No shit? What happened to her?”
“Nothing serious. He got the worst of it. And, once again, he lied his way through that story, too. It was just obvious to everyone but Sadie, I guess.”
“You’re pretty bitter.” Sam hadn’t seen this side of Tyler before.
“Yeah, well, I have every reason to be.”
“Maybe he wasn’t cheating on her. Maybe she was just cheating on him with you?”
“Not a chance. There were too many signs. Sadie just wanted to believe him.”
“But you don’t?”
“Not a chance. I’m a guy. You don’t do what he did if you’re not cheating.” Tyler was vehement.
“Well, so what was this between you two? She was cheating on her husband with you then?”
“Not so much. We had our moments but nothing I want to talk about. We fell in love. I wanted her to leave him but she wouldn’t once he had his accident.”