“Of course.”
“Night, Jenna.”
“Sleep well, J.D.”
“I will if I dream. God, I hope I dream.”
“I hope so, too.” He needed Kimie more than he needed her. Jenna couldn’t compete with that. Nor was she going to try.
* * *
After hauling her luggage into the house, Jenna confided in Doc and Tammy, who were in the kitchen, where Tammy was baking a boysenberry pie.
Both were genuinely concerned and felt badly that J.D.’s memories had triggered such tragic news. Doc said that he would visit J.D. in the morning, and Tammy gave Jenna a sweet hug.
Later, Jenna talked to Donna. They sat on Jenna’s bed in their pajamas, with plates of the leftover pie between them.
“This must be the worst night of your life,” Donna said.
“It was a good day until I got home and found out about J.D. I think it’s nice that Dad loved Savannah.”
“And married Mom on the rebound? What’s nice about that?”
“That part upset me, too. But I could tell that Dad had never meant to hurt Mom. And now that I feel about J.D. the way I do, I understand how conflicted Dad was.”
“Love isn’t an excuse to behave badly.”
“No it isn’t, but when you’re caught up in it, you do things you wouldn’t normally do. Who knows? Maybe I’ll end up marrying someone on the rebound, too. I mean, honestly, Donna, how am I ever going to love someone the way I love J.D.? It seems impossible to love another man with the same intensity that I feel for him.”
“Why do you have to get married at all? What’s wrong with staying single?”
Laden with loneliness, Jenna sighed. She’d never told Donna about her list, and now wasn’t the time, especially since she couldn’t imagine anyone except J.D. fitting the bill. “How am I going to have children if I don’t get married?”
“You don’t have to be married to have kids. Single women can adopt these days or use a surrogate or go to a sperm bank.”
“I know, but I can’t picture myself in the role of being a single mom. And none of those methods sounds appealing to me. I want a family the traditional way.”
“Then I hope you get what you want someday. I hate seeing you hurt.”
“At least I squared things with Dad. He wants you to forgive him, too.”
Donna shook her head. “I can’t deal with Dad’s issues right now.”
“He’s going to make amends with Uncle William. He’s going to call him and apologize.”
“Really?” Donna arched a delicate brow. “And whose idea what that? Yours or his?”
“I suggested it, but he agreed fairly easily. We made a pact—I would tell J.D. that I loved him, and he would apologize to William.”
“You’re not keeping your end of the bargain.”
“How can I, knowing what I know about his past?”
“You can’t, I guess. But it seems sad for you to keep it a secret. It doesn’t seem right for him to stop living, either.”
“That’s what I told him. Maybe if he has a dream about Kimie, he’ll realize that.”
“An angel dream?”
“I hadn’t thought about it that way. But yes, I suppose so. Kimie would be his angel if she appears to him in a dream.”
Donna reached for her hand. “I hope it happens the way you want it to.”
The sisterly solace was much needed. Both of them went silent for a while, even after their fingers drifted apart and Jenna managed to stave off her tears, as she’d been doing for most of the night. Donna truly cared, and it truly mattered.
Jenna caught her breath and said, “What I want is for him to love me and want to be with me. Dad said that he couldn’t imagine J.D. not being in love with me.”
“Dad isn’t the authority on love, but I agree, I can’t imagine J.D not loving you.”
“Thank you. But I actually think Dad is an authority. The way he talked about Savannah. About the way both of them felt about each other.”
But it wasn’t a comforting thought, considering how their father’s life had turned out, and Jenna could only pray that she wasn’t destined to follow in his shaky footsteps.
Chapter Fourteen
In the morning, all Jenna could do was think about J.D. and how he was faring. But she wasn’t going to go down to the cabin until Doc returned, and Doc was there now.
She looked across the breakfast table at Tammy. Her cousin had fixed the meal—pancakes—and they were waiting together.
Jenna took small bites, trying not to heighten the tightness in her stomach. Earlier she’d questioned Tammy about the preparation of the food. Not because this was the time to continue her cooking lessons, but because she was trying to keep her mind engaged. The batters for pancakes and waffles, she’d learned, were similar but not the same. Traditionally waffle batter was made with egg yolks and the whites were whipped separately and folded in just before cooking. It sounded complicated to her, but at the moment, everything was complicated.
“How are you holding up?” Tammy asked.
“Not well. I—”
The sound of footsteps interrupted their conversation. Doc entered the kitchen, and Jenna nearly knocked over her juice, catching the glass before it fell.
“Did J.D. dream last night?” she blurted, asking him the first thing that popped into her head.
“No, he didn’t,” Doc replied. “I suggested grief counseling, but he refuses. As you’re aware, he was already struggling with this, drifting around aimlessly. But the amnesia has only made things worse.”
Jenna understood. Now that J.D. was remembering the details of his wife’s death, he was reliving the horror all over again. “I wish he would listen to you and see a grief counselor.”
“Maybe you can talk him into it.”
“I’ll try.” She left the table and her pancakes half eaten, but she knew that Tammy didn’t mind.
When she arrived at the cabin, J.D. was sitting on one of the mismatched porch chairs, with shadows beneath his eyes. Obviously he’d had a restless night. She’d tossed and turned, too.
“Doc was just here,” he said.
“I know. I spoke to him. Why don’t you want to get grief counseling?”
“It won’t do any good.”
“How do you know it won’t?”
“Counseling won’t bring Kimie back.” He frowned into the sun. “Why didn’t I dream about her last night? Why didn’t she appear to me? I wanted her to, so damned badly.”
She wasn’t able to answer his questions. “When I told Donna what you were hoping for, she called it an angel dream.”
“That’s nice. I like that.”
“I think so, too.” She sat beside him. “And there’s still time to dream about her. You can stay at the cabin for as long as you need to.”
“What if it doesn’t happen?”
“Don’t lose hope.”
“My hope ended on the day she died. Besides, who am I trying to kid? How is a dream going to help? Even if she came to see me, she would only disappear again.”
She didn’t know what to say to comfort him. She wasn’t able to comfort herself, either.
He left his chair, and the timeworn planks that made up the porch creaked beneath his feet. He stood beside the chipped wood rail, with the Flying B as his backdrop.
Jenna stayed seated and studied him. He was dressed in his original clothes, the jeans and shirt he’d been wearing on the afternoon she’d found him stumbling along the road. His hair was tousled, too, most likely from running his hands through it, also mirroring how he’d looked that day. She’d been attracted to him from the start, but she’d never imagined falling in love with him. Nor could she have predicted what his memories would unveil.
He said, “I called Deputy Tobbs earlier, before Doc came to see me. Now that the police know who I am, they’re going to run a search on my stolen credit cards, my cell phone, my vehicle and everything else that might lead them to the carjackers. In the meantime, I need to apply for a temporary license and replacement credit cards. After I get my new ID, I can go to the bank and withdraw the money I owe you. I’m going to get a new cell, too, and buy a used truck.”
“Did you contact your bank?”
He nodded. “My investment account is secure, like I assumed it would be.”
She couldn’t help but ask, “Did you tell Deputy Tobbs about your past? Did you tell him about Kimie?”
“Yes, and he said that he was sorry. That’s what people always say.”
“Because they are sorry.”
“I know. But to me, they’ve become empty words. I’ve heard them more times than I could ever count.” He changed the subject. “I’m still interested in hearing about your meeting with your dad. Will you tell me about it now?”
“Yes, of course.” She relayed the details to him.
“Your Dad and Savannah were in love? None of us saw that coming.”
“No, we didn’t, and neither did they. Neither of them expected to feel that way about each other.” She crossed her arms over her chest, hugging herself in a protective manner. Then she asked, “When did you know that you loved Kimie?”
“I don’t recall the exact moment. But it happened easily.” He frowned. “Everything came easily to me then. I lived a charmed life. Supportive parents, a thriving horse farm, a great girlfriend that I was looking forward to marrying.”
Jenna kept questioning him, her curiosity too intense to ignore. “How did you propose?”
“The usual way, I guess. I bought a ring, took her out to dinner and popped the question.” He smiled a little. “I wasn’t nervous because I knew she would say yes.”
“Where was the wedding?”
“On the farm.” He gazed out at the Flying B. “This would be a nice place for a wedding, too.”
Her throat went dry. She could imagine marrying him here. “Donna is working on making it into a wedding location. She’s designing a garden with a gazebo for those types of events.”
He kept gazing at the ranch. “That sounds pretty.”
“It will be.”
He turned to look at her. “When I’m gone, I’m going to envision you in the gazebo with your groom by your side, taking the vows you’ve always wanted to take.”
Tears banked her eyes. “And how should I envision you, J.D., drifting from town to town, lonely and filled with despair? You should stay here. You should live on the Flying B and make this your home.”
“I can’t.”
“You could if you wanted to. Hugh would be glad to create a permanent position for you. You’re an asset to the ranch.”
“It would never work. Besides, it would be weird later when your husband is around.”
Her husband? A stranger who no longer mattered? Her resolve snapped. “You’re the man I want. You. Damn it, I love you, J.D.!” The crimson-hot admission flew out of her mouth so quickly, so violently, it could have been blood.
The image made her think of Kimie, and she flinched from the visual. His wife, dead on the convenience-store floor, soaked in red.
J.D. reacted just as badly. He gripped the railing behind him so tightly he was probably getting splinters from the wood. She waited for him to speak.
When he did, his expression was as taut as his hands. “Don’t love me. Please, don’t.”
“I didn’t mean for it to happen.”
“Oh, Jenna.” He returned to his seat. “You promised you wouldn’t get attached.” His tone was sad, not accusatory, but that only exaggerated her pain.
“I tried not to.”
He leaned forward and put his forehead against hers. Her pulse jumped like a rocket. His skin was incredibly warm, and he was close enough to kiss. She envied Kimie for how desperately he’d loved her. That made Jenna’s pain more pronounced, too. Envying a dead woman.
“You and I aren’t meant to be,” he told her, his breaths whispering across her face.
“I wish we were.”
“So do I. But I can’t be the man you need.”
He pulled back, leaving her bereft. She merely sat there, aware of how broken she must look—glassy-eyed, unblinking.
“I’m sorry,” he said, then scoffed at his own words. “Sorry. As if that helps, right?”
“Actually, it does. A little.” Unlike him, she longed to be consoled. Regardless, she got to her feet. She couldn’t remain on his porch, torturing herself with his presence. “We should probably keep our distance now.”
“I’ll try to get everything in order as soon as I can. Then I can leave, and you can try to forget that you were ever with me.”
She shook her head. “I’ll never forget, J.D.”
“Nor will I,” he replied as she walked away. “Never again.”
* * *
J.D. followed through. He got his license, his new truck, a cell phone and everything else as quickly as possible. And now, on the day he was leaving, he made a point of saying goodbye to everyone on the ranch. He’d spent the morning with the ranch hands, portions of the afternoon with Doc and Tammy, and now, as dusk neared, he prepared to see Jenna.
He knew she was in the barn, avoiding him and working her tail off. That was mostly what she’d been doing since she’d told him that she loved him.
He never should’ve started the affair with her. He had no right to mess with her feelings when his had been so damned jumbled. A man with amnesia wasn’t what Jenna needed. Of course a man with horrific memories wasn’t what she needed, either. He was no good for her, either way.
J.D. entered the barn and headed for the section of the stables that housed the school horses. When he saw her, he released a rough breath. She was cleaning the hooves of one of the new geldings. She looked intent on her task, too intent, too focused. She was well aware that this was the day he was leaving, with no plan to ever come back.
He waited until she finished with the hooves, then he said her name, softer than he should have. “Jenna.”
She glanced up, and their gazes met.
“J.D.” She spoke his name just as softly.
He moved closer, and she exited the gelding’s stall and met him in the breezeway.
“My truck is all packed,” he said.
“So this is it?”
“Yes.” The end. Their final farewell. “I don’t know where I’m going. I’m just going to drive and see where the road takes me.”
“It’s supposed to rain later. A quick summer storm.”
Somehow that seemed fitting. “I can handle the rain.”
“Just be careful.”
As their conversation faded, he looked around at the barn. They’d never crept out here on a moonlit night to make love. Heaven help him, he still had fantasies of Jenna with hay in her hair. He longed to kiss her goodbye, to feel her lips against his, but he refrained from suggesting it, knowing it would only make his departure more difficult.
Instead he said, “I never did have that dream. But it’s probably my own fault for not believing that it would matter, anyway. Or maybe Kimie is just too far away to connect with me.” He was beyond trying to figure anything out.
“Did you have any pictures of her in your truck? Did those get stolen, too?”
“I had a photograph in my wallet of the two of us together.” So far the police had yet to solve his case, and he doubted that even if his vehicle was recovered, his belongings would still be in it. “But I have more pictures of her. The rest of them are in my safe-deposit box, back in the town where we lived.”
She glan
ced at his hand. “Did you ever wear a wedding ring?”
“I did when she was alive.”
“What did you do with it after she died?”
“I buried it with her.”
“You buried everything with her—your heart, your soul, your life.”
“I know, but I can’t cope any other way.”
“I think she would want a happier existence for you.”
“I spent eleven years with Kimie, five as her boyfriend and six as her husband. Being happy without her isn’t in my realm of thinking.”
Yet, suddenly, he was worried about missing Jenna as badly as he’d been missing Kimie, and Jenna was still alive, standing right before him and willing to be his partner. But he wouldn’t be good for her, he reiterated. She deserved someone new and fresh, not someone damaged from the past.
She said, “You should get going before the rain starts.”
Yes, he should. But it wasn’t the rain that concerned him. He needed to get away from Jenna before the thought of losing her worsened. He didn’t have amnesia anymore, but he was as mixed-up as ever.
“Bye, Jenna.”
“Goodbye, J.D. Joel Daniel,” she added, using his birth name. “Strange, how I got your initials right.”
“You got everything right. It’s me that screwed things up.”
“That isn’t true. I’m the one who fell in love when I wasn’t supposed to.”
“People can’t help falling in love.” He took a chance and drew her into his arms, wrapping her in a hug that made him want to stay.
Jenna clutched his shoulders, holding him like a lifeline. Only he wasn’t her salvation. Someday, the right man would come along and fill her with joy.
He ended the embrace, and they gazed at each other in a blaze of pain.
He walked away. She didn’t follow him, and he didn’t glance back to see what she was doing. But he suspected that her eyes were rimmed with tears.
He strode swiftly to his truck, got behind the wheel and steered it in the direction of nowhere, realizing that he was in love with Jenna, too.
Yes, by God, he loved her. Still, he didn’t turn his vehicle around. He kept going.
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