by Jim Benton
dumbly danced with Angeline, and we all dumbly
danced with Dicky. He challenged Isabella to a dance-
off, which he might have actually won, except that
halfway through he started coughing up some wig
hair that had accidentally gotten into his oatmeal
cookies. Huh.
I honestly can’t remember when I’ve had a
dumber time.
Saturday 28
Dear Dumb Diary,
Mom got out Grandpa’s diary this morning
and we curled up on the couch and read parts of it
together.
She had never read it before, and when I told
her how surprised I was that Grandpa was kind of a
big, fluffy bunny when it came to Grandma,
she said that Dad was the same way.
“Your dad cried during Bambi,” Mom said. “I
didn’t want him to feel weird about it, so I had to
cry, too. I just thought about my favorite shoes
getting ruined.”
We looked through the diary and she really
and truly cried and laughed, and then I cried and
laughed, too. In the end, I think she laughed more
than she cried, and she even started snorting
and cackling like she used to. I think it might
have been Grandpa’s dumbness that really helped
her the most.
She seemed less like a little girl that had lost
her mom forever, and more like a little girl that
would never lose her mom again.
Later on, I started thinking back on all the
things I’ve done — the smart things, the dumb things,
the super- dumb things, the extra -super -dumb
things — and I realized that often the dumb things
lead me to something smart.
It’s not that smartness is bad. Smartness is
critical, but it’s like dumbness is this magical thing.
At first you resent and regret it, but eventually, you
realize you need it in order to get to the smart part.
And maybe sometimes the dumbness is
even the best part of your day. Or your week. Or
your life.
I never should have tried to abandon it. I
really thought it was a change for the better, but I
think sometimes it’s actually better to change
for the worse.
Thanks for listening, Dumb Diary,
How Dumb Can You Be?
Jamie tries to live each day to the dumbest — but
can you? Try to choose the dumbest response to
each situation below!
1.) Your crush asks you to the school dance. You:
a. Smile and say, “Have your people call my
people and we’ll set it up.”
b. Look at the floor and mumble, “Sure.”
c. Point down the hall and shout, “Whoa, is that
a koala in a top hat?” and then run in the
other direction before you have to say
anything else.
2.) Your mom tells you to clean your room. What
do you do?
a. Shove everything in the closet and announce
that you’re done.
b. Start cleaning, but get distracted by painting
your dog’s toenails.
c. Tell her that if it’s your room, you get to
decide what it looks like, and if it’s not your
room, the owner should have to clean it.
3.) It’s school picture day . . . but you spill juice on
your favorite sweater on the way to school. What
do you do?
a. Keep the sweater on. Your mom will flip when
she sees the picture!
b. Shove the sweater in your locker and have
your picture taken in the slightly less dirty
T-shirt you wore underneath.
c. Run to the cafeteria and spill everything you
can find on your sweater. Now it looks like
modern art!
4.) Your crazy aunt is coming to visit, and she’s
staying in your room while you sleep on the
couch. What do you do?
a. Booby- trap your room and pretend you have
no idea why she’s covered with mustard and
glitter when she comes out.
b. Grin and bear it. It’s only for a few days, and
at least you can make fun of her behind her
back.
c. Feed your dog a half-dozen bean burritos and
laugh as you watch him curl up at the foot of
her bed to sleep.
5.) You’re on vacation with your family, but your bag
got lost at the airport. What’s your plan?
a. Grab any other bag. Something will fit.
b. See how many different ways you can use the
T-shirt, jeans, sweater, and jacket you wore
on the plane. Jacket pants? Jeans on the
head? The possibilities are endless!
c. Wear some of your mom’s extra stuff, even
though it’s way too big. At least you’re not
around anyone you know! (And “accidentally”
break the camera, just to make sure there’s
no photo evidence.)
6.) The sixth cutest guy in your grade sits down at
your lunch table. You:
a. Tell him it costs a dollar to sit there.
b. Faint. This is sometimes for the best.
c. Try not to blind him with your most charming
smile.
7.) You have a big math test coming up. How do you
prepare?
a. Make up fabulous song and dance numbers to
help you memorize your times tables. No one
will mind if you have to do them during the test.
b. Study all night, and then accidentally fall
asleep the minute the test is passed out.
c. Look over your notes a few times and hope for
the best.
8.) The most perfectly perfect girl in school assaults
you with a hair flip of her signature shampoo
fragrance. You:
a. Gasp and fall to the ground, choking.
b. Try to hold your breath.
c. Spray her with a bottle of your own concoction
that you keep in your backpack for just such
an occasion.
Make Your Own Dumb Posters
Making school posters isn’t for amateurs! Sketch
some posters advertising the teams and events
below. (Feel free to add as much glitter as you dare.)
Mathletes: Just like athletes, but not in any way fun
to watch!
Join the soccer team!
Considered a sport in several countries.
Wherefore art thou, old- timey actors? Don’t miss
the Drama Club auditions for Romeo and Juliet!
Winter Carnival — making hypothermia fun again!
School Mascot Needed!
Qualifications: enthusiasm, ability to cartwheel
and breathe under forty pounds of felt
Join the Cooking Club!
Hey, try not to accidentally poison anyone, okay?
Don’t miss the book that started it
all — Jamie Kelly’s very first diary!
Turn the page to sneak a peek inside the first diary
of Jamie Kelly, who promises that everything she
writes is true . . . or at least as true as it needs to be.
(But Jamie has no idea that anybody is reading her
diaries — so please, please, please don’t tell her.)
Dear Dumb Diary,
Today Hudson Rivers (eighth cutest guy in my
grade) talked
to me in the hall. Normally, this would
have no effect on me at all, since there is still a
chance that Cute Guys One Through Seven might
actually talk to me one day. But when Hudson said,
“Hey,” today, I could tell that he was totally in love
with me, and I felt that I had an obligation to be
irresistible for his benefit.
So just as I’m about to say something cool
back to Hudson (Maybe even something REALLY
cool. We’ll never know for sure now.), Angeline
comes around the corner with her jillion cute things
dangling from her backpack, and intentionally looks
cute RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS EYES. This
scorpion-like behavior on her part made me forget
what I was going to say, so the only thing that came
out of my mouth was a gush of air without any
words in it. Not like this mattered, because he was
staring at Angeline the same way Stinker was
staring at the ball a couple days ago.
Don’t miss all the books
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Four girls, one charm
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From the author of It’s Raining
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about how anything is possible when
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Some guys just can’t
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This is the true story of how Raina
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friends who turn out to be not so
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Callie is the set designer for her
middle school’s spring musical, and
is determined to create a set worthy
of Broadway. But between the onstage
AND offstage drama that occurs once
the actors are chosen, it’s going to be
a long way until opening night!
“Charming characters, hilarious illustrations,
and a big bunch of fun!”
-Dav Pilkey, creator of Captain Underpants
ARE YOU YETI FOR ADVENTURE?
Join Blizz Richards as he keeps the world safe for goblins,
sea monsters, unicorns, and Bigfeet of all kinds!
About Jim Benton
Jim Benton is not a middle-school girl, but do
not hold that against him. He has managed to
make a living out of being funny, anyway.
He is the creator of many licensed properties,
some for big kids, some for little kids, and some
for grown-ups who, frankly, are probably behaving
like little kids.
You may already know his properties: It’s
Happy Bunny™ or Catwad™, and of course you
already know about Dear Dumb Diary.
He’s created a kids’ TV series, designed
clothing, and written books.
Jim Benton lives in Michigan with his spectac-
ular wife and kids. They do not have a dog, and
they especially do not have a vengeful beagle.
This is his first series for Scholastic.
Jamie Kelly has no idea that Jim Benton, or
you, or anybody is reading her diaries. So, please,
please, please don’t tell her.
Jim Benton’s Tales from Mackerel Middle School
I’m sorry, is my dumbness
bothering you?
www.scholastic.com/deardumbdiary
www.scholastic.com/readinglevel
Dear Dumb Diary,
I kept thinking about how things were so different in the
olden times when my grandma went to school. The Internet
hadn’t been invented yet, and there were maybe three television
channels, and I seriously doubt that there were any of the high-
quality chewing gums that modern humans require.
Try to imagine this.
You know how you get impatient waiting ten seconds for your
computer to start? My grandma had to wait fifty years for
hers to start.
Maybe that’s why she seemed a little dumb to me.