Her husband stiffened. “Are you saying I’m a liar?”
“I’m saying that you’re seeing things that aren’t there. It might be easy to create a scandal but not that easy.”
“The very fact that you’re out here alone with my wife, even for a second, is enough to cause the Ton to talk.”
“So it’s not your wife you’re concerned about. It’s your pride.”
Benjamin’s expression darkened. Helena couldn’t believe it. She’d never seen him so upset.
“Take a moment to calm down,” she told him.
“It’s not you who’s going to be the object of ridicule,” he hissed—actually hissed—at her.
“Whatever’s gotten into you?” she demanded.
“I’ll tell you what’s gotten into him,” Lord Mitchell said. “The arrogant fool is afraid you might have another gentleman’s child. He doesn’t care one whit about you, which is a shame since all you ever do is help people.”
Then, before she had a chance to respond, Benjamin struck Lord Mitchell across the cheek with his glove.
For a long moment, the three went still. Helena was barely aware that a few people had gathered to watch what was happening. When one of the ladies whispered to another, Helena turned to her husband. “This isn’t the time or the place. My lord, apologize at once.”
“I will not,” he replied, not even bothering to glance at her.
Lord Mitchell straightened his frock coat. “If it’s a duel you want, it’s a duel you’ll get.”
“No,” she argued, hoping the others couldn’t hear them. “This is senseless. There will be no duels. They’ve been outlawed.”
Benjamin’s jaw clenched and unclenched before he finally looked at her. “Just because something’s been outlawed, it doesn’t mean gentlemen aren’t doing it.” He turned his attention back to Lord Mitchell. “Name your weapon and the place. I’ll be there.”
Lord Mitchell indicated for Benjamin to follow him to a private area on the veranda. She opened her mouth to protest, but Benjamin said, “You caused enough trouble for one evening. Stay out of this.”
Her jaw dropped. In all the time she’d known him, he’d never spoken to her that way. She stood numbly to the side while the two went further down the veranda and started talking in tones so low she couldn’t make out what they were saying.
When Benjamin returned to her, he took her by the arm. Smiling at the crowd, he said, “Please, enjoy the music,” in a pleasant tone. Had it not been for the grip on her arm, she would have believed nothing was wrong.
He led her away from the crowd, and once they were safely out of sight from everyone, he turned to her, his eyes cold. “If I die tomorrow morning, my blood will be on your head.”
“You can’t mean that!”
“I most certainly do. You have humiliated me in front of everyone. People are going to be talking about this before the night’s over.”
“Only because you made this into something it isn’t.”
“No. Because you went out here with him.” He shook his head, once again clenching his jaw. “At least I’m discrete. I don’t go around flaunting my mistress in front of you or the others.”
Her heart stopped beating as she struggled to come to terms with what he was saying. Finally, when she trusted herself to speak, she forced out, “Y-you have a mistress?”
He gave her a pointed look. “Don’t tell me you’re surprised.”
She stared at him for a long moment. “How long…?” She swallowed, unable to finish the question.
“About two months after we married. Don’t tell me you didn’t know I’d do it. Every married gentleman takes a mistress at some point, just as married ladies take lovers. The important thing is, they don’t go around flaunting it in front of everyone. And your duty was to wait until you had my child before doing anything. I don’t want to pass on my title to another gentleman’s child.”
She inhaled, held her breath, then slowly exhaled, praying the simple action would make her head stop spinning. All this time she thought she knew him. They’d been friends for so long, had told each other all their secrets, had shared things they’d never shared with anyone else. And just now she was finding out he had a mistress? More than that, he didn’t mind her taking a lover as long as she had his child first?
“I don’t have a lover,” she whispered. “You’re the only one I’ve taken to my bed.” Or given my heart to. But she couldn’t say that. Not now. Not when it was quickly becoming clear he didn’t return her feelings.
It was then that Benjamin seemed to understand what she was feeling, for at that moment, his expression softened. He let out a long sigh. “I tried to love you, Helena. Really, I tried. But all I feel—all I can ever feel for you—is a deep and abiding friendship. I’m sorry.”
“You love her?” Helena asked, bile rising up in her throat. “You love this lady you’ve taken to your bed?”
He lowered his gaze. “I do. I never meant for it to happen. It just did. I shared a dance with her. Then another. And then we found ways to meet in private.” He shrugged. “I didn’t plan it.”
She quickly turned away from him so he wouldn’t see the tears in her eyes. It was humiliating enough that she’d exposed her heart to him. She didn’t need for him to see her cry. After a minute passed, she was able to get her emotions under control. Wiping her cheeks, she turned back to him, her hands clasped in front of her.
“You made a foolish decision,” she began.
“But I can’t force myself to love you the way you want me to.”
“Not that. I meant the duel. You’re going to risk your life for nothing because Lord Mitchell isn’t my lover. But tomorrow, because of your rash decision, you might die. And all for what? To save your pride? Because it doesn’t look good to have someone suspect your wife betrayed you? We’ve known each other our entire lives. You should have known me better than that. If I had taken a lover, I wouldn’t have gone from his bed to yours without telling you. I, at least, would have had the decency to be honest.”
“What was I supposed to tell you, Helena? I need an heir. I need to come to your bed until you give me one. Did you really want to know I was going from your bed to hers?”
She gritted her teeth and steeled her resolve so she wouldn’t start crying again. There was no satisfactory answer she could have given him. The question demanded a no. And while she wouldn’t have wanted to know, it was that much more painful that he didn’t tell her the truth.
“I’m sorry I was such a disappointment to you,” she whispered then headed for the ballroom.
“Helena, this isn’t my fault,” he said. “Ours was an arranged marriage. I thought you understood it wasn’t a love match.”
Thankfully, she made it back inside before he could say anything else to hurt her. She bypassed everyone and went to her bedchamber. She didn’t sleep the entire night. Everything about that night was a blur as the years passed. She could only recall periods where she cried or stared at the ceiling, going from hurt to anger to being numb. Then it cycled through all over again until dawn finally came.
And her husband had gone outside of London to meet Lord Mitchell. Then, the next day, word came that Lord Mitchell won the duel, leaving her a widow.
Helena pulled out the handkerchief from her reticle and wiped away more tears. Remembering her lady’s maid was in the room with her, she managed to stop crying. Face warm from embarrassment, she cleared her throat, unable to meet Cass’ gaze.
“Forgive me, Cass. I didn’t get much sleep last night.” And that was the truth. She probably only managed two hours once she’d stopped tossing and turning.
“There’s no need to explain anything to me, my lady.”
Cass’ tender smile made Helena wonder how much the lady knew about her first marriage. Something in Helena had grown hard the night she found out Benjamin loved someone else. And she vowed to never let anyone in again.
Helena let out a slow breath and headed for t
he door. If only she’d been able to keep that vow.
Chapter Twenty-Two
During the ceremony, Camden watched Helena while they said their vows. He didn’t consider himself to be good at reading people’s emotions, but if he had to venture a guess, he’d say that she wasn’t at all happy about this marriage. And that wasn’t a good way to start things.
The ceremony was simple and over almost as soon as it began. If he hadn’t been so concerned about her, he might have remembered it. But as it was, the whole thing was a blur, and before he knew it, they were husband and wife.
When they reached his carriage, he asked, “Where would you like to go?”
Her eyebrows furrowed, she directed her gaze to him. “Go?”
His face warmed as he realized he should have asked her this before their wedding day. “I’m not sure if you want to go to your townhouse or mine.” He shifted. “Of course, we don’t have to go to either one right away. We could take a walk or do something else.”
“I’d like to go to mine.” She hesitated, glancing at the driver who stood by the open door. “Perhaps we should continue this conversation in there.” She nodded to the carriage.
“We’ll go to her townhouse,” he told the driver then followed her inside, careful not to sit too close in case he caused her greater discomfort than she already felt.
As he suspected, she wasn’t happy. She wasn’t angry either. But she definitely wasn’t happy. She wasn’t even content. She was resigned. Now, this was a look he did recognize. It was how his mother looked when she received a missive from his father saying he’d be arriving to the country estate soon. His mother dreaded his father’s visits and went about the estate in a somber mood until he left. How he prayed it wouldn’t be the same for Helena.
Once the carriage was moving, he said, “I know you have a townhouse here, but I was wondering… Do you have a place in the country?”
“No. My husband’s cousin has assumed the title and all that goes with it. He’s only ten, so he’s too young to marry yet.” She shrugged and added, “I don’t like to be alone in the country, which is why I bought a townhouse. I know there isn’t much going on in the winter, but from time to time, I get to visit people I know. Working with a lot of ladies from middle class earners, I’ve befriended some of their mothers.”
He almost didn’t ask the question pressing on his mind, but figured he had to know sooner or later, and it might be more awkward to ask it later. “Will you,” his cleared his throat, “be coming to the country with me this winter? There’s plenty of room for you, and you wouldn’t have to be alone. My mother and aunt are good ladies. I think you three would get along. Of course, I won’t make you go there or stay the whole time. You’re free to do as you please.”
She didn’t answer right away, and that worried him. When she did finally respond, she was looking out the small window of the carriage instead of at him. “I’ll have to think about it.”
It wasn’t a no. That was good. But it wasn’t a yes either. And that was not so good. He wasn’t sure what to feel about it.
After a full minute of silence passed, he ventured, “London isn’t so bad. I was apprehensive about it at first. I got used to it.” Taking a moment to consider his words, he continued, “If you don’t like traveling alone, I’d be more than willing to come here with you in the spring and leave in autumn.”
Since she didn’t respond, he figured it was best to remain silent for the rest of the ride.
Several minutes passed, and they stopped in front of her townhouse. As the driver opened the door, he asked, “May I join you?”
Still looking out the window, she spoke so softly he had to strain to hear her. “You may do as you wish.”
He frowned. “I don’t want to do anything you don’t want.”
“All I said was that I wanted freedom to continue giving lessons to those who are seeking a husband or a wife.”
He frowned. Did she want him to go in with her, or did she want him to go back to his townhouse? Did she expect them to live in the same place or to live apart? And just how was he supposed to go about asking such things when he was struggling to find the right words?
The door opened, and the driver helped her down from the carriage. She turned to face him, her expression unreadable. “What would you like to do, Your Grace?”
He hoped she had referred to him so formally because the driver was standing right there and not because she wanted to put some emotional distance between them. “I’d like to go with you.”
“Then come.”
She didn’t wait for him. Instead, she turned and headed for the steps. Taking a deep breath, he followed her.
It felt strange to enter the residence as her husband. He’d been so used to thinking of her as his mentor. Now that he was her husband, how was he supposed to relate to her? Did he continue to let her lead? Or did he take a more assertive stance? And how did a gentleman take such a stance without upsetting the lady?
He remained in the entryway, shifting in place, not sure if he should go to the drawing room without permission. He glanced at the footman who used to guide him there, but in this case, the footman took his hat and said he’d tell the butler they had arrived. Then the footman headed down the hall.
“You may come further inside,” Helena said.
He turned his gaze to her, unaware she’d been watching him. “Where are you going?”
“Well, since you’re here, I gather you wish to talk to me. Is that correct?”
“Yes, I’d like to talk.” Especially since the only thing they’d said up to their arrival at the vicar’s had been a polite greeting.
The only indication she gave him that it was all right to follow her was a slight nod. He tapped his fingers together for a moment then went to the drawing room. After stepping into the room, he saw she was sitting on the settee. Many times when he came here, she’d been sitting there, whether she was alone or with someone. It must be her favorite place to sit. He scanned the room, noting the other places he could sit. But in the end, he opted to approach her.
“Can I sit next to you?” he asked.
“You can sit wherever you want.”
She didn’t look at him as she spoke, and once again, he wasn’t sure what he should do. He did note, however, she didn’t sit in the middle of the settee. She sat to one side of it, leaving the other free for him to sit next to her if he wished. And since she left the decision up to him, he sat beside her.
The butler came in with the tray full of tea and tarts. “Should I unpack your things, Your Grace?” the butler asked.
“Oh, um…” Camden glanced at Helena who had already begun pouring the tea into their cups. “I didn’t bring my things over. I…well…” His voice drifted off. It seemed to him no matter what he said, he ran the risk of saying the wrong thing.
“I understand,” the butler replied. “If you need anything, please let me know.”
Camden watched as the butler left the room, closing the doors behind him. Just how much did the butler understand?
“I’m not sure where you intend to stay tonight,” Helena said and handed him a cup. “So I didn’t know what to say.”
“I wasn’t sure where you wanted me to stay.”
“That’s up to you.”
He glanced down at his cup, let out a sigh, and put it on the tray. He turned to face her. “As you know, I’m not good at this kind of thing.”
His gaze went to her hand as she drank from her cup, surprised to see it trembled ever so slightly. Maybe he wasn’t the only one who didn’t know the best way to proceed. If that was the case, then he didn’t feel so awkward because for once, he wasn’t the only one in this position.
“Helena,” he slowly began, “I know it was selfish of me to create the scandal.”
“You panicked. You thought Miss Beacham was going to say you were more familiar with her than you had a right to be.”
“Well, yes, that was part of it. I honestly did bel
ieve her family was known for doing such things because of what Mr. Robinson said. I should have listened to you, but I didn’t. I am sorry I didn’t take your word for it. I won’t make that mistake again.”
He studied her expression but wasn’t able to deduct what she thought of his apology. Not sure of how she’d take his next statement, he steeled himself for her reaction, hoping she wouldn’t laugh at him.
“Once Mr. Robinson explained all I had to do was kiss someone in order to secure a betrothal,” he continued, “I realized I could have any lady I wanted. It didn’t have to be you. But deep down, I knew there was only one lady I truly wanted to be with.” He cleared his throat. “That’s why I kissed you. I didn’t want to marry anyone else.”
She set her cup on the tray and looked at him. He saw unshed tears in her eyes. He’d hurt her. This was the one thing he had hoped to avoid, and yet, he’d done it.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I know I shouldn’t have behaved so selfishly. I should have just picked one of the ladies you had me dance with at one of the other balls. Then I wouldn’t have trapped you in this predicament and—”
Before he had a chance to finish the rest of his sentence, she was kissing him. It all happened so fast, he barely had time to figure out what was going on. He’d expected her to tell him he’d ruined her life or let him know how much she detested him for what he’d done. But she hadn’t done any of that. Instead, she was kissing him, letting him know he was forgiven. And that made him feel like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.
When the kiss ended, he gave her a smile. “Thank you for forgiving me.”
She opened her mouth as if she might say something but settled for returning his smile and handing him his cup. “Since you only rent the townhouse you’re currently staying in, it makes the most sense to move in here. I know you have debts to pay, and there’s no need to waste money on another place if you don’t have to.”
Love Lessons with the Duke Page 18