by Jess Bryant
“I know. I’m just trying to figure out how to explain it. I don’t understand why I did it myself most days so…” He shoved a hand through his hair and sighed, “There weren’t many good days in my childhood. Most of the stuff I remember, its Decker drunk and stomping all over everything. The twins cowering with fear. Chrissy… she uh… you know…”
“Yeah I know.” Rachel found his hand and twined their fingers.
“Well, there was this one day that I’ll never forget because amid all the darkness it was… perfect. We were all over at Aunt Mary’s house. That’s my Uncle Duke’s wife. Do you know her?”
Rachel shook her head, “No but I’ve heard of her. She’s pretty reclusive, right?”
“Yeah. Only leaves her house to go to church I think. She’s very religious which is hilarious considering she married Duke Bomar.” He shrugged, “I don’t know the whole story but suffice to say, she got pregnant and her father insisted Duke do right by them and marry her. They don’t believe in divorce or, hell, birth control apparently, because there’s five Bible Bomars and there’d probably be more if Uncle Duke hadn’t spent most of his life in prison.”
“Six.”
“Huh?”
“There were six of them. Joel died but that doesn’t mean he never existed. There were six of them.”
Remy blew out a rough breath, “You’re right. Of course you’re right. It’s just… Abel refuses to talk about Joel. He freaks out if anyone even brings up his little brother’s name. Sometimes it’s easier to forget.”
“I understand that.”
“I know.” He nodded and then shrugged, “Anyway, the point was, that day at Aunt Mary’s house was the best day of my life until I met you.”
“Such a sweet talker.” Rachel kissed him lightly. “Continue.”
He nodded, “We had this big meal and all my cousins and uncles were there. It was a madhouse. I was probably ten, nine or ten, but I remember looking around and knowing that this day was important. I don’t know if it was someone’s birthday or what but everyone was happy which was so damn rare in my world.”
“That sounds nice.”
“It was.”
“So you got the tattoo for your Aunt Mary?”
He snorted, “No, nothing like that. It would’ve made sense I guess but… no. It was… Aunt Mary had a piano. One of those big, stand-up ones like they have at churches? She had one and we weren’t allowed to touch it but that day, after we ate, I remember hearing music coming out of the living room so I went to see who I could get into trouble for touching Aunt Mary’s most prized possession.”
“Nice.”
“Yeah, well, you’ve met my cousins. They were always in trouble anyway.” He shook off the smile, “It wasn’t one of my cousins playing though. It was my… It was Chrissy.”
Rachel’s eyebrows rose, “She knows how to play the piano?”
“Knew, probably. Yeah.” He thought back to that day and the way she’d looked sitting on the piano bench, so young and blonde and beautiful. Untouched by the harsh realities of her life or the harsher drugs that had already started to turn her brittle. ”I doubt she’d even know what a piano was if she saw one anymore.”
Rachel squeezed his hand again but said nothing. For that, he was grateful. As the memories swirled, the guilt and the anger were swiftly rising up inside him again. Sometimes he wondered if he hadn’t dreamed that entire day. It was fuzzy and out of focus after all these years, so oddly out of place in the dark days of his childhood, that he honestly couldn’t be sure and he didn’t know what was worse, if it had been real and so rare or that he’d dreamed it up entirely.
“She sat me down beside her and she showed me one key at a time how to play the song she’d been playing. Over and over and over she would show me and then play it and then let me play it. We must have sat there for hours.” He continued, his throat tight with emotions, “My… mom… she taught me how to play Mary Had A Little Lamb on the piano when I was ten years old and it was one of the best days of my life because she was there, with me, just me.”
Rachel stroked his cheek, “It sounds like a beautiful day.”
“It was this one perfect moment in a relationship that would go so, so badly just a few years later.” He bit out with a wince, “I just, I guess I clung to that as proof that she wasn’t always a monster. Like maybe that one, beautiful thing she did would be enough to wipe out all the bad but it wasn’t. It didn’t. It doesn’t.”
“Oh, Remy…”
“I don’t know why I got the tattoo. It’s stupid.”
“It’s not stupid.” She grabbed his chin when he tried to turn away and forced him to look at her, as determined as he’d ever seen her, “It’s not stupid that it meant something to you. She was your mom and she’s… as much as it hurts to think it, she’s not a monster. She’s sick and damaged but she’s still your mom and you’re allowed to want the woman that gave you that beautiful memory back.”
He felt tears sting his eyes and shook his head, “That’s why I love you. You always see the best in people.” He wiped at his cheek and cleared his throat, “You see the best in me too. Thank you for that.”
“It’s easy to see.” Rachel leaned down and brushed a kiss against the corner of his eye, “You’re a good man, Remington Bomar.”
“I want to be, for you and for Cash and Colt.”
“You are and it’s not for any of us. It’s just who you are.”
“I love you.” He managed to choke out.
“I love you too.” Rachel kissed him softly.
It had been a very long and emotional day and he sighed as he tugged her head back to look at her. He loved this woman so damn much. He would do anything for her. All of his old demons, they were slowly fading away, becoming bearable, and it was all thanks to her. Little by little, she was wiping out the dark shadows of his past and making his future look bright. He only hoped he was doing the same for her.
“I know you said you weren’t going to jump me...” He murmured against her lips as he stole another kiss. “But I didn’t make a similar promise.”
Before she could react, he flipped them. Rachel squealed as her back collided with the mattress and he loomed over her. She didn’t struggle to get away, only wrapped her arms and legs around him and then smiled. His heart squeezed tight in his chest at that smile. This, being with Rachel like this, having her smile at him like this… he wanted this moment to be the one that lasted for the rest of his life.
Chapter Seventeen
Rachel lay in the dark, watching the man she loved more than anything sleep, trying to convince herself that she was doing the right thing. He would understand. He would have to. This was the only way. She had to prove that she was strong enough to stand with him, to be a part of this family and that meant she had to make this choice herself.
No matter how much he might hate it. How mad he might be. He would have to understand that this was her decision to make. She would have to make him see but she knew that she couldn’t get into another argument about it right now.
He’d threatened to tie her to the bed and she didn’t doubt that he’d do whatever was in his power to keep her here with him where he thought she was safe. She loved him for that. Even as she knew that she was taking a huge risk by betraying him, again, by not talking to him, but she knew that not calling Lincoln wasn’t an option.
She needed to do this. Not for Lincoln. She knew she didn’t owe him anything. But she did owe Remy no matter what he said. Relationships were about give and take and all she’d been doing since the moment she approached him was taking. It was her turn to do this, to give him the peace of mind of knowing that the person who had hurt his brother was taken care of.
Even if it meant turning on her own brother.
After their last bout of lovemaking, Rachel had lain awake in the dark for a long time thinking about what calling Lincoln would mean. She wasn’t just offering to help him get in touch with Craig. She would likely be
used as bait to lure him out to his almost certain death.
Could she deal with that? Live with knowing she was responsible for his death? She wouldn’t have thought so but the more she thought about all she’d heard that night, the more she thought about how bad Colt had looked after being attacked at his shop, the easier the decision had become.
She hadn’t stood up for herself at all. Not once. Not ever. She’d let Craig get away with taking everything that should have rightfully been hers. The trailer and everything inside it and even what little money had been left in the bank after her mother passed away. He’d taken it all and he’d given her nothing but grief and pain in return.
He treated her like she was nothing to him. A roommate he wished would disappear. A punching bag for when he was angry. Someone to taunt and lord his power over when he wanted to feel important. He hadn’t treated her like she was his sister, a member of his family, in a really long time and no matter what he may have done for her in the past, saving her from those girls on the playground or saving her from his drunk, shitty friends, those good moments didn’t make up for all of the bad no matter how much she wanted to cling to them.
Talking with Remy about his mother and that tattoo had more than confirmed that for her. She could hold onto the good moments with Craig and still let him go. Because he wasn’t that same boy anymore and she knew that he’d turn on her given even half a chance.
Rachel winced slightly as she rolled to the edge of the bed and pushed to her feet. Despite what she’d said, she was definitely a little bit sore from their multiple rounds of lovemaking. But she loved the slight sting of knowing that Remy hadn’t been able to help himself, that he’d needed her so badly he’d forgotten his worries and taken her again. She would always want him like that. Desperate for her, soft and needy and murmuring words of love as they came together.
She only hoped after what she was about to do that she would get to have him again. That he would forgive her. Again. That he would understand why she was putting herself at risk and simply accept that after this, she would never have to do it again.
As quietly as she could, she tiptoed around the bed to find some clothes. They’d never gone back to her trailer for more so she’d been slowly buying pieces from the thrift store to mix in with the small stack she’d kept stored at Skylar’s salon in case of emergency. She’d known it wasn’t a forever kind of fix, that she would have to go back someday, but she’d never thought it would be under these circumstances.
After grabbing a pair of panties and a bra and what she hoped was a t-shirt and jeans, she shot the bed one last look. Remy hadn’t moved. He was sprawled across the middle of the bed on his back. One arm was slung out beside him, where she’d been laying only minutes ago, and she itched to crawl back into the bed beside him and snuggle.
For a moment, she thought about walking back over and kissing him goodbye but she knew that she couldn’t. He would wake up. He’d figure out what she was doing and he wouldn’t let her leave. She couldn’t let that happen so she couldn’t say goodbye, which was okay. Because she didn’t want it to be goodbye anyway.
If she had any luck at all, she would go and take care of this and be back before he even knew she was gone. She didn’t expect it to happen that way. She had crap luck at best. But without hope, she didn’t have much of anything.
After one last look, she took a deep breath for courage and then she left the room. She shut the door behind her softly and then went into the living room. Quickly and quietly, she tossed on the clothes she’d grabbed. Luckily, there was a bra and panties and jeans, just as she’d thought. The t-shirt however was one of Remy’s, a big oversized thing that draped her like a dress and fell off one shoulder. Despite the size, she smiled as she hugged it to her, loving that it smelled like him. Maybe that would make being apart from him tonight easier. He would be with her in spirit even if he wouldn’t support her doing this.
After dressing, she went to the kitchen and retrieved Remy’s phone from the charger where she knew he kept it plugged in at night. It was fully charged and she assumed he’d never unplugged it after the events of the morning. They’d spent the rest of the day in bed. A lost day, really. But so much had happened, it felt like they’d been at Cash and Jemma’s wedding weeks ago instead of a mere twenty-four hours ago.
She easily found Lincoln’s number among the limited contacts in Remy’s phone and transferred it to her own. She pulled on a pair of shoes at the door, wincing when her elbow collided with the wall and sent a loud reverberating noise through the trailer. She rubbed the sore spot and held her breath as she waited to see if Remy stirred, if he called out or came out of the room looking for her.
When he didn’t and the trailer remained quiet, she blew out an unsteady breath and unlocked and opened the door. As quietly as she could, which wasn’t all that quiet considering the age and shape of the rusted old trailer, she moved downs the steps and only once she was on the dirt ground did she gently snap the door back shut behind her.
After another full minute of standing there, waiting to see if she’d disturbed the quiet night, the rest of the world continued to move around her and she finally started moving a little faster. She headed up the driveway at a brisk walk, hugging her arms around herself and wishing she’d thought to grab a jacket because it was actually pretty damn cold during the dead of night this time of year.
She shivered and ignored the sounds of the wildlife all around her as she walked. It was birds and squirrels and nothing too harmful. That’s what she told herself. The howl of a coyote somewhere in the distance made her jump and she picked up her pace. She was used to walking since she didn’t have a car but once she thought she was a safe distance away from the trailer so that Remy couldn’t hear her, she stopped walking and put the phone to her ear.
It only rang twice before a rough, familiar voice came on the line, “What?”
“Uh… Lincoln?”
“Yeah.” He snapped, “Who is this? How’d you get this number?”
“Um, it’s uh… Ra-Ra-Rachel.”
There was a loud noise on the other end of the phone that she couldn’t make out and then a low chuckle, “Oh, yeah, hey Ra-Ra-Rachel.”
She hardened her jaw, “Don’t make fun of me like that.”
“Or what?” There was a sneer, “You gonna sic my cousin on me? Because I gotta say, you don’t scare me little girl.”
“Y-you don’t scare me either.” She shot back though she was fairly certain the stutter negated any and all of her confidence.
“Uh huh.” He snorted, “So, tell me, what can I do for you, Rachel?”
She straightened her spine and let out the breath she hadn’t realized she was holding, “Y-you said earlier that.. that… you need my help.” He was silent and she groaned, “With Craig? You said you need me to help draw him out.”
“Did I?”
“Lincoln, please. I’m calling to help.”
“You are. I didn’t expect to hear from you. My cousin seemed highly opposed to the idea. How’d you change his mind?”
“I… uh… I didn’t.”
“Hmm?”
“He uh… He doesn’t know I’m calling.” She chewed on her lip and looked out at the dark woods all around her, “I snuck out. We need to do this tonight. Can you send someone to pick me up?”
Nothing but silence greeted her again and she grit her teeth, trying to figure out the best way to get through to Lincoln. He seemed to hate her and honestly, she didn’t blame him. He was the eldest Bomar, their leader. He was responsible for protecting his brothers and cousins and she had become a liability if not an outright threat. She reminded herself that it didn’t matter if Lincoln liked her or not and tried again.
“Lincoln, send someone to get me. I’m leaving Remy’s, walking up the road. I need a ride or it’ll take me half the night to walk… back to the trailer park.” The word home had gotten stuck in her throat and she struggled to finish her sentence.
Th
at shitty trailer in the park wasn’t her home. Not anymore. Not since the first night she stayed with Remy. It hadn’t felt like home even before that but it had been where she lived because her mother had left it to her. Now it only seemed like another dark part of her past that she needed to get rid of once and for all.
“Yeah. Okay.” He finally cleared his throat, “I’ll send someone your way but you’re not going back there. Not yet. We need to talk first.”
“Fine. Just send someone. It’s fuckin’ cold.”
He chuckled, “You’ve got a mouth on you. Who knew? I thought you were just some shy, timid, little thing.”
“Not anymore.” She forced her chin up even though she was alone.
“Good. You’re gonna need that spine when my cousin finds out you snuck out and called me against his wishes.”
Rachel’s confidence wavered, “Y-you’re not… not gonna tell him, are you?”
“Let’s talk first. See if we can’t work something out. I’m intrigued. I wasn’t expecting you to call, like I said. But since you have, I’ll give you a chance to redeem yourself.” He muffled the phone and spoke to someone else before coming back on, “Your ride will be there shortly. See you soon, dollface.”
“Don’t call me…” She started but the dial tone was the only response so she dropped the phone and cursed at the night sky.
What was she doing? Risking everything she’d built with Remy for a chance to redeem herself in the eyes of a family he didn’t even like all that much? No. She reminded herself. She wasn’t doing this for Lincoln or for Remy. She was doing it for her. Because if she wasn’t strong enough to do this, she wasn’t strong enough to be with Remy. And she wouldn’t lose him. Not because of her own failures and not because he only saw her as a victim. She wasn’t. At least not anymore.
When the sleek, red, muscle car pulled up beside her on the road, she didn’t have to look inside to know which Bomar boy had been dispatched to pick her up. She didn’t even hesitate to crawl inside the car and slam the door shut behind her. She was half frozen from the cold, shivering and shaking and it wouldn’t have mattered if Freddy Krueger himself had stopped to pick her up. She would have gotten in the car.