That night I lay in bed and thought about Abigail and about Jane and I shake my head at how sneaky the universe was. Jane looked like she was going to be a tough cookie to crack and frankly I wasn’t in the mood to convince someone to love me again. I laid Abigail and Jane to rest that night and decided to focus my thought on the task at hand.
Chapter Two
I couldn’t as much as I wanted to; I couldn’t stop myself from falling head over heels in love with her. Jane Brewster was my dream come true, but I could never tell her. She avoided me like the plague and only talked to me when she had too and that was the worse thing for me to ever deal with. Loving her and not being able to love her. It was worse than being in love with Abigail. With her I knew why I couldn’t love her she loved women but with Jane I didn’t know. It was torture really. I knew she wasn’t gay, I would hear her and Adele talking about dates she went on and how awful or nice the guys were, so I knew that was not the reason. Maybe it was like Adele says maybe I just wasn’t her type. That angered me a little, they way I listened to it she was going out with a couple of guys pretty worse than me so why doesn’t she give me chance. Should I ask her? Maybe I should ask Adele. I mean it looked like they had become really good friends and Adele was much happier now. Jane also to our utmost ecstatic-ness hated Cole. She treated him like he was just another man. He tried being nice but she would wash him off like he was last nights diner. It was very entertaining to watch sometimes. I think he might be a little afraid of her too. It makes me smile thinking about it. She was what Adele needed, she had become more than just a nanny to Adele they had become friends and a lot like sisters. She was what I needed too, but how do I get close to her. “Goodbye guys see you tomorrow” I hear her shouting down the hall as she gets ready to leave. Adele comes walking down the hall pass my room and smiles at me and continues walking. “See you tomorrow” She says to Jane and I hear the door close. I get up from behind my laptop and start walking to the kitchen. Adele is busing stirring the food and places the lid back onto the pot. She looks up as I enter and smiles. “Don’t you just love Jane? It’s like she’s the sister I never had… No offence bro” She says and laughs. I smile at her too. “And Ethan loves her!” Adele continues and then she sighs. She placed her hand on her growing stomach and looks at me. Five months now I think. “I don’t think she really likes me that much” I start knowing that his will start the conversation and I can start thinking about how I was going to go about this. “Who…” Adele seems oblivious. “Jane” I say frowning thinking that she would’ve known who I was talking about. “What gives you that idea?” Adele asks clearly confused which leaves me confused. What make me think that she didn’t like me? “I don’t know… I mean she barely talks to me.” I say and feel like a tattletale who is complaining to his mother. “Really… Well I don’t see you talking to her either…” Adele says and looks at me accusingly. “I would say that it seems more like you’re the one who doesn’t like her” She says and points her finger at me. Me? I love her… Wait how can I love her when I haven’t really spent time with her? “You like her!” It’s like an epiphany awaking in Adele’s subconscious. Adele starts laughing so hard it makes me feel utterly stupid. “You like Jane!” She screams and laughs so hard I widen my eyes at her. She puts her hand to her mouth to still the sound. “Ok Ok…Stop. Is it that absurd?” I ask feeling hurt and humiliated. Adele smiles at me. “No… Of course not; I’m just shocked really. I didn’t see it coming… Well I guess with your history with her sister… Is it because she reminds you of her sister?” Adele asks and looks at me questioning and I’m blown away again. Could that be why I have fallen in love with her so easily? I don’t really know. “I don’t know… I don’t think so” I say and Adele stands looking at me and sighs. “If that is the reason then I will advise you to not act on what you are feeling.” Adele says and I can see that she was very serious about what she was saying right now. I don’t understand what it all means. “Jane is never going to be her sister and if you are going to put her on that scale then she is better off alone. You’re only going to hurt her and yourself if this doesn’t work out the way you are hoping it would.” Adele says and I’m hurt. Why would I hurt Jane? Or is it Abigail I’m thinking about. Oh God she was right I’m confused. “Just find someone else okay… I like Jane and I’m not going to loose her because of this.” Adele says and walks out of the room to the study. There I stand completely broken and alone. She was right I was going to put her on a scale right next to Abigail a woman I also barely knew and completely out of reach because of her sexual preferences. I slept that night and had terrible dreams about the war and deaths and famine. It woke me early the next morning and I decided to start working.
The book was almost done and I just needed to finalize the final chapters but I couldn’t decide what to close with. “Hey you’re up early…” I hear Adele speaking behind me from the study door. I turn to look at her and see that she is dressed up and on her way. I look at the clock on the desk and see that it’s after seven in the morning. “Where are you headed?” I ask and she comes walking in. “I have a meeting in Cape Town and need to leave early. Jane will be here around eight…” She says and looks at me worriedly. I look at her questioning. “What?” I ask and sit back in the chair. “Are you going to be okay being with her here alone?” She asks and I feel annoyed. I shake my head and bend over my laptop again avoiding her face. “Adam…” I feel angry now and clench my teeth. “Yes Adele… I will be okay with Jane alone… I’m not some kind of psychopath pervert who is going to fucking attack her. I won’t go near her okay” I’m hurt and can’t hide it. Adele looks at me shocked. She doesn’t say anything in return just turns and walks away. I feel like shit for snapping at her, but I knew what she was talking about and she was right. I wasn’t sure what my attraction was towards her really and right now I couldn’t act on that feelings either. “Well I’m off… See you later” I hear Adele talking from the door again and I look up. “See you later” I say back to her and she leaves.
A couple of minutes later I hear the front door open and I sigh. I feel annoyed and angry. I get up from the chair and walk over to the study and close the door. I wasn’t in the mood to see anyone today. Maybe I should go out and take some photos. Yes I will do that. I head over to my laptop and finish up what I was busy with and a couple of minutes later I get up and start walking towards the door. I walk out and down the hall to my room. I hear her in Ethan’s room talking to him they were laughing. He was crazy about her. I walk into my room and sit down on the bed. There was nothing I could do about what I was feeling. I wanted Jane, badly. I got up and decided to take a shower got dressed and got all my things together. As I was heading down the hall back to the study I see them coming down the stairs and she looks down at me and smiles. Oh God! This was torture. I look at her and nothing on my face works. Ethan calls out me and I grab him as he leaps out of her arms. “Good morning” She says and I look at her for a while. “Good morning” I finally manage to say and we continue walking towards the kitchen. Once there, I put Ethan down and walk to the study to pack up my laptop and camera. “Would you like some coffee before you go?” I hear her shouting to me from the kitchen and I hypnotized by her voice and the words coming out of her mouth. “Sure… Yes thank you” I shout back and close my eyes as I continue to get my things together. I grab my bag and camera and start walking back to the kitchen. She is now sitting at the kitchen table watching Ethan eat his breakfast in front of the TV. She looks up as I enter and smiles. I can’t! How am I going to do this? My heart is pounding hard in my chest and I feel my hand shaking as I lift the cup of coffee from the table. She looks at me and frowns. She places her hand on top of mine to still my arm and our eyes meet. She looks worried though and I feel stupid for being so weak. “Are you okay… Do you want me to make you something to eat? Are you lightheaded?” She asks and forces my hand with the cup of coffee back to the table and gets up quickly. I take a deep breath and close my
eyes. “No… I’m fine. Just a little…” I stutter and know that I should rather keep my mouth shut. “Just tired I’ve been up since five this morning…” I say and take the coffee again but this time with a much steadier hand and composer. I see her sitting down again. I take a sip from the coffee and savor the taste. She looks at me and I grow hot under her stare. “What are you busy with that have you up so early?” She asks and I know that I’m obligated to answers since she is looking right into my eyes. “It’s a book on the war… All the photos I’ve taken over the years I have compiled into a book and it’s almost done. Just struggle to put the last few pieces together” I say and she never takes her eyes off me as I speak to her. It makes me a little uncomfortable but I hold my own. “Have you always wanted to be a photographer?” She asks and crooks her neck to the side and narrows her eyes questioningly. I press my lips together and nod. “Pretty much yeah…” She smiles and takes a sip of her coffee. I feel obligated to ask her something about herself but I don’t know what; since there are so many things I want to know about her. “And you what are you studying?” I ask and take a seat opposite her at the table. She looks up and smiles. “Literature; I’m a writer and I love the English language so I do what I love. I learn” She says and I’m falling harder and harder. I smile at her and suddenly she presses her lips together and shakes her head. I frown and wonder what is going on her head. “What is it?” I ask and she clears her throat. “Why are you struggling?” She asks and I frown not sure what she is talking about. “The last pieces… What is missing?” She asks again and I feel like I’m on her page now. I sit up straight and think for a second. “I don’t know I just can’t find the right photos to end it all off with” I say and think about it for a second. “Maybe you haven’t taken them yet” She says and it’s like a breath of fresh air. It’s as if the heavens have opened up to me. She was right I couldn’t find the right photos because I haven’t taken them yet. I wanted the book to end on a note of hope and freedom from war and the evils of the world. “Thank you.” I say and get up from the chair and finish my coffee and get my things together. She looks at me smiling. “Sure…” She says and looks at me hard and pervasively. I smile at her and then I make my way out to leave. That day turned out to be the best day I’ve had in a long time. Inspiration captured me around every corner and I felt like my faith in this project in myself has been restored. I came home late that afternoon and Jane had already gone. I was a little disappointed since I wanted to show her the shots I had gotten that day. I wanted to share this with her so badly. “Hey…” Adele was sitting with Ethan in front of the TV and she looks over her shoulder and smiles at me. “How was your day?” Adele asks and our fight of this morning had been clearly forgotten. I feel guilty and ashamed for cursing at her. “It was great. How was your meeting?” I ask in return as I take off my jacket and hang it on the back of the chair at the kitchen table. “It went okay…”She says and gets up from beside Ethan. She comes walking towards me. “Listen about this morning with the whole Jane thing… I’m sorry for butting in. It’s really not my place to stand between you and what you want. I just don’t want either of you to get hurt. I love you Adam and I really just want you to be happy.” Adele says and I can see that she meant it. This must have been weighing on her mind all day. “I’m sorry too for going off at you this morning… But you were right… I have to be sure why I like her… And maybe I should get to know her first before I make any kind of move in a relationship direction” I say and Adele smiles at me. We hug for a while and I head to the study. I set everything up and start uploading all the photos to start sorting through it all. It was a very good day as I sit and look through the new photos. “Come let’s eat” Adele says as she stands in front of the desk and I get up and we retreat to the kitchen to have supper. I tell her about my day and how inspired I was and she looks a me suspiciously. “So where did this new found inspiration come from… You have been such a Debbie Downer lately I swear I was on the verge of kicking you out” Adele says and smiles at me. I don’t know if I should tell her. What if she freaks out? “I talked to Jane about it… Or at least she asked me what I was busy with and I told. Then she gave me a some advise or rather some direction” I say and Adele smiles at me with an impressive look on her face. “Progress… That is good” She says as she stuffs another fork of food in her mouth. She smiles at me and we continue eating talking about our days. I decided to get an early night since I had not rested well the night before. My heart feels at ease for some reason I can’t really explain. I’m up again early and start working on the photos again. I can’t decide what to use and feel that everything is so good. I need another opinion. Should I ask her? I get up from behind the desk and walk to the kitchen. I look around and find her on the couch sleeping with Ethan in her arms. Adele had a doctor’s appointment and the house was completely quiet. I can’t find it in me to wake her up. I stand looking at her for a while. She was beautiful. I turn to walk away when she moves and opens her eyes. I’m frozen. Shit! “I didn’t mean to wake you” I whisper to her and she shakes her head. “No you didn’t wake me my arm is dead from his little head” She says and slowly starts lifting her arm out from underneath Ethan’s head. He is sound a sleep and barely feels her moving. She looks at me face traced with sleep and I feel like pulling her up to me and kiss her sleepy mouth and savoring her tongue. I smile and feel myself moving in my pants. I turn to walk away when she gets up and follows me. “I’m so hungry now… Do you want something to eat” She asks and I feel awkward. I check my pants but nothing is showing but I feel it being semi-hard still. “Sure…” I say and walk quickly back to the study. She barely notices me being gone and I’m relieved to be out under her stare. I gather myself in front of the desk when she comes in holding two cups of coffee. She walks up to me and hands me a cup. I take it quickly and she looks around the study. “Wow… This is amazing” She says and walks around to all the boards I have exhibited around the room showing all the different areas I wanted to showcase in the book. She looks absolutely in awe. She looks at all the photos attentively and I wonder what she must be thinking. She lingers on at some and others she passes too quickly for my liking. Then she stops I feel my heart drop. I walk up to where she is standing and I see her looking at the photo of Abigail. I feel like an idiot all over again. She looks up at me and smiles. “You loved her” She says and I don’t know what to say. I wanted to shout out her that I lover her now. “I did… She saved my life” I say and she smiles again. “She was an amazing sister and an amazing human being” Jane says and then she moves on to the next board. I follower her she don’t say anything but I can see her mind is running away with her. “What are you thinking” I finally asking. I can’t take the scrutiny in her eyes any more. “I don’t know… I don’t completely understand what it is you’re trying to show… I mean I get that it’s the war and all but some of these photos just… uhm… feel out of place. Like I would take this one and put it… Here” She says and swaps two of the photos around. I stand looking at those new images in front of me and it looks perfect now. “I mean I don’t want to impose on your work… God! I’m such a control freak…” She says and reprimands herself and I laugh. “No no… Please be my guest. It felt a bit off to me too” I say trying to set her heart at ease. She smiles brightly at me like I had given her the keys to my castle. We spend the rest of the time while Ethan was a sleep going over the already completely boards. Some we left the way it was and other she basically ripped to threads but what we compiled together after that was beautiful. Even though this was some of the most gruesome photos anyone could have laid eyes on, it was as if Jane understood every single one of them and she understood me. Finally we see Ethan come walking into the room and Jane picks him up. I feel jealous at the affections the little boy gets from her instantly. I wanted all her attention. I smile at him and he whispers to her that his hungry. “Shoot I completely forgot to make our sandwiches too” she says and smiles brightly at me. I fee
l love-stoned. She runs with Ethan on her hip to the kitchen and I hear him laugh. I can just imagine how she would love our children one day. Hold up Adam! What? Children? Don’t get ahead of yourself again. I shake my head and laugh. I grab the two empty cups off the desk and walk to the kitchen as she starts preparing the food. We hear a car stop and I look at the watch it must be Adele. Yes I hear her hello echoing down the hall to us and we greet her all with smiles. She looks at us suspiciously and smiles back. “What is going on here?” She asks and kisses Ethan on the forehead and looks at me questioning but Jane is quick to answer. “Oh were just making lunch. I got completely side tracked from helping Adam with his book… Wow you have to see it Adele… it quite something else” Jane is talking and preparing all at the same time and Adele looks up at me shocked. “Don’t worry Ethan was asleep so she wasn’t being a bad nanny for helping me” I cut in quickly and Adele smiles. “Well its only special people I hear who gets to look at his work” Adele teases and Jane looks at her questioning and then I see her blushing. “Oh… Well… I was really imposing… It’s not like he asked…” Jane is trying to make an excuse for her helping me and I laugh. “You don’t have to explain anything to her… She is right… I only allow people to see my work who I think understand or at least tries to understand what it is I do” I say and Adele looks at me shocked. “And you think I don’t? I’m appalled Adam… To think you would say such a thing” Adele is being dramatic and Jane starts to laugh. We continued having lunch and it felt amazing. I saw a side to Jane that enticed me even more. I couldn’t believe the amazing human being she was. Completely different to Abigail and her laugh… oh her laugh gave me chills. She even started to look different to Abigail. More full of life and love. Abigail had lost her heart amongst all the dead bodies in the war zones she patrolled. Before we knew it the day was over and Jane had to leave. I felt sad and despondent. I wanted to spend more time with her, but I knew it would be pushing it. She left that night and I was taken by her. Not by Abigail but by Jane. “That was such a nice day… Don’t you think” I hear Adele talking behind me as I walk to the lounge to sit in front of the TV. I couldn’t remember the last time I sat and watched the evil box. “It was…” say as I flick through the channels. Adele comes and sits beside me and smiles like a naughty school girl. “So when are you going to ask her out?” She says and I’m red from shock and shame. “What… Are you crazy…? Its way to soon don’t you think” I ask say in the same breath. Adele looks at me and smiles. “She likes you… I can see it in the way she looks at you when you speak. She actually listens to you” Adele says and gets off the couch with her big stomach and walks to the kitchen and pours herself some more juice. “But I have to warn you… She is not like some of these regular girls…” Adele says as she comes walking back to me. I frown and wonder what it is she could be on about now. “She is still a virgin.” I nearly choked on the juice and can’t believe my ears as the words come out of Adele’s mouth. “Not because she is saving herself for marriage or anything like that… She says she just hasn’t met the right guy yet… Something about her having to want him more then he wants her. She goes on dates but nothing seems to work for her… It turns her off when all she sees is sex in their eyes…none of her dates ever materialize into something more than sex. She doesn’t want to just be there because someone wants to have sex with her… She wants more… Personally I think the girl is crazy, but she seems content. She knows what she wants and it’s not a man who only wants to get in her pants.” Adele says and takes another sip. Oh God how was I going to come pass something like that. I feel completely lost. I can only look at her and my dick would get semi hard how I was ever going to stand strong through her test or whatever it is she does. I went to sleep that night all I could think about was Jane.
Loving Annabelle Page 3