by Lacey Black
“I figured,” she says, sitting down in one of my guest chairs across from me. “Are you okay with this?” Her pretty eyes reflect worry.
“Yeah. I mean, it wasn’t planned or anything, but I’m still happy about it.”
“And Luke?”
I take a few deep breaths. “He has been wonderful. He’s been supportive and helpful. He says he’s in it for the long haul.”
“And do you believe him?” she asks, forcing me to voice my deepest concerns.
“I think he’s okay with it now, but I’m just not sure what the long-term will bring.” Guilt washes over me for thinking such things, but it’s the truth. “I’m scared that he’ll realize he doesn’t want to be a father, that he’ll realize he doesn’t want me. Sure he says he does now, but for how long? Look at my dad? He cheated on my mom with numerous women, including his own assistant who he left us for.”
And there it is. My deepest, darkest secret. My biggest insecurity revealed. Everyone leaves. Nothing is ever perfect, as much as you try to pretend. On the outside, we’re all just putting on a show, while on the inside, we’re dying a slow death.
Mick was different. Honestly, I knew my heart was never really in jeopardy with him. Not like it is with Luke. Luke has the power and ability to crush me with a single blow, leaving nothing but devastation and destruction behind, and I’m just not sure I’m capable of living through that kind of hurt.
“You know that not every man is your father, right? I know you know it, but do you believe it? There are some wonderful men out there who know the meaning of monogamous. Not every man has to take his dick out of his pants and stick it in every available vagina like a charging station.”
“I know, and I do believe that. I’m just scared,” I reply, the last few words almost inaudible over the pounding of my heart and the blood rushing in my ears.
“Don’t be scared, sweetie. I know it’s hard to give someone that kind of power over you, but you have to have a little faith and trust in the other person. Otherwise, you’re just a lonely, scared human being, and you are neither lonely nor scared. You are fierce and loyal and a great friend.”
Cass’s words cause my heart to sputter and my eyes to well. I’ve never really had many friends. Not the real ones who you can call at any time of the day and cry on their shoulder. The ones that will show up with a shovel in the middle of the night and ask where you want the body buried. The ones that love you for you, not because of your last name. Cass is my friend, and before Luke reemerged in my life, she was my only friend.
I realize how lucky I truly am. I have two people who would do anything for me, risk everything in a heartbeat. One is sitting across from me, smiling a beautiful smile that gives me the courage and faith I need to take this next step in life with Luke. The other is bringing me dinner tonight and promises to snuggle on the couch. Who would have thought? Luke Thomas is a snuggler.
And maybe tonight I can talk him into another one of those amazing backrubs.
Chapter Sixteen – Peanuts and Candy Corn
Luke
“Everything is going well at Hunter Enterprises. Reid called this morning to let me know that the property will be operational by year’s end. We’ll be ready to begin the security phase by the end of October so we’ll be able to get all systems in place and active by our targeted start,” Blake says as he wraps up our Monday morning staff meeting.
All eyes are focused on my older brother as he tells them what this job will entail. It’s an expansion project for one of Reid’s investments, and while he may be silently behind the deal, Reid is very particular when it comes to security. That’s where we come in.
“That’s it for this week. Keep us posted on everything else,” Blake says, dismissing the handful of managers we have in place to oversee our security contracts and employees.
It’s just Blake and I left in the conference room when the door shuts. “This is for you,” he says, sliding a folder across the table at me.
“What this?” I ask as I open the file. He doesn’t say anything, just lets me review the material he’s presented.
A thick packet of paper stares up at me. Final Will and Testament. Sidney’s father’s name jumps out at me right away, as well as a few other names I’m familiar with. Penny, Jacobi, Mick, and Sidney. I almost forgot I asked my brother’s opinion about the weird things Sidney said to me a few weeks ago.
“What am I looking at exactly?”
“Rogen’s will with details about the house, condo, substantial trust information, and yes, The Diamond.”
“Did you find anything?” I ask, combing through page after page of legal jargon in hope that something jumps out at me. What? I don’t have a fucking clue.
“A few things caught my eye, but I went ahead and sent it over to Scott Dixon over at Hunter and asked him to look through it. He promised to get back to me by week’s end.”
“Okay. What is it that you see?” I ask, staring across at the same green eyes that greet me in the mirror every morning.
“Some questionable amendments to the original document.”
“Questionable?” I ask, watching Blake’s body language. He’s better at it than I am, but I can still spot things like nervousness and lies a mile away.
“Let’s just say that a few things don’t add up. I want to wait until Scott looks it over and see what he thinks.”
“This is my copy?” I ask, stuffing the documents back inside the folder.
“That’s yours.”
“Thanks.” This is the part where I should get up and go back to my office, but instead, I find myself rooted to my seat. “I’m taking the afternoon off today,” I add.
“Fine.”
“I have an appointment.”
“Okay.”
I squirm in my seat just a little. I can feel tiny beads of sweat on my upper lip and across my hairline, but I refuse to wipe them away. Instead, we sit in silence, a battle of wills raging as we wait for one of us to speak.
“What’s up?” Blake asks, astute as always.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Always.”
“It doesn’t leave this room.”
“It pisses me off that you have to note that,” Blake says, his eyes fierce even though his body language is relaxed and calm.
“It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s just that I’m having a hard time thinking about this, let alone saying the words out loud.”
Blake doesn’t talk, just waits. There have rarely been problems in my life that I couldn’t talk to my big brother about. Except for the night of my high school graduation, Blake and I don’t keep secrets. In our former line of work, secrets would have meant the difference between life or death, but now, we’re just that close–as brothers and as business partners.
“When you found out about Natalia, what was your first reaction? Not the shit-eating grin, over-the-moon excited crap that I got when you told me, but that very first feeling.” My heart is hammering through my chest and my body is tight with tension as I wait for his reply. He’s gazing at me intently; his eyes penetrating me as if he’s reading me like a book. And, shit, maybe he is. Blake was a damn good FBI agent for a reason.
“I was scared shitless,” he states blatantly. “In fact, I’m sure I had never been so scared in my life.”
“Really?” I ask, that one word practically getting caught in my dry throat.
“Fuck, yes. I had just run into Carly for the first time after more than two years. I was trying not to mess it up with her when a baby cried out. I followed her into another room and came face-to-face with the most beautiful little girl in the world. I was terrified, because I knew. I fucking knew that she was my daughter even before Carly confirmed it. My entire life changed in the blink of an eye and I was helpless and scared. I swear to God, in that moment, I couldn’t even breathe, not until I held Nat in my arms for the first time. Then everything was just…right.”
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I look over at my big brother and practically relive the rollercoaster he endured during that time of his life. His job forced him to lie to her, yet he couldn’t walk away–not from her or the job. When I think back to how close he truly came to losing it all, it causes my palms to sweat. He not only almost lost Carly and Natalia, but could have lost his life.
Images of Sidney assault my mind. The thought of losing her now almost seems unbearable. Even without the news of the baby, I’m not sure I’d be able to walk away. Not after finally having her in my life again. She has quickly burrowed into my chest and refuses to leave. And now with the baby? Fuck. There’s no way I’m going anywhere. As terrifying as it is, and believe me, I’m scared as fuck, I’m going to be by her side and a father to our baby.
“What’s going on in your head? You look like you’re waging your own mental war right now.” Blake has yet to even move a muscle from his casual position in the chair. He’s laid back to the eye, but I know differently. He’s observing and taking in every twitch, every muscle movement, every tic of my eyes.
“Sidney’s pregnant,” I state before I can even think about how we agreed to not tell anyone yet. The need to say those words–aloud–to my brother outweighs my desire to keep a lid on the secret. Honestly, it’s actually a welcomed relief.
Blake sits up straight, his relaxed posture and casual stance a thing of the past. “And you are…”
“Excited,” I tell him first and foremost. “And scared shitless. Like terrified beyond my wildest dreams.”
My brother smiles at me across the table. “That’s probably the most natural reaction ever, man. And congratulations. I’m just glad my little brother actually knows what that dangling thing between his legs is used for.”
And just like that, we’re right back to teasing. “Oh, believe me, brother. I’ve never left a lady unsatisfied when it comes to the massive weapon dangling between my legs.”
“Here we go.”
“Seriously, you only wish you had a dick as big as mine. I’m surprised you’re puny little wiener was even able to knock up your wife once, let alone twice,” I retort, Blake’s eyes ablaze with laughter as he smiles back at me.
“Actually, his wiener isn’t that puny, Luke. It’s actually quite large. And thick. And nice. And if you’ll leave us alone for about ten minutes, I’d like to see what other adjectives I can come up with while having a hands-on, eye-to-penis view of said wiener.” My face flames as I wonder how in the hell I didn’t hear the door open behind me, nor my sister-in-law enter the conference room.
“Time to go, little brother,” Blake says, jumping up and giving me a shit-eating grin.
“You’re not screwing on our conference room table. It’s bad enough your office always smells like sex, but I draw the line at ass prints on the polished wood.”
“I’d like to polish your wood,” Carly mumbles to Blake loud enough for me to hear.
“Get a room,” I retort as I gather up my folders.
“We have one. You just need to leave it,” Blake says moments before cramming his tongue down his wife’s throat.
Before I can get out the door, Carly’s voice floats to the doorway. “Why were you two comparing the size of your junk?”
I turn around and catch Blake’s eye. His eyebrow rises, as if letting me know he won’t say anything if I don’t want him to. “Actually, I found out that I’m going to be a dad,” I tell my sister-in-law.
“What? Oh my gosh! That’s so exciting! Congratulations,” she says with tears in her eyes. Blake reaches around and runs both hands down her swollen belly.
“Thank you.” I can’t hide the smile that crosses my face. “You caught the tail end of a little joshing.”
“So this might sound insensitive or stupid, and I apologize, but is the baby with Sidney?”
“It is,” I tell her, slightly embarrassed that she’d even have to ask. But she also knows my past behavior with women so I do understand.
“Good. I’ve heard a few stories about her from this guy from when you were growing up,” she says, pointing over her shoulder to her husband. “She sounds great. I want to meet her.”
“We’re actually going to the doctor this afternoon. You guys are the only people that know, so keep it on the down-low until we’re ready.”
“We won’t say a word,” Blake reminds me, kissing Carly on the cheek as if to punctuate the words.
“I won’t say anything. I can keep a secret.” She looks over her shoulder back at my brother. “What? I can!” Turning back to me she says, “Wait, so Mama Bear doesn’t know yet?”
“Not yet. In fact, Sidney hasn’t even seen her since she’s been back in town. Mom is still trying to push on me whatever friend’s daughter that she can. It’s like she’s completely ignoring the fact that Sidney exists.”
“I know! What about dinner at our place Sunday? We can catch her off guard. Level the playing field a little. Take the meeting off her home turf and onto ours. It’s perfect.” The gleam in her eyes makes me smile in return.
“I love the way your evil, twisted mind works,” I tell her.
“She’s brilliant. Let’s do it. If you guys decide to tell them, you can. If not, we’ll have Nat there to act like a buffer between Mom and Sidney.”
“I’ll run it by Sid this afternoon and get back to you tonight. It might work out perfectly because Jacobi has a birthday party for a classmate, so he’s going back home early.”
“Sounds good. Now go so I can fornicate with my very hot wife on our conference room table.”
They don’t need to tell me twice. I’m out the door as quick as can be, but unfortunately, not quick enough to miss the sound of their tongues wrestling and a zipper lowering. I’m down the hall so fucking fast I’m surprised the carpet doesn’t catch fire beneath my feet. I head straight out the door and away from my brother who’s doing something I’m trying hard not to visualize.
When I reach my truck, I decide that it’s close enough to lunchtime, so I shoot her off a quick text. Sid took today off since she worked an event this weekend. Steering my car towards her condo, I turn up the music and try to relax. My mind keeps reminding me of our looming appointment this afternoon. In less than three hours, we’ll be at the doctor’s office. We’ll have the confirmation we don’t really need. We already know. We’re having a baby.
Suddenly, relaxing feels like the hardest thing ever.
* * *
“Sidney Rogen,” a short, older nurse says from the doorway.
Her hand has been clamped onto mine since we arrived at the doctor’s office twenty minutes ago. Her nerves are practically radiating through her pores as her legs bounce up and down. Her anxieties are fueling my worries, though I try to keep a calm and collected front in place for her benefit.
We stand together and walk towards the doorway. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be back here, or even if she wants me to be, so I’m taking my cues from her. The fact that she’s gripping my hand as if it were a lifeline tells me all I need to know. As long as she wants me here, I’ll be by her side.
“Step on the scale, Sidney,” the nurse instructs as we step inside a little alcove in the hallway. She lets go of my hand for the first time and steps on the scale. I quickly turn around and avert my attention. I know how finicky women are about their weight.
“We’re going to take a quick check of your blood pressure and then I’ll have you collect a urine sample.” I turn around, careful not to look at the scale, and watch as her blood pressure is taken.
“All good. Here’s a cup. The bathroom is across the hall. Bring it to me when you’re done. Dad, you can wait in room seven.” It takes me a few moments to register that she actually spoke to me. She called me Dad, which no one has ever called me before, so it took me a few extra seconds to realize who she was addressing.
The little room is a man’s worst nightmare. Diagrams of vaginas with babies bursting from them cover t
he majority of the walls. It’s like a scene from “Aliens” in here, and I can’t help but look. Like that couple that’s having a massive fight in public. You try not to look or pay any attention, but the more you try to avoid it, the more you need to know and have to see what the fuck is going on.
Don’t look at the little alien ripping through the once glorious little sweet spot. The one place I’ve always found joy and loved burying my dick inside of now looks like it’s stretched big enough to pass a watermelon. Holy hell, this is what she has to endure? And am I that asshole who wonders how in the hell it’ll ever go back to being the tight little pussy it once was before a baby clawed through it and ripped it apart?
Yes. Yes, I am that asshole.
Obviously, it must go back. Somewhat. Otherwise no man would ever enjoy it enough to make baby number two. I’ve heard vaginas are tough, but they must be made of some elastic shit that bounces back after being stretched out enough for a baby to pass.
And I’m not a little man. I’m sure my baby isn’t going to be small. Sidney’s going to push a linebacker through my favorite place in the world and I’m never going to be able to have sex again. Ever.
The door opens just as I drop in the chair. Sidney’s there, taking in my labored breathing and sweating skin. “Are you all right?”
“Your vagina’s going to push out a person and I’m never going to not think about that. I’ll never get hard again.”
She drops into the chair beside me and fights a grin. I’m having a heart attack and she’s laughing. Great.
“Luke, I’m well aware of how the baby is going to come out. Why do you think you’ll never get hard again?”
“Look at this woman,” I say, jumping up and pointing to a diagram on the wall. “She’s laying there all casual, like she doesn’t have a care in the world, while she’s pushing a ten pound turkey from her crotch. Where’s all the screaming and the grunting and the yelling and the you’re a bastard and are never getting laid again for doing this to me attitude? They’re trying to show you everything’s going to be okay, but you know what, Sidney? Everything is most certainly not going to be okay.”