by Robin Laine
“Fuck being bulletproof, Azley. No one is. You can guard your heart all you want, but it will never be impenetrable. You won’t know anything if you don’t put yourself out there and try first.”
“But I want to be bulletproof,” I say, lowering my eyes and sticking my bottom lip out in a pretend pout.
Tatum pushes my shoulder, laughing as she tells me, “You better stick that lip back in before a pigeon comes and shits on it!”
Tyler picks that moment to decide he’s done sitting still. “Taytay, we wide twain now?”
“Not until you finish that sandwich, little bug. You have two bites left. Come on, I’ll race you to finish.” I shake my head at Tatum. She’s trying to turn my boy into a little pig.
“Tatum, he doesn’t need to be shoving food in his mouth; he’ll choke!”
“You’re right. Never mind, Tyler, put that sandwich down and I’ll race you to the train instead.” Before I can protest, he has dropped his food on the grass and is running after his Taytay. I listen to his infectious giggle as I clean up the trash from lunch, then walk slowly over to the train station. I sit on a bench as Tatum lifts him into one the cars to sit beside her.
I pull my cell out of my bag, my thumb hovering over the home button. Before I can think my way out of it, I hit the button then swipe the screen to bring it to life. Too afraid to hear Evan’s voice at the moment, I bring the message app up.
Me: Hi.
That’s it, that’s all I can think of to say. I darken the screen before dropping the phone on my lap. When it pings with a message, I stare at it like a snake about to strike. After a couple beats, I swipe the screen to bring up the message.
Evan: Hey gorgeous. How are you doing?
Me: Good. I’m good. How about you?
Evan: I was a having a shit day, but it just got a little brighter.
Me: Oh? How so?
Evan: You texted me. I didn’t think I would hear from you again.
I smile to myself, feeling a bit lighter.
Me: Well, I’m glad to be of service. Why have you been having a shit day?
Evan: Just a lot of work to get done, but nothing’s getting done.
Me: Sorry to hear that. So, I was wondering…
Evan: Wondering what?
Me: Well, if you’d like to hook up sometime?
Me: Wait, not hook up! That came out wrong.
I wait for a response, but I don’t see the little bubbles that indicate he’s typing. What the hell have you done, Azley? Your first attempt in forever at talking to a man on a level other than sex, and you blow it! Just when I think I’ve scared him off, my phone rings and Evan’s name pops up.
“Hello?” I practically whisper. I clear my throat and try again, “Hello.”
“Azley, let’s get one thing straight right now. I’m not looking for a hook up. You and I are not going to hook up.” His voice is so stern; I know I definitely scared him off. Shit.
“I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant at all!” I hear a deep intake of breath on his end before it’s let out slowly. “Look, I’m not really good at this stuff. This talking to a man on a friend level. This is new to me.”
“I don’t want to be a hook up, Azley, and I don’t want to be a friend.”
Well, at least I can say I tried. I’m sure Tatum will forgive the errors of my ways if I bake her some snickerdoodles. “I’m sorry; I really am. I’m not sure where my head is right now, and I barely know you. I don’t even know what you do for a living. How do I know I can trust you?”
“I’m a firefighter. If you can’t trust a fireman, who can you trust?” he responds with a bit of humor. “Look, I want to get to know you. I want to take you out on dates. I want to have long conversations so I can learn your favorite things. I want to hear about your baby, and eventually I want to meet him or her. I want to know what happened three years ago that landed you in my car.”
“Him,” I respond.
“What?” he asks.
“My baby is a him, I mean boy. So, um, when did you want to… get to know me?” I ask him.
“How about this Friday? I’d really love to see you sooner, but my week is full with work.”
“Evan?” I breathe into the phone.
“Yeah?”
“I’d really like to get to know you, too.” I whisper. Saying it louder than that makes it seem too real. More than my mind wants it to be, but my heart, that crazy bitch, wants it to be. I hear Tyler call out to me and I look up to see him running toward me with a huge smile on his chocolate covered face. Tatum must have snuck him a candy bar. That little shit. “Okay, I have to go be a mommy now. Call me later?”
“Absolutely. Have a good day, Azley.” The line goes dead so I put my phone back in my bag and grab a container of wet wipes.
I stand and make my way to Tatum and Tyler, kneeling down in front of him to wash his face. He squirms and giggles as I place the wipe over his face and clean the chocolate off. “Momma, I wide da twain!”
“I know! Was it fun?” I lift him into my arms before turning to look at Tatum, “Really, Tay, chocolate? You know I don’t like him having candy.”
“Oh chill, Az, it was a mini chocolate bar. He’s not going to get a sugar high. Let the boy enjoy a sweet once in a while.” I shake my head, not willing to argue over a little piece of chocolate. We make our way back to Tatum’s car and head to my apartment.
Chapter 6
Evan
I hang up the phone with Azley and walk out my back door. I walk down my drive towards the small stable that’s big enough to house four horses, but currently only holds three. I love my job, can’t see myself doing anything else, but the stress of being a firefighter can get overwhelming. So, to find relief from that stress, I ride. It has a calming effect on my nerves, I can think clearly and relax. I learned from Larsen Hurd, my cousin, just how therapeutic riding a horse can be.
She and her parents run Horses Healing Hearts, a therapeutic riding center that relies solely on donations. They help handicapped children and soldiers suffering from PTSD and injuries. I wanted to be a part of that, so I opened my stable to them to rehabilitate neglected and abused horses that are rescued through the ASPCA. Today, I’m not going for a ride, I’m checking on a horse I picked up for Larsen.
I picked the horse up last week from Tucson. She was so severely malnourished; she couldn’t stand in the trailer for the near 100-mile drive back. She had to be placed in a sling, which could cause problems in itself. We ran the risk of her developing pneumonia from the pressure on her lungs, but by the grace God she had taken to the sling, using it for balance with most of her weight being on her legs. She made the long trip home without any further problems.
Our vet, Dr. Sheppard, is in her stall now, checking on her healing progress. She’s standing on her own now, eating better, and it looks like she will make a full recovery. She’s a really beautiful horse, a Tennessee Walker, with a brown coat and a white patch along her breast. She would be perfect for the rehab center with her gentle nature. “Hey Mike, how’s our girl doing?”
“She’s made great progress. Her lung function is excellent, heart is stable, and gaining weight at a steady pace. I’d say in another month or two, she’ll be ready for you to start training.” He packs up his kit, and I walk with him back to his truck.
“Thanks Mike, I’ll let Larsen know about her progress. I think this horse will be great with the kids.”
I see Dr. Sheppard off then make my way to my own truck. I promised my mom this morning I’d come by to have a late lunch with her. I know what’s coming; the girl inquisition. Or should I say wife inquisition? The woman is 50 years old and thinks she’s old. She wants a grandchild before she’s too old to keep up with a little one. There's no denying I want a family some day. I actually thought I would have one by now, but the girls I've dated so far were just that, girls. Superficial, spoiled, entitled. They were only looking for someone to take care of them so they could spend their days shopping
on someone else's dime. They always think because my parents are well off, that I am too. Not the case.
My stepdad, Scott, owned a dairy farm that had been in his family for generations. He worked hard every day. During the boom of housing developments popping up several years ago, he made the decision to sell the land and retire early. He and Mom never had children together, and none of us boys wanted anything to do with running a farm, so it only made sense to sell and enjoy retirement while they were young enough to make the most of it. They also decided to share a part of that sale money with me, Crosby, and Parker; which afforded me to buy my small ranch and start taking in horses. Scott and Ellen Smith are incredible parents with giving hearts. Now, everything I have is from my own hard work. I don’t rely on my parents, and I don’t expect anything from them aside from their love and support.
I don’t plan to tell Azley about the status of my parents’ wealth. Parker’s words about girls like Azley looking for a daddy for their kids bouncing around in my head. I honestly don’t think she’s like that, but after being burned so many times, I don’t want to take any chances. I want her to like me for what I want to offer emotionally, not for what she thinks I can offer monetarily.
I pull into my parents’ driveway and turn off my truck. Making my way up to the front, I walk in through the door without knocking, calling out to let my mom know I’m here. I find my mom in the kitchen, putting together sandwiches. Walking around the kitchen island, I place a kiss on her temple as I snag a piece of orange bell pepper off of a tray. “How ya’ doing Mom?” I pop the pepper into my mouth before walking over to the fridge, grabbing a pitcher of iced tea. I pull a glass out of the cabinet and pour myself a glass before heading back to the other side of the island and sitting on one of the stools to my left.
“Same old, same old,” she answers as she puts a plate in front of me and slides the vegetable tray full of the peppers, cucumber slices, and grape tomatoes closer to this side. She joins me on the stool next to mine with her own tea and plate. “So, tell me, how’s life treating you? I heard from Larsen you brought on a new horse. She seemed really excited that you plan on donating it to her.”
“Yeah, she lost one last month, so when I heard about this one I couldn’t pass up the opportunity. What her family does is important. I’m glad to help out any way I can.” I take a bite of my sandwich, watching my mother through my peripheral vision. I can see the gears turning, the want in her eyes to bring up her next subject, her losing the battle to try not to. I let out a soft chuckle and then let her have her moment. “Spit it out mom. I know you can’t help yourself, so just go ahead and ask.”
“Have you met anyone yet? I know I badger you about this too much, but I just want you to be happy. Sometimes when I look at you, when you think nobody is noticing, you get this look on your face. I wouldn’t call it sad, just… not happy. Longing maybe. I worry about you, Evan.” Mom takes my left hand in hers, squeezing gently then giving it a swift pat before releasing it.
I swallow hard before giving her a sly grin. It’s not much, but hopefully what I’m about to tell her will help ease her worry. “I did meet someone. When I went out with Parker Saturday night. I’m taking her out on Friday.”
“Oh, Evan that’s wonderful! Who is she? Is she nice? Of course she is. What am I thinking? You have to bring her over so I can meet her.” My mother’s excitement can’t be contained, but I try to anyway.
“Slow down, Mom. I just met the girl. She doesn’t need to come over here and be bombarded with questions about her thoughts on marriage. Remember what happened when you did that to Crosby’s girlfriend? Poor guy thought he was never going to see her again.” I laugh as I remember the look on the girls face ten minutes after meeting my mother. She was so embarrassed and overwhelmed, she excused herself to the bathroom and it took Crosby another ten minutes to coax her out. They left not too long after that. It was another week before she would answer any calls from him. My mother can be overbearing, but it comes from her heart. She just wants her boys happy.
“Alright, I’ll behave. Just tell me about her.” Mom turns on her stool to face me, rests her elbow on the island so she can prop her head up with her hand. Her eyes are practically shaped like hearts as she looks at me; expectantly waiting for me to fill her in on everything.
“Her name is Azley, and she’s beautiful. She has a smart wit about her; a take charge and no prisoners’ persona. She demands attention from everyone around her with her sassy attitude. Intriguing and mysterious.” I don’t know how else to describe Azley to my mother without telling her how sexy she is, how when I kissed her that one time I lost all reasonable sense. I also don’t want to tell her yet that Azley is a mother herself. Not out of embarrassment or shame, but because I don’t know yet if things will work out. I also don’t want my mom getting excited about the prospect of a grandchild.
“Sounds like she could give you a run for your money,” she says.
“She definitely made me work to get her to go on a date with me. She’s strong willed, that’s for sure.” Mom just keeps looking at me with an unreadable expression on her face before she responds.
“Well, my strong-willed son,” she finally says with a wink, “I wish you the best of luck. I think you’re going to need it. You may have just met your match.”
We finish our lunch in silence, and I take our plates to the sink to rinse off and put them in the dishwasher. “So, am I clear from the grilling now? I need to get back to the house and make sure everything is in order before I start my shift tomorrow at the station.” And call Azley back to arrange our date for Friday night.
“Go, get out, and come over Saturday. Scott wants to grill, so I want you and your brothers here. It’s been too long since I’ve had all three of you together under my roof.” She shoos me toward the front door. I give her a kiss on her cheek as I walk by to leave.
“Love you, Mom. I’ll see you Saturday.”
“Love you too, Evan. Be careful out there.” I hate to see that look of worry in her eyes, so I do the only thing I can to hopefully ease it; I promise to be careful.
Chapter 7
Azley
It’s Friday afternoon and I just finished up my last class of the day. It’s also date night with Evan. My body is exhausted, and a long nap sounds very enticing at the moment. I have never been so tired in my life; not even while I was pregnant. It’s been a struggle to get out of bed every morning this week and I go to bed as soon as I lay Tyler down for the night at eight.
Once I get home, I take a quick shower before picking Tyler up from next door. Tatum is coming over at five to help me get ready and also to watch him while I’m gone. I sit on my little man’s bedroom floor and play with his trucks with him while we wait. I lay down on my side and prop my head up with my left hand while I move a dump truck around the streets of a city themed play carpet while making zoom noises. I fight falling asleep right there on the floor and think of the date I have tonight.
I’m nervous. This is the first time in the last two years that I don’t have a game plan regarding a date. Before I was only after the end game, the sex. It wasn’t so much the actual sex I wanted, I just wanted to feel something other than pain. I was picky who I chose to spend that kind of time with. I didn’t want anyone who was looking for long term. Nope, this girl just wanted casual, temporary, a safety net. Someone who would take the pain away and understood I would be walking away without a backward glance.
My heart had been shattered by Eric, by his betrayal of our love, or what I thought had been love. I managed to tape my heart back together, but tape is fragile. Getting involved emotionally only threatened to dissolve the adhesive and cause all the pieces to fall apart once again. Evan could do that to me. He was different. He wasn’t the kind of man who did casual. He did serious. He scared the hell out of me. So why did I agree to go out with him?
Oh, that’s right, I’m a glutton for punishment.
I hear a knock on my door before it
opens, “Hey woman, where are you?”
“We’re in Tyler’s room!” I call out to Tatum. She walks into the bedroom with a make-up kit in hand and a giant grin on her face.
“You have a date tonight! Can you believe it? I’m so happy for you, Az. You’re finally taking a step back into the rest of the world.” I swear her body twitches as if she’s holding back from jumping up and down and clapping her hands.
“It’s nothing to get excited about, Tay. It’s just a date. No biggie, seriously.” I push off the floor to stand. My stomach feels like it’s full of rocks, heavy and achy. I brush it off as nerves as we leave Tyler to play in his room and walk into mine.
“It is serious, Azley. You haven’t been on a date since Eric. You’re making your way back into the real world, and I am so proud of you for it.” Tatum wraps me in a hug so tight I have to fight to breathe before she lets me go. I push her off of me and walk to my closet to pull out an outfit.
“I already am in the real world. You act like I’ve confined myself to a damn cave for the last three years.” Starting to feel cranky, I yank a purple flowy tank off a hanger and stomp over to my dresser. I grab a white cami from a drawer then practically pull another drawer out of the dresser to grab a pair of black capris leggings. I slam it close and throw my clothes on the bed.
“Are you done with your tantrum, because I have more to say.” Tatum stands with her arms crossed over her chest and left hip cocked to the side while she stares me down with narrowed eyes. I shrug while pulling off my ratty shirt and boxer style shorts.
“Az, you may not have been living in a cave but you haven’t been living. You’re a great mom. Tyler is the luckiest boy in the world to have you. You built your life around him, made him top priority, as he should be. But, and this is a big but, you need to make yourself a priority sometimes too. Those occasional booty calls you had going on don’t count. Get out of mom world and join the rest of society. Not only do you need to do this for yourself you need to do it for Tyler. He needs his mom to be happy, and I’m sorry sweetie but you’re not happy. Not as much as you can and should be.”