by Janet Dailey
Lainie took a deep breath, wondering how much difference it would have made if she had only known Linda years ago. "Do you think-" she swallowed to take the huskiness out of her voice "-Rad loved his wife?"
"I don't know. He won't talk about her. I can't imagine him marrying anybody he didn't care about a lot, but I wouldn't worry about that if I were you." Linda smiled at her reassuringly. "It's all water under the bridge, so to speak. Besides, Rad isn't the type to make the same mistake twice with the same person. Whoever she was, I can't see Rad taking her back again."
That statement only made Lainie more curious. He had taken her back, only doubt was forming that revenge had really been his motive. Deftly Lainie maneuvered the conversation to other channels.
Chapter Twenty
IT WAS NEARLY three o'clock before Sean, who was only going to rest his eyes, finally awoke from his nap. After restocking his supply of energy with a tall glass of milk and four biscuits, he was ready to return to his task of completing his snowman. Linda was preparing a roast for the evening meal, so Lainie volunteered to help Sean bundle himself up in his winter coat.
"How many children do you have?" Sean inquired boldly as Lainie expertly tucked his muffler inside his parka.
"I don't have any. But I hope to someday." Lainie smiled at him.
"How many do you want?"
"Three sounds like a good number to me."
"All boys," Sean announced firmly.
"Actually I thought two boys and a girl would be nice," Lainie replied solemnly, and heard Linda's slight chuckle behind her.
"Yes, that would be all right." Sean had hesitated slightly before agreeing. Then his bright eyes looked beyond her and his face broke into a beaming smile. "Uncle Rad!" he cried, hurtling himself past Lainie.
Lainie turned with a start. Rad was standing in the doorway, looking down at her with more than just amusement in his eyes. Color rushed to her cheeks and she was glad when the demanding Sean captured Rad's attention. She took the opportunity to escape to the kitchen where she immediately offered her help to Linda, who handed her a bunch of carrots and a peeler. Lainie was briskly shaving off the outer skin of the orange root when Rad's hands took hold of her upper arms.
"Are you glad to see me?" he whispered in her hair.
Lainie was saved from replying by Steve's voice calling, "Rad, there's a phone call for you. It's long distance."
Rad sighed, squeezed Lainie's shoulders and walked into the living room. By the time he returned, the roast, complete with carrots, potatoes, and onions, had already been placed in the oven. Lainie smiled at him hesitantly when he walked into the room, but his expression was grim and unyielding.
"I'm sorry, Linda, but Lainie and I are going to have to beg off our dinner date. Something's come up and we'll have to leave," he said tersely.
"What's wrong?" Linda asked, speaking the words that were uppermost in Lainie's mind.
His answer was directed to Lainie. "It was the hospital. They've been trying to get hold of us. Your mother's had a relapse and they want us to come as quickly as we can."
Lainie knew she must have paled. His arm came out immediately, supporting her waist when she faltered a step toward him. She nodded at the words of sympathy expressed by Linda and Steve, but her movements were guided by Rad, who was quickly maneuvering her toward the door and on to the car.
The trip back to Denver was a nightmare. But Lainie didn't allow herself to lose control. The occasional reassuring glances from Rad were of immeasurable help. As they mounted the hospital steps, Lainie was amazed to see a familiar figure rushing toward her.
"I called Ann before we left," Rad said quietly, "I thought you would like to have her here."
So it was in Ann's company that Lainie arrived at her mother's room. Rad was off to consult the doctors. It was so strange, Lainie thought, staring down at her mother. At one time she would have believed that her mother had deliberately brought on the attack in a desire to have Lainie at her side. But the new understanding and closeness that had joined them together in the recent weeks no longer made that true.
"The nurse told me earlier," Ann whispered, "that she was showing signs of improvement."
Lainie could only nod at that statement and pray that it was true. "How long has she been unconscious?"
"She's not really unconscious," Ann explained. "The nurse told me it was more a form of drugged sleep."
As if on cue, Mrs. Simmons's eyes fluttered open. Lainie walked around the bed and sat next to her mother, taking her hand. The dull blue eyes focused on her.
"Lainie?"
"Yes, mother, I'm here. Everything's going to be all right."
"I told them not to call you back." Her speech was slurred and weak. "I wanted you to have the time with Rad."
"Sssh, don't try to talk. Just rest and get better.
"Yes, I will." Her eyelids fluttered shut again, only to pop open. "I'm not going to die this time, so don't you be worrying about me."
"I won't." There was a suggestion of a smile on her mother's lips as she again closed her eyes, and in seconds she was asleep. Lainie felt Ann's hand touch her shoulder. She breathed in deeply and turned to smile at her friend.
"She was reassuring me," Lainie explained.
"Why don't we go to the waiting room down the corridor?" Ann suggested. "I'm sure you could use some coffee and I know the nurses could spare us a cup of theirs. Besides, Rad should be coming anytime now to give us the verdict from the doctors."
Lainie nodded and accepted her friend's guiding hand. Walking down the corridor toward them was Lee Walters. They saw each other about the same moment.
"I called your apartment-" Lee looked sympathetically into her face "-and the housekeeper told me your mother wasn't well. I came just to let you know I was here if you needed me."
"That was kind of you." Lainie meant what she said, but she discovered that she wished Lee hadn't come. "Actually she's much better."
"I'm glad for you."
Lee would have gone on, but Lainie interrupted him briskly, "If you would excuse me, Lee, Ann and I were just going to meet my husband. He's been talking with the doctors."
Lee stiffened and stepped aside. Lainie felt Ann's bemused eyes studying her. She probably had been too sharp with Lee, but the truth was she wanted to see Rad and not just because of her mother, either. Lainie recognized his dark form standing by the nurses' office. He turned at their approach, his expression hard. Lainie couldn't help the hurt from leaping into her eyes. She wanted to see the softness and concern that had been there earlier.
She examined the dark depths of his eyes, trying to find the warmth behind the coldness. If there was any, she couldn't find it. Without any preamble Rad confirmed Lainie's previous optimistic statement that her mother was better. Lainie knew she had made some appropriate murmur of gratitude. Rad said he was going to make some phone calls, and Lainie reached out and placed a detaining hand on his arm, but the suggestion that he join them died on her lips at the hauteur on his face as he looked down at her restraining hand. She withdrew it quickly, and just as quickly turned away toward the waiting room where Ann was.
Silence descended on the waiting room so that not even the hot coffee could thaw its chilling oppression. For a time Ann respected Lainie's desire for no conversation, but gradually decision formed on her face. She walked over, removed the empty cup from Lainie's hand and sat down beside her.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
At first Lainie just shook her head, attempting to brush off the question. But Ann was having none of that.
"You might as well tell me. I'll get it out of you anyway," she insisted.
"Did you see the way he looked at me?" Lainie murmured, tears springing to her eyes. "It's all so futile!"
"Why did you ever have to run into him that night of the concert?"
"It was all inevitable, I think. Fate." Lainie's voice was choked with emotion as she studied her hand clenched tightly in her lap. "You can
't love to order."
"Does he know you love him? Have you told him?" Ann's blue eyes mirrored the depths of her compassion for her friend.
"No. What good would it do? My life would just become more miserable for telling him."
A slight sound came from the doorway and Lainie glanced up to look into Rad's face. There was such chilling coldness and contempt in his eyes that she gasped at the sight. So now he knew. He had heard her admit that she loved him and this was his reaction. Rad actually despised her. She half expected to hear his mocking laughter scorn her pitiable confession.
"I want to talk to you alone." His words were clipped and commanding, tinged with an arrogance that sliced to the bone.
Lainie's lips quivered as she steadfastly met his bitter gaze. Without a word Ann slipped from the room, knowing that no matter how much she wanted to stay, the confrontation was private. Lainie tensed herself, waiting for the barrage of scornful words that would cut away the last vestige of her pride, but Rad continued staring at her, letting his minute study of her face unnerve her further. She knew he was savoring his moment of triumph when he had finally brought her to her knees.
The suppressed violence with which he lit a cigarette surprised her. Lainie had the peculiar feeling that the anger was directed at himself and not at her. At last his gaze left her face as he strode impatiently into the room. There was the faintest look of uncertainty in his expression. It confused Lainie. The Rad she knew was never uncertain about anything.
"You can consider our bargain fulfilled," he snapped suddenly, turning his glittering eyes on her. "I'll maintain the cost of your mother's medical bills until... until it's no longer necessary. But you're free to go."
"Free?" Lainie repeated sadly. She would never be free of him because she loved him, and the chains of love weren't so easily removed.
"Yes, free! I'm giving you a divorce," he growled harshly. His lips curled at the startled look on her face at his announcement. "It's what you've been wanting for over five years," he added sarcastically. "Now you can have it. I would appreciate it if you would change your name back to Simmons. I don't want to be reminded that there's an ex-Mrs. MacLeod walking around."
Lainie closed her eyes as a wave of excruciating pain washed through her. She swallowed to rid her throat of the painful lump. Rad wanted to wipe out all traces of her existence. He couldn't even spare her a small amount of room in his memory for their happier times. Had she been that unfair to him before that he could hate her so completely?
"I'll make arrangements for your things to be sent back to you," he went on when she failed to speak. His voice had lost some of the leashed fury.
"I'd rather handle it myself."
Lainie's voice managed to squeeze itself out through the tight lump in her throat. His piercing look questioned her statement, demanding with his old authority a reason for that request. She knew he would be amused if she told him that she didn't want to take the clothes she had so recently bought at his expense, so she seized on the first available lie that sprang to her lips.
"I don't know where I'll be staying."
Rad stared at her unblinkingly for several minutes, a cold mask on his face that froze the tears in her eyes. Then he turned his back to her and ran his fingers through his dark hair in a gesture of tiredness.
"My lawyers will contact you," he said. His harsh words wrenched at her heart, twisting it with unbelievable agony.
He was walking toward the door and Lainie knew he was walking out of her life forever. She tasted blood in her mouth where her teeth had bitten her lip. Unwillingly she called his name and saw him turn slowly back toward her. She rose hesitantly to her feet, forcing herself to look into the carved features.
"I wanted to thank you." Her voice was only a whisper.
"For a divorce?" he sneered. His eyes raked her contemptuously. "I'll be glad to get you out of my life!"
Her head recoiled as if he had struck her. "No, not for that." From somewhere she gathered the strength to continue. "For bringing me back here today when mother was so ill."
He exhaled slowly, his shoulders sagging only slightly, but enough for Lainie to sense the unrest her words had caused.
"I regret that I made that ridiculous statement that I would let you go when your mother died," he said slowly. There was the barest glimmer of sympathy in his otherwise bland eyes. "I'm glad for you that she's better."
Lainie nodded. "I didn't really think you would use her as a tool for your revenge."
A wry smile lifted the corners of his mouth in irony. "The Lord's revenge is much more punishing than a mere mortal's. "
The truth of his words bowed Lainie's head as the tears blurred her eyes. Yes, she would have to live the rest of her life without Rad's love. When she lifted her head Rad was gone.
Chapter Twenty-One
Two DAYS PASSED before Lainie had the nerve to return to the apartment. Luckily Rad had left the suitcase she had packed for their stay in Vail, so that she had an ample change of clothes. Ann had been insistent that she stay with them, and Lainie had been too depressed to make much of an objection.
The knowledge that this time Rad was giving her a divorce hung like a heavy weight upon her shoulders, dragging her deeper until she no longer wanted to lift her head up, to make any pretense at all that she wanted to live. The last time they had been separated, five years ago, she hadn't known how deeply she loved him; and also, the question of divorce had been forcibly ruled out by Rad. But not anymore. He couldn't wait to get rid of her; now that he knew she loved him, his revenge was complete. Lainie slipped the key to the apartment into the lock, glad that she hadn't returned it to Rad that afternoon at the hospital. She had phoned Mrs. Dudley only an hour before to ensure that Rad wouldn't be home during the lunch hour and to notify the housekeeper that she would be arriving to pack her things. Lainie had been quick to refuse the woman's barely civil offer to help, asserting that she was capable of handling it by herself. But as her shaky legs carried her into the living room, she wondered whether she could.
She stared at the fireplace, remembering again the first time she had been there. She hated the room with sudden violence because it was here that she had realized that she still loved Rad. Clenching her lips tightly together so they wouldn't give rise to the sobs in her chest, she glanced at the envelope in her hand. Before her resolve could weaken she slipped the apartment key inside, hearing the metal clink against her wedding ring, which was already inside. Also inside was the terse note she had agonized over writing, trying to keep her emotions from creeping into those few short words. After several attempts at writing it she had finally settled on two noncommittal sentences, knowing that any statements of her love for him would be read with amusement.
Enclosed is the door key and my wedding
ring. I have no further use for either.
Lainie
It seemed wrong that two short sentences could contain so much unspoken pain. Quickly Lainie placed the envelope on the mantelshelf, her eyes staring at Rad's name written on the front. She wiped the tears away from her eyes and scurried into the bedroom. The quicker she accomplished her packing, the sooner she would be able to leave.
She never realized how many clothes she had, nor how long it would take to pack them all. She didn't allow herself to admit that part of the reason was the unwilling memory of the two glorious nights she had spent in this room in Rad's arms. But it was there in the way her eyes caressed the pillow that had known his head. Finally, with tears burning the back of her eyes, she closed the last suitcase and set it on the floor. She spared one last look around the room, wondering if Rad would be able to walk in and not see the bare dressing table that had once held her belongings. Those thoughts only brought more pain, so she quickly picked up two suitcases and her handbag, and walked to the door.
Her vision was blurred by the unshed tears in her eyes as she walked into the living room. As before, her footsteps were muffled by the carpeting. Her hazel eyes bli
nked at the dark form sitting on the gray velvet sofa. The mist cleared, enabling her to focus on Rad. The pain of seeing him again seared through her with unbearable waves of agony, but she couldn't tear her gaze away from the man she loved.
In his left hand Lainie saw the terse note she had written him. He was gripping the white paper so hard that it was nearly crumpled in his hands. His dark head was bent and his shoulders hunched over the object in his other hand. Just for a moment Lainie caught a glimpse of her wedding band before he hurled it from him across the room. The violent action brought him to his feet and she was staring incredulously into his face.
The rugged features were contorted with pain as he stared back at her, his eyes red and haunted. There were tears winding their way down his face. Suddenly he was bristling with anger.
"What are you doing here?" he shouted. But the savagery in his voice couldn't hide the pain behind every word. Rad seemed to realize it and sagged onto the couch, turning his head away from her as if it were torture to look at her. "What difference does it make?"
The defeated tone of his voice brought a different ache into Lainie's heart.
"After all the hell I've put you through, I guess you should have some victory." Rad was talking like a man broken in two. A bitter laugh came from somewhere deep inside him and it was filled with self-contempt. "And to think that for five years, I've tried to make sure you never knew I loved you. I even went to humiliating pains to make sure you believed I never did."
Rad turned his tortured eyes on her, drinking in the bewildered expression on her face as if he were dying from thirst.
"Oh, Lainie, I love you so much. Forgive me for forcing you... for blackmailing you into being my wife again," he begged in a hoarse whisper.
"Rad!" His name was an exultant bubble that burst gladly from Lainie.
"Don't pity me!" he shouted, rising to his feet as he changed from the beggar to the dominator. "I couldn't stand that!"
"Rad, no." Lainie moved to his side quickly. Her hand touched his arm when he turned away.