by Melody Anne
I collapsed against her, both of us panting.
She held me close, our bodies still connected, her fingers running through my hair. I kissed her neck, loving her so much in that moment I didn’t think it would be possible for that feeling to dull.
It took some time for our breathing to normalize. Finally I realized I had to be crushing her. I also realized she hadn’t had quite as happy an ending as I had. I wasn’t sure what to do next.
“That was amazing.” I pulled her to me as I switched over to my back. “Did you like it?” I asked.
A giggle escaped her, but the sound seemed off. I waited.
“It actually hurt. I’m a little sore . . . you know . . . in there,” she said, making me feel like the biggest asshole to ever exist.
“Did I hurt you?” I knew the initial feel of me going in had hurt, but everything I’d read about said it was quick and soon over. I really had thought she’d been enjoying it after that first thrust. I was a moron. Then she stopped me from internally berating myself with her next question.
“Have you . . . have you done that before?”
I felt terror seize me. I didn’t want to lose her, didn’t want her to be disgusted with me. I was thinking hard about how I wanted to answer her. Why did it have to be a sin to have had sex with other people? Why did I have to feel dirty about it? Obviously people had sex. There’d be no babies if they didn’t. Animals didn’t hide their heads in shame after they did it. Hell, animals didn’t hide to do it, they just got it on whenever the need hit them.
Maybe I didn’t want to take sex quite that far. I liked privacy. But I shouldn’t feel shame for having sex with multiple people. It was a natural act. It was something I was going to come back to over and over again in my life.
I decided to give her a piece of truth without telling her the entire story. “Yeah, but she was older and knew what she was doing, and it was different. I didn’t love her.” That had been how it was the first time I had sex. It had been scary and amazing at the same time.
The woman had been ten years older and she’d known exactly how to excite me. I’d done it with her a few times before we’d both decided we were done. I still think of her sometimes.
“So this probably wasn’t good for you,” she said. She looked as if she was about to cry. I needed to make her feel better.
“No!” I assured her. It had been wonderful for me. Not just the sex, but the fact that the sex was with her. I wanted to make sure she understood how amazing that truly was. “I love you, Miranda. What we did was beautiful.” I cupped her smooth face in my large hand so she couldn’t look away from me. I wanted her to see the truth in my eyes.
She smiled. “Okay. I’m glad we did it.”
I leaned over and kissed her gently. We were both silent for several moments. Then I remembered I still hadn’t pleased her. I was determined to fumble my way through it to make sure she was just as pleasured as I was.
“Do you want me to . . . um . . . to try to make it feel good for you?” As soon as the words passed my stupid lips I felt like an utter moron. I could have said that much more smoothly. I could have done it a million different ways. But no, I had to sound like a typical teenage boy.
I wasn’t surprised saying the words made my body wake up. I grew hard again, and I pushed my hips against her leg, making sure she was more than aware I could go again.
I might have been able to go again and again with her. She turned me on that much.
“I think we should wait. I still hurt,” she told me. Utter disappointment filled me, but I understood, or at least I tried to understand. I was a teenage boy engineered more by hormones than empathy.
“Of course. I’m stupid,” I told her after a long pause. I hoped I sounded sincere.
“No, you’re wonderful,” she told me. I instantly felt on top of the world again.
We stayed in our perfect cocoon for another hour. I enjoyed caressing her and loved even more when her sweet fingers ran across my skin. I wanted her again, wanted her desperately, but I assured myself we’d now do it over and over again. We’d made the leap and we wouldn’t have to go back.
That night I didn’t think it was possible to imagine a day I wouldn’t desire her. I didn’t think it was possible for my feelings to change. I didn’t understand the realities of the world that sank in around a person.
I didn’t realize young love could change, feelings could change, our entire lives could change. I don’t think I would’ve done anything different even if I had known what I know now. Because that was my perfect time with the girl I loved.
She’d always be the one. The first love, the first awakening. There was a lot of bad to come, but for now she was my world. Maybe that wouldn’t change, not even when we grew apart, not even when we went our separate ways.
Chapter Six
It’s a mystery how things can change in the blink of an eye. I’m not saying that to excuse what came next; I’m just saying one small decision can change our entire future.
I graduated from high school. That seems like such a long time ago. I was a different person then. Miranda and I had been inseparable for a year. I felt as if I couldn’t live without her.
Slowly that changed. I’m not exactly sure why. Maybe it was because of my family. Maybe it was a growing restlessness inside me. I don’t know. But I graduated, and I had a company I had to decide what to do with.
I didn’t want to run a company. I wanted to be an artist. I’d been playing with my art for years, but there was a yearning inside me, pulling me in that direction. I left Miranda and went back to California to decide what my future would be.
The first week I was gone I called her multiple times every day. I missed her. But as I hung out with my old friends and spent time at the corporation my father had built, I stopped thinking of her so much. I stopped calling. And she didn’t call me.
Then Bella stepped back into my life . . .
My ex-girlfriend. The girl I hadn’t thought I cared about. I’m not sure if I cared, but she’d thrown me away, and I had something to prove. When she found me, I was cool and casual, making sure she was aware I hadn’t thought about her, making sure she knew there was nothing between us.
We stayed like that for a couple weeks until she found me on my family’s private beach . . . and she stripped off her clothes and dove into the ocean. I could’ve walked away, left right then and there. But instead I joined her.
Bella Dufre and I had been in a rocky relationship for over a year before I left California. My family and hers had been friends since before we were born. She was the girl my mother had hoped I’d marry. It was easy to fall back into something resembling a relationship with the girl I’d thought meant so much to me.
But I knew it was nothing more than a summer fling. Guilt ate at me knowing Miranda was back in Oregon. Long distance relationships didn’t work, and I wasn’t sure if I’d go back to Oregon. I tried assuring myself I was doing nothing wrong.
But as days turned into weeks, then months, and summer disappeared, I felt empty. I didn’t belong in California anymore. And while I desired Bella, I felt nothing for her.
It was physical. That’s all it was. I knew life was supposed to be about more than that. If I stayed in California, ran my father’s business, and married Bella I’d be lost forever. I suddenly knew that beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Bella begged me not to go. She said she’d missed me. That I could run the company and we could be happy together. This time I was the one to walk away from her without any remorse.
I sold the company to my uncle. I knew I was going back to Oregon. I knew I needed to figure out the rest of my life. I left California without regrets.
When I returned home, Miranda was a bit distant at first, and then it was as if we’d never been apart. Being with her was so easy. I took some art courses at the local college and t
hrew myself into painting. I wanted to see if that really was what I wanted to do.
My mother changed. Instead of berating me for my choices, she would come into my studio, praising me for following my dreams. As I painted, she’d sit and tell me about her life, about how she’d given up everything and was sorry she’d tried making me into someone else.
I grew closer to her that year. I felt I needed to take care of her. She’d sacrificed so much for me and my sister. Maybe it was time I did the same for her. Maybe it was time I stopped being selfish.
Miranda graduated, and I had an opportunity to do an internship with a fantastic artist. This time it was harder to walk away from her, but I had a future to think about. There were tears on her graduation day, and we made love for hours.
This time when I left I truly missed her.
But then Bella found me again. I was on the cusp of my life. I was trying to decide what my future would bring. I was trying to decide who was right for me. I spent a couple of months with Bella and felt nothing but emptiness. I couldn’t figure out which direction I wanted to go. In the end there really wasn’t a choice.
I came back to Miranda. She was cold and distant. I’d hurt her. I never confessed to being with my old girlfriend. That would weigh on me for years to come, but I didn’t see the point in hurting her more than I already had.
I took her to the same beach we’d made love at for the first time. I proposed.
She said yes.
I should have felt tremendous joy in that moment, and I did feel pleasure. But I also felt as if I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I was lost, unsure of what I wanted in life. I was unsure of so much.
But I always ran back to Miranda, so I convinced myself that was where I was supposed to be.
In the end I think I damned us both.
Chapter Seven
As if I somehow knew that if Miranda and I didn’t marry quickly, it wouldn’t happen at all, we rushed the wedding. It took less than a year for everything to be complete. I wanted it faster than that, but my mother insisted on doing it right.
Years later I realized that maybe she was hoping I’d change my mind. It wasn’t that she didn’t like Miranda. It was just that we were both so young, and she knew we would grow up and evolve. She knew we were being impulsive. She knew the chances of failure were high. She was right. At the time I didn’t believe that.
But she didn’t try to stop us.
Far from putting up roadblocks, she helped Miranda every step of the way in planning a perfect wedding. I didn’t care about the flowers or decorations. I didn’t care what the cake tasted like. I didn’t even care about the music. I just wanted to make Miranda mine . . . and make me hers. I didn’t want to feel the need to run away again.
Our wedding day came.
And so did Bella.
I was alone in my dressing room and more nervous than I realized. People had been surrounding me for seventy-two hours straight, and I needed a few minutes alone. This was just a wedding, but it was insane what a production it had become.
I was twenty-one. A part of me told me to run; we were making a mistake. I had looked up blogs and knew many spouses had felt this same urge on their wedding day.
This was only one day of my life, and then the production was over. After that I’d have Miranda at my side every day. I’d paint, she’d pursue her dreams, and we’d grow old together. Our lives would be perfect in every way.
I smile now at that thought. I wish I could still think that way. If only every hurdle in life was so easy to jump. Life wasn’t supposed to be perfect. It was supposed to come with messiness and drama and excitement and boredom. It wasn’t meant to be easy.
I had my back to the door and was irritated when it opened. I’d asked for a few minutes alone. I didn’t think that was too much to ask for. Maybe if I ignored whoever was there, they’d take the hint and walk back out.
“You’ve always looked spectacular in a tux.”
The low, sultry voice came closer as the words were spoken. My entire body tensed. Slowly I turned. Bella stood before me in a blue dress clinging to her luscious curves. She had always been a beautiful woman — and time hadn’t changed that.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, my voice cold.
She stepped closer, and I backed away. I didn’t like retreating, but I figured that was the safest option for both Miranda and me.
“My invitation must have been lost in the mail,” she said with a laugh. There was zero merriment in her expression.
“You are my past, Bella. You need to stay there,” I told her.
She didn’t so much as blink at my cruel words. She slowly stalked toward me. I quit backing away. I wasn’t giving her that much power. She stopped with only inches separating our bodies. Her delicate hands raised, and she adjusted my tie. My body was tense.
“It’s not over between us, Mason,” she said, her red lips tilting up before parting. Her tongue traced her bottom lip before she smiled again.
I couldn’t help but react to her. The last time we’d been together she’d grown as a lover. She was more creative than she’d been when we were teens. She was very aware of her curves, and she knew how to please a man.
Her hand moved up to my cheek and her thumbnail traced my lips. I glared at her before taking her wrist and pushing her hand away.
“Yes, it’s over. I need you to leave. I don’t want Miranda to know anything about you,” I told her.
She smiled again before closing the gap between us, pushing her ample breasts into my chest. I inhaled, her perfume surrounding me. If anyone walked into the room at this moment it would be a disaster.
“Why don’t you and I get out of here, Mason. It’s not too late,” she said, her breath whispering across my lips.
Already I’d had doubts about this wedding, and now I had this temptation thrown in on top of it. And Bella was a definite temptation. She was beautiful and sexy and her entire aim in life was to please a man. She was also cold and calculating.
“We’re done, Bella,” I said, meaning it. Yes, I still desired this woman, but not enough to leave Miranda, not enough to change my future.
She leaned into me and kissed me. I was a statue in front of her. I didn’t give her the satisfaction of any reaction at all. I watched momentary disappointment flare in her eyes.
“I guess I’ll take my seat. You’ll know where to find me,” she said when I still said nothing.
She kissed my lips one more time before turning. Her hips swayed as she walked from the room. I didn’t move for several moments. I was furious.
Finally I turned and moved to the mirror, disgusted when I found her red lipstick staining my lips. I grabbed a handkerchief and scrubbed it away. It felt like a permanent stain that wouldn’t leave. Would Miranda see it when she met me at the head of that aisle?
I wiped my mouth again. Then with disgust I threw the cloth in the garbage can. My door opened once more and my entire body tensed.
“Was that Bella I saw coming out of here?”
I let out a breath of relief as my best friend moved toward me.
“Yeah, it was,” I said.
Tony’s eyes were wide as he looked from me to the shut door as if my ex was going to walk back through it at any minute.
“Damn, brother, need to talk?” he asked.
The tension finally began leaving my body.
“No. I want to get married,” I told him.
Tony smiled before thumping me on the back.
I was doing the right thing, I convinced myself. It was time to wait for my bride.
When she walked through the doors she was a vision in her white dress with her hair up in some complicated knot with ringlets framing her face. She looked young and fresh and absolutely beautiful and innocent.
She was so different from Bella in all the bes
t ways. I hated that my ex was out there somewhere tainting this perfect day for my beautiful bride.
“Last chance to run,” Tony whispered as Miranda walked beside her father down the aisle.
I briefly glanced at my best friend, long enough to give him a death glare. My eyes were drawn back to my soon-to-be bride. I had no doubt I was doing the right thing.
She looked radiant and just as scared as I was. That somehow made me feel better. We were young, and we were jumping into this quickly, but we loved each other. The rest could be worked out over time.
Or so I thought.
The ceremony was a blur. The reception went by quickly. There was food and dancing and laughter. There were toasts and drinking.
Bella was there, making me nervous. She lingered in the shadows, making sure I could see her. At one point I saw her with my mother. I steered Miranda away from them. I didn’t want Miranda to meet my ex. I didn’t want her to know how close I’d come to leaving her and settling back in with the girl I was supposed to someday marry.
We left the reception early. I needed to be alone with my wife — I needed to be away from Bella and the past.
Chapter Eight
The moment we stepped inside our bedroom on our wedding night I was lost. I wanted Miranda with a desperation I’d never felt before. She was mine — mine forever. There were no thoughts of Bella as I slowly lowered Miranda from my arms.
I trailed my fingers down her back, over the top of her butt and back again, making her shiver. I wanted to worship her all night long. I wanted to make her cry out over and over again. I wanted it all and I wanted it with this woman.
I was taking too long gazing at her. She looked at me with her innocent eyes, and I was amazed she could still look that way. We’d been through a lot together, and I think the thing I loved most about her was her naiveté. She wasn’t hardened to the world. There was no shell around her.