by Alec Waugh
“Of course ‘the Bull’ may be a jolly fine fellow and all that, but he does exceed the limit at times.”
Lovelace minor was speaking; it was the evening after the Dulbridge Match. The school had been beaten by twenty-seven points to three, by a much faster and heavier side. Meredith had been ill and could not play. Lovelace major had sprained his ankle in the first half, and though he had gone on playing was very little use. The match had all along been a foregone conclusion. But “the Bull” had lost his temper entirely.
Hunter, Mansell and Jeffries, a Colt, who ran a good chance of getting his House cap the next term, were discussing the matter. Gordon, who had come in to do Thucydides, was sitting in the background, a little shy and very interested.
“Is it true,” said Jeffries, “that your brother threatened to resign the captaincy if he did not keep quiet?”
“Yes. By Jove, my brother let him have it. That’s what ‘the Bull’ wants; he wants a fellow who’s not afraid of him to stand up against him. Fernhurst has been run by him long enough. He is a splendid fellow; and when he’s sane I almost love him. But he has become an absolute tyrant. Thank God, he can’t ride roughshod over my brother.”
Mansell here broke in. Mansell was rather fond of summing up.
“It’s like this. ‘The Bull’s’ a gorgeous fellow, he loves Fernhurst, he wants to love everyone in it. But he does not understand our House. We are not going to sweat ourselves to win some rotten Gym Cup or House Fives; we haven’t time for that. We are amateurs. We play the hardest footer and the keenest cricket of all the houses, and that’s where we stop. He wants us to train every minute, go for runs in the afternoon, do physical exercises before breakfast so as to become strong, clean-living Englishmen, who love their bodies and have some respect for their mind.” (A roar of laughter. It was as though ‘the Bull’ were speaking.) “Well, I don’t care a damn myself for my body or mind. All I know is that the House is going to get the Two Cock somehow, and that for six weeks we’ll train like Hades, and then, when we’ve got the cup, we’ll have a blind. We aren’t pros who train the whole year round; we’re amateurs!”
And Mansell was perhaps not far wrong.
“I say, you know,” says Hunter, who had a cheerful way of suddenly flying off at a tangent, “talking of ‘the Bull,’ have you heard of the row in his house?”
Intense enthusiasm. Buller’s was supposed to be “above suspicion.”
“Oh, well, old Bull came round the dormitories last night and heard Peters and Fischer and some other lads talking the most arrant filth. He gave them all six in pyjamas on the spot, and Fischer is not going to be allowed to be house captain next year. Rather a jest, you know. Old Bull thought because his house was always in wonderful training that the spirit of innocence ruled over the place.”
“Well, he must be an ass then,” said Mansell. “Why, look at Richmore, and Parry; and even old Johnson has little respect for a bourgeois morality.”
Mansell was rather pleased with the last phrase; he was not quite certain what it meant. G.K. Chesterton used it somewhere, probably in his apology for George IV. It sounded rather nice.
“Well, it’s obvious that a blood must be a bit of a rip; and Buller’s is merely an asylum for bloods!”
This rather perplexed Gordon. He ventured a question rather timidly: “But is it impossible for a blood to be a decent fellow?”
“Decent fellow?” cried Jeffries. “Who on earth has said they were anything else? Johnson’s a simply glorious man. Only a bit fast; and that doesn’t matter much.”
In a farewell lecture, Gordon’s preparatory school master had given him to believe that it mattered a good deal, but he was doubtless old-fashioned. Times were changed; Gordon had ceased to be shocked at what he heard; he was learning what life was, and how strange and beautiful and ugly it was.
As the winter term drew to a close, Gordon grew more and more sure of himself. He had passed by nearly all the other new boys. Foster, it is true, had got on well according to his lights, and was on more than friendly terms with Evans, the school slow bowler. But he was not much liked by his equals. Rudd was looked on quite rightly as an absolute buffoon; Collins got on fairly well, but was generally admitted to be a bit eccentric. Gordon was, without doubt, the pick of the crew. His position in form was a great help. Mansell’s friends thought him a cheerful, amusing and respectable-looking person, and were quite pleased to have him about the place. Next term he was going to have a study with Jeffries. The Chief thought he had got on rather too quick. But he was usually among the first three in his form, and there was nothing definite to find fault with, and, after all, his friends were excellent fellows. There was nothing against them. Jeffries was genially selfish, always ready for a rag, a keen footballer, and had, like most other Public School boys, adopted a convenient broadmindedness with regard to cribbing and other matters.
“If the master is such an arrant ass as to let you crib, it is his own lookout; and, after all, we take the sporting chance.”
Lovelace minor was rather a different sort of person. Very excitable, he despised and deceived most of the masters; among his friends he was unimpeachably loyal. He loved games, but never took them sufficiently seriously to please “the Bull.” He played for his own pleasure, not “the Bull’s.” He was a splendid companion.
Hunter was rather a nonentity; his chief attraction was that he usually had the last bit of scandal at his finger-tips; he was safe to be consulted on any point of school politics. It was his boast that he had sufficient evidence to expel half the Fifteen and the whole Eleven.
At this time Gordon found school life inexpressibly joyful. There were minor troubles, but they were few. The only thing that really worried him was Corps Parade. This infliction occurred once every week, and for two hours Gordon passed through hell. He was in a recruits’ section under a man from Rogers’ house, who was a typical product of his house. He was oily, yellow and unpleasant to look upon. He also loathed Gordon. There was a feud between the men from Rogers’ and the School House.
Rogers was the captain in command of the corps. To Gordon he seemed exactly like what Cicero must have been, loud, contentious, smashing down pasteboard castles with a terrific din. He was amazingly arrogant and conceited. In the pulpit and on the parade ground he was in his element. The School House had for years been notorious for their slackness on parade. In drill and musketry competitions they had invariably come out bottom, and Rogers hated them for it. It was indeed a great sight to see the School House half company at work. Everyone was fed to death, and took no pains to hide the fact. Once Rogers had said to the House colour-sergeant:
“Phillips, form up your men facing right.”
Phillips looked round at them, thought for a second or two and then drawled: “Look here, you fellows, shove round there.” And the subsequent sarcastic comment was quite lost on him. He was a good forward, but not too clever. He was proof against epigram.
It was truly a noble sight to see Lovelace minor come on parade. Every week exactly two seconds late, in the dead silence that followed the sergeant-major’s thundered “Parade!” he would dash through the school gate, puffing and blowing, his drum knocking against his equipment, his hat crooked, half his buttons undone. He would barge through two sections, rush to the School House half-company, bang his rifle on the ground, and say to his companion in a stage whisper: “I wasn’t noticed, was I?”
But these were only incidents. As a whole everything connected with the corps was “a hell upon earth.” Field days consisted of a long march, a sublime mix-up, a speech from Rogers, a bad tea, then a long march home. No one knew what was happening; no one cared. It was a sheer waste of time. Only Rogers really enjoyed himself.
Then suddenly it occurred to Clarke that such a state of affairs was a disgrace to the House. He had just been made a colour-sergeant, and determined to wake things up. He made a long speech to the House, pointing out the necessity for National Service, the importance o
f militarism, and its effect on citizenship. He finished by a patriotic outburst, telling them that they were wearing the King’s uniform, and that it must be kept clean, with the brass badges polished. The House was mildly interested; its attitude was summed up in Turner’s remark:
“The King’s uniform will have to go buttonless as far as I am concerned. Damned if I’ll waste twopence to buy a rotten bone button.”
On the next parade, however, Clarke inspected the company. Half the House had to call him the next morning, dressed properly, at seven o’clock. That would mean getting up at six-thirty. General consternation.
“It’s a crying scandal,” said Lovelace minor. “If I had not been reported for slacking at French I’d jolly well go and complain to the Chief. How can anyone play football without proper sleep?”
Gordon laughed from the depths of his arm-chair. There were advantages in being a recruit, even if one was ordered about by a man in Rogers’ who didn’t wash. Hunter and Jeffries raged furiously; they swore that they would not turn up. “Who is Clarke, damn his eyes, to take on the privileges of a brigadier-general? It’s a House tradition that no one tries at parade.”
Overnight Hunter was very full of rebellion; but seven o’clock saw him in shining brass, meekly standing before Clarke, who examined them from his bed with an electric torch. But Jeffries cut; he was ever “agin the government.” He got six. His tunic was clean next week. The House growled and cursed inwardly, but its appearance on parade was very different. Clarke was a man.
There is nothing so self-satisfying as to watch trouble from a safe distance. Gordon was thoroughly happy. Mansell cursed heavily every Monday night before the Tuesday parade. Clarke became to the House what Cromwell was to Ireland; even the feeble Davenham thought it was a bit thick. But Gordon was a recruit, and such things did not worry him. Life was just then amazingly exciting. He was developing into quite a useful forward. Mansell said he was certain for a place in the House Thirds side. He was high up in form, and there was a good chance of his getting a prize, but what perhaps counted more than anything else was the fact that he was getting a position in the House. Prefects had ceased to ask him what his name was. He was no longer a nonentity; he was looked on as a coming man.
As the term wore on, the thought of exams, brought to Gordon only a feeling of excitement. There was little likelihood of disaster; there was the certainty of a good struggle for the first place between himself and one Walford, a dull though industrious outhouse individual. But to some of his friends exams, seemed as the day of reckoning. Lovelace minor was frankly at his wits’ end. He had slacked most abominably the whole term. He had prepared none of his books, and his next-door neighbour had supplied him with all necessary information. Now the news was about that IV. B was going to sit with the Sixth Form for exams. Terror reigned. There could be no cribbing under the Chief’s nose. Jeffries was in the same plight; but he was a philosopher. “If I get bottled in every paper,” he said, “it will only mean about two hours’ work on each subject. But if I am going to know enough to avoid being bottled, it will mean a good eight hours’ work at each subject: six hours wasted on each. In these times of bustle it can’t be done. Caruthers, pass me that red-backed novel on the second shelf!”
Lovelace, however, was perturbed, and set out to prepare himself for the ordeal. But his was a temperament that forbade application on any subject other than horse racing. Every night he paced up and down the study passages getting hints first from one person then another, and always staying for a talk. By the end of preparation the result was always the same—nothing done; and he and Jeffries both spent the last Saturday in exactly the same way.
But with Mansell it was different. If he got a promotion his pater had promised him a motor bike. At first sight this seemed impossible. Hunter in fact laid a hundred to one against his chances. But for once Mansell really tried at something besides games. For two halls he worked solidly from seven till ten, preparing small slips of paper that contained all the notes he could find in Gordon’s notebook, and that could fit conveniently into the back of a watch. Everything was in his favour. Claremont was taking exams. The first paper was Old Testament history. Mansell looked at his watch repeatedly; but suddenly he came to an unexpected question. He endeavoured to extract an answer from the man on his right.
Claremont spotted him.
“Well, Mansell, if I ask you if you are cribbing, I know you will deny it, and I don’t want you to tell me a lie; but I must beg of you not to talk quite so loudly.”
Any ordinary master would have torn up the boy’s paper. But Claremont was getting old.
At any rate for the rest of the exams. Mansell relied entirely on his notes. The Greek translation paper, however, was more than he could do. Promotion did not count on a set subject, but only on English and Latin; so Greek had gone by the board. After writing the most amazing nonsense for two hours, Mansell decided that it was wiser not to enter into competition at all with those low tricksters who had prepared their work. He showed up no papers at all.
Next day Claremont corrected the papers.
“Well, Mansell, I can’t find your paper anywhere.”
“I showed it up, sir.”
“Well, I am sure I don’t know where it is. You had better go and find Mr Douglas, and ask him if he knows anything about it.”
Mr Douglas was the mathematical master, to whom all marks were sent. He added them up, and made out the orders.
After an unnecessarily long interval Mansell returned.
“I am sorry, sir; Mr Douglas has not seen them.”
“Well, I suppose it must be all my fault. I shall have to give you an average on your papers, which, strange to say; have been, for you, remarkably good.”
Mansell was averaged sixth for the paper. A real good bluff gives more pleasure than all the honest exercises of one’s life put together.
There was laughter in No. 16 Study that evening. A few weeks ago Gordon would have been horrified at such a thing; but now it seemed a splendid jest. He would not have cribbed himself. He preferred to beat a man with his own brains, though Mansell would have protested that it was a greater effort to pit one’s brains against a master long trained in spotting tricks than against some dull-headed scholar. The Public School system, at any rate, teaches its sons the art of framing very ingenious theories with which to defend their faults; a negative virtue, perhaps, but none the less an achievement.
The last days of term were now drawing in. The House supper was only a few days off and the holidays very close. Everyone was glad on the whole to have finished the Christmas term, which is invariably the worst of the three. And this year it had not been improved by Clarke’s military activities and the feeling of unrest that overhung the doings of the Fifteen, because of Lovelace major’s never-ending broils with “the Bull.” Two strong men both wanted their own way. On the whole, honours were even, though, if anything, slightly in Lovelace’s favour, since he had filled up the scrum with a School House forward and a member of Benson’s, a small and rather insignificant House, instead of giving the colours to men in Buller’s.
But next term there would be fewer rows. There would be house matches, and each house captain would run things in his own house as he wished. The school captain did little except post up which grounds each house was to occupy. The School House always longed for the Easter term. It was their chance of showing the rest of the school what they were made of. As they were slightly bigger than any other house, they claimed the honour of playing the three best of the outhouses in the great Three Cock House Match for the Senior Challenge Cup. This year, with Lovelace and Meredith, a School House victory was looked on as almost certain. Besides this big event there were the Two Cock and Thirds House Match. In the “Thirds” the School House under sixteen house side played against the two best of the outhouses under sixteen sides, for the Thirds Challenge Cup. And in the Two Cock, the second House Fifteen—that is, the House Fifteen minus those with first and
second Fifteen colours—played the two best of the outhouse second Fifteens for the Junior Challenge Cup. The results of these last two matches were very much on the knees of the gods. The House stood a fair chance, but the general opinion was that Buller’s would win the Thirds; and Christy’s, a house that was full of average players who were too slack to get their seconds, would pull off the Two Cock. At any rate, there would be no lack of excitement. There was always far more keenness shown about house matches than school matches, a fact which worried Buller immensely. He thought everything should be secondary to the interests of Fernhurst.
On the last Saturday of the term there was the House Supper. It was a noble affair. The bloods wore evening dress; even the untidiest junior oiled his hair and put on a clean collar. At the Sixth Form table sat the Chief, some guests, Lovelace, Clarke, and a certain Ferguson, who edited The Fernhurst School Magazine, and was to propose the health of the old boys, of whom about twenty had come down, several having helped to defeat the school by twenty points to sixteen in the afternoon. Never had so much food been seen before. Turner had boasted that he always went into training a week before the event, so as to enjoy it more. But the real triumph was the hot punch. As soon as dessert had begun the old boys trooped out, and brought in a huge steaming bowl of punch, from which they filled all the glasses. Gordon did not like it much. It seemed very hot and strong. But everyone else seemed to. Jeffries got a little excited.
Then speeches followed. The Chief proposed the fortune of the House, Clarke answered him. There was the usual applause and clapping. But the real event was Lovelace’s speech. It had been a year of great success. The Three Cock had been lost by only a very small margin. The Two Cock had been won in a walk-over, and the Thirds by two points. The Senior Cricket and the Sports Cup had also been won. It was very nearly a record year. Lovelace was received with terrific applause; he congratulated the House on its performance; he mentioned individual names; each was the signal for a roar of cheering; and then, at the end, he said: