“I don’t either,” I admitted. “It’s not like I wake up one day and decide this is the day I’m going to get over whatever it is. For instance, I have a lot to still get over from…What happened with the guide. There’s parts of that I may never get over.”
I thought about the severity of that statement and how there was a good possibility that I would never be able be truly alone ever again. Regardless of what Johnathan said, I will always be looking over my shoulder, worrying about whether he is standing there, waiting for me.
Having made it to the station, even without anyone there, I was surprised that nothing had happened.
I was extremely relieved that we had all made it safely and that no one was threatened, but I just wanted it to be over. I wanted to know what happened to the man and I wanted to know that he wouldn’t be coming after me.
However, I guessed that was one luxury I would never be provided. The second-best thing is never having to see him again, but that wouldn’t stop the worry.
I was terrified of him and there was nothing I could do to assuage that fear.
“Come on, Carrie,” Johnathan insisted, scooting even closer to me, as if trying to prove that he was there to help me through whatever was bothering me.
However, he wasn’t going to be there. He was going to go back to my life and I was going to go back to mine. The only thing he was promising me was something he couldn’t possibly guarantee.
Still, I didn’t bring any of this up, considering I was genuinely trying to part without any issues.
I didn’t want that guilt.
So, I grinned at him and asked, “What do you mean? Come on, Carrie?”
“You can’t let that asshole get the best of you. You’ve been through too much. You’re too strong a person to be forced into a corner like that. You can’t let this man rule you. You are going to get over this, just like you got over everything else.”
“Oh yeah?” I asked, humored by his unwavering faith in me; even if he didn’t trust me as far as he could throw me. “How do you know that?”
“I have to!” He exclaimed, “If you can’t then, there’s no hope for me.”
I giggled and teased, “Oh, I should’ve know this ultimately had to do with you.”
“I told you, Carrie, I’m a selfish bastard. You’re much better without me.”
Shaking my head, I refused to feed his negative comments. “You know what, Johnathan? I don’t think you are a selfish bastard. I don’t think you’re an asshole and I don’t think I’m better without you. I disagree with you, three for three. You are wrong, but you’re none of the things you think you are.”
“Yeah, okay,” he insisted, chuckling.
“Can I tell you how I feel without you going all crazy on me?”
“Oh, so now you think I go crazy?” He snickered.
“Johnathan, you know damn well that you go crazy. That’s not debatable. What I want is permission to speak freely with the hope that we can curb your crazy?”
“Sure, why the hell not?”
“Good,” I insisted, thinking about exactly what I was going to say, so that I could make sure I got my point across accurately. “I don’t think you are any of those things. I think, you want to be those things. I think you try to be those things, because if you were an asshole, selfish or bad for me, it would be so much easier to let me go. But, you don’t actually feel that way, which is what makes this so hard for you to accept.”
Johnathan didn’t respond at first and I hoped I hadn’t made a mistake by telling him any of how I felt, but eventually, I realized that he wasn’t brooding, he was thinking. I watched his eyes shine over in thought before he finally nodded, looking back to me after serious contemplation, “That’s definitely a possibility. You’re pretty smart.”
“No, you’re just painfully easy to read,” I retorted in a playful manner.
“You know, you’re the first person to ever tell me that. Everyone else said that I was an enigma and that there was no way to tell how I would react…Everyone, including Sarah and my parents.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but stopped short, again trying to judge weather or not my question was worth pursuing. Eventually, I decided to give it a shot.
“Johnathan, is that where you became convinced that you were all those horrible things? You said you were the black sheep of the family…”
“Yeah, come to think about it. My brother was always the golden child and I was…John, the troublemaker, or, when I got older and more frustrating, John, the asshole. They didn’t understand me, so they decided that must be why.” At this, he stood up and started to pace around, trying to focus on everything but the conversation he and I were having.
I gave him some space before saying anything else, but eventually offered, “You know, sometimes, people say things because they are guilty…Subconsciously. They know that they are one way, or act a certain way toward people, so instead of blaming themselves, they justify their thoughts by making the other person the bad guy.”
“Oh, well, I could tell you that my parents are selfish. The only reason they even like my brother is because he was good for their campaign trail. Unfortunately, he knows it too, but since they like him, he doesn’t want to rock the boat,” Johnathan answered me without actually looking back at me.
“I’m sorry,” I replied, watching as he turned around and sat back next to me, without looking at me.
He was quiet for a moment and I let him have that. I supposed he was thinking, probably about a lot of painful memories that he didn’t want to be replaying in his mind.
“I just want to feel differently,” he finally insisted, glancing up at me for the first time in a while, now peering deeply into my eyes.
I stayed quiet, not sure exactly how to respond, or even if I should respond. His expression was so intense and deep, that if he weren’t looking straight at me, deep into my soul, I would think that he was looking straight through me.
We stayed there, eyes locked in silence for a long period of time.
During that time, I gazed back into his eyes, trying to figure out where his thoughts were roaming to, but I couldn’t quite pinpoint it from the look he was giving me.
I thought about what it would be like, having to go back home, without him.
I didn’t know how much time I would have before the rangers showed up, but every second seemed to pass too quickly. Even without having a specified time limit, I knew that no matter how much time I had left with him, it wouldn’t be enough.
His eyes, although they didn’t give me much of a lead as to what Johnathan was thinking, sure gave me some insightful thoughts.
Wanting to stay with him forever, I wondered if that would be possible, but decided that I would miss the outside world, so the only way that would work would be if he came back to reality.
Staying with him would simply be enabling him…and what about your family, your career? What about all the things you’ve worked so hard to accomplish. Surely Johnathan wouldn’t want you to give all that up. I convinced myself, though the thought of leaving him presently seemed even more upsetting than leaving my life behind.
However, I knew that was only because he was presently what I was losing. I wouldn’t be happy here, in the mountains, for the rest of my life.
Although, staring into his eyes right then, keeping my gaze trained on him for such an extended period of time, made me think that I could.
“I want you, Carrie,” he finally admitted, breaking the intensity of the moment, but giving validity to a whole new train of thought.
I grinned, trying to figure out the best way to respond honestly, without making him feel as though I was trying to convince him to do anything he wasn’t ready for. “And I want you too. That is never going to change.”
“But right now, I just feel that it’s easier to push you away than risk the chance of you walking away. At least then, I’m not blindsided.”
I nodded in understanding, “I get that.
”
He seemed skeptical, “I’m trying my best…”
“I’m serious, Johnathan. I really do understand,” I insisted, “When I was talking to you, telling you about my past, I realized that, while I do deserve your trust, you deserve the time it takes to give me that trust. So, my door is always open. I can’t guarantee what will happen, but I will always be there for you if you need me.”
Johnathan allowed this to settle in his mind for a moment before he grinned, “Thank you. I appreciate that and hopefully soon, I’ll be able to surprise you.”
“That would be great, but in the meantime,” I said, reaching up, so that my lips were close to his, “I’m not going anywhere,” with that, I kissed him passionately, throwing my arms around his neck and pulling him closer.
Immediately, Johnathan wrapped his arms around me as well and deepened the passion of the kiss.
Johnathan leaned against me, his arm resting heavily on the wall behind me as his head twisted in a manner that allowed him to thrust himself against me, almost desperately.
The essence of the kiss was also different; it was almost as though he was trying to revel in every moment, every touch and every second that we were spending together.
“I mean,” he insisted, as his lips traveled off my mouth and toward my ear, while his hand cupped around the back of my neck as he pulled me closer to him, “I need you now.”
“Here?” I asked, my eyes darting toward him as I snickered with a sense of excitement, “But…People could show up at any minute. We could be caught?”
“You think I give a fuck?” He growled, before pressing toward me again, as his tongue thrust deeply into my mouth. His arm snaked around my body, pulling me up so that I was slightly risen above the seat.
He scooted me back, so that I was against the small wall that divided the bench from the rest of the buildings.
Instinctively, I wrapped my legs around his waist, and pressing my womanliness against him.
In one swift movement, he took my shirt off, reaching for my breasts.
The feel, however was slightly different than before. It was almost longing, as though no matter what he did, he would never be able to get enough.
Even though I noticed this, I was too busy being ignited by the feel of his now familiar, calloused touch to focus on much of anything else.
From the first kiss we shared, I felt a tingling between my legs, which soon kindled into a firestorm of hot, sensual, emotion that flowed throughout my whole body.
My hands pawed at him, feeling his body, exploring it, as though it was the first time.
Regardless of how long we stayed together, I doubted that I would ever get used to the perfection I saw in his virile physique. I had never seen a man who was built rawer and completely, all-inclusively manly, than Johnathan.
As I tore off his shirt, only pausing our kissing briefly to absolve him from the confines of his clothing, my fingertips trailed down the valley of his flawlessly molded stomach, until my finger hooked on his jeans, which I yanked toward me.
I felt Johnathan simper behind my lips, before he broke away to glare at me and growl, “Oh yeah? Is that how you want to play? Alright!”
He grabbed at his pants, removing them quickly and yanking me up, so that I was flesh against the wall.
I yelled out with surprise and pleasure, before a chill from the cold wall ran up my spine.
“You’re not going to tell me what to do…” He snarled in a sexy, domineering manner as he allowed me to drop down to his level, so that he could press his hard, erotic member against my nakedness. He rubbed it against me, up and down, each time growing closer to penetrating, but never quite giving me the satisfaction.
I felt my legs tighten against his waist as my heartbeat thudded in my chest.
“Is your leg okay?” He asked, breaking character only for a moment, before returning to his domineering counterpart when I hastily assured him I was fine.
Again, he teased me with his essence, before backing away from the wall and sitting back on the bench.
Now, he was between us, with his manliness pressing hard against me, the warmth and implication of it driving me crazy, though I was unable to do anything about it, as my legs were still wrapped around his waist.
Once we were sitting down, however, Johnathan grabbed my butt and easily yanked my body up; his muscles hardly even showing that he was doing anything, before he stared at me and asked, “You ready?” Before guiding himself into me.
Instantly, I sank deep against him and I sighed with a moment of relief, before he guided me back and forth, in a manner that made every small motion he made reverberate deep within me.
“Oh…Yes…” I shuddered, now putting everything else out of my mind as my hands rested on his shoulders and I helped him keep the pace of our lovemaking. Each time he moved me, I felt a sharp, quick bolt of euphoria zip through me, which eventually lead me to moan his name and grasp ahold of his shoulders tighter.
As I grew closer to climaxing, Johnathan picked up the pace and eventually, we were thrashing back and forth. We were both moaning, and our heavy breaths matched on another.
Our lovemaking had become hasty and forceful, as our frustrations were poured out, more with each thrust.
However, the faster we rocked and the more we exerted ourselves, the more we felt absolved, renewed, and entranced by the sensations that our actions were reaping.
I groaned, throwing my head back, while Johnathan shut his eyes tightly, “Yes…Yes…Keep going, Carrie!”
After the exclamation of my name. I felt him shoot into me. At the same moment, my body reacted.
Together, we remained frozen in our own personal oasis, while the world we had no care for at that moment, continued around us.
In that moment, we were both completely transported, out of our bodies, off the mountain and into a world where it was only the two of us, enjoying the intensity of our euphoria.
The moment lasted a long while, completely satisfying us, but still wasn’t nearly enough.
However, when we returned to our minds and were at least somewhat conscious of what was going on around us, I could tell that Johnathan felt the same way when he opened his eyes, stared directly at me, and insisted, “God, I love you, Carrie.”
I felt my heart drop. While hearing those words was amazing, especially since, despite the sensual adrenaline flowing through him, I was sure he meant it, I knew that having such a statement out there would make it even harder to let him go.
Still, I didn’t want to make him feel as though he made a mistake, or that I didn’t feel the same, so I grinned and answered earnestly, “I love you too, Johnathan.”
I wish I didn’t, I thought to myself, while staring deep into his bright, emerald eyes, but I love you more than anyone I have ever known.
Chapter 22: Johnathan
When the rescue people arrived a few hours later, both Carrie and I were almost, mutually disappointed.
Having had food, water, and sex, we were content to stay there for as long as was necessary. As long as we didn’t run out of snacks and didn’t have to separate, I was fairly content with staying there forever.
It was finally an adventure that both of us obviously needed.
We were together, we were well, if not healthily fed, and we were safe. If we really needed it, we had communications to the outside world and the rangers knew exactly where we were.
So, we were slightly disenchanted when the rangers came pulling up in their all-terrain vehicles, only a few hours after we had settled in.
For the first time, after making love to Carrie, I didn’t feel any guilt. I felt relieved and abundantly content, but the thoughts that had plagued me every time before were now silent.
I supposed the real test would be what I thought and felt once I was alone, but for the time being, I was ready to consider this a win.
However, when the park rangers, along with the paramedics showed up, all I could think about was h
ow I now needed to make my decision…and how I had completely messed up by admitting to Carrie that I loved her.
I wasn’t lying, which was a surprise to me, to find out that I was even capable of loving someone again, but that was what made it so much worse. If I had simply said it in the throes of passion, without meaning it, other than trying to accurately explain what a good fuck that was, things would be different.
However, the fact that I meant those words to the very core of my being was what made this so difficult.
Her answer had made the decision even more of a challenge.
I knew what she was doing. She was trying to save me from herself. While she didn’t want to deny that she loved me, she knew how hard it would be, if I chose not to go with her, especially if she said it aloud.
However, she had, which made the looming separation even harder to accept. I didn’t want to leave her, but I also didn’t want to disappoint her, and I feared that either way, that would be the ultimate result.
I figured I would either disappoint her now, when I returned to my old life, or I would give her false hope by returning to civilization with her and then not being able to succeed.
Knowing that there would be challenges for me that I couldn’t even fathom, even if I felt that I could go without issue now, there was surely going to be something that would throw me for a loop once I started my assimilation.
Broken: A Mountain Man's Romance Page 20