by Janet Dailey
"Mother, is that what's bothering you?" Lainie had hugged the resisting woman around the shoulders. "I don't care about a large society wedding. All I want is Rad."
"And he knows it," Mrs. Simmons had retorted grimly. "Already you've allowed him to have the upper hand. Soon he'll be dictating who your friends will be. In a matter of months, you'll be pregnant.
"Naturally we both want children." There had been a shy blush in Lainie's cheeks, induced by the thought of the coming intimacy between them and not the discussion of the results.
"I can see that nothing I say means anything to you. You're too full of your own blind emotions to listen to reason. Rad MacLeod is a ruthless and possessive rake who's chosen someone like you to give himself the respectability he doesn't wish to earn."
"How can you say that!" Lainie had been appalled by her mother's attack on the man she was to marry. "He loves me and wants to marry me. His family is wealthy. Rad is considered a very good catch."
"As you say, he loves you," her mother had agreed, but with a dry note of cynicism that had frightened Lainie. "I won't stand in the way of your marriage even though I don't approve of him. But don't let him stand between you and your friends. Don't let him separate you from the social life you've known. And before you bring children into this world, Lainie Simmons, you wait until you know for sure what kind of man you've married."
As much as she had tried to push her mother's warnings to the back of her mind, they kept creeping back. When once she would have accepted a statement from Rad with the faith of her love, Lainie found herself examining his words, trying to see if the comments about her friends were subtly derogatory.
The day of the wedding had arrived swiftly, bringing with it all the culmination of her dreams. It was followed by an idyllic fortnight at Rad's cabin in the Rocky Mountains. He had been as tender and gentle and loving as any bride wanted her groom to be. Yet he had managed to fan the sparks of desire that Lainie had possessed into a full, burning fire that only he could fulfill.
Too soon those days of exploring love's enchantment had ended and they returned to Denver, where Lainie discovered how empty the days were when Rad was at his office and she was home alone. She had tried to content herself with taking care of their new home, but with a maid to do the cooking, and a housekeeper to do the cleaning, and a gardener to take care of the lawns and gardens, she had been an ornament, pretty but not very useful. For a time, the evenings with Rad had made up for the loneliness of the days. Lainie gradually drifted back into her friendships with the old group, spending an afternoon shopping with one, or playing tennis with another. Rad hadn't seemed to mind at all.
Of course, it was during that time that Lainie had met Sondra, her husband's beautiful red-haired private secretary. She had known then the first heartbreaking pangs of jealousy toward this woman who spent more hours with her husband than Lainie did. Thus the little arguments had begun.
Looking back, Lainie could see that it was her own immaturity that had made the first inroads into their marriage. She had begun to resent the demands of his business, to plead with him to spend more time with her, to spend huge sums of money on clothes to entice him to her side; but Rad had only regarded her with amusement, chiding her occasionally to grow up.
Four months after the wedding had come the first business trip, their first separation. Lainie had accompanied Rad to the airport, only to find Sondra already there.
"I have the tickets and our baggage has already been checked." Sondra's green eyes had glittered triumphantly at Lainie for a brief moment.
"Is she going with you?" Lainie had burst out in anger.
She hadn't been prepared for Rad's reaction. With the same lithe swiftness that had already surprised her for a man as tall as Rad, he had gripped her arm and propelled her to a secluded corner. The outraged anger in his face had made her cower inwardly.
"I will not tolerate any more of your childish displays of jealousy in public." The tight hold on his temper was evident by his cold harshness.
"I don't trust her," Lainie had retorted, refusing to allow him to browbeat her.
"I don't believe you trust me."
"Maybe I don't." Her chin had quivered tremulously before she tossed her head back with airy disdain. "I'm sure you'll enjoy the trip. I've no doubt Sondra will see to it. You've told me more than once how competent and indispensable she is. Now I'm beginning to see why!"
She had stalked away, half-expecting Rad to come running after her. But he hadn't. That night Lainie had removed his belongings from their bedroom and put them in the guest bedroom.
That had been a mistake, one that she would never have made if she had known her husband better. It had brought a remoteness into Rad when he returned. Even her sincerely meant apology a few days later didn't remove it. The change in their relationship had hurt and confused Lainie. More and more she had sought consolation in the companionship of her old friends, until it was Rad who was returning home from work before Lainie. Yet her mother's words echoed in her ears and Lainie had refused to give up any of her associations.
The winter that year had brought more than snow. It had brought icy indifference into their house each time Rad walked in the door. The terrible arguments were over, but Lainie had discovered a new grief in the coldness that had taken their place. Then had come the evening when they both had been invited to a very important dinner party by one of Lainie's friends. Rad had arrived home only minutes before they were to have left.
"Did you forget we were invited out tonight?" Lainie had demanded as she met him in the foyer.
"Welcome home," Rad had sneered, walking past her into the den where he poured himself a stiff drink.
"We're supposed to be there in ten minutes."
The way he had regarded her so clinically had irritated Lainie beyond endurance.
"Call them up and tell them we aren't coming." He had turned his back on her.
"I can't do that!"
"I've had a rough day. That damned party isn't all that important."
"No, it's my friends who are giving it, so naturally it isn't important to you," Lainie had retorted sarcastically.
"Your constant bitching is getting on my nerves." Rad's jaw had been tightly clenched and Lainie had blanched in spite of her air of defiance. "I am not going to that party tonight, and that's final!"
"Well, I am!"
"I'd think about it if I were you," Rad had said coldly as Lainie had turned to leave the room.
"Is that some kind of threat?" She had spun around sharply.
"I think it's time you made a choice between your husband and your friends."
"Is that your solution to saving our marriage?" Her mother's warnings had come echoing back in that moment. "Or do you think the patter of little feet would more effectively tie me down?"
"I would have been better off taking you as my mistress instead of my wife."
The complete lack of emotion in Rad's voice had taken Lainie's breath away. There had been no further doubt in her mind that what love he had felt for her was gone. She had left the room, shaky legs carrying her farther away from him.
Chapter Two
ANN DROPPED IN the following afternoon. The concern that had haunted her from last night had proved to be warranted once she had looked at Lainie's sleepless face.
"You should have let me stay with you last night," she scolded grimly.
"We would have talked half the night anyway," Lainie smiled faintly, "and I still wouldn't have had enough sleep."
"Instead you relived the nightmare again," Ann studied her astutely. "You still haven't forgotten him, have you?"
"I loved him once very deeply," Lainie replied quietly. "You can't block out the happy memories altogether."
"Now that you've seen him again, you don't still love him, do you?"
"No." It was a breathy protest with a tiny gleam of uncertainty in Lainie's eyes. Last night Rad had taken her by surprise. That was why her heart had beat so wildl
y.
"Was there never any talk of you two getting together again? When you first broke up, I mean?" Ann asked. "You told me that Rad refused to give you a divorce."
"When we were first married, I loved him so much I let my heart rule my head." Lainie turned her unseeing gaze to the gold flocked paper on her bedroom wall. "I was jealous of every minute he spent away from me. I resented his work, his associates, anything that deprived me of him. I behaved like a child, spending money to draw attention to myself, deliberately going to parties without him, trying to make him jealous. I often wonder if I'd been more mature and understanding if we wouldn't still be married today. If I wouldn't still be blissfully ignorant of what a hollow shell our marriage was from the beginning."
"What are you talking about?" Never in the few times that Lainie had discussed her marriage with Ann had she ever made such a statement.
Lainie stared down at her long slim fingers, interlocking her hands. "Rad never loved me." A shimmering veil of tears covered the hazel green eyes as she met Ann's startled glance with quiet dignity. "He told me so. Physically I was desirable and socially I was acceptable, so I was the prime candidate when he decided to take a wife."
"Of all the cold-blooded-" Ann exploded briefly, before turning puzzled eyes on Lainie. "Then why didn't he give you a divorce?"
"I believe he said he had paid dearly to marry me and he wasn't going to pay to get rid of me." She tried to make her voice light and uncaring, but the pain of that memory went too deep. "I began shouting at him, telling him I didn't want his money, that I just wanted to be free of him, and if he didn't give me a divorce, I'd sue him for one." Lainie twisted her head to the side as she remembered the final humiliation Rad had placed on her. She bit her lip to keep control of its quivering while Ann waited silently for her to continue. "He called in one of his engineers, had him come to the room where we were. I can still remember the cold, calculating tone of Rad's voice as he asked the man whether he had ever had any ... any relationship with me while I was married to Rad. The man said that he had, several times."
Ann drew a sharp breath.
"Rad laughed after the man left and told me that was the only kind of divorce that I would ever get. He said he could get all kinds of men who would testify to the same thing. He suggested that I be content with a separation, since that was all he was prepared to offer me."
"Why didn't you ever tell me this before, Lainie? It explains so many things I never understood before." Ann smiled compassionately at her friend. "When you two first split up, I was astonished by the change in you. You seemed to lose all confidence in yourself, I thought you were headed for a breakdown."
"If it hadn't been for dad, I probably would have," Lainie admitted. "I remember one evening he came into my room and found me crying. He took me in his arms as if I were still a child and began wiping away my tears. For all his quietness, dad was a very philosophical man. I'll never forget what he told me. 'The rainbow comes after the storm, so first you must endure the storm.'" She glanced briefly at Ann. "That's why I left Denver, to start my life over and wait for the storm to pass. I thought it had."
"Until you saw Rad again."
"Yes. Last night I was tossed right back into the heart of it."
The tinkling of a bell filtered into the room, followed by a very plaintive call from the occupant of the adjoining room.
"I thought your mother was sleeping," Ann whispered as Lainie jumped to her feet.
"She was." Lainie's forehead was knitted in a frown. She motioned for Ann to remain where she was as she walked swiftly to the connecting door, which she had left partially ajar.
Dainty pink and rose-colored flowers spread their gay pattern around with complementing pink satin curtains at the windows, complete with ruffles. The elegant marble-topped dressing table at the far side of the room was hidden by delicate Dresden figurines and fragile glass ornaments. From the pink-canopied bed came Mrs. Simmons's repeated summons for Lainie. Her light gray hair matched the pastel room, as did her pale complexion.
"What is it, mother?" Lainie patted the slender hand that reached out for her.
"I heard you talking in the other room." Round blue eyes fluttered questioningly at Lainie. "You were talking about Rad. Lainie, you aren't seeing him again, are you?"
"No, of course not. I merely ran into him at the concert last night," Lainie assured her.
"You didn't ... you didn't tell him about our difficulties! You didn't mention how poor we've become?" The plaintive cry of pride in her mother's voice tugged at Lainie's heart. "I couldn't bear it if he knew."
Lainie nibbled at her lower lip before smiling with determined assurance. "I didn't ask him for a thing, mother," she answered truthfully.
"Good" Mrs. Simmons sighed, and her hand moved weakly away from Lainie's to rest on the pink satin quilt across her breast. "I can rest now."
It was a dismissal, with all the affected regal air that was common to her mother. Lainie often wondered how much of her mother's weakness was an act and how much was real. It was so difficult to tell, but her illness was genuine.
Two days later Lainie finally found time to do the weeding of the front lawn. Her mother had taken her sedative an hour before and had fallen asleep immediately. It was rather a blessing being out in the sunlight, feeling its warmth penetrating her light cotton blouse and cream-colored slacks. Summer was nearing its end. Lainie knew these days of sunshine would soon be blotted out by the cold blast of winter's breath sweeping down out of the Rocky Mountains.
The perspiration on her forehead trickled down her face, but the physical exertion was relaxing. The digging and tugging to remove the stubborn weeds demanded concentration. Her mind had been working overtime these last few days, worrying over their financial woes while fighting off the persistent memories of Rad. Lainie had been sure that she had driven him from her thoughts, but after their explosive meeting the other night she found all the bitterness and misery had returned.
Firm steps sounded behind her, swishing through the grass. Lainie turned slightly from her kneeling position, shading her eyes from the sun's glare to identify the person approaching her.
"Well, Lee, what a surprise!" She rose to her feet, removed the cotton glove from her hand and extended it warmly to him.
"I didn't know gardeners came in such attractive models." Lee smiled, his blue eyes lighting up at the pleased expression on Lainie's face.
"Won't you come up to the house?" She flushed under the intensity of his gaze. "I'm afraid I'm not really dressed for company. It'll only take me a minute to freshen up."
"You look beautiful. There's a glow to your cheeks that's especially becoming." He turned her toward the house and firmly tucked her hand through his arm. "I haven't been able to get you out of my mind, so I decided to stop."
"Flatterer!" Lainie laughed, glancing up at the strong face beneath the blond brown hair.
"No, it's not flattery," Lee replied. The sincerity in his eyes caused Lainie to falter a little. "I haven't been able to get you out of my mind for several years. Before, I waited too long to let you know how I felt about you. This time, now that I've found you again, I'm going to plunge in first before anyone else has a chance."
"You don't give a girl an opportunity to think." Lainie's footsteps had halted as she stared in astonishment at Lee.
"Neither did Rad MacLeod," Lee replied quietly, watching the blood flow away from Lainie's face. "And you married him."
"I'm not as impetuous as I once was. I won't make the same mistake again." She firmly withdrew her hand from his.
"I'm glad." He smiled that quiet, serene smile that always produced a feeling of security in Lainie. "Because I would want you to be very sure of yourself before you married me."
"You're going too fast!" She shook her head as if to free herself from the web that was being spun around her. "We haven't seen each other for five years. You can't begin to know me, nor I you."
"Then I suggest we get acquainted a
gain. Have dinner with me this evening?"
"Lee, my mother is bedridden. She can't be left alone. It's out of the question for me to consider dating anyone," Lainie explained, lifting her chin proudly as she met his steady gaze.
"Would you object if I called on you here in your home? Because I won't be put off."
"What can I say?" Her shoulders lifted in bewilderment. "We've known each other a long time. I've always considered you as a friend, and now all of a sudden you're trying to change that. You're confusing me."
"As a friend, may I come over some evenings, then?"
"My friends are always welcome," Lainie replied.
"How about offering this friend something cold to drink?"
As quickly as Lee had become serious, he became lighthearted and gay. He had followed Lainie unperturbed into the kitchen and had relaxed at the table, discussing nothing more serious than the whereabouts of various acquaintances they had in common. Lainie was left with the feeling that the previous conversation had never taken place. Except that she knew it had. An uneasiness gripped her, which made it difficult for her to react naturally to the situation.
She found herself examining her own feelings. After her disastrous marriage to Rad, she didn't know if she wanted to become involved with anyone else to that extent again. But there was no doubt that Lee was pleasing company, nor that he was a dependable person. Then the whole situation struck her as being humorlessly academic anyway and she mocked herself for being so concerned about it. After all, she was still legally married to Rad.
Now that Lee had declared his intentions, the most sensible thing for her to do was to sit back and wait to see what happened. Although she had been loath to admit it to herself before, Lainie had been lonely with only her invalid mother for company and an occasional visit from Ann. As long as Lee maintained this lighthearted attitude, what was the harm in letting him visit her a couple of times a week?
The following evening Ann phoned her and Lainie mentioned Lee's visit and his intention to come over that Friday. She wasn't exactly attempting to get Ann's advice, but she was curious to see what her friend's reaction would be to the situation. Ann endorsed it.