by Mark Powers
‘You mean we’re trapped inside a giant model of a human nose?’
‘Yes,’ said Jack. ‘Trapped, not to put too fine a point on it, in artificial snot.’
Flax grimaced. ‘I’ll never get this stuff out of my fur.’
‘Ah, yes,’ said Jack. ‘I couldn’t help but notice that you’re, well, a rabbit. Not a schoolboy.’
‘I’m a spy,’ said Flax. ‘Investigating the missing chocolate factory.’
‘This plan of April’s is absolutely abominable!’ said Jack. ‘We have to stop her somehow.’
‘Of course,’ said Flax. ‘But in a funny way you have to sort of admire her, too. Fun does get in the way of you doing important things. If my two colleagues spent less time enjoying themselves and more time concentrating on their work, we’d catch a lot more bad guys.’
‘But fun’s important, too!’ said Jack. ‘You can’t work all the time. Life would be unbearable without a game or a laugh or a bit of chocolate every now and then. I saw your face when you got off that rocket bike. Grinning from ear to ear, you were! Don’t tell me that wasn’t worth doing.’
‘I have to admit,’ said Flax, ‘that was pretty cool.’
‘Exactly! And you also seemed to be having a good time playing TURBO BADGER this afternoon, if I remember right!’
Flax gave a nervous cough. ‘That wasn’t playing. I was sharpening up my hand-eye coordination.’
Jack snorted. ‘Of course you were. So tell me, Mr Spy Rabbit, how the heck are we going to escape from this nose?’
Flax closed his eyes and tried to think. ‘This is a multi-million-pound interactive exhibit designed to exactly model the functions of a human nose, right?’
‘Right.’
‘And how do noses expel small foreign objects that have got lodged inside them?’
Jack laughed delightedly. ‘With a sneeze! But how? We’re stuck fast.’
‘My arms and legs may be stuck,’ said Flax. ‘But my ears aren’t!’
He reached out with one of his long, white ears and gently tickled the slimy surface of the nearest pink wall. At once, there was a sound of rushing air and the interior of the huge nose began to shake …
‘I think it’s working!’ cried Jack.
‘Brace yourself,’ said Flax. ‘I think this is going to be a big one …’
AACCCHHHOOOOOO!
With the force of a hurricane, Jack and Flax shot out of the nostrils of the enormous nose and flew like bullets across the central exhibition gallery of the Learnatorium.
Flax bounced off the side of an antique steam engine and skittered to the floor.
‘Oh my flipping ears and whiskers,’ he muttered to himself, and clambered to his feet. He peered around. ‘Jack? Jack?’
There was no reply. And then from gloomy silence rose the distant grumbling roar of the mechanical sloth, Victor …
The paper plane zoomed over the green fields of England, making a V-formation of passing geese swerve and honk in annoyance.
Dan gave Arabella a nudge. ‘Right there. See?’ he said, raising his voice to be heard above the throb of the plane’s engines.
Arabella looked down and saw a cluster of tiny buildings. ‘Weird!’ she exclaimed. ‘We must be higher than I thought.’
The teddy bear shook his head. ‘Look again! It’s the WORLDLAND MODEL VILLAGE! Miniature models of the world’s capital cities! The kids at the primary school were going on a trip there, remember? Look, there’s a scale model of the Eiffel Tower!’
Dan pointed to a small clump of trees not far from the entrance gate to the model village. ‘Put us down there.’
The gate was locked firmly with a chunky metal padlock. A neatly printed sign taped to it declared:
WE ARE VERY SORRY BUT WORLDLAND MODEL VILLAGE IS TEMPORARILY CLOSED. WE HOPE THAT DOESN’T SPOIL YOUR DAY!
‘That proves the place has been taken over by children,’ said Dan. ‘Adults would never go to the trouble of making a sign that looks that neat. And they’d probably have spelt “your” wrongly too.’ He crushed the padlock in his fist as easily as a marshmallow and pushed open the gate.
‘That way,’ said Arabella, pointing at a model Eiffel Tower poking above some distant rooftops.
They dashed through a scale model of New York City, trampled over most of Madrid and finally arrived at the outskirts of Paris. The Learnatorium science museum was parked somewhat disrespectfully over a large part of the model city (and a good portion of Dublin, too), squashing the tiny buildings flat.
‘OK, mission recap,’ said Arabella as they reached the door. ‘Objective one: rescue Flax. Objective two: take down SIKBAG. You with me, fuzzball?’
Dan nodded. ‘Roger that.’ He reached for the door handle.
Arabella seized his arm. ‘Careful, nitwit! Those brainy brats might be expecting company.’
‘You mean they might have laid traps?’ asked Dan, suddenly wary.
Arabella nodded.
‘I’ll be careful,’ said Dan. He forced open the locked door as quietly as he could and stepped inside. Immediately, a Formula One racing car fell from the ceiling on top of him, bounced harmlessly off his super-strong head and clattered across the floor of the museum’s entrance lobby.
Dan turned to Arabella. ‘Seems you were right.’
Arabella snorted. ‘Why do you think I’m letting you go first?’
The museum appeared to be deserted. The only sound was the quiet echo of the toys’ footsteps as they padded across the entrance lobby to study a map of the museum.
Arabella tapped a finger on a second-floor area of the map that said STAFF ONLY in official letters. ‘In the video, it looked like they were in an office. I reckon this is where they’re hiding out.’
Dan nodded. ‘Let’s take the stairs. No doubt the lift will be booby-trapped, too.’
They raced to a wide marble staircase at the back of the entrance lobby. As soon as they set foot on the first step, there was a deep booming noise, and a torrent of brightly coloured balls of different sizes began to cascade down the stairs towards them.
There was something oddly familiar about the markings on each ball: crater-like circular patches and great bands of colour that looked like swirling clouds.
‘They’re model planets!’ said Arabella, ducking as a miniature Mars bounced over her head. ‘How typical of nerds to try and kill us in a way that’s also educational!’
Dan jumped to avoid a large orange-striped ball resembling the planet Jupiter that was thundering down the stairs towards him. ‘Watch out for that model Saturn!’ he called to Arabella. ‘Its rings look sharp!’
Arabella sidestepped Saturn and hopped to avoid a swarm of small asteroids that were rattling noisily down the steps like dried peas.
And then, as suddenly as it had begun, the rain of planets ceased. Dan and Arabella paused to catch their breath. They were halfway up the staircase. They quickly resumed their climb but after a moment Arabella suddenly stopped with a gasp.
‘Dan! Wait!’
‘What?’
‘A horrible thought has just occurred.’
‘Do share it,’ said Dan with a sigh. ‘I can never hear enough horrible thoughts.’
Arabella counted on her fingers. ‘Neptune, Uranus, Saturn, Jupiter, the asteroids, Mars, Earth, Venus and Mercury. We’ve had models of all the major bodies in the solar system except one.’
Dan blinked. ‘Do you mean Pluto?’
Arabella shook her head. ‘That’s not even a planet! Think bigger. An awful lot bigger.’
‘You mean … ?’
Arabella nodded – and at that very moment there appeared at the top of the staircase a truly enormous yellow ball.
‘The sun!’
Slowly, then with gathering speed, the model sun hurtled down the staircase towards them.
‘It’s coming too fast!’ cried Arabella. ‘We can’t outrun it! I suddenly feel sorry for all the bowling pins I’ve knocked down over the years.’
‘Flatten yourself against the wall,’ called Dan. ‘It’s our only chance.’
The two toys flattened themselves against the walls and the enormous model of the sun tore between them at tremendous speed, missing them both by the merest smidgen. They watched, scarcely able to believe their good fortune, as the giant yellow sphere bounced to the bottom of the staircase and –
CRRRRRANNNNXXX
SSCCCCHHHHHHHHH!
– smashed itself into the side of the ticket desk.
Dan raised his eyebrows. ‘Not the most relaxing of sunsets.’
‘Come on, furball,’ said Arabella. ‘Job to do.’
They raced to the top of the stairs and found themselves at the start of a long corridor lined with stuffed animals in cases. At the end stood an open door with a sign on it reading: PRIVATE. STAFF ONLY.
‘Like a door’s gonna stop the strongest teddy in the world getting in,’ sniggered Arabella. She leaned against a case containing a stuffed rabbit, but to her surprise the stuffed rabbit inside jumped in alarm. ‘Flax!’ cried Arabella. ‘What are you doing in there?’
‘Hiding,’ said the robot rabbit, lifting off the cover of the case and leaping to the floor to join his colleagues. ‘I’ve been trying to find my friend, Jack, but he seems to have vanished. How did you chaps get here?’
‘Long story short,’ said Arabella, ‘we found you, rescued you and now we have to kick the bad guys’ butts.’
‘Oh good,’ said Flax. ‘That’s my favourite bit.’
A squat, dark figure suddenly stepped out of the shadows and stood before them.
‘Speaking of which …’ muttered Arabella.
CHAPTER EIGHT
A BIT OF A PICKLE
Sebastian Plum removed the black glove from his right hand. His stainless-steel thumb glimmered in the gloomy corridor.
‘One, two, three four,’ he droned gravely, ‘I declare a thumb war!’
He marched towards them, hand outstretched, thumb bobbing up and down hungrily.
‘I’ll deal with this little squirt,’ said Dan. He strode purposefully towards Sebastian and locked hands with him.
‘Watch out!’ cried Flax. ‘He’s stronger than he looks!’
‘So am I!’ said Dan with a smile. ‘This shouldn’t take a minu–
AAAAAAAAGGHHHH!’
A terrible pain seared into his paw where Sebastian Plum was pressing down on it with his stainless-steel thumb.
‘Ha ha!’ laughed Sebastian in his deep voice. ‘You may be strong, little teddy bear, but nothing is as strong as my stainless-steel thumb!’
He pressed down hard on Dan’s paw. Dan let out a cry of agony and sank to his knees.
‘True,’ gasped Dan. ‘Your thumb is extremely strong, even compared with mine. But there’s something about me you don’t know yet.’
‘Is there?’ snorted Sebastian. ‘What?’
‘The rest of me is strong, too.’
Dan suddenly sprang to his feet and grasped Sebastian by his collar. Caught off guard, the boy released his grip on Dan’s paw. Dan spun the boy around a few times and then slid him at tremendous speed across the shiny wooden floor of the corridor, where he smashed into a case containing a family of stuffed field mice, who tumbled down on to his head. He groaned quietly.
The three Spy Toys now stood before the door marked PRIVATE. STAFF ONLY.
Dan looked at his colleagues. ‘We ready, guys?’
Arabella cracked her knuckles. ‘Ready as an extra-large helping of Ready Pie with generous lashings of thick, creamy Ready Sauce,’ she said, adding, ‘That means yes,’ when she saw Dan and Flax’s confused expressions.
Dan kicked open the door and they entered the room.
There they found April Spume sitting in a huge armchair behind a desk. On her lap was the slumbering form of her pet sloth, Victor. Otherwise, she was alone. She gave the three toys a charming smile.
‘I was going to say, “I’ve been expecting you”,’ she said, ‘but you’ve taken so flipping long to get here that I practically gave up all hope. You are some kind of secret-agent types sent here to stop me, I suppose?’
‘That’s right, sweetheart,’ growled Arabella.
April snorted. ‘You lot really are the most pathetic bunch of amateur-ish losers I’ve ever had the misfortune to encounter!’
The three Spy Toys exchanged a look of irritation.
‘People who say things like that about us,’ said Dan quietly, ‘usually end up very sorry indeed.’
‘Oh, button it,’ said April, and flicked a switch on her desk.
There was a hum of electricity and suddenly Dan, Flax and Arabella found themselves flying across the room and slamming painfully into a large horseshoe-shaped hunk of metal.
‘Just a simple, immensely powerful electromagnet,’ explained April. ‘All you need to keep three stupid robotic toys out of mischief. Doesn’t exactly take a genius to work that out. And now he’s been enhanced with his new plastic skeleton, dear Victor here is not affected by it.’ She stroked the sloth’s head soothingly, then lifted him off her lap and placed him on the floor. She pointed at the three helpless toys pinned to the electromagnet. ‘Dinner time! I’ve found you three lovely fresh robots to chew on!’
The sloth turned his two small eyes towards Flax and the others and smiled a slow, slothful grin, revealing a mouthful of sharp and distinctly un-slothful teeth. He began to lumber towards them very, very slowly.
‘What have you done with all the SIKBAG kids?’ yelled Flax.
‘They’ve been teleported to my secret pyramid in Antarctica, of course,’ replied April with a smirk. ‘It’s the new SIKBAG HQ from which we’ll rule the world. Nothing says evil organisation like a big secret pyramid in the Antarctic, I always think.’ She swivelled around on her seat to face a complicated bank of electronic equipment. ‘Now, just a couple of chores: using the teleporter to send the Kidzland TV studios and Bogey Cola bottling plant to the Sahara …’ She flicked a few switches and twisted several dials. ‘There! And now to hop over to Antarctica myself!’
She hopped off her chair and on to a blue circle painted on the floor. ‘Victor, dear, do join me in the new HQ when you’ve finished your meal. Just press the blue button. Toodles!’
An eerie blue glow appeared around April, and then with a sudden FLIPPPHHH noise, she vanished.
Victor the sloth continued to lumber towards the toys. He licked his lips.
‘This is a bit of a pickle,’ said Flax. ‘I have an EMP emitter in my pocket that could knock out this sloth, but unfortunately I can’t reach it because my arms are stuck to this magnet. Anyone else got any plans?’
‘I’d like to learn how to play the piano one day,’ said Arabella.
‘I meant escape plans,’ said Flax.
‘Oh. Er, no. Not yet. You got anything, furball?’
Dan tried to shake his head but found even that was impossible with the electromagnet holding him. ‘Nope – but I’ll definitely let you know if I do think of anything.’
‘Well, you’d better hurry up,’ said Arabella. ‘Because that sloth is gonna be nibbling our toes off in …’
‘…about three hours, by the looks of things!’ said Dan, and he and Arabella laughed.
Flax gave a sigh.
In the frozen wastes of Antarctica, deep within a vast, gleaming pyramid made of glass and steel, the members of SIKBAG watched as April Spume materialised with an eerie blue glow. Surveying their gloomy faces, she gave a scathing snort.
‘Missing home, are we? Ha, don’t worry. You’ll soon cheer up once we become rulers of the entire world!’
The Spy Toys watched as Victor the sloth continued his weary trudge.
‘Maybe he’ll fall asleep before he gets to us,’ mused Flax.
‘Or die of old age,’ said Dan.
‘If he doesn’t, we might,’ said Arabella. ‘I take it we’re still drawing a blank in the bright ideas department?’
‘Well, I’ve got nothing,’ said Dan
. ‘Flax?’
‘Still working on it,’ said Flax.
‘Oh, fabulous,’ muttered Arabella. ‘So we’re still all going to die and these pint-size Einsteins are going to take over the world and turn it into one big mental arithmetic lesson.’
‘’Fraid so,’ said Flax.
‘I had no idea dying would be this dull,’ said Dan. ‘I always assumed we’d go doing something cool. Fighting alien monsters or something. Not being gnawed on by some moth-eaten sloth with a taste for scrap metal. In about two and half hours’ time.’ He let out a sigh at the unfairness of it all.
There was an unexpected click. The electromagnet stopped humming and the three Spy Toys suddenly dropped to the floor.
‘Jack!’ cried Flax as the small, wiry-haired boy emerged from behind the electromagnet brandishing a plug. ‘Where did you come from?’
‘After we got sneezed out, I got lost so I hid inside the steam-engine exhibit. After a bit, everything went quiet so I came looking for you.’
‘Watch out, kid!’ cried Arabella. ‘That sloth is getting ready to take a bite out of your leg.’
‘Ha, not a problem,’ said Jack, and swiftly flicked the switch behind Victor’s ear to OFF. The sloth slumped to the floor, motionless.
Flax raced to the teleport controls and began to examine them.
‘Can you work this thing, cottontail?’ asked Arabella.
Flax’s nose twitched. ‘I believe I can. If I do this’ – he twisted a dial violently – ‘it should bring back the last thing it teleported.’
Once again there was a FLIPPPHHH noise and April reappeared in the circle with a shimmer of blue light. She folded her arms and glared at the Spy Toys. ‘What’s the big idea trying to mess up my plan, you bunch of interfering clots!’