I turned for a moment to watch my grandmother’s shuffling gait. “I thought she’d be angrier with me about Cameron than she is. She and Mrs. Wright are friends.”
“From what you told me, I’m surprised Mrs. Wright wasn’t more vehement in her fury toward you when you saw her at the funeral.”
I shared a worried glance with Sophie before I looped my arm through hers, intent on enjoying the rest of the exhibit.
***
“I’D HOPED TO SEE YOU more appropriately attired,” Aunt Matilda said as she sniffed in disdain at my clothes.
I glanced down at one of the new dresses I had purchased in Missoula, an evergreen wool walking dress with ivory embroidery at the wrists, hemline and neck, and shook my head. “I’m not as concerned about style and the latest fashion in Missoula, Aunt. And there’s only so much black I have in my closet. Gabriel encourages me to buy what I need, but I’m unable to purchase as extensive a wardrobe as when I lived here.”
“You fail to show your father the respect he’s due.” Aunt Matilda sat in a stiff chair, her posture rigid and straight. She wore a severe navy tea dress that failed to highlight her figure.
“I disagree. He’d far more appreciate my presence than concern himself with the cut or color of my dress. He never worried about that sort of thing. It’s one of the many reasons Mama loved him.”
“She desired him because she wanted to defy her parents. I highly doubt she ever truly loved him.”
“How can you be so cruel?” I blinked away tears. “I remember them together. I remember their tender looks, the love that shone in her eyes when she spoke of him. His desperation when she became ill. His devastation when she died.”
“Believe what you like, Clarissa. It’s time you faced reality.”
“Such as the fact you married Uncle Martin to forestall a great scandal? Such as the fact you were an even greater scandal than Savannah or I could ever have imagined being? Such as the fact that you failed to have faith in love?” I gripped the arm of my chair in my anger, fearing I’d rip the delicate, decorative finial off in my agitation. “How dare you sit in righteous indignation, passing judgment on us when you acted much the same?”
“How dare you speak to me in such a manner in my own home?” Aunt Matilda fanned herself furiously, before whacking it closed with such a force on the edge of the table she broke the delicate ivory backing.
“I dare because I’m tired of you believing you have the right to ridicule the decisions I’ve made in my life. You, you of all people, should understand why I acted as I did.”
“You brought shame and ridicule upon our family again!”
“Then all I did was continue a family tradition. Started by my mother and you,” I snapped. “I’d think you’d have the sense to know by now what really matters in life, Aunt Matilda.”
She glared at me. “Don’t look at me like that.”
“Like I’m disappointed in you?” At her nod, I said, “Well, I am. I’m disappointed in the fact you didn’t have the sense to cherish your daughter and niece enough to support us in our decisions. That you’d continue to look to your parents for approval.” I shook my head in confusion. “How could you ever have wanted a better man than Uncle Martin?”
“You’d never understand.”
“No, I never would.”
“And that disappoints me, Clarissa,” Aunt Matilda said. “I’d hoped you, of all of them, would understand my deep disappointment. You who were brave enough to defy us all and live the life you wanted, rather than the life your family compelled you to succumb to. I’d thought you’d be able to understand my deep disillusionment and regret.”
“If you’d married a man such as Cameron or Jonas, then, yes, I would have,” I argued. “But you didn’t. You married Uncle. A kind, generous man who’s been able to provide well for you.”
“The heart is not always logical. And, sometimes, what is lost becomes more precious than anything that could ever be.”
I blinked away tears as I studied her. “How tragic,” I whispered. “I can’t imagine such a life. Why cling to the past when you were gifted with a wonderful future? Most women, most men for that matter, aren’t that fortunate.”
Aunt Matilda stared at me with haunted eyes before turning away but not before I saw her blinking away tears. She clamped her jaw firmly shut, and we sat in an uncomfortable silence until I rose to leave.
CHAPTER 9
“HOW LONG ARE YOU going to live with Mrs. Chickering?” Jeremy sanded a piece of wood, his gaze tracking Savannah’s movement as she wandered his workroom. Nearly two weeks had passed since their reunion, with November nearing its end.
“I don’t know. As long as I need to. Sophie doesn’t seem to mind my company.”
“I know I promised I wouldn’t push, but, now that you’re back, I can’t seem to be patient. I want us to have more than a stolen hour here and there. I want us not to care that a newspaperman might be lingering behind a horse cart. I want to come home to you at night. That’s what I want.”
Savannah flushed red and trembled as she sat on the bench near the table. He moved toward her and sat next to her. “What I don’t know, is what you want. Is this the way you want your life to continue? Clandestine meetings, furtive kisses in a workshop or in one of Sophie’s parlors, always hoping we aren’t interrupted or discovered?”
“They know we are in love,” Savannah whispered.
“Is this enough for you, darling? If it is, I’ll temper my impatience.”
“Why?” She watched him with curiosity.
“For you, I would do almost anything. I love you, Savannah, and I don’t want to cause you harm. If living with me, without the protection of marriage, will only bring you shame, then I don’t wish that upon you. But I want you to know what is my dream.”
“Tell me your dream,” Savannah urged.
“To come home to you every day after work. To hold you in my arms every night. To no longer have to wonder when I’ll next see you. To no longer fear that those around you have changed your opinion of me.”
She turned to face him fully and clasped his face between her palms, rubbing her fingers in the whiskers of his beard. “They could never change how much I love you, Jeremy. You’ve treated me with compassion, honor and respect. You’ve shared your darkest secrets and scars with me, and not shied away from mine. Never fear that I’ll run from what we have again.”
“I try to trust in this, Savannah,” he said. She stroked his cheek and waited. “But every good thing I’ve ever known has gone wrong. I have difficulty having faith in us.”
“I have enough faith for the two of us,” she said as she fought tears. “I refuse to live in fear of Jonas. He had his chance to hurt me. To … kill me, and he didn’t.”
Jeremy smiled wistfully at her show of bravado. “Ah, but he could find other ways to hurt you, my love. And that I could not bear.”
“I have no need of his money or of his social prestige,” Savannah said. “I refuse to allow him to have such a hold over my life.”
“Will you move in with me?” Jeremy asked, hope lighting his eyes. “It won’t be nearly as grand as the places you are accustomed to.”
Savannah took a deep breath and nodded. “I will. Although I have one condition.” He watched her curiously, nodding for her to continue. “I want you to meet my father.”
Jeremy’s eyes shone with surprise and pleasure. “I’d be honored to.”
“I know my coming here today was reckless, and I shouldn’t be seen at the workshop with any frequency. I know there are still some newspapermen who are curious, although my absence last month aided us.”
“I’d rather be discovered than suffer any further separation,” Jeremy said, raising her hand to kiss her palm. Savannah freed her hand, tracing his bearded jaw, smiling in agreement.
“Can you call this evening at Sophie’s? It’s not unseemly as Clarissa is there, and she is your sister-in-law.”
Jeremy pulled he
r into his arms, sighing with contentment as her head came to rest in the crook of his neck. “I’ve been looking for places to live. They’re all quite expensive, but I found a small pair of rooms that should suffice.”
“Where, Jeremy?”
He looked down. “It’s near the school where Clarissa used to teach.”
“We’re going to live in the West End?” Savannah asked, her flush paling at the thought.
He nodded. “I can’t afford much more. I’m starting to sell my work, and it’s selling at a decent price, but—”
She held her fingers up to his lips. “It doesn’t matter. Wherever we are, it will be home because we are together.”
***
“CLARISSA,” SAVANNAH SAID as I sat reading a newspaper. “I have to talk with you.”
I set my feet on the floor, uncurling from my comfortable position on the settee in the back parlor, a throw rug over my legs. I had made myself at home since I’d arrived at Sophronia’s almost a month ago. I sat up, watching Savannah as she sat in a chair next to me. Faint light entered into the back windows, dusk falling early on this late November afternoon. I reached over to turn on a light to better see Savannah, the light limning her face as she looked at me.
“What’s the matter, Sav?” I tossed aside the paper.
“I’m afraid you’re going to be very disappointed in me.”
“I’m not your mother,” I said as I watched her rise from her seat and pace the room. She moved from shadow to light, making it difficult for me to see her expression. “And I like to believe I am nothing like the grandparents. Please tell me what has you so agitated.”
“I’ve agreed to move in with Jeremy.” She turned to face me, straightening her shoulders with determination, as though preparing herself for my censure.
I gaped at her, my mouth ajar as a flush rose on her neck toward her cheeks. “What?”
“I’m never going to be completely free of Jonas, Rissa, as I’m not pursuing a divorce. I want to be with Jeremy.”
“If I understood correctly from the discussion we had when I arrived, you said you didn’t want to seek a divorce because you didn’t want the infamy that it would bring. How is moving in with another man while still married to your abusive husband diminishing the possibility of an uproar among Boston’s elite?”
“Rissa, please understand,” Savannah said as she sat next to me and clasped my hand.
“Why would you, who has always ensured that you were never subjected to vicious gossip, wish to court it now?”
She glared at me and released my hand, nearly throwing it at me. “What has social standing ever brought me except bruises, broken bones and disillusionment? I desire a life with a man who esteems me for the woman I am, not the woman he attempts to mold me into. Any uproar will pass, while I will remain with the man I love.”
“And how will you survive? You certainly won’t be able to live in a well-to-do neighborhood on what Jeremy can earn. What will happen to your love as you become more disillusioned with the life he can provide for you?”
“Is that all you think I care about? Money? Social prestige? My address?” Hurt entered her sky-blue eyes, and her indignant blush paled with each question.
“It’s all you used to care about,” I countered.
She blinked away tears as she watched me with disappointment lighting her eyes. “I want a life I can be proud of. A life that I know will bring me joy. Even if I’m living outside the bounds of what is deemed proper by society, I want a life with Jeremy.”
“What happens when you want a new coat or dress, and you aren’t able to afford it?” I asked.
“Do you really think me so shallow?” Savannah asked in a hurt whisper. I raised my eyebrows, waiting for her answer. “I’ll remind myself that my life with Jeremy is more important than any material item.”
“Good, because you’ll have to remind yourself, frequently, just that. You’ll have to be content with the simple life you build.” I beamed at her. “Finally the Savannah I know, the Savannah of my youth—before the grandparents’ took notice of you—has returned.”
She gaped at me for a moment before tears poured down her cheeks. “You did this on purpose? Doubting me? Pushing me?”
“Of course. For what I just asked and did will be nothing compared to what everyone else will do to you. You need to believe, without a shred of doubt, that your decision to be with Jeremy is what you want. And not allow anyone to persuade you otherwise.”
“It scares me how much I want to have a life with him, Rissa,” Savannah whispered. “It’s nothing like what I thought I felt for Jonas. With Jonas, it was all about what I had hoped to gain by being his wife.”
“And now?”
“Now it’s what I hope I can bring to him,” she said with a shy smile.
I gave a small whoop and hugged her tight. “Now we’ll be sisters-in-law, as well as cousins. Sisters,” I said, releasing her. “I couldn’t be happier for you or for Jeremy.” I bit my lip as I studied Savannah. “Do you plan to continue to live in Boston or will you move somewhere new?”
“I think, for now, we are going to remain here. Jeremy is receiving good commissions, enough for us to survive on. I can’t imagine too many changes in my life at once.”
I attempted to smile bravely, but knew I failed when Savannah frowned at me. “I was hoping you’d say you were planning to move to Missoula. To be near Gabriel and me. It was a foolish notion.”
“No, it wasn’t, Rissa. I hate that you’ll leave again.” Savannah swiped at her cheeks and at her tears. “Will Gabriel approve?”
I settled against the settee, a faraway look in my eyes for a moment. “Of course. He’s noticed how much Jeremy has improved in the letters he’s sent him and has suspected that a good portion of his improvement has been due to his association with you. It’s worried Gabriel, but he’d hoped you’d changed after your escape from Jonas.”
“I have, Rissa.”
“I know,” I said. I paused, biting my lip and blushing before I looked at her again. “Sav, what happens if you become with child? Do you want your child born with such a stigma?”
Savannah paled, the happy bloom fading at my question. “I’ll most likely never have any more children, Rissa.”
“Oh, Sav,” I whispered. “Why?”
“I can’t explain it, but I guess the birth went so badly that I’ll be unable to carry another child.”
“And this has been confirmed by other doctors, by doctors not working for Jonas?”
“The doctor I visited with Aunt Betsy’s urging yesterday said it was ‘Difficult to be certain, although very likely, that my womb was an inhospitable place for new life to thrive.’” Savannah mimicked the clipped tones of the doctor in an attempt to lessen the hurtfulness of the words.
I grimaced at the words.
“Yes, not the most tactful man. I thought Aunt Betsy was going to cane him for his lack of sensitivity,” Savannah said with a small smile. “It was the only amusing aspect of the visit.”
“I doubt Aunt Betsy acted like that to bring levity to the situation.”
“Of course not. She was irate.” Savannah met my eyes, unable to hide her despair at the prospect of a childless future. “I don’t fool myself, Rissa. I know there is a very small likelihood I’ll have another child.” She pleated her skirt. “And, if I’m fortunate enough to have Jeremy’s baby, I’ll cherish our child, no matter if it is sanctioned by the church and society or not. The previous blessings did little to aid me.”
“Sav,” I whispered. “I’m sorry you suffered so terribly.”
“I don’t want to continue to focus on the past, Rissa. I must focus on my future.”
I forced a brave smile. “Well, if you want to focus on your future, you should think about how you’re going to live with Jeremy. You won’t have a cook or maids to help you when you live with him. I’d recommend purchasing clothes that are easy to don without aid. Can you still cook?”
�
�I think so.”
“I never understood why your mother stopped you from learning from your cook when you were a girl. Why would she think it was beneath you to learn to prepare meals for yourself? And it will be especially important now.” I paused for a moment. “I wonder if Sophie’s cook would mind you spending time with her?”
Savannah flushed. “I know she wouldn’t. I’ve spent many afternoons with her recently. I remember much of what I had learned, and, the rest, I’m finding easy to relearn. I love spending time in the kitchen.”
“I wish I could say the same,” I said with a wry smile.
“What is it you wish you liked?” Sophie asked as she entered.
“That I liked working in the kitchen,” I said.
“I hope there are restaurants you can frequent,” Savannah said with a giggle.
“There are,” I said.
“I know there’s been momentous news as the door was shut,” Sophie said. She turned from Savannah to me, as though she were uncertain which of us had the news. I blushed but nodded toward Savannah.
“I’ve decided to move in with Mr. McLeod,” Savannah said.
“Even though this will bring down as much, if not more, infamy than any divorce proceeding?” Sophie raised an eyebrow. “You take after Mrs. Woodhull.”
“Mrs. Who?” Savannah asked.
“Really, don’t you know your history?” Sophie glanced from Savannah to me. “She’s the first woman to run for president of the United States. She’s also one of the earliest proponents for women to practice ‘free love.’”
“Free love?” I sputtered.
“You laugh, Clarissa, but the time will come when women can live with whom they choose without worrying they are defying their families. And they will be able to decide if they want to marry the man or not.”
Savannah blushed. “I believe you are reading too much into this, Sophie.”
“As you always say. I’m glad you’re finally coming to your senses and realizing living with me isn’t how you want to spend the rest of your life.”
Undaunted Love (PART TWO): Banished Saga, Book 3.5 Page 8