by Kerri Carr
“You know, it was a big school. So many kids go there, you can’t possibly know everyone,” Harry said. Kara nodded, but she couldn’t speak. The doorbell rang, and Adam stood up as he said, “That must be Lucas. I’ll get it.” Kara watched him leave, unable to believe this was actually happening. She tried not to think about the night of Aria’s party, but the image of Adam across the shimmering blue water of the pool floated into her head and she couldn’t do anything to get rid of it.
A minute later, Adam walked back in, followed closely by Lucas. Kara tried not to stare at him, but she couldn’t help but notice the ways in which Lucas grown to look different from his brother. While Adam still had the clean All-American looks Kara remembered, Lucas had let his facial hair grow out a little, and he sported a slightly longer hair that was gelled back.
“Hi everyone,” he announced as he entered, and then he stopped and smiled at Kara, “Well, Kara Swan- you look exactly the same if not prettier.” She smiled back shakily and stood up to shake his hand, and he winked at her before he sat down. “Oh, you two know each other?” Margo said excitedly, but it was Adam who spoke, “Well, Lucas was a football player so most people knew him, right?” Kara nodded and Lucas laughed as he said, “And from what I remember, Kara was an avid fan of the sport.” Feeling her cheeks burning, Kara said nothing and took a sip of her drink.
Harry stood up suddenly and said, “Well, we’ll leave you kids to catch up. Margo and I will take a walk around the garden while dinner is being prepared.” As her mother stood up to leave, Kara tried to flash her a pleading look, but she walked away without glancing at Kara. As the two of them walked out of the dining table, Adam turned to Kara and said, “So Kara, what are you studying?” Kara opened her mouth and then closed it again, surprised that he was asking such a trite question, as though they had never shared any sort of history. She glanced at Lucas, who was smirking slightly. He clearly remembered her. So why didn’t Adam?
“Um,” she said, “I’m in my senior year, I’m studying International Relations and Political Science.” Lucas snorted into his drink and Adam looked at him with disdain before he said, “That sounds interesting, I’m doing law, and my brother here-” but before he could finish Lucas leaned forward and said, “So this is pretty weird, right? That you’re going to be our step-sister?” Kara felt mortified at first but she soon realized that Lucas wasn’t trying to be rude, and she laughed as the weirdness of the situation dawned on her. “Yeah,” she admitted, “it’s pretty strange, I mean four years ago, I would have not imagined this.” Lucas sat back and grinned at her and Kara added, “But you know, I’m glad my mom’s happy.” Adam nodded and said, “Exactly, that’s all that matters.”
Things were less awkward than Kara had expected them to be, and once Lucas had acknowledged what had transpired between them, Kara felt more relaxed. She was a little upset that Adam didn’t remember her at all, but she figured it was better that way. Now they could all form a new relationship from this point on. Their parents returned and dinner was served. The conversation flowing naturally as everyone moved on to second and third glasses of alcohol. Kara smiled to herself and thought that this might all just work out.
The dinner went well, and by the time Margo and Kara got up to leave, everyone was in really high spirits. Harry clamped down his hand on Kara’s shoulder and said, “You have no idea how badly I’ve always wanted a daughter, Kara- and I know I’m not your father, and I’m not claiming to be, but I’m just so happy to have you in my family.” Kara felt tears forming in her eyes and she hugged Harry tightly, unable to form a coherent sentence. Margo kissed the boys on their cheeks and then put her hand on Kara’s back, leading her out of the house. On her way to the car, Kara realized she had left her coat and she ran back inside to get it as Margo started the car. Harry was outside seeing Margo off, and nobody seemed to be around. Kara looked for Ellen but she couldn’t find her, so she went looking for the coat closet.
She had just managed to fish her coat out of a large closet when she closed the door and found herself face to face with Lucas. “Hey sis,” he said teasingly and Kara smiled as she said, “I forgot my coat- I’m just leaving now. Bye.” Lucas moved out of the way and said, “Bye,” but she could feel his gaze still on her. She turned to find her gazing at her legs the same way he had gazed at them four years ago. Kara hurried out of the house and tried to tell herself she had imagined it- but she knew she hadn’t.
*****
The next morning, Kara awoke with a strange memory of an awkward encounter with Lucas, but she shrugged it off and told herself it was just an effect of all the drinks she had downed last night. She dragged herself out of bed and pulled on a pair of shorts and a tank top. She could hear mother already out and about, and when she cracked open her bedroom door, she heard music. Slowly climbing downstairs, she walked in on her mother working out in the living room. “Mom?” Kara called out, confused since she had never seen her mother exercise a day in her life. Margo glanced up from her crunches and grunted, “Hey sweetie- you want breakfast? There’s some porridge on the stove.” Kara rubbed her eyes and said, “Mom what are you doing?”
Her mother stood up and wiped her forehead with a hand towel, switching into another position as she said “I’ve got to get in shape for the wedding. I’ve lost five pounds already.” Kara frowned as she sat down on the couch and said, “Mom, you really don’t need to lose any weight. I mean did you see the way Harry looked at you last night? You’re perfect.” Margo shrugged and said, “No harm in being healthy and looking your best. Which reminds me, when should we go for your dress?” Kara stretched her arms out and said, “What dress?” Her mother rolled her eyes and said “Your maid of honor’s dress, silly.” Kara suddenly clutched her heart and said, “Mom, am I really your maid of honor?” Margo laughed and said, “Yeah- who else would it be?”
Kara hugged her mother tightly and Margo laughed as she fought her off, “Let go- I’m sweating like a pig,” she said jokingly, but Kara held onto her and said, “I love you so much, Mom.” Margo hugged her back and said, “I love you too, kiddo. Now go have some oatmeal before it gets cold.” She walked into the kitchen and called out, “Have you thought of themes and colors?” The doorbell rang and her mom called out from the living room, “Can you get that, I’m stretching?” Kara put down her bowl and walked to the door, pulling it open to find Adam standing there, looking breathtakingly handsome in a fitted polo and khaki colored pants, holding two large plastic bags.
Kara suddenly wished she was more covered up, but she faked a wide smile and said, “Hi- what are you doing here?” Adam carefully kept his gaze on Kara’s face only as he said, “Hey, I was on my way to Dad’s work and thought I’d drop some breakfast off for you guys.” Margo waked up just then and brightly said, “Hi Adam. Gosh that was so thoughtful of you, come in please.” Adam shifted his weight from one foot to the other and said, “No, I really should go. I don’t want to keep Dad waiting.” Margo put her hands on her hips and said, “Absolutely not. Come in, I’ll explain it to Harry.” Adam knew he couldn’t win and he threw his hands up in mock surrender and said, “Alright, you beat me down.”
Kara crossed her arms over her chest, wishing she could throw something on as she followed Margo and Adam into the kitchen, where Adam set down the bags. “Kara honey, get some plates out,” Margo said as she sat down with Adam at the table. Kara had to bend to take out plates and felt even more uncomfortable that her bottom was facing Adam, when her tiny shorts already barely covered anything. She put down the plates and said, “I’ll be right back,” darting up the stairs and into her room before her mother could stop her. She threw on a robe and wondered if it would be more awkward now that he had seen her without it, but she continued wearing it and hoped her mother wouldn’t comment on it as she walked back downstairs.
“Kara, he brought waffles. You really are a part of this family, Adam.” Margo announced as Kara walked back in and sat at the table. “Were you feeling
cold, honey?” Her mother said, eyeing the robe and Kara tried to smile nonchalantly but it looked more like a pained expression as she said, “Yeah- it’s a little chilly here.” She wanted to die right there, but she had to keep on living in that moment as the awkward breakfast went on around her. She ate silently as her mother chatted away with Adam, her cheeks burning as watched the rippling muscles in his arms. Adam suddenly pushed back his chair and said, “I really should get going, thank you for a lovely time.” Kara felt relieved even as her mother looked disappointed and said, “Oh but this was so nice Adam. You should drop by more often.” Adam smiled and said, “You’ll move in soon enough. I won’t have to drop by.”
As Adam left, Kara thought about what he had just said. After the wedding, anytime Kara was back in town and visiting her mother, it would mean being in that house, and Adam and Lucas would always be around at all family holidays and occasions. She watched Adam drive off, and suddenly, without meaning to, she thought back to that night in Aria’s room when he had pushed her against the door. She shook her head quickly to get rid of the image, but it was too late. It was already burned into her mind and no matter what she did, or how much she tried to convince herself, she would never be able to see the boys as just brothers.
*****
A week later, Kara stood in the middle of the living room with her hands on her hips as she twirled in front of her mother. The dress had just arrived and Kara and her mother fawned over the delicate gold beadwork when there was a knock on the front door. Margo went to answer the door as Kara checked out her reflection in the full-length mirror. The dress was stunning- a strapless dull gold bodice with elaborate gold detailing merged with a full tulle shirt hand-embroidered with gold beading. Kara twisted her light brown hair onto one side of her neck as she thought about which accessories she would pair with it.
She suddenly heard her mother’s voice as she said, “Oh how nice to see you, come in.” Kara froze, and considered running up to her bedroom, but she knew it was too late. She desperately hoped that it was some woman from the neighborhood, but she already knew it would be one of the twins. Sure enough, a second later, her mother walked in with Lucas. He stopped right where he was and said, “Wow Kara- you look amazing.” Kara smiled, trying to hide how uncomfortable she felt as Margo said, “Sit down honey, I’ll make some tea.” She rushed off into the kitchen, leaving Lucas and Kara alone in the living room. Lucas smirked at Kara, and said, “Honestly, you look really good.”
Kara had told herself she wouldn’t say anything to Lucas, but suddenly her resolve was gone and she balled her fists as she whispered, “Stop it, Lucas. Things happened in high school okay, but it’s all over and done with. I mean, we’re family now for Christ’s sakes.” Lucas raised an eyebrow and said, “Kara, what are you trying to say?” Kara motioned towards the kitchen and said, “Keep your voice down. I’m saying that nothing’s ever gonna happen again between us. We’re not like that anymore.” She expected Lucas to either get aggressive or to come at her with some sarcastic comment or witty quip. What she didn’t expect was laughter. Lucas was laughing so hard that he clutched his sides and Kara furiously glared at him. “What’s so funny?” She hissed under her breath, and Lucas held up his hands, steadying himself as he finally stopped laughing.
“Oh God, Kara, you really don’t know? Wow, four years is a long time, okay? Things change.” He looked serious now, and Kara nodded, “Yeah, trust me I know. Like us, you and I may have shared something in the past, but we’re brother and sister now.” Lucas snorted and said, “Yeah, and also- I’m gay.” Kara blinked at him silently for a few seconds before she said, “You’re- sorry, what?” Lucas rolled his eyes and said, “Gay. I’m gay. I like men, Kara.” Kara placed a hand on her hip and said, “Since- since when?” Lucas smiled and said, “Don’t get me wrong, you’re beautiful, but I was too scared to come out in high school and I was convinced that if I was with enough girls, I could come to like them. But nope, super gay.”
Kara sat down on the sofa, her dress suddenly feeling really tight as she glanced towards the kitchen to make sure her mother was out of earshot, “But you- you fingered me behind the football field.” Lucas shrugged and said, “I knew that you were like one of the most popular girls in school, and if people saw me leaving the game with you, then nobody would question that I was into girls. It took me like two years after high school to come out. I told Adam first, and then eventually Dad. Even your mom knows. I’m surprised she didn’t mention it.”
Kara fanned herself and said, “Well- wow, I mean I’m happy for you. It’s nice that you were able to come out to everyone and accept yourself.” Lucas smiled, and then Kara shook her head as she said, “I can’t believe I was so worried about this, and you’re both gay.” It all made sense now- the way Lucas had looked at her that night, and why Adam had forgotten about it. Lucas shook his head and said, “Whoa, no- no, Adam isn’t gay. He’s straight- very straight.” Kara stood up suddenly and said, “Oh- well, I’m going to go change out of this dress, I don’t want to ruin it.”
She didn’t wait for a response and hurried upstairs, closing the door shut as she tried desperately to get out of her dress. She didn’t understand why she suddenly felt like crying, but Lucas’s words kept ringing in her head, “Adam isn’t gay. He’s straight- very straight.” She let her dress fall to the floor and then she lay down on her bed in her underwear. When Lucas had come out to her, she had automatically assumed that Adam was gay too, and that made her feel better about the fact that he had never acknowledged their little encounter at the party. She had figured that obviously he would have wanted to repress that memory- but now that she knew that wasn’t the case, she had to come to terms with the idea that he really had forgotten about it.
She realized she was crying, and angrily wiped the tears off her cheeks, reevaluating everything she had known about herself in high school. She had always been so sure that all the boys wanted her. But Lucas wasn’t even into her, and Adam had found her completely forgettable. Plagued with self-doubt and insecurity, Kara put on a large oversized grey sweater and some black tights before heading back downstairs. Lucas and Margo were laughing and talking over tea, and as Kara joined them in the living room, Margo said, “Lucas told me he just came out to you? I think it’s perfect that everybody knows. I’m telling him that he should bring his boyfriend as his date to the wedding.”
Lucas smiled and blushed as he said, “He’s not really my boyfriend- I don’t wanna freak him out. Besides, Dad’s sisters don’t know yet, and I don’t wanna cause a scene.” Kara smiled and nodded along with them, but really, she just wanted to climb into bed and eat some donuts as she contemplated her own undesirability.
*****
Margo stood up and said, “I think I should go take a shower- I have a meeting with the wedding planner in the evening.” After her mother retired to her room, Kara was left sitting with Lucas in silence. He was looking at her over his teacup and she raised her eyebrows. “What?” She said, a little defensively. Lucas put his cup down and sighed impatiently, “Are you ever going to admit it?” Kara narrowed her eyes, “Admit what?” Lucas smirked and said, “Are you going to admit that you’re in love with my brother?” Kara’s mouth fell open and she stared as Lucas shook his head and said, “I know, Kara- I’ve known ever since I saw the two of you together.” Kara shook her head quickly and said, “No- no absolutely not. I was acting weird because we share a history that is not very sibling-like.” I scoffed, but Lucas shook his head.
“No- you’re lying to me. See, you and I also share that history, and you didn’t know that I was gay until right now. But you made it very clear to me that nothing was going to happen between us, and that I was your brother- and you’re fine with that because what we had is in the past. But with Adam- it’s a different story, isn’t it?” Kara chewed on her bottom lip and turned away from him, but his words were pulling at her, making her think about what he had just said.
Kara knew tha
t Harry was good for her mother- she had seen a new side of her over the last week. Her mother would now wake up and exercise, she would laugh more, and take care of herself in a way she didn’t- or couldn’t- for a long time after the divorce. Kara was happy for her, but the matter of the twins had been on her mind from the very minute she found out. The minute Lucas had told her he was gay, Kara had realized that he wasn’t the one she had been worried out- it had always been Adam. She knew that what she shared with Lucas had been a momentary thing- he was simply one of the many guys she had fooled around with in school, but with Adam, there was something else.
He was something else- something more sophisticated, almost unattainable. It was driving Kara mad that Adam didn’t remember her- she thought she would have made an impression on him, even a little bit. Just the sound of his name gave rise to the butterflies in her stomach, but he had greeted her the night of the dinner as though it was the first time they were meeting. Kara shook her head- it didn’t matter, it shouldn’t- she knew that. But it did matter, and she couldn’t get it out of her head.
“No,” she suddenly whispered, pressing her fingers against her mouth. “Yes,” Lucas said, smiling. Kara looked at him, panicking as she said, “But I can’t do anything about it- I can’t do that to my mother. I- I don’t even know if this is real, or if this is all just resurfacing now because of the wedding.” Lucas reached out and took her hand, “Kara,” he said gently, “Don’t you think you also owe it to yourself to find out if there’s more?” She gazed at Lucas and said nothing, and a few minutes later he stood up. “Look, I have to go- I have a date, but just think about what I said. Maybe there’s a reason all this happened, and you met Adam again after years.”