I do too, I think. It’s just a bit scary. Very scary. Too scary, actually.
As the words flow out of my mouth, I truly put my heart and soul into them. I throw myself right back into those soul destroying memories when it really felt like the whole world was falling apart around me. When Brandon first left, I thought I would never be happy again, yet here I am proving that I can be… and somehow with him still in the picture.
It’s madness, utter madness.
Still, here I am, singing in a recording studio because I gave him a chance, so my dad was very right about giving me that advice.
It takes me a while, but eventually I brave making eye contact with Brandon, and as I do a bolt of emotions shoots right down to my core. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of looking at him, of seeing him look at me like that. He makes me feel special and I think he always will.
I search his face, looking for some hurt, but he doesn’t give me anything to worry about. He must know that this is all about him, but thankfully I think he understands that I’m simply drawing my art from real life.
Once my first, heart wrenching song is up, I decide to sing one of my more positive ones. It’s a song I wrote when things were really good with me and Brandon when I first started feeling that excitable flush of potential love. It hasn’t ever seen the light of day until now because it was much too painful to sing, but I think it’s important. For me, I need to recall the good times that me and Brandon had, I want him to know that I appreciate it when it was good. He has made a big effort to make things right with me, and it seems to be continuing. I appreciate all of that, and I also am so grateful for what he’s done for my father.
I want to use my singing to show him that I know he’s not a terrible person. I just hope that I’m doing a good job…
***
“Right, Lola. We will now have a meeting and decide where we want to go next with this. Will you be available at any time if we contact you?”
“I will make sure of it,” Brandon interjects. “It’s not a long drive, so if the timing is right for you and your dad, I can always pick you up.”
I nod silently, not saying a word. This is so exciting, my dream is finally happening, but it’s spiraling quickly, moving too fast. I feel like a train is rushing past me at a million miles an hour and I need to jump on now or I’ll miss it. Of course I want this, it’s a dream come true, it makes every single one of my fantasies more of a potential reality… but the problem with dreams coming true is the parts of real life that have to be sacrificed along the way. If I go for this, I might end up away from my dad way too much.
Still, I haven’t signed anything so I suppose I can still say no.
“Thank you,” I rasp out, not wanting to be rude. Especially if this all turns out to be a waste of time for them later on. “I appreciate the opportunity.”
After some hand shaking and some air kissing, me and Brandon finally leave the recording studio hand in hand. The natural light of the outside world feels so bright now, after being in there for hours, is so intense that I have to blink a few times to bring me back to normal. The intensity is still sitting on my shoulders, rolling through my body in waves.
“Did that really just happen?” I ask Brandon with a bemused chuckle. “That was mad.”
“I thought you might not quite believe it, even though you just experienced it, so I took some pictures of you on my phone. I hope that’s okay?”
He pulls out his phone and hands it to me, and I take a moment to scroll through the reams of images that he’s snapped of me. I have my eyes closed because I’m so lost in the music in most of them, which is how I didn’t know he was taking them, and I have to admit I’m shocked at how good I look. I appear professional, confident, in control… like I belong. It’s the first time since I stepped into this recording studio that I don’t feel like the whole thing was a giant mistake.
“Wow,” I gasp as I clap my hand across my mouth. “That’s insane. Can I take these to show my father? I know he’ll get a kick out of them.”
“I’ll send them all too you… then when you need to set up all your social media accounts for your bright new career you’ll have some pictures to start with.”
“Oh stop it.”
I shove him playfully, but inside his words create a buzz. Maybe this could be the start of something real. I don’t expect to have the biggest career in the world, I don’t think I’ll actually be playing Madison Square Garden, but anything would be nice. To make money from my music, the thing that I love to do, would be incredible. How many people can say that they actually have a career they love?
“You shouldn’t have said that thing, you know?” I probe Brandon. “About coming to pick me up whenever they want to see me. Your dad is already mad enough about you not spending enough time in the office and he blames me. If they call me, I’ll make my own way here. The last thing I want is to create any sort of rift…”
“That won’t be a problem,” Brandon interrupts me. “So don’t worry about it.”
I narrow my eyes at him as confusion floods me. “Look, just because you think that I’ve charmed your father, doesn’t make it the truth. You do realize that while he likes me now, that could so easily change. Plus, the company needs you…”
“The company doesn’t need me.” His smile is much too bright and knowing. “Because I don’t work for the company anymore.”
I stop where I am in the middle of the sidewalk and I clap my hand hard into his chest. “What the hell do you mean?” I demand. “Are you crazy?”
“Not crazy. Happy.” He chuckles. “I haven’t been happy at the company for a long time, this is something that I’ve wanted to do for a while, I just haven’t had the confidence. I needed something else to focus on, I needed a dream to follow.”
“Right I see,” I gulp. “So you’ve found something else to do? What’s that?”
His face lights up as he speaks, I can already see this means so much to him so I cling onto every single word that falls out of his mouth. “The thing is, I’m good at overseeing property development plans, but at the moment it doesn’t make me happy. I’ve found a way to change that.”
“You… have?”
“I have combined it with my other passion… helping people. Something that you and your dad have helped me to see.” I open my mouth to say something but I can’t get a word in edgeways because he’s already on a roll. “I want to create housing projects that actually help people. Affordable homes for the needy, adapted homes for the people who need it, rented homes for single mothers,, renovations for those who can’t afford it, that sort of thing. I sat up all night last night creating a business plan for it and I’ve already spoke to Hank and Archie this morning who want to be on board. Sure, it won’t make me much money, a lot of the time it might even cost me more than it makes, but I don’t need money. I have plenty, more than I need. I’m not in it for that. I want to make a difference.”
I can barely breathe, never mind speak. “Your dad?” I pant out breathlessly. The plan is incredible and so damn noble, but how will his father take it?
“Oh don’t worry about him. He knows, I told him this morning, and actually he’s okay with it. I’m sure he thinks that I’m making a mistake, but that’s okay. I don’t mind what he thinks. I know that I’m doing the right thing.” He bumps his hip into mine, making me stare up at him. “And the best thing is I can set up office wherever I want and I can travel wherever I need to go to do my work.”
Through my foggy mind, I think he might be telling me that if I want it we can be together. We don’t have to be long distance because somehow we can make it work. It’s what I want, so damn badly, but I can’t seem to find the right words. I’m just trying my best to digest this shock at the moment.
“That’s wonderful,” I finally manage to tell him. “I’m so happy for you. You deserve this very much.”
He envelops me in his arms and presses me up against his chest so I can hear his racing
heart. I close my eyes to block out the noise and the sights of the city because I only want to feel him. Somehow, I just know that this is it. Our make or break moment. For good this time. I just wonder which way it will turn out…
Chapter 28 – Brandon
I spend the next few days throwing myself into my new business venture. As I do it with all my heart and soul it doesn’t feel like work. Even the stressful bits aren’t hard to do because I’m so damn desperate to get things done. I love it. Every day I realize more and more this is just what I want to do. This is me. Finally I feel like myself.
As I bang on the door to the motel room which has almost become like a second home to me, I’m bursting with things that I want to tell Lola… but all of them fall apart on my lips as the door swings open and I see what’s going on inside.
“Are you packing?” I ask while peering behind Lola. The mess that’s been all over the floor is long gone now and already I miss it. “What’s going on? Are you moving hotel?”
“Actually…” As she speaks she can hardly meet my eyes. My chest runs cold as I get a horrible feeling that I’m not going to like this. “Dad wants to go back home. He’s finished his treatment with the doctor for now, I’m sure he’ll have follow up appointments, but…” She shrugs her shoulders regretfully at me. “For now he wants to go back. I have been calling you all day long, you just weren’t answering your phone.”
I grab my phone out of my pocket and stare at the screen. Thirteen missed calls and four text messages stare back at me, all containing the terrible news I can see in front of me. “Oh God, sorry I’ve just been so busy today. In meetings and things. I didn’t look at my phone.” I shove it back in my pocket and shake my head as I realize that the missed calls aren’t the most important things. “You’re leaving? Today?”
My heart thumps angrily, my stomach turns over and over in a frantic, confused manner, my head spins. How can I make this not be the truth? What can I do?
“I have to, Brandon,” she tells me sadly. “My dad needs me at the moment. I might be back soon, especially if the record label stuff works out, but I can’t just leave him.”
She’s right, I know she is, and I also realize that this doesn’t spell the end of us, but that doesn’t stop any of the anxiety from coiling around inside of me. I’m so damn scared to let Lola go. I don’t want to spend another year without her. I can’t do it. I won’t survive.
“How are you getting back?” I gush. “What’s happening? What time are you leaving?”
“We’re headed to the bus stop now, I’m so sorry Brandon, I honestly didn’t want you to find out in such a brutal fashion.”
Her eyes are so full of hurt, it breaks my heart. I can see that she doesn’t want it to be this way, but she feels like this is what she has to do. I could just step back and let her do her thing, but the idea of the separation kills me.
“Okay. Don’t go to the bus stop,” I tell her sharply. “Not yet. I’ll… I’ll take you back. I’ll drive you, it won’t take me long.”
This causes her to widen her eyes in shock. “I can’t ask you to do that. You’ve got all your own stuff going on. You’ve got your business and all your meetings… I don’t want to get in the way of anything.” She steps forwards and takes my hands in hers. “I know you have your own thing going on at the moment. I will be back, this isn’t goodbye. This is just me doing my thing while you do yours. Our lives are both crazy at the moment. It’s just a bit of a timing thing. It’s certainly something that we can overcome.”
I can’t stand it, her words are killing me. Logically I know that everything she’s saying is right and that of course we’ll be fine at the end of it, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I pull her to me and run one hand up the back of her neck until it knots up into her hair, then I crash my lips into hers and I kiss her hard.
“I don’t want you to go,” I murmur into her mouth as we pull apart. “I can’t stand the idea of being without you.”
“I know, I know,” she agrees. “I can’t stand it either, but what else can we do?”
The words bubble up inside of me, I can’t seem to stop them from falling out of my mouth. I don’t think that the timing is right, but that doesn’t seem to matter. “I love you,” I whisper to her, so quietly that only she can hear.
“You do?” she gushes to me. “Because I love you too. Really and truly.”
“Then get your things. I’m driving you home.”
There’s no way in hell I’m going to let this wonderful woman get the bus. She needs to go home, fine, but I’m taking her. Then maybe on the way we can both really think about how we’re going to make this work. It’s an hour to an hour and a half. Plenty of time for me to come up with the right plan for all of us.
“Hold on, I’ll go and tell Dad.”
Lola’s father doesn’t even bat an eyelid when he comes to get into my car, but I’m not too surprised. He seemed to know how deeply me and Lola felt for one another before we even knew it. I mean, I knew it but it’s taken this moment for me to feel it as deeply as I do now. I know with absolute certainty now that I would die without Lola in my life. I just need to find a way to make this work. Bad timing or not.
***
I drive on autopilot most of the way to Lola’s home. None of us talk, I barely even look where I’m going, I’m just trying to work out how me and Lola can keep being in one another’s lives. Right now, I need to stay in the city while I get my business established, and Lola needs to be between the two. Maybe we’ll just have to spend some time apart in the beginning. I don’t know. We desperately need a plan.
“Oh wow.” Seeing Lola’s little cottage at the edge of her farm brings all the old memories flooding back. Every meal, every kiss, every shared look. It all makes me feel so many overwhelming emotions at once. “It doesn’t look any different.”
“Doesn’t it?” Lola leans out the window sleepily. She’s drifted in and out all the way home, which has made it easier for me to remain silent. “I suppose not. This is the town that never changes. Always the same.”
“Well, until I came along,” I tease her. “Then everything changed.”
“And not all for the better.” She raises her eyebrows and smiles at me. “But mostly.”
She pushes the door open and moves to the back of the car to go and help her father out. I leap out rapidly to help them both too. I need to remember that there are other lives going on around my internal dilemma. Lola’s father is tired now, he needs a bit of help to get back into the house, but actually he does seem to have more strength than he did when I first saw him again after the last year. Maybe the new treatment is working, maybe it’s genuinely helping him, I suppose only time will tell.
Once we get Lola’s dad in and into bed, a bit of an awkward tension fills the air because neither of us know what to do next. I probably should go back to the city to get ready for tomorrow, but I don’t know if I want to. No, I definitely don’t want to. I want to reschedule all of my meetings and to stay here for the night with Lola. If that’s what she wants. We’ve both admitted that we love one another now, but that’s all that we’ve said. I really think that we need to talk some more.
We move back to the outside area and slowly walk towards Lola’s cottage. Her hand reaches out and she grabs onto mine so she can pull her closer to me. “I don’t know if you want to,” she asks me quietly. “But do you want to come inside for a bit? I know you might need to get back, I just want to put the offer out there.”
“Yes,” I nod decisively while mentally planning out all the emails I’ll need to send. Now that I’m in control of the company, I can be the one who decides whether I pick career or love. Actually what I want is to be able to do both. “I would definitely like that.”
I suck in and hold a breath as Lola opens the door to the past that I also want to make my present. As the internal area of the cottage is revealed, all the memories become even more powerful and I’m left wondering how the hell I walked
away from all of this. Did I honestly believe that I would find another love anything like this? What a fool.
“Is this still the same too?” Lola asks with a grin as we go in. “I don’t think I’ve changed anything.”
“The cushions on your chairs are different.” I glance around, drinking it all in. I might love my home, but I adore it here too. Somehow it doesn’t feel like it’s too small even though it’s tiny. “And you have your guitar in a different place, but that’s it.”
Lola flops down on one of the chairs and I take the one opposite her. I lean on the arm of the chair and give her an intense look. Her red hair flops down over her face a little which just reminds me of all the wonderful sexy adventures we had that summer.
“So I suppose there are some things that we need to talk about. Don’t you think?” I ask her cautiously. “I know it feels like all we’ve done is talk this time around, but I think it’s fruitful for us to talk, don’t you?”
Lola laughs, but I can hear the strain behind the sound. She’s struggling with this just as much as I am. “Yeah, you got that right. But what? I’ve been trying to think about it all day long, and I don’t know how to make this any easier. All I want to do is dive into his head first, but we both have responsibilities.”
Broken: A Mountain Man's Romance Page 87