by Foster, Zoe
‘Morgan, do you know for sure they were together? Tess and Cameron?’
‘Well, unless kissing and cuddling is what friends do, ummm, yeah. That’s why I thought it was so weird seeing you with him, because I know you and Tess don’t get on, and if he’s with Tess, well, I wouldn’t be saying too much to him about anything, if you know what I me—’
‘And how long ago did you see them?’ I wondered whether Morgan could hear my heart hammering through the phone.
‘Phil saw them last week, I think … You sound real confused, darl, and I was sure you didn’t know, that’s why I got your number off Lou, because I thought you should be careful, hun, you know?’
‘I … I didn’t know that, no. Thanks, thanks so much for the call, Morgan. I have a customer, I’ll have to go.’
‘Anytime, hun. I would never tell you something ’less I thought it was important, and I just had a feeling that this was, for some reason. You know, people can say what they like about us WAGs, but we stick by each other when it counts.’
‘Thanks, Morgan, really. I’ll see you soon.’
‘Bye, darl. Come in for a spray this arvo, if you like; bit of colour always makes me feel better.’
I placed my phone on the counter in front of me. Then I placed my elbows either side of it and massaged my temples with my middle fingers. My eyes roamed as though I had just injected two kilos of speed; my brain raced at a pace that suggested three. Could this really be happening? No, no it just couldn’t. It was too much. I felt like I was in some twisted thriller starring Halle Berry or Clive Owen.
How did Cam even know Tess? My mind flew back to the first time I’d mentioned Josh. Oh shit, he did know her. He’d straightaway mentioned that he knew her because her little sister worked at the Nursery.
So Cam obviously knew who Tess was, but did Tess know who Cam was? Did she know his connection to me? I couldn’t see why else she would go for him. Sure, he was good-looking, but he was no F1 driver. And why wouldn’t Cam tell me he was seeing Tess? And if he was seeing Tess, or whatever it was that they had going on, why would he make a move on me, and make me a mixtape, and be so fucking headfuckingly keen?
It was too screwed up for my brain to compute. I needed to speak to Cam so that he could tell me none of it was true.
ROUND 53
Friend vs Foe
I felt light.
I felt heavy.
I was going to fall over.
I grabbed at the doorframe and steadied myself. I peered through the racks of bright hoodies and deconstructed denim by obscure Swedish designers and I searched for Cameron Riley, because I was pretty sure that I urgently needed to cause him grievous bodily harm. But first I had to lure him next door.
I walked towards the counter, trembling. He was standing there, nodding to the music, typing on the computer, yelling over his right shoulder to one of his minions.
‘Ssst!’
His head swivelled in my direction. Upon seeing me, a huge smile lit up his face, and his eyes shone with familiarity and fondness.
‘Come next door for a sec?’ I lifted my brows and gave what I hoped was a seductive, encouraging smile. He raised his brows mischievously before making a ‘gimme two’ hand signal.
I went back to the boutique, closed the door, hung the ‘Back in seven-and-a-half minutes’ sign, and waited. I felt each second pass, because with each came a new thought about what Tess and Cam could possibly have in common aside from myself and Josh, which led to another far more sinister thought, and another, and another, and my knuckles clenched and unclenched, and I told myself to stay calm and not to explode straight away, because I needed to extract as much information as possible from Cam before screaming at him and scaring him off.
I hoped that Morgan had it wrong, I truly did, but my gut told me she did not have it wrong, and in fact it was me who had it all so incredibly, mind-blowingly WRONG.
Finally, after several ice ages had passed, Cam’s familiar head poked around the corner. He noted the sign on the door as he came in, and looked at me curiously.
‘I don’t know what you’re up to, Jean Bennett, but I think I like where it’s heading, you devilish little crumpet.’
I smiled and beckoned him over.
‘I just wanted to ask what you were doing tonight,’ I said, standing behind the counter, offering a smile that stopped at the lips.
‘Did you now?’ he said, walking closer, hands snugly in his jeans pockets, nodding his head. ‘That was all?’
‘And a little chat. You’ve got a few minutes for me, surely?’
He gave me a suspicious look. ‘You’ve been drinking, haven’t you? You’re being all weird and flirty.’
‘Well, there is one other thing —’
‘I knew it!’ he said, one finger wiggling at me meaningfully. ‘Mary’s got another flat, hasn’t she?’
‘No, actually, it’s not about Mary. It’s actually … it’s actually about Tess.’
I watched his face change, but in the most miniscule fashion. If I wasn’t loaded with ammunition, I would have missed the signs altogether: the sparkle in his eyes shutting down, the smiling lips slowly shrinking.
‘What’s she done now?’ he asked in a singsong tone that was riddled with derision and non-verbal head-shaking. ‘I thought you and Fox were done, anyway. Why do you still let her get to you?’ He spoke dismissively, dotting the end of each sentence with disgust.
‘It’s not about me and Tess, though. Or even Josh and Tess. Is it, Cam?’
He looked at me, daring me to keep travelling down this path.
‘How long have you been seeing her, Cam?’
He blinked twice, fast. ‘Don’t know what you’re on about.’
‘Um, I think you do.’
He made a snorting, guffawing sound and scuffed his foot. ‘What are you on about? Jesus, you’re as crazy as her now.’
‘Am I? You sure? Nothing you need to tell me?’
‘About what?’ he spat.
‘About how people saw you and Tess making out at the Nursery? And how a friend saw you guys down at St Marks?’
I had him. I had him and he knew it. His breathing had quickened and was now streaming through his nostrils as if he were an angry bull about to charge. His face, which I had previously thought so adorable, and so handsome, was now shrouded in rage and ugliness. He shook his head; the movement was tiny and accompanied by pursed lips and squinting eyes.
‘You wouldn’t understand.’
‘What, that you have some kind of relationship with my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend who you have counselled me about, and then – and then – knowing how upset I was about Tess and Josh still hanging out, you put the moves on me, while at the same time you were actually fucking her?’ I had to stop and take in a few breaths after such a huge sentence. ‘Cam, you know what? You’re right, I don’t understand. Please enlighten me.’
He was gritting his teeth, staring at me with a quiet fury I could feel boring through my skin.
‘I have never fucked her, as you so elegantly put it.’
‘Whatever. Look me in the eye and tell me what I just said isn’t true. You can’t, can you?’
He breathed out and glanced sideways before looking to the ground.
‘It’s not what you think.’
‘Then what is it?’
‘Look, I met her through her sister one night. She was blind drunk. You’d only just started seeing Josh, and even though she was being 100 per cent DJ candy, spilling her drinks all over my equipment, all she spoke about was Josh fucking Fox. So, I put two and two together, and I got her number.’
‘Go on.’
‘I called her for a coffee a few days later. She couldn’t even remember who I was – she was a fucking bitch, actually – but when I mentioned your name … well, she agreed to come along.’
The pit in my stomach widened by another four or five kilometres. My mobile rang on the counter in front of me – it was Mum. She’d have to wait,
I thought, as I pressed the ‘silent’ button.
Cam shifted his weight to the other foot, visibly uncomfortable at having to verbalise what he’d done.
‘All right, you know what? I’m just gonna put it all on the table. Fuck it. I’m fucked now, anyway. Jean, you never knew this, and I don’t expect it’ll account for much now, but pretty much the moment I met you, I …’ He shook his head, looking down. ‘I can’t see how you never saw it. Everyone else managed to. You were, you are, an amazing girl. Everything I ever wanted – you’re cool, you’re funny, you’re gorgeous, we have fun together … But I knew that you didn’t think of me like that. And once Josh came onto the scene, I knew I didn’t have a chance. The classic fucking high-school scenario all over again: dickhead jock gets the girl, loser arty type ends up alone, pining over the dream girl he’ll never get blahblahfuckinblah.’
He took a breath and looked at me for any kind of sign that what he’d just admitted had softened me. I gave him nothing.
‘Anyway, so I figured that Tess’s all screwed up over Josh dumping her and I’m pissed because he’s got my girl … so why don’t we work together?’
‘Work together how?’ I hissed.
‘Work together to … to split you two up.’
Tears sprang to my eyes. ‘You would do that? Even though you could see how happy I was?’
He shook his head. ‘How happy you were? Give me a break, Jean. You were complaining about him all the time – how it was all so hard, and how he was letting you down, and, well, Tess had already made her little sicko stamp on the relationship; all I had to do was keep encouraging her, really. And when you’d had enough,’ he dropped his head, his voice now just above a whisper, ‘I just had to let you know how I felt.’
A lone tear fell from my right eye; I immediately wiped it away and sniffed myself upright. He was not going to see me cry.
‘Jean, look … Okay, it’s outrageously fucked up, I know that. But what happened the other night in the cab happened. Don’t deny it didn’t feel right – you can’t. I felt it, I saw it, it was meant to b—’
‘Don’t. Just don’t.’
I turned my head and wiped a small band of escapee tears.
‘Sometimes,’ his voice was soft, ‘people do crazy shit for love, Jay.’
‘Get out. Get out of here.’
Like guitar strings being tightened, his voice shifted from soft and harmonious to hard and sharp.
‘You know, Jean, I did you a favour. Tess and Josh are never gonna be over; they speak all the time. Okay, yeah, I guess I played you, but he was lying to your face.’
‘I know that, he told me that, he admitted they speak, because she’s a nutcase who’ll probably jump off a fucking cliff if they don’t! You do not compare what you did to what he has done. How dare you! You’re scum. You make me sick, you know that? I can’t believe that I was your friend and you did that to me. But most of all, I can’t believe that for one second I actually felt something for you.’
He stared at me, unused to seeing me in such a frenzy.
‘I said get OUT!’ I didn’t so much speak my words as chew them up and spit them at him. The tears were falling, the fury was flowing and he needed to take my advice or I was likely to throw a punch, or a cash register. He gave me one final look before turning to leave – a look of bitterness and disappointment. He walked to the door and, as he had done so many times before, stopped and turned to have the last word.
He looked at me menacingly. ‘Oh, and just so you know, Tess will be telling Josh about our little moment in the cab, if she hasn’t already. So if you thought you could go running back to your big hero footy guy, think again. Wheels were in motion well before you wised up, Jean.’
His angry eyes were mailbox slits, his words delivered in a foam of barely contained rage. He walked out and slammed the door.
As calmly as possible, I pulled my cardigan off the back of my stool, kneeled down behind the counter and, into its soft wool, screamed as loudly as my small, shaking body would allow.
ROUND 54
Wake-up Calls vs Selfishness
I felt hollow, raw, angry, helpless, agitated, lost and cruelly alone. I sat at home on the sofa, clutching a pillow, crying, crying, crying. I was in shock more than anything. I’d come horribly unstuck, losing it all because I stupidly thought it was all mine to begin with. Oh, it was all so eeeasy! Why, I’d simply freeze Josh until I decided if I wanted Cam, and then, once I’d decided who better suited me, well, I’d just let one kick the other into the gutter. A flawless plan! God, and I had the audacity to call Bones a player, and judge Cassie, and look down on Eric …
I heard the key turn in the door. I quickly wiped my eyes, sniffed, smoothed my hair and straightened up. I wanted so badly to tell Col everything that had happened, but I was worried she’d have no time, and even less sympathy, for her weasel of a sister. I realised with a sharp stab that I’d never even responded to her text about needing a chat the other night, because I’d needed to speak to Josh. Awesome. Way to fortify my plea.
She walked in, dumping her coat and bag and keys on the dining table.
‘Oh, look who’s home.’ Her voice was tinged with disdain.
‘Hey.’ I sniffed.
‘Are you crying?’ She walked over to face me, eyes squinting, head on an angle, and it was confirmed that, yes, I was indeed crying.
‘Jay, what happened?’ Col immediately kneeled down in front of me and snapped into caring-big-sister mode. I must have looked pretty bad for her to drop the resentment without so much as a snipe. I shook my head, trying to keep the tears in.
‘It’s … it’s okay. I’ve been such a … a cow to you lately … I’m f-f-fine.’
‘Shut up, loser. What happened?’
I looked into her eyes, loving her for being Col. Technically, we weren’t even speaking at the moment, yet here she was being kind and understanding.
‘It’s such a mess. I’ve ruined e-e-everything. Cam’ – the sobbing kicked in – ‘see, because, I just found out that Cam and Tess were together and they were trying to break Josh and me up, but I didn’t know that until after I kissed Cam, and —’
‘Hang on, whoa, whoa, whoa. You kissed Cam? Tess? What?’ Her face was alert with shock and confusion. It didn’t occur to me until this point just how far apart we had drifted; she didn’t even know that Josh and I were having troubles with Tess in the first place.
I took her through the whole miserable scenario, being sure to play up the suspense and drama of the Tess-and-Cam reveal, and marginally downplay the part where I semi-dumped Josh. I was rewarded with Nooooooo’s and You’re fucking kidding me’s in all the right spots, until there was nothing left to say and nothing left to do but for me to get up for some more tissues, because the measly collective I had clutched onto in my time of need looked as though they’d been through the claws of a playful labrador.
Collapsing back onto the sofa while Col remained on the floor – one arm resting on the sofa, propping up her head, deep in thought – I wondered what advice would finally spill from my sister’s mouth. I knew it would be as blunt as a caveman’s club, and probably delivered in a similarly fitting fashion, but I’d be grateful for any kind of guidance.
‘So, Cam admitted that he and Tess were together?’
‘Yep. Remember I told you he said that she’d already told Josh we kissed? Which means they must’ve spoken today or yesterday.’ I shook my head, taking a new tissue to once more clear the banks of the Great River of Snot.
‘What a fuckin’ little schemer. I mean, we all knew he liked you, but I wouldn’t have guessed he’d do something like this. That said, they’re kind of suited, Cam and Tess. Sickos. They could psychologically torture each other happily without ruining anyone else’s lives – buying each other straitjackets for Christmas, Hannibal face masks for Valentine’s Day …’
I managed one of those noises that sits midway between crying and laughing.
Col shook her
head. ‘And I thought I had relationship issues …’
‘How … how is that all going, Col? The trial?’
She twirled a chunky curl with her left hand and shrugged.
‘It’s okay, I guess. I’m not sure, to be honest, if I will ever be able to trust him fully. I really wish I could, but there’s some serious scar tissue there I just can’t seem to get past, no matter how much he tells me he’s changed and he’ll never do it again. But, you know, I guess everyone deserves a second chance – we’re all human and yada yada yada – so I promised myself I will give it at least a few months before I cut the cord once and for all. Who knows what’ll happen …’
There was a soft silence.
‘Col, I’m … I’m so sorry for not being there for you. And not just at your barbecue and shopping with Mum that day – although I really am sorry about that – but emotionally, you know, the whole bit. I’ve been so caught up in my own world and myself, and I know this can’t be easy for you after what happened with Eric, and yet, I’ve just completely abandoned you. I’m an arsehole, Col. I apologise.’
‘You’ll hear no argument here: you are an arsehole.’ She looked up at me, a tinge of sadness in her eyes. ‘I know I play tough bitch, but I’ve really needed you lately. And it’s partly my fault for not telling you that. But, I don’t know, I thought sisters were just supposed to feel it in their waters or whatever.’
I didn’t expect that. But I did deserve it. Fresh tears, direct from the Non-relationship sector of my brain, filled my eyes.
‘Don’t get all upset. Just be a grown-up, Jean, and accept that not everyone’s going to love you all the time. Especially if you let them down. I’ll forgive you, but sometimes you gotta take your blinkers off and be a bit more sensitive to the people you love, and what they might be going through.’
I nodded, gulping back my tears and wondering how I hadn’t fallen between the cracks of the sofa, seeing as I now felt around 1.6 centimetres tall.