by T. S. Joyce
“Where are we going?” I asked, nudging Timber into a trot behind him.
“I brought this for you,” he murmured, offering me a bundle of food, wrapped in red cloth.
Under me, Timber slowed to the pace Ukiah’s horse was walking, and side by side, we rode through the trees and over fresh fallen snow. I took the food parcel from his hand and rested it against the saddle horn, then unwrapped it carefully. “Are these Lorelei’s biscuits?” I asked through a watering mouth. They were still warm, and fruit jam and melted butter dripped from the insides. I bit into one and rolled my eyes heavenward as I chewed. “These are my favorite.”
“I remember,” he said with a chuckle.
And his voice reciting my last letter to him flitted across my mind. “You remember a lot. Where are we going?”
“And I imagined getting a Christmas tree with you, and going to Christmas Eve services, and the celebration at Cotton’s on Christmas Day,” he recited.
“Are we getting a Christmas tree?” I asked so loud it frightened a bird from a nearby tree.
“I have a saw in my saddlebag. I was thinking a six foot one.”
“I was thinking a twelve foot one!”
His laugh bellowed through the woods. “Woman, how tall do you think my ceilings are?”
“Oh, yes, that does make a difference. How important is your roof to you? Wait! Does that mean you will go to Christmas Eve services with me and your family? And my family?”
He tossed his hair out of his face and nodded. “I’ll probably get struck down the second I step through the doors, but why not?”
“You won’t get struck down. There’s lots of sinners that go.”
“I don’t exactly believe in the same thing you and the rest of the town does.”
“I know, but that’s okay. Gary Butters has been naughty with at least a dozen working ladies, and he goes every Christmas Eve.” I frowned. “Or at least he used to. Is he still alive?”
“Yes he is and he’s probably doubled his saloon girl numbers by now. Maybe we can sit by him.”
I snorted, but tried to cover up the unladylike noise with a cough. “Wait, but one of the last things I talked about in my last letter was the Christmas celebration at Cotton’s. It’s closed now. I saw it. The windows are all boarded up like no one has bought it yet.”
A strange expression flitted across Ukiah’s face and then was gone like it had never existed before.
“What was that look for?”
“I don’t know what look you’re talking about.” Ukiah shoved the last of his biscuit into his mouth and chewed.
“You always close down,” I accused. Getting Ukiah to open up was like prying up new floorboards with a toothpick.
“Want to race?” he asked.
Clever little weasel, getting out of answering questions. “Of course I want to—Hyaaaah!” I yelled, kicking Timber.
Ukiah’s booming laugh followed me as I held on for dear life, because Timber, for as petite as she was, could move like a bullet.
We raced through the trees, the cold air stinging my face and hands, and laughter stealing my frozen breath. Timber responded to every command, zigging and zagging through the piney woods, snow flying behind us. Faster and faster we went and I could see him—Ukiah. He was twenty yards away, running through the trees, one hand on the reins, one relaxed and on his thigh as his horse stretched for every step, hooves pounding against the snow. His hair flew behind him, and that smile was enough to stop a heart. His shirt billowed behind him. Crazy man never seemed to need a jacket. I was struck with awe for a second too long, and barely ducked under a low-hanging branch. Too close! My heart was pounding out of my chest and the air was so cold in my lungs and was freezing, but in this moment, I wondered if any before it had ever been this happy. If I’d ever felt this free.
And then I saw it, up ahead. Full and stout, an evergreen tree stood alone in the clearing.
“Whoa,” I huffed out on a frozen breath, pulling back on the reins and locking my legs against the stirrups as Timber slowed. She still wanted to go, and it was a fight to get her to stay at a trot, and then slow her to a walk. Good horse. Fast horse. One ride and I loved her already.
Ukiah circled the tree and when he came into view on the other side of it, those gray wolf eyes were locked on me. “Is this the one?”
“Yes, you’re the one,” I murmured. I shook my head and squeezed my eyes closed. Why had I just said that? “I mean yes, this is the one.”
My mortification was infinite when he didn’t say anything. He stared at me a few seconds too long, and then dismounted and tied his horse to a felled log. And then he approached and I wished Timber and I would just get swallowed up by a crack in the land and disappear forever.
Now the entire morning would be awkward and uncomfortable.
He reached for my waist and I whispered, “You don’t have to do that.”
His hands were strong on my hips though, and he pulled me easily from the saddle. Only he didn’t release me. I stood there, close enough to feel his warmth radiating from his body. Close enough to smell the wolf on him. Close enough to hear his breath.
“Look at me,” he said in that calm, low timbre.
I squeezed my eyes closed tight and lifted my chin, but his touch on my cheek was instant.
“Do you know what I want to do to you when you say things like that?” he asked.
“Vile things?” I asked, and damn that hope in my voice, I was definitely getting struck down in service tomorrow night too. We were going to go to Hell hand-in-hand. I should feel concerned about that, but mostly thinking about holding his hand made hell sound not-so-unsavory.
His lips twitched at the corners and he stepped into me, cupped the back of my neck with his hand. “Do you feel trapped?” he whispered.
“No.” It was the truth and he darn-well knew it, from the slow smile on his face.
“I want to do wicked, wicked things to you now, Maya. Careful when you say things like I am the one, or I’ll make it very hard for you to leave me again.”
I slid my hand up his arm and gripped his wrist, forcing him to stay in place. “Maybe I want you to make it hard for me.”
A soft rattling sound took his throat, and I leaned in, feeling emboldened by the sensation of safety he provided. Up on my tiptoes, I pressed my lips to his and held for one second, before I came back down to reality. To cold fingers and wet shoes, and hair that was flying every which way. To snowflakes on my cheeks.
To an inhuman hunger in Ukiah’s eyes. He leaned down and gripped my neck in the moment his lips crashed onto mine. Angling his face, he pushed his tongue into my mouth. My body lit up like the fuse on a stick of dynamite. I’d never done or felt anything like this before. His hands were everywhere, exploring and I was helpless to tell him to slow down. I didn’t want him to! I wanted more and more and more. The kiss went on and on, but I was so nervous and began shaking. It started in my hands and spread right through me.
“Shhhh,” he murmured against my lips, slowing the passion of his kiss down. Ukiah dragged my hand inside of the open buttons of his shirt and pressed my cold palm against his pounding heartbeat. “Me too.”
Something about that admission calmed my nerves right down. He was feeling the weight of the moment just as assuredly as I was. Even after all this time, he knew me. He knew my thoughts, my reactions. He knew me like no one ever would be able to. He’d watched me and paid attention and listened over the years. Ukiah was a half of me, and these last years in Boston, I’d been flitting about like I was whole when I knew better. There were hollow places inside of me, but he filled them up now.
“Why didn’t you go to the reservation this year?” I asked him, our faces so close together.
“You know why,” he murmured.
“I want to hear it. I want to know and not be confused, or hopeful if there isn’t hope. Do you understand?”
He searched my eyes and pressed my hand against his heart harder, sq
ueezing it, securing me in place with him. “Elias told me you would come for the holiday. How could I leave if this place was finally going to be home for a little while again?”
“It was always home, Ukiah. Even if I wasn’t here—”
“No.”
He’d said it so sternly, the argument died in my throat.
“You make it different,” he explained. “You fill this place up. If I went to the reservation right now, I wouldn’t get to do all the things you’d wished for.” His voice lowered, and he ran a knuckle down my cheek. “You deserve the things you wish for.”
“I wished for you, Ukiah.” I wanted to shake him, to make him understand. To get it through his head. “I pined for you for years. Chased after you, and you shut me down over and over. I couldn’t meet anyone here, you were everything. I wanted you to choose me, and you never did, and I got older and older and I said no to every suitor before they even got one foot in the door because of you. But you always walked away when I got too close, and it kept me confused always. I didn’t want to stay in a place where I was undesirable to the one man I desired. To the only man who meant anything to me. You were going to find someone you cared for someday, and I couldn’t watch it. And when I heard about Tomotu, it made sense to me. She was Ute. She was like you.”
“She wasn’t real or—”
“That’s beside the point. I didn’t want to be alone forever, with the same job working under my parents, watching you spend more and more time at the reservation. Watching you build your life with someone else. Trying to fake not being heartbroken when you would someday bring your family to town. I didn’t want that to be my story.”
Ukiah shook his head and opened his mouth, closed it. Tried again. “Shit, Maya,” he growled, giving her his back. Always his back. “I wish I was like Luke, or my father. I wish I had good words that would make sense to you. I wish I could explain how it was, but I’m not good at that. I’m good at watching, and fixing.” He rounded on me. “That was never your story, and I couldn’t figure out a way to claim you without holding you back. I heard about your life in Boston. I ask—”
“Boston is just different—”
“Boston is good for you—”
“You were good for me!” Stupid tears stung my eyes and made it hard to see. “You, Ukiah. You were good.”
“I had nothing to offer, and I’m gone half the year at the reservation, and gone half the time I’m here as a wolf. I couldn’t give you a better life. You would’ve done exactly what you said. Been stuck working under your mother and father, and it would’ve trapped a woman like you. Maya, can’t you see your worth?” He stood up straighter. “You don’t belong here.”
“Take that back,” I gritted out.
Ukiah’s nostrils flared and he watched the tear stream down my cheek. He tracked it with his eyes and then looked away, down at the snow near the base of the Christmas tree.
“Take. It. Back.”
“No money for dresses, no job that you loved, being alone while I was at the reservation, losing me to the wolf over and over, and when you were good and broken from the cycles I would put you through, what would happen then? Huh? You would have a pup for me. Have two or three, maybe. How many would be little girls that died the second they got to air, because they couldn’t bear the little wolf pup inside of them, eating them from their souls out? How many sons would you give me, Maya? How many times would you watch your boys turn into monsters, just like their father?”
“Stop it!” I screamed. I stooped and grabbed up a handful of snow, packed it once and flung it at him. The snowball exploded against his chest, but I was just getting started. “I would’ve been happy to be a Wolf Bride. That was my dream! To be yours. Can’t you see that? Babies? You think I would’ve been cursed with your children? I would’ve been blessed with them! Even if we lost girls, we would weather that together. Even if we had sons with wolves in them, I would be so proud watching you teach them to be good men just…like…you. Don’t tell me what I would’ve given up with you, Ukiah.” My voice wavered and my lip trembled. “The world would’ve felt like mine if you would’ve offered it to me.”
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stand here and cry in front of him for a second longer. This is exactly why I’d been so intimidated to come back and see him. He dredged up all of these feelings that were painful and joyous and confusing, always confusing.
I marched away toward Timber, who had wondered to the tree line and was digging at a tuft of long grass peeking through the snow with the tip of her hoof. My breath hitched and I clenched my fists at my sides that that would keep all of these damn emotions in my body but no.
Strong arms wrapped around me and held me. “Stop,” Ukiah whispered in my ear, his lips so close, his cheek pressed against my hair. He hugged me tighter and I sagged. I took us both down into the snow, but he didn’t let me go. He just hugged me up and let me sob like a child.
“I never know where I stand with you,” I murmured miserably.
And Ukiah, that strong werewolf, he pulled me straight back into his lap and cradled me. Swaying gently, he hummed a song I remembered from when we were kids. It was one he’d taught me. One in his native language, but I couldn’t remember the words, just the notes. He hadn’t sung it with me since we were little kids.
“I think you do know,” he said. “But you are a woman who needs things spelled out directly, and I’m a man who doesn’t speak on such things.” Ukiah looked down at me and pressed his lips against mine. He sucked on my bottom lip as he rocked me gently, and all I could do was hold onto his neck and drink in every second of his affection. It felt very, very important. When he eased back by a couple of inches, he said something I’d only dreamed of hearing from his lips. “I’ve loved you since we were kids. I’ll love you until your smile lines deepen.” He brushed his fingertip at the corner of my eye. “Until your hair turns silver.” He pulled down on curl and released it. “Until you and I become part of the earth again, I will love you. Now do you know where you stand?”
I swallowed hard because how on God’s green pastures was I supposed to follow that up? “I love you also.” I smiled brightly. “And you just did really well, for a man who doesn’t think he’s good with words. I’m fairly sure I will replay this moment in my head a thousand times.”
“Your hands are frozen,” he said. “Like little icicles on my neck.”
I pulled my hands to his cheeks and pressed them there. And then to his chest, which felt like he had a fever. Werewolves were lucky in that regard. He winced back and gripped my wrists. “I don’t understand how you get so cold. Humans are the worst.”
I giggled maniacally and started pressing my icicles on every tender warm spot I could reach. Collar bone. Shoulders. Back.
“Keep touching under my shirt and see where it gets your virtue, woman.”
“I’ve decided I want to be scandalous, like Kristina.”
He snorted. “I’m sure she would love to give you lessons.”
“Already, I’ve spent the night in a man’s home and kissed him in the snow. While unchaperoned. And I touched inside your shirt. I’m a floozy now.”
Ukiah’s smile was so big and bright. “Come on, floozy. We have a tree to chop down.”
And chop it down we did. And as we rode back toward his cabin, the tree dragging in the snow behind his horse, I had trouble looking away from Ukiah. And it seemed he had trouble looking away from me as our chatter filled the woods. We’d dug into the frustrations we’d had before I left this place, and he didn’t walk away this time. He didn’t let me walk away either.
He’d told me he loved me and that he always would. I’d never imagined that would be part of my story.
Already, this was the best Christmas I could remember.
Chapter Six
Ukiah
Two Nights Before Christmas
You don’t belong here. I’d wanted to choke on that lie as I’d forced it out earlier. Maya absolutely belonge
d here, I’d just had a moment of panic, thinking of her settling for me.
Currently, Maya was bustling around the massive kitchen in my parents’ cabin right along with her mother, Trudy, and Lucianna, Lorelei and Kristina. The latter of which had dressed as a naughty Mrs. Claus, complete with fur-lined corset dress, glasses that she didn’t need, and a Santa hat. She wore it every year, and every year, Luke made it strange and stared at her exposed ankles like he wanted to eat her up. Or so I’d heard. I hadn’t actually seen it until this year. Maya loved it and had complimented her stockings and high-heeled shoes two times already. I was on a chair near the hearth, carving little wooden animals for the young cousins and second-cousins who would show up for Christmas. It was snowing again outside, and my uncles and I had finished feeding the cattle, so all of us were spending time in the warmth tonight. It had been long, fun day of decorating the tree, and riding, exploring this place all over again, spending time with the people Maya had so clearly missed. And yeah, I snuck a kiss whenever I knew no one was watching. I would protect her reputation, but also, the blush I could make on that woman’s cheeks caused a sense of accomplishment inside of myself like none I’d ever felt before.
“Are you sure you ladies don’t want any help?” I asked again. I wasn’t used to watching people work and not helping.
“You will only take up space and get in the way,” Lorelei said.
Maya pulled a fragrant fruit pie from the oven and agreed. “You are a very large man now, Ukiah.” She tossed me a wink that went straight through my body and landed in my groin. I wanted to take her out back and pin her up against the barn and give her a not-so-gentle reminder of why she should never leave again. I had to stick to the plan though.
Luke was sitting on the couch near me and cleared his throat loudly. “I know that look. I bet my face looks the same when Kristina puts on her whore-clothes.”
I nearly choked on nothing, and glared at him, sitting there in his red and white plaid long underwear and Santa hat, and boots. “Why are you wearing that?” I asked him.