by Ron Foster
Dixon (that was the old man’s given name) looked away as Annie and his wife Marylyn started hysterically laughing at something and Hogan waited for Annie to clue him in on what was so funny.
“I have a feeling that I am going to be the brunt of that joke.” Dixon said dryly before pausing.
“Old woman are you talking about me?” Dixon asked pretending to be angry.
“You know I am, old man!” Marylyn said with a much younger woman’s giggle.
“I can’t seem to get no respect.” Dixon said shaking his head sadly and then gave his wife of fifty years a playful look with gritted teeth.
“Oh Hogan, you have got to hear this story!” Annie said laughing with her eyes all a twinkle.
“Let me tell him my side of the story first Marylyn before you start up with your teasing at me. I don’t want Hogan and Annie thinking I actually am the daft old fool that you are about to make me out to be.” Dixon said with a smile before starting to tell his end of an experience that had occurred the day before.
Dixon said he had been sitting with Marylyn talking about going fishing that evening for something to do more than needing food and was griping that they couldn’t buy any crickets, worms or shiner minnows to do it with because the bait store was closed, they figured.
“We went by there; we are going back today to see if they open up. Dixon says that we can raise us some worms in a cooler on the back porch if we can get some.” Marylyn said before apologizing and saying that she would hush and let Dixon finish his story.
“Well, as I was saying, I got to thinking about where to get us some bait and thought about the field in front of the apartment and all the weeds around the edges.” Dixon said before telling the women to be still because they had started giggling again. After receiving the ladies smiling solemn promises to try to hush, he resumed his story.
“Well when I was a boy a century ago I thought nothing about catching bugs and such and figured what the hell I would go out and try my hand at it again. Let me tell you, Hogan, that isn’t an endeavor you want to try at 76 years old, you kind of lose all your creepy crawly grabbing skills if you know what I mean. Either that or the grasshoppers have gotten a lot faster since I was a young man.” Dixon said with a twinkle in his eye letting Hogan paint his own mental picture of an old man trying to catch bugs in a field.
“Marylyn, you are busting to tell this story so go right ahead.” Dixon said with a smile watching his wife who was on pins and needles with Annie to get the story out to Hogan.
Marylyn forgot all about her fishing line in the water and laid her fishing pole down on the bank and her and Annie came over and sat next to the two men.
“Well I had come out on the back patio to sit and wait for Dixon to come back. You can’t see much of the field from our porch but I felt better being out there where I might hear him or something, if he needed me. Well you know how they have those concrete wall dividers between people’s patios? The neighbors come out and didn’t know I was sitting outside next door and they commenced to getting their grill going and evidently their little boy saw Dixon attempting to catch something.” Marylyn said before Dixon interjected his opinion on that family.
“When they ain’t listening we call them people next-door the neurotic ones. They are scared of their own shadows.” Dixon said hotly before Marylyn paused her story long enough to tell Hogan they had got branded with that moniker when she and her husband had observed awhile back their little boy get his first tricycle. She explained he wasn’t allowed to use it unless he had on his helmet and knee and elbow pads and such.
“Why I have seen dirt track motocross racers wear less safety equipment than they force on that little nipper. I bet that skinny snowflake won’t ever get the chance to experience a real boy’s fun of growing up and discovering things in nature. Hogan, I heard a screech one day and a commotion going on next door to us and peeked around the corner through the privacy fence and saw her clutching that little goomer in her arms in the corner like an attack dog or something was after them. The husband, he come out and bravely stood in front of them with a silver spatula, a kitchen tool mind you, extended out in front of him bellowing for something to get away and backing up and smushing everybody more into the corner of that tiny patio. I thought it was a poisonous snake or something so I hollered for them to hold on and I would come to help and asked was their gate open? I grabbed my shovel and stood on my bench to see over the top of the fence to figure out what it was that had them so upset and do you know what it was? A lizard! Nothing but a big old danged green lizard that was puffing up his red throat trying to look cool for the lady lizards! That trivial thing is what they were scared of so bad” Dixon said chuckling.
“They got under my skin when Mrs. Blatt, how’s that for a last name, decided after she was watching Dr. Oz or something on the TV that I had to give her a list of all my flowers that I had growing out on my deck. Now she had something with that notion or worry I have to give her credit for. I didn’t know about poisonous flowers being so common. Did you know Begonias contain poisons called insoluble oxalates that can kill dogs and cats? They say if your pet manifests symptoms of begonia poisoning they will start drooling, vomiting, have problems swallowing, exhibit burning and visible irritation of the mouth, lips and tongue. I had no problems removing mine but they don’t even have a pet! They were scared little Lord Fauntleroy would get his hands through our fence and poison himself. They made the apartment manager put a list of banned plants in the complexes rules and wanted the maintenance guys to inspect the property for suspect plants. Ha! I bet them idiots couldn’t tell you a daffodil from a daisy.” Marylyn concluded.
“Get back to the story!” Annie encouraged.
“Oh yea, so I am listening to those nitwits next-door and they are speculating on whether or not Dixon here has lost something in the grass or if he has gone senile while doing whatever it is he is doing because all they see is him busy stumbling around sweating and cussing. Now I think what I am overhearing is funnier than hell and was biting my tongue to keep from laughing out loud but decided I needed to go retrieve Dixon because they started saying they thought he might be having an onslaught of an epileptic fit or dementia. Now since I can’t see him I get worried and start wondering if he hasn’t gotten himself a case of sunstroke going on maybe from chasing around out there and go to see about him. Well, that’s when the fun really started! You see the Mr. Blatt's mom and dad live in this complex also and they were walking their way over here for a visit. Evidently, Dixon had given up by now his idea of pursuing fish bait out in that hot field and was heading back to the apartment.” Marylyn said reaching over to hold her old hubby’s hand.
“Now she is going to accuse me of being a dirty old man! But I am not, I swear!” Dixon said objecting and after a light squeeze on his hand he let Marylyn finish the story.
“Well to hear him tell it what happened next was he saw a Monarch butterfly and tried to give his ancient insect catching capabilities one more go so he started chasing after it.”
“Darn near got it too!” Dixon exclaimed before hushing so that Marilyn could carry on with the story.
“Well that butterfly flew up on the wall and landed. The way he tells it, that butterfly landed about four feet off the ground on the corner molding of the building. Dixon said he tried sneaking up on it with his hands cupped together to catch it and missed it. The butterfly then began to fly around the corner of the apartment building with Dixon in hot pursuit with his hands outstretched in front of him and he grabbed at the first black and orange thing that he saw. What he grabbed wasn’t what he thought it was though. Turns out old Mrs. Blatt and her husband chose just that same moment in time to be walking their old selves between buildings and she had on an orange and black print blouse that Dixon’s fingers tried to take a liking to.” Marylyn said busting out laughing.
“Course I had my momentum going and got my feet all tangled up in the excitement of the moment trying to di
ve around that corner to catch that butterfly. I swear Hogan, I didn’t know what I had a hold of at that time but it ended up being Mrs. Blatt’s over large flouncy blouse collar. You know one of those big ruffley bib looking things that sort of look like butterfly wings and are made out of some kind of light and airy fabric? Well I let go of what I was trying to cup both my hands around and we sort of fell into Mr. Blatt and we all ended up falling on the ground with me on top.” Dixon said as the skin around his eyes wrinkled with mirth and he could hardly contain himself from outright busting out laughing at the spectacle.
“That is when I came around the corner from the front of the building and saw that dog pile of people. Reminded me of playing football as a kid! Would have been funny if I wasn’t so concerned about a bunch of old people wiggling around and looking like they were turtles turned over on their backs!” Marilyn said with a loud guffaw and drank some of what appeared to be red Kool-Aid she had put in a normal spring water bottle.
“You see I had gone out the front door of our apartment so the neighbors didn’t know I had been listening to them to go check on Dixon. We sort of avoid talking to the neighbors if we can if you know what I mean because they are so problematic you might say. Anyway, the neurotic neighbors are rushing out the wooden back gate of their patio to find out what just happened as Dixon is trying to pull up Miss Blatt from off the ground with her dress riding up and the husband is hollering ‘don’t touch her pervert’!” Marylyn said barely able to get it all out before she started laughing again.
“This is the part I like!” Annie said joining in the merriment.
“That guy had that same damn barbecue spatula in his hand that he tried to fight the lizard with!” Dixon said slapping his leg in glee after holding up one finger to set up the next revelation of that funny event.
“Well here I was trying to help that old biddy up and her husband I guess thought I was trying to molest her and here comes this son of theirs to splat me with a burger flipper.” Dixon said taking a sip out of his wife’s water bottle.
“So what’s a man going to do I says to myself in this situation and let go of Miss Blatt, who landed back on Mr. Blatt and tried to fend off his son who was trying to fly flap me with a spatula! Now I don’t know about you, but I take that kind of threat seriously even if he hasn’t tried to use the edge of it on me and I try to kick him in the knee. ” Dixon said before his wife cut him off and advised “and he fell on his butt again!” to which they evidenced disagreement with the account of that particular operation regarding its alleged defensive moves outcome that was solved with a couple glances at each other before carrying on.
“I hollered at him to put the spatula down and Dixon started trying to get his feet under him when that squirrelly man tried to hit him as he was getting up. So I clocked him!” Marylyn said.
“She did more than that! She knocked the danged doo doo out of that boy. Got him square on the chin and kicked him in the butt on the way down!” Dixon said clapping his hands together laughing before reaching over to give his wife a kiss.
“I just reacted; someone was trying to hurt you.” Marylyn began before saying “I knocked the crap out of him, didn’t I?” before wincing and saying her hand hurt.
“That you did darling, you would of probably tussled with his wife too, if I would of let you.” Dixon joked.
“Anyway, I got back to my feet Hogan and picked up that old spatula he dropped and told them all that this wasn’t anything but a mistake and a big misunderstanding and to calm down and behave. I also told them a time or two that I would whoop their asses with it like very bad children, if they didn’t behave and EVER tried fighting with me and my wife again. Sorry, Hogan and Miss Annie, but them marshmallow millenniums are out of their element thinking they can take on a pair of old style Arkansas razorbacks like me and Marylyn. Once things settled down and the stupidity of it all got understood, we had us a nervous laugh and left. More of an understanding that everyone needed to go home, if you get my drift. That guy was actually going to crown me and his dad was holding me until good old momma here threw a haymaker at him.” Dixon said.
“Yea it wasn’t no Mayberry comedy fight, we were seriously trying to hurt one another but it was still funny. I bet them people never been in a fight in their lives let alone lived through some of the bar brawls that me and Dixon have seen.” Marylyn said.
“I can imagine, I am glad you didn’t whoop up on them much even though you could have. Still funny as hell though, I agree. So give me more details about that little fracas.” Hogan said smiling.
“He wasn’t hurt much, cut his lip was all and got surprised as hell but I don’t reckon she loosened any of his teeth.” Dixon said breaking into his backwoods interpretation of a hillbilly drawl that is often imitated in the neck of the woods they came from.
“You have got to find some younger folks to chase bait for you while you fish.” Annie suggested grinning.
“I was just telling Marylyn that very same thing. How screwed up these days is it that you can’t get an over active seven or eight year old or whatever that whiny butt kid is, to catch an old man and woman a bug to fish with? I know they don’t fish, I know they can’t clean one or have the intestinal fortitude to bait the hook maybe. Marylyn, do you think them neighbors are vegetarians? Those were soybean burgers they said they were cooking on the grill last time we asked.” Dixon fumed.
“No but it seems like I smelled them cooking meat over there before … I never really gave it much thought. Those folks worry the hell out of me now because they are so pitiful in just facing life on an everyday basis, well life as I know or remember it anyway. So the kid gets banged up a bit playing with his tricycle, we all did. We also had our parents around to catch us and avoid those falls they had to experience themselves to avoid and look out for us so we didn’t get any boo-boo’s. Reminds me of those Yankees that put their little kids in them star shaped snow suits with so many layers of clothes they can’t move.” Marylyn said remembering when she was a little kid they could run around half naked and survive just fine in the bright sunshine and rusty red clay dirt of the back roads of her minds upbringing.
Hogan broached the subject with them about how they planned on getting by in this little apocalypse that everyone was just starting and asked did they have any sage advice for him and Annie.
“Oh, we are full of advice but none that you probably would do after you listened, this is a young and old persons world of doing exactly what we want to and ignoring others and elders it seems. I could tell you my firsthand experience of growing up during the depression and what our parents did while waiting on electricity and indoor plumbing to come to town. What they did with their lives and what went on in ours is all forgotten eras compared with the present experiences we are living now, though. Each of us look at the current situation with different eyes. Me and Marylyn are going to die Hogan; we haven’t given up, don’t get me wrong, we are simply going to expire before our time you might say and we accept that. No regrets because age is a drama only the experienced care to keep living. We have 30 days each of more pills than we can keep up with that the doctors have prescribed to make us supposedly live longer. Which pills those exactly are we have forgotten because the other pills are to offset the side effects for the ones that make us live longer. Never take pills, Hogan. I would tell you that bit of advice and you will probably live better and better. Anyway the pills will be gone and the diet restraints are already out the window and me and Marylyn here are going to sit and fish until our times come around.’ How about you two? Got anywhere to go, anything to do?” Dixon asked as the shock came to Hogan that neither he nor Annie had considered that basically what they would call everyday functioning elderly people these days would go downhill quickly as soon as the medicines run out. Both of them were familiar with the regime of medicines that were often given previously to older parents. Hogan and Annie didn’t take any daily doses of medicines themselves but that was not the norm it
seemed with the general populace with drugstores opening on every corner. You had to ask why they existed and more were built when not long ago a few used to serve very large cities.
It is like folks were being destined to time warp and start dying or something as soon as you were issued a script from a doctor because many modern prescriptions were so powerful you needed another doctor’s supervision to get off of them.
“Don’t look so sad you two, we have lived ourselves a full life and might just beat the banshee on this one. What I am saying, is that we are at peace with the dying sooner than later, that is if the neighbors don’t give us a heart attack first.” Marylyn said chuckling.
“You need to teach someone everything you know about surviving before you two decide to check out. Why I bet you got a million stories you will need to get out in the coming days that might just keep you ornery enough to just keep hanging around to aggravate folks a bit longer!” Hogan said trying to lighten the subject and encourage this engaging couple to hang on.
“Like I said, I am pretty sure that I am going to be here with my wife a lot longer than most of these young folks that don’t have a clue what to do now. We know how to get by in hard times, don’t we, sweetie!” Dixon said playfully towards his wife who gave him a quick affirmation.