I gulp noisily and I take my seat. All the fun has been completely zapped out of the night which causes hot tears to ball up behind my eyes. I don’t want us to fall out, I don’t want our magical few months to be ruined over nothing. Just because it has to come to an end.
“I just presumed,” I reply quietly. “Sorry, I didn’t think. Is that… is it because of all the time spent at the hospital?”
His shoulders sag, I can see all the tension visibly run off his shoulders. “No it isn’t that at all. I’m sorry that I’ve made you feel that way, I wouldn’t change all the time I spent with you in the hospital for anything in the world. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said that then.” He sighs loudly and leans his elbows onto his knees as he slides into the other chair. “Hank and the guys have done a great job, I’ve loved working with them.”
I want to ask him what the problem is, but for some reason the words don’t come out my mouth. I fear I might burst into sobbing tears that rack through my entire body if I part my lips at all. I remain silent and wait for him to continue.
“I’ve been speaking to my dad today and he’s… he’s hard work,” he says, sounding defeated. “It’s just put a lot of stress on my shoulders, that’s all. Maybe I shouldn’t have come tonight because I don’t want to be bad company.”
I don’t think he’s telling me the whole truth, I think that’s probably a part of his bad mood, but I also believe that he’s tugging himself away from me. Probably because he feels like he has to. Somehow, I need to tell him what I think about that, but it won’t be easy tonight while he’s in this mood.
“Maybe we should just eat,” I say while indicating towards my table. “Have some food, then if you still aren’t feeling happy you can go back to your motel and spend the night there.” I rest my hand over his but I can sense him stiffen as I do so which makes me snatch away. I don’t want to put anything on him while he’s being this way. I understand but that doesn’t make it fair on me. “Unless you don’t want to eat at all.”
His eyes meet mine and we share a bit of a look. I can’t really read what’s going on behind his gaze but I can sense that it isn’t good. I hope that he hasn’t already made up his mind and that he’s already said goodbye to us.
“Let’s eat. Come on.” He stands up and leads me to the table where we both sit opposite one another. It’s a position that we’ve been in a million times before, but now it feels really different. “This looks lovely, Lola, thanks for cooking it.”
We eat in silence. I keep darting my eyes over to him as we do but he doesn’t give me anything. He’s as closed off as a damn book with a lock on it, which is killing me. I need to find a way to make him open up and there’s only one question I can think of.
“Do you think you might know anything about the hospital bill?” I push. “I’ve been racking my brain all day and I cannot think how.”
“Why would I know anything?” He shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t know anything at all.”
I nod slowly, completely shutting down myself. It was so obvious that he would have paid it, there isn’t anyone else around who would know or even care enough to pay. Plus, I don’t know another living person who has enough money to do so. All I want to do is thank him for his generosity and to work out a payment plan so I can get the money to him, but clearly, he doesn’t want to talk. About anything.
I need him to go. That thought hits me hard and like a thump in the face. All day long I’ve wanted him here, but the person I’ve wanted is my Brandon. The sweet guy who comes to watch me play, who helps me in the hospital, who comes to visit the lake with me. This cold version of him sucks. I don’t like it one bit. I need him to leave.
I decide to keep my lips shut. Maybe I don’t want to talk now either. I’m not the sort of girl who will take his bullshit lying down. If he wants to act like an asshole then let him. I don’t have to try and be all sweet to win him around. I’d like to be nice to him, to make him feel good, but not if I won’t get anything back.
I fix my eyes downwards and concentrate only on eating. Once I’ve consumed all that I want to, I jump out of my seat to grab a sweater to throw on over the top. I’m not about to make myself freeze just for someone who doesn’t even care.
“I suppose you’ll want to get back then?” I ask him in an icy tone that matches his. “I don’t want to stress you out anymore than you already are.”
His face tightens. “Don’t be like that,” he shoots back. “It isn’t that way at all. Like I said, I’ve just had a stressful day.” When I don’t say anything, he continues. “Look, I know that I’m useless tonight. I’m just dealing with a lot of stuff. None of it is your fault.”
“I’m dealing with stuff too.” I point towards my father’s home. “But you don’t see me taking it out on you.”
“No, I don’t.” He offers me a one shouldered shrug. “But clearly you’re a much better person than me.” I roll my eyes and turn away from him. “Look,” his tone becomes calmer, as if he’s dealing with a hysterical person rather than just an upset one. “I don’t want to be a dick, but I suppose we both need to think about this coming to an end soon. It isn’t going to be easy, but soon we’ll both be back to our real lives and all of this will have to end.”
My mouth runs dry with nerves, although I’m pissed off I know that it’s now or never. I have to say something or I’ll regret it forever.
“Does it?” I say softly. “Does it have to end?”
“I mean… yeah. It does, doesn’t it?” He gives me a hesitant look which suggests I might just be about to get through to him.
“No, it doesn’t.” I step close enough to him so we’re almost touching, but not quite. It’s an electrifying sensation that’s highlighted by how tense this is. “We could make it work with a bit of effort. I could come and see you, you could come to me, we could talk on the phone, text, we could… I don’t know. It isn’t that long distance, it isn’t worse than other people have done.” I take his hands in mine, breaking through the walls he’s put around himself. “We could just be together, if we both want it enough. It isn’t impossible.”
Please say yes, please want this as much as I do…
Chapter 14 – Brandon
I’ll admit it, she has me shell shocked. Her words, her promise of a future where I could actually make it work with the first girl who’s ever captured my attention is too much. I know it wouldn’t be simple, but I also know that it’s possible. I could work less, I could make the journey back and forth whenever I can to see Lola, and she can always come to see me. Yes, it’ll cost a lot but what’s money when it comes to love?
I can feel myself getting misty eyed as I think about how with a bit of effort we could really make this happen. I could actually just fall in love…
But then my dad’s face comes into mind and I imagine how scathing he’ll be if I tell him that I want to make a long distance relationship work. He won’t be impressed when I keep letting him down on projects because I want to see Lola. He’ll give me crap all the time, I’ll never hear the end of it. He’ll start pushing me back in the company because he knows that I won’t be fully focused. This is a classic case of love verses career and I don’t know what to do. I know my father made mistakes when he picked career, but I can’t exactly do nothing.
“I don’t know.” I snatch my hands away and run one of them through my hair. The stress is back, rolling through my shoulders and neck, making me feel sick. I should have stayed in tonight. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, do you?”
“Well… why not?” All the color drains from her face while she waits for me to answer.
“Because that was never in the plan, was it? We never went into this as a long term thing. It was going to be fun for the both of us, just while I’m here. Then we go our separate ways, no questions asked.” I wave my hands around a little manically as I talk.
“We never discussed that,” she says with a head shake. “And things can change anyway, can’t they
? We can develop feelings for one another.”
She has feelings for me. I don’t need to question that, I can see it written all over her face. I have feelings for her too, but that doesn’t make any of this less complicated. This is a mess.
“I don’t know about that,” I reply in a hollow sounding voice. I gulp, I can barely think right now. “I don’t know about any of it.”
“You don’t know if you have feelings for me?” Lola falls backwards, looking incredibly hurt. “I see, I didn’t realize. I just thought… with all the nice stuff that you’ve been doing for me… I thought that we were on the same page…”
I shake my head, but not because I disagree with her, because I can’t believe this is happening. I knew I shouldn’t come out, I could feel it, but I got sucked in because of Lola’s sweetness anyway. I got dragged along by her and now we’re stuck in this awful row.
“I don’t know what page you’re on, and I don’t know what page I’m on either. This is all just too much. You’ve thrown this at me without me being prepared at all. I don’t know how you expect me to react.”
Lola’s cheeks turn a funny shade of red and I can see that I’ve pushed her too far. “I’m pressuring you now? I thought that we were just having an adult conversation about things. I didn’t realize this was the sort of thing where I cannot say how I feel.”
I roll my eyes. The fire is back, but now I can’t be dealing with it. I just want something in my life to be easy. “It isn’t that. Don’t be that way, Lola…”
“I think you should leave.” She steps back even further away from me and indicates towards the door. “You didn’t want to come tonight anyway, so why don’t you just leave.”
I part my lips, desperately wanting to say all kinds of different things but nothing comes out. Maybe this is the best way. I don’t want to end a magical few months with an argument, but I suppose it creates a clean break. It’ll certainly be much simpler than trying to navigate a long distance relationship that’s doomed from the start.
“Fine, I will go. If that’s what you want, Lola, that’s what you’ll get.”
I gather myself up and head away from her. I try to keep my eyes fixed forwards as I move so I only think of the future and not the present that’s very quickly edging towards becoming my past, but at the last moment I can’t resist turning just to check. Her wide eyes are filled with sadness and tears, I can see that as soon as I walk out of here, she’ll fall apart which I feel horrible for… but how can I make this any easier? We both knew when we got into this that it would end this way. All we had to do was keep feelings out of it.
It’s safe to say that we failed.
Goodbye, Lola, I think in my head as I pull away from her. I know I should probably say those words aloud, but I just can’t find the ability to do so. I don’t want to make this any more painful than it already is. From this moment on, we will never see each other again.
We can’t. I have to keep strong. I have to leave this town as soon as I can and I can’t get dragged back in. Now that I’ve decided that this is the end, it can’t be anything else. We both have to move on, we both need to get back to real life, it’s the only option we have.
“Just go,” she spits out to my back, seemingly sensing the same thing as me. “Go and don’t come back. This is done here, we’re finished.”
***
I rub my sleepy eyes as I shove the rest of my stuff in my suitcase. After a night of tossing and turning and absolutely no sleep at all, I only know one thing. I need to get out of here now. I cannot spend another minute in this damn place. I just can’t do it. I’ll pop in to the building site on my way home and leave to make sure everything is under control, but I’m pretty sure that Hank has it much better than me anyway.
Have I got everything? I ask myself desperately as I look around the motel room. I’ll be glad to put this horrible room behind me forever. Am I ready to go?
Maybe I should go to Lola’s house to say a proper goodbye to her so we don’t have to end on a sour note, but I know that I’m weak, I know I’ll get sucked back in without much effort. This sucks, but it’s the way that it has to be. Even the thought of her face in my sleepy mind makes me feel a bit dizzy and sick. I just want to hold her, I want to wrap my arms around her and claim her as my own forever more, but I can’t give her false hope. I can’t delve into this feet first, especially when it can’t become something real.
I fiddle with my car keys in my pocket as I finish checking the place, waiting for my escape, then with a deep sigh I leave it all behind. I step out into the cool, fresh morning air and I slam the door behind me with a loud bang. It’s not a relieving sensation, but it’s what I have to do. The mixed up feeling that races through my body continues as I make my way to the reception desk and I check out, then it carries on as I get into the car.
I don’t look behind me as I pull away, I don’t even glance in the rear view mirror. I also make sure that I take the long way around so I don’t pass Lola’s home. There’s that familiar pull in my chest drawing me in, but today I’m strong enough not to follow through.
I’m picking my career over love.
Yes, okay so I know that there’s a chance that I might regret it at some point, but I have all my life to fall in love. I don’t think that Lola will be the only one for me, I don’t think that I’ll only fall in love once. I can use this as a learning curve to make it better in the future. She will just be a memory in my mind, a lovely few months, and I hope that once the hurt has passed for her, she will see me the same way.
I turn the music up as I get towards the building site because I’m trying to block out all of my emotions. I don’t want to think about Lola now, I just want to get this done. As I pull the car to a halt, I can see Hank and Archie already there which is good. I can get this done with just those two so there isn’t any unnecessary drama. I get that big fake smile on my face and I step out to greet them.
“Hey, boss.” Hank looks shocked to see me. “You’re in early, is there anything wrong?”
“Oh no, no not really.” I shake my head and wonder why I didn’t plan what I was going to say earlier. “It’s not that at all. It’s just… well the project is almost finished now and I have something that I need to get back home for. Do you think you can get the last few things done without me?”
Hank gives me an apologetic look, it’s almost like he can see that everything has fallen apart with my love life. I want to hold my head high and to give him a defiant look, but I can’t. My eyes fall downwards and I look at my feet instead.
“Sure, boss, me and Archie can take control of everything. I don’t think it’ll be more than an extra week anyway. Probably a lot less. I can keep you updated via email if that’s what you want?”
“Perfect. Thank you.”
“And, erm… what about the other project?” It takes me a few moments to realize what he’s talking about, but when I remember the lake, recognition flickers across my face. “After our little chat yesterday, we started it. We’re just going to get it as close to how it once was… if that’s what you still want.”
Maybe that’s a good idea. It’ll give Lola somewhere to go if she wants to remember me and her in a positive light. What we had on that day when we went to the lake was magical, made even better by the fact that she opened up to me in the most incredible way. She revealed parts of herself to me that I don’t know if many other people will get.
I would like to think of her standing there, when times get tough, just remembering.
“Yes,” I rasp back. “Please carry on with it. Like I said I will pay you well.”
“Okay, that’s great, boss. Will do.”
Once we’ve embraced and said our goodbyes, I hop back into the car with all kinds of thoughts racing through my mind. I’m hoping that the nearer I get to the city, the clearer my brain will become. The positive for me is that I can get some separation from all of this. I can go away and back to my real life. I hope Lola somehow ma
nages to overcome it well. Somehow.
I can’t look back now, I just have to go. I’ve made my bed and I need to just lie in it.
Chapter 15 – Lola
“How are you doing, sweetheart?” my dad asks me with sympathy in his eyes. He reaches out to touch my arm as he gazes at me. “You look a bit… I don’t know, sad.”
“I’m fine,” I lie, despite the fact that I’ve been really sad for over a week now. I don’t want to upset him since he’s still quite frail. “How are you doing?”
“Oh you know me.” He smiles through the pain. “I’m used to it, I’ll keep on going.” He cocks his head and examines me closely. “But what’s going on with you? I know that you’ve just said nothing but I really don’t believe you. I know you better than that.”
I can’t even make myself smile. I know I probably should, to reassure him, but I’m too physically and emotionally exhausted to fake it. “I’ll be fine too. I’m resilient like you.”
I move into the kitchen to make a hot drink for me and Dad. I feel like we both could use some caffeine right now. I flick it on and watch it boil, all while my mind is reeling at a million miles an hour. At the moment, I’m the lowest that I’ve ever been. I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy again. To anyone else, that might sound dramatic but to me it feels impossible. Everywhere I look I see a reminder of the man I fell in love with, the man I offered myself to on a plate, and the man that I wasn’t good enough for. Even when we argued I didn’t mean what I said. I certainly didn’t think he’d skip town without saying goodbye.
Broken: A Mountain Man's Romance Page 79