All or Nothing

by Deborah Cooke

  He flashed a grin at the receptionist, all cocky confidence, and Jen’s knees went weak. “Roxie isn’t happy about being dumped home alone,” he said, his tone conversational. “I think she knows that you’re worried. You know how sensitive she is to your moods.”

  So that’s where he’d gone. And why he’d driven off so quickly. Jen made a mental note not to assume that she could guess what Zach Coxwell was doing in any given situation. The man had a talent for challenging her assumptions. Her heart warmed and she smiled at him, seeing his own annoyance fade a little.

  He captured her hand in his and she dared to hope.

  The receptionist smiled politely and gave Jen back her card, telling her to take a seat and wait. One of the ladies waiting moved so that they could sit together and Zach thanked her graciously. He sat right beside Jen, his shoulder bumping hers. He was the only man in the waiting room, and the other women watched him openly.

  “I didn’t think you’d come,” Jen said quietly and earned herself a stern look.

  “I had to stop by to kill you,” Zach said lightly. He claimed her hand again and gave her fingers a squeeze. She saw a flicker of anger in his eyes. “What the hell do you think you were doing, not telling anyone that you were having this test done?”

  “I didn’t want to worry anyone…”

  Zach interrupted her before she got any further. “I don’t know whether to be more pissed off that you thought I was lying about loving you, or that you thought I was like Steve.”

  “But, I…”

  “I mean, come on, Jen. There’s not much worse you could say to me than that you think I’m like that jerk.”

  “Well, I didn’t. Not really.”

  “But you were afraid I was.”

  Jen looked down at her hands. Zach knotted his fingers with hers and leaned closer to make his point. “The point of loving someone is that you worry about them, Jen.” Zach’s words were emphatic and his tone was low. She met his gaze and there wasn’t a flicker of laughter in his eyes.

  He was not putting her on.

  “The point of loving someone is that you are there when that person needs you, and vice versa.” He shoved his other hand through his hair, which made him looked rumpled and disreputable and unpredictable. He gave her a simmering look. “Although I can’t believe I have to explain to Natalie Sommerset’s daughter what it means to love somebody.”

  “I wanted to wait until I knew the test results for sure…”

  “But the uncertainty is what’s eating you alive,” Zach insisted. “That’s why you can’t sleep.” He brushed a fingertip across her cheek and Jen nearly melted at the tender gesture. “The uncertainty is the part you most need to share, Jen, because not being sure of what’s in front of you lets your imagination go wild.”

  “I’ll say,” interjected an older woman on the other side of the waiting room.

  “Nobody asked you to carry this burden by yourself and nobody who loves you expects you to do it,” Zach continued. His grip on her hand was crushing but Jen was glad of it. He was here, and there was no mistaking that. “I love you, Jen.” He smiled crookedly. “And that means that you’re stuck with me.”

  “For better or for worse?” she ventured and he laughed. It was probably the first time anyone had ever laughed in this waiting room. The other women watched with interest.

  “Something like that.” He pursed his lips. “In fact, exactly like that.” He turned a sparkling glance on her. “You see, I’ve been thinking that this fake engagement has its limitations.”

  “Does it?”

  “One big one, really. A fake date and a fake engagement means a fake wedding.” He held her gaze steadily. “And I don’t want a fake wedding. Not with you.”

  Jen’s mouth went more dry than it already was.

  Zach looked down at their linked hands. “The thing is, Jen, that I had to prove myself to you. I still eat Kraft Dinner and I still don’t have a lot of furniture, but I know what I want to do. You helped me find that and this show, I’m hoping, is the first step on that path.” He shrugged. “Who knows whether it will work, but it’s an opportunity and one that is a step in the right direction. It’s one of the first things I’ve ever wanted.”

  “Not the first thing?”

  He smiled at her, his grin so warm and wicked that Jen got goose pimples. “No. That was you.”

  Jen didn’t know what to say.

  Zach spun out of the chair. He dropped to one knee in front of her, and kept a firm grip on her hand. The other women tittered but Jen had eyes only for Zach. “I love you, Jen Maitland,” he said with such conviction that her heart squeezed tight. “I want to be with you every step of the way, I want to take pictures of you and travel with you, and just hang out with you. I want to argue with you and plan with you and build a life together. I want to be there every time you smile and I want to hold you every time you cry.” He kissed her palm, then met her gaze, his own earnest. “So, will you marry me, for real?”

  “No break-up at the altar?”

  “Ideally, no. It would hurt my Mom’s feelings, and then I’d have to learn to brood.” His voice deepened and he was serious again. “I mean the real thing, Jen. What do you say?”

  Jen smiled at him, feeling happy and excited and fearful all at the same time. “Yes,” she said. “Yes, I will.”

  Before she could kiss him, he snapped his fingers. “By the way, I found something you forgot.” Zach reached into his pocket. He pulled out a wadded paper towel.

  “A present from Roxie?”

  “No, this is better.” Jen didn’t know what to expect until he unrolled it and revealed his mother’s cameo ring, nestled safely there. “It suits you,” he said, offering the ring.

  Jen went to push her middle finger through it, but Zach shook his head. “It’s been resized,” he said.

  She pushed her ring finger through it, awed that he had such optimism—or confidence—in her reply. The ladies in the waiting room applauded. Jen didn’t care, just leaned forward and kissed Zach. He brushed off his jeans and took his seat beside her again, his arm tight around her shoulders.

  “What if I’d said no?” Jen teased.

  Zach grinned and held her close. “I would have rephrased the question.”

  “You’re confident.”

  “It’s a gift.”

  “Jen Maitland,” the receptionist called and reality intervened all too soon.

  * * *

  The oncologist let Zach accompany Jen when she claimed him as her fiancé, provided that he stayed out of the way. Zach stood back as he was bidden and watched the technician position Jen on the table. Jen breathed more quickly out of her fear, but she didn’t show any other emotion. He couldn’t see her right breast, where it protruded from the table, because of the technician and the doctor, but he could see Jen’s face.

  She looked small and pale and frail and vulnerable. He wanted her out of here. He wanted her healed. He wanted cancer to go away.

  But it wasn’t likely to listen to him.

  Jen closed her eyes when they slid the needle into her breast. The oncologist spoke softly to her. Long moments later, the doctor stepped away and Jen opened her eyes. Her gaze flew directly to him: he winked at her and gave her a thumbs-up, which made her smile thinly.

  Never mind decking Steve, he’d like to deck whoever was in charge of distributing cancer among the human population.

  Dr. Levittson put a hand on Jen’s bare shoulder. “It will take a couple of days to hear back from the lab. Don’t panic if I don’t call you before Monday. Remember: I’m being cautious and proactive here.”

  “Maybe you should have my cell number,” Zach said. Jen looked surprised but he just smiled at her. “Jen doesn’t know yet, but I’m kidnapping her for the weekend.”

  “But I have a class tomorrow,” Jen argued.

  “Then skip it. This is worth it.”

  “You’re leading me astray again,” Jen complained.

  �
�No, I only lead you into temptation. What you do when you get there is up to you.” Zach winked at Jen and she laughed.

  Dr. Levittson smiled in her turn. “Sounds like exactly what the doctor would order. Have fun.”

  “We will,” Zach said.

  Jen sat up slowly, but Zach knew she was still worried. He gave her a hand to get down from the table as she seemed a bit unsteady. “Sore?”

  “Not so bad,” she said, although she was pale.

  “Come on,” he urged. “Let’s get Roxie and go home.”

  “But…”

  He stopped her protest with a kiss. “No arguments. Just trust me.”

  She glanced through her bangs and gave him that little pixie smile, the one that turned his world upside-down. “Okay. I will.”

  “I’m going to hold you to that,” he teased, relieved when her smile broadened.

  * * *

  The traffic was miserable.

  By the time they went to Zach’s place and picked up an exuberant Roxie, ensured that Roxie had a chance to relieve herself and stopped at Natalie’s for Jen to pack a bag, it was six o’clock. The roads heading out of Cambridge were choked with commuter traffic.

  There was nowhere to stop for dinner and eat anything remotely good for them, so they decided to keep going. Natalie had hastily packed them a few sandwiches on her fresh bread—made with wheat berries this time—but there weren’t any parks to stop for a picnic. Jen unwrapped vegetarian sandwiches and poured green tea from the thermos Natalie had also filled, Roxie watched the food move between passenger and driver with avid interest, and Zach drove.

  It seemed to take forever to leave the congestion of the city behind. Zach refused to name their destination, but they were headed northeast. When they turned out toward the coast, Jen unrolled the window a bit and just enjoyed the drive. Roxie stuck her head over Jen’s shoulder to sniff the breeze and Zach told a few bad jokes. Jen was happy, or as happy as she could have been given the uncertainty of waiting for lab results.

  Jen must have dozed off because she woke up when the car was bumping slowly along a dark road. It was unfamiliar to her, although she could see the silhouettes of buildings to one side. Trees adorned with snow rose high on the other side of the car, houses beyond them. There was no traffic and no streetlights, just Zach peering up at the buildings in the darkness as if he wasn’t sure where he was going.

  He finally turned into the parking spot behind one that had no lights.

  “No one’s expecting us,” Jen said.

  “I think this is it,” Zach said. He pulled a key ring out of his pocket and turned on the light in the car to sort through them.

  The key ring had a hang tag that said “272 Main Street.”

  Jen read that and knew where she was. She raised her hands to her mouth in surprise and stared at Zach. “You bought it,” she whispered. “You were the one who bought MacCauley’s bookstore.”

  He flashed her a grin. “No. We bought it.” He extricated the second set of keys and handed them to Jen. “It’s jointly owned. Welcome home.”

  Jen was incredulous. “But you didn’t know…”

  “Yes, I did, Jen.” Zach tapped his chest, and looked fierce. “I knew, right here, that we should be together. Even without your mother’s astrological charts.” He grimaced. “I was, however, a little less certain that you knew the same thing.” He grinned at her. “I am shameless enough to use all possible arguments in my favor, including real estate.”

  “You bought this place and made it joint, not knowing what I’d say?”

  “I followed my instincts.”

  “You’re crazy.”

  “New material, Jen, you need new material. And don’t say that before you see the mortgage. Your name’s on that piece of paper, too, although James may cut us some slack on payments.” He smiled at her. “I knew you’d like this better than a trip to New York and a ring from Tiffany.”

  Jen didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “You’re right. I do.” She threw her arms around him and made her feelings clear with a resounding kiss. Roxie barked with impatience, making them end their kiss all too soon.

  “She’s right,” Zach said. “Getting caught steaming up the windows is a bad way to meet the neighbors for the first time.”

  “With melted Jockeys, too,” Jen teased and he laughed.

  “Come on. Let’s go in. I hope the furnace is still on.”

  They spilled out of the car, gathered their things, then made their way to the back door. They laughed together in the darkness as they tried to get the key in the lock, and Zach talked about the first improvement being a new light.

  Then they stood, hand in hand, in the space that would be Jen’s wool shop. Jen had a lump in her throat the size of Rosemount. The furnace was on, churning away in the basement, although they didn’t flick on the lights right away. Roxie trotted through the whole building, her nails echoing on the hardwood floor, the sound of her sniffing resonating in the empty space.

  “It’s perfect,” Jen breathed.

  “I thought we’d keep the condo at least until you finish your degree,” Zach said. “Then we can decide what to do with it.”

  “It might be handy, but maybe too expensive to keep.”

  “We’ll work it out. I think this will be home, though.”

  Jen smiled. “So do I.”

  “You’ll need shelves and inventory.” Zach strolled the length of the space, looking at it. “Quite a lot of it, really.”

  “But Teresa wants to be my partner and investor. I already know that she loves this space.”

  “Then all you need is a name.”

  “Oh, but I have that already,” Jen said, hearing the laughter in her own voice. He turned to look at her and she loved him so much that she couldn’t believe her luck.

  But then, she’d known what she wanted and asked for it.

  She’d wanted Zach. She smiled at him, knowing that she exuded confidence the way he so often did. “I’m going to call it The Black Sheep, since that’s who brought me to Rosemount in the first place.”

  Zach was clearly flattered. “I like it.”

  Jen crossed the floor to him and put her arms around his neck. “And I love you, Zach Coxwell. Thank you for following me today.”

  He snorted as he caught her close. “As if I could have gone anywhere else.” They smiled at each other, then Zach sobered. “It’s going to be okay, warrior queen.”

  “I know,” Jen said and she believed it. “Because we’ll face everything together.” She smiled at him, feeling mischievous. “So, are you planning to kill me the way I tried to kill you?”

  “You bet,” Zach said with a laugh. “Pucker up, sister Jen,” he said, his tone teasing, then bent to kiss her thoroughly.

  * * *

  Jen was cleaning the kitchen in the apartment when Dr. Levittson called Zach’s cell on Friday afternoon. The oncologist immediately apologized for being wrong. Jen practically danced across the hardwood floor as the doctor explained that the biopsy was benign, then insisted that Jen book another mammogram in six months.

  “Let’s be proactive,” Dr. Levittson said and Jen agreed.

  She hung up, dialed and made that appointment, then leaped on Zach when he returned from the hardware store five minutes later.

  They fox-trotted across the empty apartment after she told him the news, making up the steps as they went and laughing at each other in their happiness. Roxie bounced around them and barked, sensing their joy.

  “What if we don’t get married in February?” Jen asked and Zach froze.

  “What do you mean?”

  She grabbed his collar and gave it a shake. “I mean, what if we get married sooner?”

  He smiled slowly, a smile that warmed her to her toes. “You’re blowing off the Asiatic lilies and roses?”

  “All I want is you.”

  “Ditto.” He gave her a look that was filled with mischief. “Think we can still find the justice of the peace thi
s afternoon?”

  Jen smiled, not having thought of that soon, but liking the suggestion when she heard it. “Rosemount isn’t that big.”

  “No, it’s not. I think we can do it.”

  Jen laughed, thinking a quick and small wedding would be the perfect solution. She was going to follow Zach’s impulse and surrender to the moment.

  She knew she was going to be getting better at that with every passing day.

  * * *

  It’s Dinah Dishman, the Dishing Diva, here on Radio Rosemount on Monday January 25, with all the latest gossip about what’s going on in and around Rosemount.

  Your eyes didn’t deceive you, ladies: Zach Coxwell is back but that boy is taken. The lucky lady is Jen Maitland, formerly of Cambridge. Fear not, ladies, you’ll be able to catch glimpses of the happy couple around town: they’ve bought the building that used to be MacCauley’s bookstore and are already living in the apartment upstairs. Rumor has it that the happy couple tied the knot right here in Rosemount, sometime earlier this month, and just dropped into the J.P.’s office one Friday afternoon.

  That Zach Coxwell is something else, isn’t he? I can believe that Jen was swept off her feet. There are lots of us in town who would have gone for that deal, but the Diva isn’t dishing those names. Your secrets, ladies, are safe with me.

  For now.

  Jen tells the Dishing Diva that her knitting store will be opening in the former MacCauley’s and the Diva is advising you to watch for a grand opening in September. The store’s to be called The Black Sheep, which I’m sure has nothing to do with our boy Zach’s reputation. Nuh uh uh. Has he mended his ways? Or will life get more interesting in Rosemount? Stay tuned.

  Our boy Zach has been busy. After all his travels, he’s the star of a one-man photography show down at the Holland-Mercer Gallery in Boston. The grand opening was on Friday night and rumor has it that not only does our local-boy-made-good have another show booked for later in the year, but that this one is already sold out. Shake your booty on down to Boston to check it out through the end of February and see where Zach has been.

  Not to mention—although of course, I am mentioning it—there was a private reception for the newlyweds last Saturday, at the Coxwell digs we all know and love, for five hundred of their nearest and dearest, including yours truly. Gray Gables was hopping, courtesy of an ancient karaoke machine, the like of which I would never have expected to see at a Coxwell party. It was some kind of fête—those Coxwells know how to turn it on. In case you were wondering, both bride and groom can really sing.