by Anna Schmidt
Yet she’d agreed to stay with Kathy for a month.
Only because the money would enable her to complete her journey and arrive in Banff looking like more than a vagabond.
“What does it say?” Kathy demanded.
Derek handed the note to Uncle Mac, then turned and pinned Winnie into immobility with his dark eyes. “Seems we would be fortunate to have you work for us.”
She swallowed hard, unable to think how she should respond.
“Bear in mind it will be temporary. Only until Christmas, when the Faringtons will arrive.
“I understand, and it suits me fine.” This time she would not let herself care about any of them. She’d treat them kindly, of course. She could do no less.
Derek signaled to the others. “She’ll be coming home with us. Only until the Faringtons arrive,” he warned Kathy.
Disappointment filled Kathy’s eyes.
Winnie wished she could assure the child otherwise, but she couldn’t. She eyed Derek from under the cover of her eyelashes. Why didn’t he marry and provide a permanent arrangement for them all?
She pulled her chin in and faced ahead. Perhaps he had a wife already picked out. After all, he was an attractive man with appealing qualities, such as devotion to his family, readiness to defend and…
She sat up straighter and forced her thoughts into submission. It mattered not one way or another to her. She’d only be here until Christmas.
She ignored the sorrow and anger flooding her soul.
There was only one thing she had control over, and that was her spirit; and she had vowed a long time ago that she would not allow a root of bitterness to spring up.
On the way back, Winnie’s lungs felt stiff, as if they had forgotten their task was to take air in and out. What had she done? She’d promised herself not to get involved with another family, yet here she was, riding to the ranch with Uncle Mac at her side, Kathy and Derek in front of her. Kathy kept up a steady stream of chatter, but Uncle Mac was the only one who answered. For the life of her, Winnie couldn’t manage a sensible thought. Over and over she mentally chanted, it’s only to help Kathy. Nothing more. There’s nothing for me here. Nothing at all. She almost succeeded in not allowing herself to study Derek’s back. Ramrod straight. A rock to his family.
Back at the house, Derek let them off. “Show her the housekeeper’s quarters. I’ll put the horses away.”
Uncle Mac led the way to the room off the kitchen behind the stove, Kathy bouncing along at his side. “I hope you’ll find it comfortable,” Uncle Mac said, as he put her bag on the bed.
Besides the bed that was big enough for a couple, the room held a dresser and a mirror. The window looked out toward the mountains. “I’m sure I shall.”
“We’ll give you time to get settled. Come on, Kit Kat.”
Kathy paused at the doorway. “I’m glad you’re going to stay.”
Winnie pushed aside her doubts and smiled at Kathy. “Thank you.”
A few minutes later she returned to the kitchen and took over her temporary duties.
Soup simmered on the stove as Derek stepped indoors. Their gazes locked across the room, hers wary, his more than a little annoyed, as if he resented that he had been forced to ask her to stay. She narrowed her eyes. She’d agreed only for Kathy’s sake.
But a frisson of tension hovered about her as she served the meal and later cleaned the kitchen. She felt Derek’s presence, his watchfulness, even when he wasn’t watching her.
To escape the uneasiness she went to her room early.
Three days later she had settled into a routine after a serious talk with herself. This house had everything she wanted and nothing she could have. She had only to accept the fact. Life became easier once she did.
Kathy had returned to school. Derek spent much of his time outside, likely in the barn. Either because of work or to avoid Winnie. Uncle Mac had long naps, then joined Derek. Mornings and evenings were easiest with Kathy present.
Except for one thing. Kathy did not go to sleep easily.
Tonight she cried in Derek’s arms as he rocked her, trying to soothe her.
She finally fell asleep, remnants of her sobs shuddering through her. Derek rocked her a few more minutes, then eased from the chair and tiptoed into her bedroom.
Winnie turned from the window where she’d tried to take her thoughts to the silvery moonlight in hopes of ignoring Kathy’s distress. She plunked to a chair and let her head fall forward. Her intention had been so simple three days ago—a month of keeping house, seeing Kathy to school and making meals. Nothing more. No emotional connection.
But life never turned out exactly as she planned.
Bedtime was torture for Kathy. She couldn’t bear to be alone in the dark. A lamp didn’t help. After a few minutes of listening to her sobs, Derek went to her and spent upwards of an hour rocking her, assuring her he was right there and would always be.
Trouble was, all of them knew he couldn’t promise forever.
Life was too uncertain.
Winnie had learned that truth at a young age. So had Kathy.
Going to school was equally painful. “How do I know you won’t all be gone when I get back?” Tears streamed down Kathy’s face.
Winnie had stood aside and let Derek and Uncle Mac deal with Kathy. After all, they were family. They would be here long after Winnie left.
But neither of the men seemed to know how to calm her fears, and the strain on all of them was obvious.
When Kathy started crying tonight, Mac had mumbled something about seeing to the stock and then headed for the barn.
They all knew he was escaping Kathy’s distress.
Derek stepped back into the room, deep lines gouged around his mouth, dark misery in his eyes. She’d seen the same distress every bedtime and every morning when Kathy headed down the road to the little schoolhouse on the corner, Derek at her side.
She now knew enough to have a pot of tea ready when Kathy finally went to sleep.
She poured him a cup and edged the sugar bowl closer.
Derek spooned sugar into his tea. At the fourth spoonful, she knew he wasn’t aware of what he did and she pushed the bowl away. He stirred his tea. Round and round and round, the spoon tinkling on the china with a cheerless tolling.
“She’s been like this since the accident.”
Winnie nodded, though he didn’t look at her. “She told me her mama and a sister and brother died.”
“In a train wreck on their way out here.” His voice was harsh. “I was supposed to be with them, but I decided at the last minute to let them travel alone.”
She murmured a sound she hoped indicated she heard. If he needed to talk she would listen. She could do that much without getting involved with this family’s distress—without letting her emotions crawl up her throat and reach out to Derek.
Then she would go to Banff. A uniform. A job. A room. All she wanted or needed.
“I should have been with them.”
Shock jolted through her veins. Did he mean he wished he’d died? “Good thing you weren’t. Otherwise, who would take care of Kathy?”
“How can I hope to protect her? Life just happens.”
“Life is in God’s hands.”
He jerked up to face her. “I suppose your life has fit into neat little slots, so it’s easy for you to say that.”
She laughed. “Yes, that would explain why I was sleeping in your barn.”
He looked a little uncertain.
She couldn’t resist the urge to further upset his idea of how easy her life was. “I know more about how Kathy is feeling than you could ever believe.”
“Huh?”
He doubted her, did he? Well, she would soon enough convince him. “When I was seven, my parents gave me to my aunt and uncle and moved west with no forwarding address.”
He looked suitably shocked. Or was he perhaps disbelieving?
“My aunt and uncle were childless and my parents had seven c
hildren.”
“So you ended up in a better home?”
“One might think so, except my aunt then had two children.” After their own children arrived, her aunt and uncle had used Winnie as a servant. She’d moved to an attic room and ran errands from dawn to dusk. She’d done so willingly, eagerly, certain she would earn affection and approval. “My aunt died giving birth to a third who didn’t live.” Her security had died with her. “My uncle married a young neighborhood woman within a few months, and the new wife wanted nothing to do with a child that belonged to neither of them. At twelve, I was hired out to the Anderson family.” She tried to keep her voice light. As if it didn’t still hurt.
“How did you come to be working for the Krauses?” No doubt he still thought she was fabricating all the details.
“After four years with the Andersons, they decided they didn’t need me anymore.” So much for all the talk about how valuable she was. Just like a member of the family. “I was hired by the Krauses then.”
“How long were you with them?”
“Two years.” She clamped her mouth shut. She would say nothing further. When she went to the Krauses she’d promised herself there would be no more dreams of belonging. She’d do her job well. Give them no reason to dismiss her. But she would be content to be a servant.
Only, Moira and Reginald had invited her to take part in family activities, taken her on family vacations. Given her hope. Fueled her dreams.
She’d been so foolish to think she could belong. All it had taken was a letter from a cousin in Germany saying she wanted to visit, perhaps relocate to the Canadian west, and Winnie had been told her services were no longer needed.
Derek touched the back of her hand. “I’m sorry.”
She jerked away, her heart thudding against her ribcage like an overwound clock. “I don’t need your pity. I welcome the chance to be able to work in Banff. I hear it’s a beautiful place.”
He dropped his hand to his lap and looked past her. “I heard that, too.”
A thick silence hung between them. She pushed her chair back, intending to excuse herself and go to her room.
“Perhaps you do understand how she feels. I share her sorrow but I don’t know how to help her.”
Winnie shrugged. “Everyone handles trials in their own way.”
Derek’s gaze bore into hers, dark, challenging, maybe more. Maybe seeking. “How do you deal with yours?”
A great vacuum sucked at her insides. She tried to pull her gaze away, couldn’t. “That’s easy. I trust myself to God’s care. He will never leave me nor forsake me. He holds me in the palm of His hands.”
His mouth pulled down at the corners. “My mama believed the same thing and look what happened to her.” His breath whooshed out. “And despite your trust in God, you spend the night sleeping in a barn. How can you say He is taking care of you?”
She chuckled softly. “Well, I wasn’t asleep in the barn of a cruel man, so I suppose He was watching over me.” Had God sent her here for a purpose? To help Kathy. What could she do in a month?
Could she risk her heart becoming involved?
The wind sighed about the house as she considered her answer. An alternative sprang to her mind. Something she’d wondered about a few times. “Why don’t you get married? Surely, that would give Kathy security.”
He jerked to his feet, his fists curled on the table top. “I have no intention of marrying. Ever.”
“I can tell you have mixed feelings.”
He stared at her then laughed. “Sorry. I was a bit vehement, wasn’t I?”
“I barely noticed. But tell me, why are you so set against marriage?”
He settled back to his chair. “I have Kathy to care for. That’s my focus.”
“Seems to me marriage would make that easier.”
His mouth tightened. He shook his head. “I don’t need another person to take care of. To worry about. To always know I couldn’t protect them as I ought.”
“You feel responsible for your mother’s death?”
“Wouldn’t you, in my shoes?”
She lifted one shoulder. “I have no idea how I’d feel.”
“My father died when I was seventeen, after years of illness. His parting words were to take care of the family. I failed completely.”
She wanted to comfort him. Give him something to encourage him. Her heart stalled at crossing a boundary she had created to protect herself from growing too close to people.
Quivering with reluctance, she slipped her hand over to rest on the back of his.
He stiffened but didn’t pull away.
“You only fail when you don’t care.”
His eyes darkened enough to match the night outside the window. His gaze searched hers.
She didn’t know what he sought, only knew she couldn’t provide it. This time she would not let her heart open up to the people of this home. This was a job. Nothing more.
“I care.” His voice thickened with emotion.
“I know you do.” Despite her best resolve, she ached to experience such caring on her behalf. Determinedly, she pushed aside the yearning, refused to acknowledge it. “So you haven’t failed.”
He turned his hand and squeezed hers. “Thank you for saying so.”
The air between them shimmered with promise. Hope. Unfulfilled dreams. A wish for things to change that could not change, a desire to go back to happier times, happier places. Or better yet, find new happiness. Her heart flooded with sadness as wide as the sky. She scrubbed her lips together and tried to stifle the ache threatening to suck her inside out. Her hand squeezed Derek’s without her permission. She tried to pull away. Couldn’t make her arm obey. Something deep, gut level, bound her to him.
Chapter Three
Derek blinked, realized he clung to Winnie’s hand and pulled away. “Thanks for the tea.” And more. Her understanding. The comfort of her touch.
He jerked to his feet. He needed neither. He turned toward the hall, heading for his room. “I’ll say good night.”
Why had he let himself be drawn into her words? Why had he gripped her hand like Kathy did his on the way to school? He wasn’t a frightened child. He needed no one. Wanted no one. Kathy was his responsibility, and he feared he couldn’t live up to that adequately. He sat on the edge of his bed and looked at the calendar. December third. The Faringtons would arrive the twenty-seventh. Until then, they had to make do with Winnie’s help.
She’d proven herself capable enough at housework. But he didn’t need her comfort or words of encouragement.
It sure beat him, how she could believe God was in control when she’d been shoved from pillar to post. He clenched his fists, gritted his teeth. Why did life have to be so harsh? She surely didn’t deserve such unkindness.
Any more than Kathy deserved to be orphaned.
He slipped into bed and pulled the covers to his neck, but lay staring at the darkness of his room.
He could only do his best, even if his best had never been enough to protect his family.
He would not let himself care about another person. He’d never marry and take on more responsibility.
Kathy had been hurt by so many people. He must remind her Winnie was only here a month, warn her not to get fond of her.
Next morning, he prepared to walk Kathy to school when Uncle Mac burst into the house. “Derek, the cows are in the feed stack. I need a hand getting them out.”
He hesitated. By the time he returned from the school, the cows would have trampled the stacks into bedding.
“I can stay home?” Kathy seemed pleased with the thought.
“Aren’t you practicing for the Christmas concert? Seems you need to be there.”
She whimpered. “Don’t make me go.”
“Derek, come on. I can’t do this on my own.” Uncle Mac waited with his hand on the door. “Winnie, could you take her to school today?”
Kathy wouldn’t go to school on her own. But Derek didn’t want her
learning to depend on Winnie. Wasn’t that what he’d decided just last night? Yet Uncle Mac couldn’t get the cows out by himself. Derek couldn’t be two places at the same time.
Winnie watched him, her eyes knowing and patient, as if she read his uncertainty.
He’d shared too much the previous evening. Given her reason to think she understood him. He composed his face to reveal none of his confusion, and turned to Kathy. “Would you go with Winnie?”
Her face wrinkled, ready for a good wail.
“Just this one time.” He hated to turn her over to anyone else.
“I would love to see your schoolroom,” Winnie said. “Do you have some work to show me?”
“The teacher hung a picture I drew on the wall.”
“Would you show me?”
“I guess.”
“Good. That’s settled.” Uncle Mac opened the door. “Now let’s get those cows back where they belong.”
Derek hesitated a moment.
“Say goodbye to your brother,” Winnie said softly.
He knew her words were meant for him. Telling him to say goodbye to Kathy.
“I’ll meet you after school and walk you home,” he promised.
Kathy nodded, and he had no choice but to join Uncle Mac.
By the time they chased the cows back and fixed the broken spot in the fence, he was sweating from exertion. He glanced toward the house. “I should have let her stay home until I could take her.”
“She’ll be fine with Winnie. That young woman has her head on solid. She’s good with Kathy. Just what she needs. Just what we all need.”