by Shey Stahl
What you once believed in, you don’t anymore. What you once loved, maybe you don’t anymore. What you never thought was possible had suddenly became possible in those 365 days, 52 weeks, 8,765 hours, or in those 525,948 minutes of the best and worst year of your life.
“I can’t believe we’re parents now.” I said softly leaning my head against his chest.
Listening to his steady slow breathing I traced the planes of his chest, remembering what we had been through to get to right now. It may have been one of the best years and the worst years of my life mended together but the reality of it was this, lying in a hospital bed with my dirty heathen and my flailing adorable spaz.
I was one proud Mama Wizard.
Jameson stroked my face. “Me either...I’m actually a little worried about it. We don’t have a clue what we’re doing.” He told me with a wary expression he’d had a lot these last few days.
The truth was—we didn’t have a clue.
I glanced over at the parenting books on the metal tray next to me.
“We should read those.” I looked up at him and I almost burst out laughing at his expression of complete disgust.
He groaned.
“Those books don’t make any sense. Who wrote them anyway?” his eyebrow arched. “I bet they don’t even have kids.”
“Did you even read them?”
“Well...kind of.” He grinned. “I’m more of a hands on type of guy,” He leaned back against the bed with his fingers linked behind his head and an amused look on his face.
“Since you’re so hands on,” I handed him the baby. “I think he needs a diaper change.”
You could literally see the blood drain from his face.
“I haven’t had to change him yet...mom did it earlier and then the nurse.”
“You said you were hands on...get to it.”
He took Axel in his arms gingerly. “Seriously?”
“Yes...I can’t get up.”
Jameson had this look on his face as if I’d just asked him to commit a murder with me. Slowly he turned on his heel and placed the baby on the changing table.
I could get up but I was being lazy, not to mention I felt similar to that Michelin Tire guy, the only difference being my rolls were fat, his were tires, I think.
I couldn’t believe how everything turned to a jelly like substance after the baby came out. Why can’t that just come out with the baby? This was something I’ll never understand I guess. Now I understand why plastic surgeons are so busy with tummy tucks.
“Where are your diapers little man?” Jameson asked Axel in the cutest voice I think I’ve ever heard him use.
Axel simply let out a whimper again but didn’t cry as Jameson began to change his diaper, all the while providing the baby with a commentary of what he was doing, which I found incredibly enduring.
Watching my husband with our son was probably right up there with feeling him touch my stomach while I was pregnant. I felt unbelievably close to him now.
All those years of being his pit lizard, I was so much more now. I was Mama Wizard.
Jameson, as though he could hear my thoughts, tilted his head at me with a wink.
I giggled when he held Axel up and the blanket fell off, leaving him in just his diaper, blinking at Jameson. I almost said, “Hey look, he blinks!” but didn’t.
“What are you doing?”
“Putting clothes on him,”
“It’d help if you actually had clothes—that’s a receiving blanket.”
Jameson held up the blanket, examining it. “Well no wonder I couldn’t find the arm holes.”
I giggled again and reached for the parenting books.
Our families stayed away that night and let us enjoy our baby together, alone. The nurse insisted we shouldn’t sleep with the baby, in fear we’d squish him.
Did we listen? No, we slept in bed together, all three of us.
Being a mother is something incredible.
Aside from the physical abuse they put you through in the beginning then there are the late night cravings. The smells of awful gas that you thought could never come from you. The bloating, the gaining weight, mood swings, swelling, tiredness...shall I continue?
And then you have labor that quite literally made me rethink my gender selection.
What the fuck went wrong there?
Regardless, after that horrendous experience, you are handed this child. A brand new child. One that’s never had to experience all the wrong that can happen in the world.
I’ve heard people tell me that the child you have is the one you were meant to have.
Did the child know that?
Or was it something where when they were assigning parental units, he got the short stick?
I honestly don’t think he would have chosen me willingly.
All that aside, I was handed a baby and expected not to ruin it.
I also couldn’t understand why they didn’t come with a manual. A car, any electronic device, hell, even my toaster comes with a fucking manual. Why couldn’t a child?
So there you are...sweating like a pro wrestler and staring down at this tiny child who drew the short stick and hoping he couldn’t sense the fear. And then their eyes open and you see all those fears slip away.
After all, they are new. There was plenty of time to brainwash them into thinking you do know what you’re doing.
The next morning our families arrived. This was another scenario where the result was not at all positive.
Five minutes after Alley and Spencer arrived with Lane, Jameson and Spencer were arguing about a football game on the TV, Alley was holding Axel and cooing non-stop to the point where it was actually annoying me and Lane was being the cool little dude he was and making sure I had everything I needed. That part was enjoyable.
“Do you need ice?” he asked ready to run to get it.
I looked at the full pitcher of ice and smiled at him. “You know...I think I could use a little more buddy.”
He smiled and off he went to find more.
What was not enjoyable was the fact that I just wanted to sleep, in my own bed. I had also started breastfeeding and Axel being just like Jameson in every possible way, wanted to eat non-stop.
Shit went south when Emma showed up with a stuffed cougar for Axel. Jameson kicked her out, which damn near caused a fistfight between him and Aiden and then Spencer got involved in. All three of them had to be escorted out by security.
Tommy, holding a bundle of flowers, stopped by as Jameson chatted with security.
Leaning forward, he kissed my forehead and snuck a glance at the baby in Alley’s arms.
“He sure is cute.”
“Thanks.” I smiled up at him adjusting my blankets. Tommy was not seeing the foodbags.
“Here,” Alley offered. “hold him.”
I laughed a little when he nervously held his arms as Alley handed Axel to him.
“We definitely know who the father is.” Tommy laughed looking Axel’s loops of rusty locks.
“Yeah, there’s no denying that color.”
“You know,” he whispered when Alley began talking on her cell phone. “I’m really happy for the two of you. I was beginning to think I was going to need to knock some sense into you two.”
I smiled. It was funny to me that everyone around us saw the changes occurring over the years between Jameson and me, but we ignored it.
An hour later, Jameson came back with ice cream and chocolate.
Of course, I forgave him. He had chocolate. I also thought the fight was somewhat entertaining.
It wasn’t long and I was feeling like I hadn’t gotten the chance to snuggle with my son. It’d been a full twenty-four hours since he was born and I think I’d gotten to hold him for maybe an hour. He’d been passed around so much I thought for sure he’d have motion sickness.
Jimi and Nancy couldn’t believe how much Axel resembled Jameson as an infant. He even had the same scowl when things didn’t go his w
ay, which happened a lot. I wanted to tell him, “If you think this sucks kid wait until we take you home. At least there’s supervision here.”
When I finally did get to hold him, I spent hours surveying him. I memorized every little detail about him from his rusty loops of hair, his adorable chubby cheeks, his cute button nose, his long fingers and the tiny little rolls on his legs. Everything about him was perfect and we created him.
It was hard to believe that what started out as complicated ended in this perfect little being.
For only being born at 34-weeks, he was incredibly healthy, tiny, but healthy.
Aside from when he was delivered, we’d yet to hear him cry. The nurses assured us everything was fine but it just seemed strange to me that a baby wouldn’t cry. Even when he was hungry, he just simply let out an adorable flailing whimper.
Charlie came later that night and Jameson stepped out with Van to get a real meal.
I loved that him and Van went out together. Van spent his fair share of time holding Axel as well, which sent me into a full-blown emotional shit storm. Much like the time I decided to watch Father of the Bride and the day Jameson and I got married.
I couldn’t imagine how he must feel seeing us together as a family, knowing his was gone.
All this reminded me of the fact that the man currently holding my baby, was dying. In the days following the wedding, Charlie’s appearance was shocking. He was losing incredible amounts of weight, his eyes had dark circles under them and some days he couldn’t even form a complete sentence.
Today was a good day.
“He is beautiful, Sway.”
“He is, isn’t he?” I gleamed. I was one proud mama wizard.
“You havin’ more?”
“I think I’ll wait until I’ve actually left the hospital before that happens.” I told him with the same enthusiasm I exuded after being told I had to go through labor in the first place.
I knew Jameson and I’d probably have more, after all, we did make one adorable flailing spaz.
“Don’t worry Axel Charles,” Charlie assured him. “your parents are crazy but they’re pretty cool.”
Axel stared at him as though he knew he was in for an interesting life.
Of course, I started crying watching my son and father bonding. I was emotional. I cried at everything the last day or so. I thought this would have ended when he was born but no such luck, it was worse.
The following day I was released to go home, which was awesome. I hated staying in the hospital after having to spend so much time in one when I was pregnant with Axel.
Leaving was another story altogether.
It took Jameson, Spencer, Aiden and Van to figure out how to put the goddamn car seat in the Expedition. How this was so complicated was beyond me.
Once in the car and ready to go, Jameson was the doting father he’d become these last few days and had Axel so bundled up from the snow that I couldn’t see anything but his tiny eyes.
“I think he’s too hot.” I told Jameson when he started the car.
Jameson turned around to look at us in the backseat. “Nah...he’s toasty.”
“His little cheeks are red.”
“Cause he’s toasty. I’d rather be toasty then cold.”
“How do you know that’s what he’d want...maybe he likes the cold?” I suggested.
“No...he doesn’t.” he said evenly. “Now let’s go.”
He then proceeded to pull onto Ensign Road at five miles per hour. Here was a NASCAR Champion driving five miles per hour because his infant son was in the car...how ironic is that?
I made him stop at Norma’s on the way home so I could get a hamburger. I was starving from that ridiculous shit they called food in the hospital. I was actually amazed some people didn’t die just from ingesting that shit.
When we pulled into our driveway on Summit Lake, our entire goddamn family was waiting for us.
Jameson and I just sat inside the car for a few minutes watching them before Jameson turned around to look at us in the back seat.
“We’re never going to get them to leave, you know that right?”
“Let’s just play nice, for now.”
“So you say...I’m tired.” His head fell against the steering wheel. “This has been exhausting. I just want to go to bed.”
“Really?” I challenged smacking the back of his head.
“Sorry.” He replied softly ignoring my eye contact.
“That’s what I thought. Now help us out.”
With the help of my annoyingly protective husband, we made it inside the house and prepared ourselves for an evening with our family.
Jimi and Nancy brought over Papa John’s pizza for everyone. I think I devoured half a damn box just by myself.
“Go get Lucas.” I told Jameson after I finished feeding and changing Axel for the third time tonight.
Axel was constantly hungry and then constantly pooping. It was an endless cycle. Most parents say, be prepared for no sleep. Well they should warn you that when they are awake, all they do is shit and eat.
Occasionally they cry.
“Why?” Jameson looked at me confused, his eyes following Lucas down the hall.
“He’s wearing my maternity bra.” I told him rocking Axel in his room. “It’s weird.”
Jameson took off to find Lucas.
I was not impressed with Logan and Lucas that evening. They were either crying or laughing. I couldn’t understand how two six-year old kids could be so annoying.
Around nine that night, everyone finally left and we were once again alone with the baby.
You know that feeling you get when everything is right in the world; you’re calm and collected?
That was not us at all, especially when it came time to bath him that night. Andrea and Nancy offered to stay but we were adamant that we could do this on our own.
Half way through the bath, I was ready to call them.
We had more soap and water on us than the baby, and let me tell you, we had an abundance of water and entirely too much soap for one baby.
Poor Axel just whimpered away. It was evident he sensed we had no idea what we were doing.
“You have got too much soap on him.” I told Jameson while he tried to wash his baby boy parts.
“No I don’t.”
“Yes...yes you do.”
“No I don’t.” he stated firmly turning to glare at me holding our soapy baby in the air.
What did Axel do? He peed mid-air all over Jameson.
This made me happy.
“Apparently you’ll need more soap.” I told him handing over the soap giggling hysterically.
My giggling turned to shrieking when Jameson turned Axel on me.
I was now the one being peed on while Jameson laughed his ass off. This made me unhappy.
“Whhaa...whhaa...” Axel started crying and momentarily shocked us.
I say momentarily because he was still peeing on us.
“See...he doesn’t like his mommy peed on.” I smiled at both of them holding a towel up to cover the stream.
“I’m sorry little man,” Jameson set him back in the water. “mommy asked for it.” He turned to look over at me, amused. “Husband one. Wife zero.”
“Oh hell no, we’re not starting that again.”
“Yes...yes we are.”
For being only four days old, Axel made the most expressive faces. The one he was currently making made me smile. It was a set scowl at Jameson, and kind of resembled the one Jameson gave most people. He wasn’t impressed with our argument. I guess I wouldn’t be either if I was naked in a bath and the two people who were supposed to be washing me were arguing.
Eventually we finished the bathing ritual. I couldn’t believe how much work these tiny humans were.
So far, today I got up, fed him, burped him, changed him and then rocked him to sleep. I must have done that ten times.
Once I finished up and he was asleep for a nap, it started all
over again a few hours later.
It was exhausting. I felt bad for women who have twins or triplets or worse, six babies.
What were they thinking?
I didn’t get any better at being a new mommy. In fact, I think it took a turn for the worst after a few days. I couldn’t understand where the normal version of me had disappeared to. It was like she was on vacation.
“Is that normal?” Jameson asked me.
“Is what normal?”
“The crying...it can’t be normal,” he ran his hand over the back of his neck. “can it?”
“What the fuck did you think was going to happen when we had the baby?” I snapped. “They cry.”
“Well,” he lifted my chin for me to look at him, tears falling down my cheeks. “I would expect it from the child...not from you.”
“I’m sorry!” I wailed. “I have no clue what I’m doing and neither do you!” the baby’s diaper was on backward, how that was possible was beyond me, you’d think he would have noticed when he put the straps on. This was our fifth day of being parents and one would think we would have been getting into the swing of things, but no. “I’m so tired. Last night...I tried to breastfeed Mr. Jangles thinking it was the baby, imagine my surprise when I felt fur and him purring. I just need sleep!”
What did Jameson do? He started laughing.
“At least you didn’t try to breast feed me,” his face became completely serious. “That would have been...” he paused for a moment. “Awkward.”
I slapped his shoulder. “Can’t you breastfeed? I need some sleep.”
“Not happening. I don’t care if Aiden thinks he can. I’m not doing it.” He told me taking the baby from me while I continued to cry. “But I will feed him the milk you’ve been pumping.” He offered looking down at me as I fixed my bra, gazing at the enormous foodbags. “They’re huge.”
“Don’t remind me.” I pushed them together for fun. “They resemble Dolly Pardon’s breasts, only full of milk.”
Jameson just laughed and carried Axel out of our room so I could get some sleep in our new Egyptian cotton sheets Emma purchased for us.
And if you’ve never slept on Egyptian cotton sheets, you’re missing out.