by L. P. Dover
“Shelby Dawson,” he whispered low; close by my ear. “I never thought I’d see you again.”
Shivering, I wanted to say, That was the plan, but I couldn’t tear my gaze away from his face long enough to even form a coherent thought … much less speak.
HOLY FUCK!
The second she crashed into my arms I thought I was seeing things. There was no way she could be the same Shelby, but it was. For ten years she had been a memory that plagued my mind, except now she wasn’t just a memory. She was the girl I grew up with … and the first, and last girl I had ever been in love with. Now she stood in front of me and it was like everything disappeared and I was taken to a time ten years ago.
Her hair wasn’t the same light brown as before, but a deep, chestnut brown with golden pieces here and there. The cream colored dress she wore looked sexy as hell clinging onto every curve of her body, along with the knee-high brown boots that made her about three inches taller, bringing her face almost level with mine. She had thinned out a little, her face was not as full as it used to be, but her eyes …
Dammit, her eyes were exactly the same as I remembered. They were a chocolate brown, just a tad bit lighter than her hair, with specks of gold and green. If I wasn’t careful I’d get lost in them again, and the last thing I wanted was for her to know that even after ten years I still thought about her from time to time.
“Matt,” she whispered, breaking me out of my trance.
Immediately, I let her arms go and took a step back, the awkward silence hanging heavy in the air. When Garrett waltzed over and slapped me on the back I could tell Shelby was only holding on by a thread. Something wasn’t right with her, I could feel it, and it wasn’t just the normal awkwardness you’d get after you broke up with someone.
From the expression on Garrett’s face he could feel my tension, but he laughed it off and said, “Well, I see you met the beautiful Shelby who writes as the illustrious Paige Monroe. How about we go and get something to drink while the lady makes her phone call?”
Wait, what? Shelby is Paige Monroe?
“Thank you, Garrett,” Shelby cut in before I could say anything. Hesitantly, she met my gaze briefly before turning back to my agent. “If you two will excuse me, I’m going to go outside and make my call.”
She brushed by me quickly and rushed out the front door. Again, I watched her as she walked away, but this time she actually turned her head and glanced back at me. From the look of raw emotion on her face I knew right then that she wasn’t planning on coming back inside.
Do I let her go again when I know she’s not coming back? The answer was simple … no. All I had to do was run out that door and make her talk to me. Which is exactly what I’m going to do.
Ignoring Garrett’s remarks, I rushed out the front door of the restaurant and bolted into the parking lot. Not having a clue what kind of vehicle she drove, I scanned the row of cars until I found her in a little black Q60 convertible. Quickly, she backed out of the space and sped out of the parking lot.
Damn, she was fast. There was no way I could’ve gotten to her in time. She was gone, but now that I knew exactly where to find her I had a place to start. She wasn’t going to run away from me this time. I refused to let the past repeat itself, and as I got in my car the past was all I could think about.
It was late in the summer and Shelby only had a few more days until she left to move into her apartment at the university. Berkeley was only about an hour and a half away, so we knew we could see each other any time we wanted. However, there was something wrong and I couldn’t figure out what it was. For the past week she had steadily grown distant and never once could I get her to smile. She didn’t want me to touch her, and when I would she’d recoil from me.
We had just gone out to dinner, and for the third night in a row she’d barely eaten anything on her plate. As soon as I pulled into her driveway to drop her off I couldn’t take it anymore.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” I blurted out angrily. “Have I pissed you off or something?”
Slowly¸ Shelby turned her tear streaked face toward me. I didn’t want to think that she had cheated on me, not my angel, but the thought had crossed my mind several times. “Are you cheating on me with someone else?” I asked through clenched teeth.
Quickly, and with her eyes wide, she shook her head and cried, “No, Matt, I would never do that to you. I just …”
The blow was coming, and it was what I had feared ever since she and I started our relationship. I was the poor boy from the wrong side of the tracks and she was the one with the money and the privileges. I thought we were stronger than that and she knew damn well that I was going to make something of myself one day.
“Finish your sentence, Shelby,” I growled. “You just what? What are you not saying?”
Sagging against the seat, she closed her eyes and blew out a shaky breath. “I’m saying this isn’t going to work when I go off to college. We’ve been together so long and neither one of us has had the chance to experience other things.”
I scoffed, clenching the steering wheel so hard my hands started to shake. “You mean experience other people? So, what you’re saying is that everything you told me a couple of weeks ago about us always being together was bullshit? Dammit, Shelby, I told you I wanted to marry you someday, and when I did I had never seen you so full of life … so happy. You said you wanted that. Why would you lie to me?”
“Matt, please,” she begged. “Just let me go.”
“Answer me!” I shouted. “Was it all bullshit?”
Lowering her head, she closed her eyes and my heart ripped in fucking two when she finally had the audacity to answer, her voice cold and disconnected, “None of it was real. I just didn’t want to hurt your feelings. We live different lives and I don’t see it working out for us in the future.”
“What the fuck, Shelby,” I spat. “We’ve been together for five years and you’re just now realizing that? Why can’t you look me in the eyes and say this?” I demanded. “Tell me you don’t love me anymore and I’m gone.”
She hesitated, but it was only a second before she whispered the words I dreaded to hear, “I don’t love you anymore, Matt. It’s over.”
That was all it took for me to snap. “Then get out,” I growled, reaching over her to open her door. “I have nothing more to say to you.”
Bursting into tears, she slowly got out of my car and shut the door. Against my better judgment, I looked over at her once before backing out of the driveway. Collapsed on the ground, she had her face in her hands. Even with the loud rumble of my engine, I could hear her gut-wrenching scream. Something inside me told me to stay, but my pride wouldn’t let me. My pride won the fight.
Shelby was never very good at keeping her feelings in check, and I could usually tell when she was lying or keeping something from me. Her turning her back on me like that was too sudden, completely wrong, and being the fucking idiot that I was all I did was get pissed instead of fighting for her the way I should have. I let my pride get in the way.
My phone rang about ten minutes after I left the café and in my haste I realized I never told Garrett I was leaving to go after Shelby. “What the hell is going on?” he barked. “I just got a call from Shelby saying she’s not doing the article now. Why would she pull out? Please tell me she’s not one of the people you fucked and screwed over.”
Huffing, I snapped into the phone, “Not that it’s any of your business, but I’m on my way to see her now. I’ll get it all sorted out.”
“You better,” he exclaimed. “This spread will do wonders for your career. Whatever’s going on you better fix it … fast!”
Rolling my eyes, I threw my phone into the passenger seat and pressed the gas as hard as I could, burning up my new tires in the process. I didn’t care. All that mattered at the moment was seeing Shelby and getting the past put to rest.
I was almost there.
I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT ANGERED me more … the fact t
hat I couldn’t contain my weakness around Matt, or the fact that I was disappointed he didn’t come after me. I knew better than to think we could pick up where we left off, but dammit to hell if I didn’t secretly wish it. However, forgetting about the past ten years wouldn’t be easy, especially keeping the one reason why I left a secret.
Not having a clue what I was going to say to my boss when I got back to the office, I decided it was best to lay low and figure out what the hell I was going to do about the article. Being around Matt for the next month would be torture and I honestly didn’t think I could handle it. His life was so different now, and seeing him with all the women over the years almost broke me. My heart couldn’t take any more of that pain, especially when I was just really getting into the process of moving on.
Feeling completely numb, by the time I got up to my office the view of the Golden Gate Bridge, which always relaxed me, didn’t even faze me as I gazed out my window. Why can’t I move on from this? It would be so much easier if I could just forget everything from my past. Caleb said he could make me forget, but now it was too late. If I could find the courage to tell Matt the truth and find redemption then it wouldn’t be so bad, but that wasn’t going to happen.
Leaning my forehead against the window, I closed my eyes and sighed as the cold glass made my body shiver. “I can’t do this,” I whispered sadly to myself.
“Yes, you can. Or at least the Shelby I used to know could,” commented a voice behind me.
Immediately, I stiffened, my eyes flying wide open in surprise. My heart pounded in my ears, and the thought that he actually did come after me when I believed he wouldn’t only made it beat harder. Knowing me, I probably just imagined it was his voice. However, when I turned around he was there, leaning back in the seat in front of my desk all calm and collected with his hands clasped behind his head.
Crossing my arms over my chest, I took a deep breath in and huffed. “Well, that’s kind of rude to enter someone’s office without knocking. How long have you been sitting there?”
He rolled his eyes and sighed, shaking his head incredulously. “Long enough to know that something’s wrong. Besides, you were too deep in thought to hear my knock anyway. Is it honestly that bad if you have to do an article on me?”
Unclasping his hands, he got to his feet and slowly walked around the edge of my desk. By the time he made it to me there was only two feet between us, and it took every ounce of strength I had not to close the distance. His green eyes were too intense, staring at me with a million emotions swirling inside of them.
It was too much, so I tore my gaze away, assuring him, “That’s not it, Matt. It’s the thought of spending a month following you around that I have a problem with.”
He scoffed incredulously, his posture stiff and tense. “Why? Because I’m not good enough? After all I’ve accomplished, you still think that of me? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve come a long way in the past ten years, Shelby.”
Licking my dry lips, I pressed them together and closed my eyes, squeezing them shut as hard as I could to push back the tears. This was my chance to make amends, to make things right and at least tell him that I didn’t leave because of that. It broke my heart that he thought I didn’t think he was good enough.
“Yes,” I answered him, nodding my head quickly. “You have come a long way and I couldn’t be more proud of you. I never once thought you weren’t good enough. You were always good enough for me.”
He visibly relaxed and lightly touched my chin, lifting it up. From his gentle touch, I wasn’t expecting the accusation that came out of his mouth next. “Yeah, but it wasn’t enough, was it? As soon as you go off to college you start dating the first rich boy you could find.”
Jerking my chin away, I opened my eyes and glared at him. “Excuse me,” I snapped, “what the hell are you talking about?”
Casually, he leaned against my desk, his hard glare focused solely on something over my shoulder. When I turned my head to follow his gaze, I found exactly what he was looking at. It was a picture of me and … Jace, and from the looks of it, any outsider would think we were a couple.
It was right after we graduated college and we celebrated it by spending a week in Bora Bora with Lexi and a few of our other friends. In the picture, Jace had his arm around my waist, holding me close, and we both had the biggest smiles on our faces. It was one of the best weeks of my life.
“Are you two still together?” Matt asked, his voice low and hesitant.
“What? No,” I exclaimed, turning back to him with wide eyes. “Jace and I aren’t together; we never were. We became friends at Berkeley, and even to this day we’re really close. However, as far as relationships go I’m not his type, if you know what I mean. For his family’s sake he likes for me to pretend I’m with him when they’re in town, but other than that he does his own thing.”
Sheepishly, Matt crossed his arms across his chest and looked down at the floor. “I … I didn’t know. I assumed that after I saw you two together—”
“Wait,” I interrupted him. “You saw us together? When?”
Still keeping his eyes downcast, he began, “It was a long time ago, not long after you left Sacramento. I think it might have been about a month after. Anyway, I drove out to the college and walked around to see if I could find you. I was about to give up, when out of nowhere there you were. You were sitting alone by this huge water fountain in the middle of campus and by the distressed look on your face I knew something was wrong. Before I could get to you,” he said, nodding toward Jace in the picture and then back to me, “your friend showed up and put his arms around you. I assumed you two were together so I turned around and walked away.”
Frozen in place, the only thing I could feel was the warm tear sliding down my cheek. If I had known he came after me, would things be different now?
“You came after me?” I asked, whispering the words.
He lifted his head and nodded, his gorgeous green eyes no longer staring back at me with anger, but with sorrow and regret. “I was so angry at you, Shelby. I thought maybe there was a reason you did what you did, but then I saw you with that guy and all I could focus on was the feeling of being betrayed. After that I decided to care only about myself and my family, and that’s when I started fighting.”
Reaching for my hand, he pulled me to his side; our arms brushed together as I leaned back against the desk beside him. It felt so good to be close to him, it felt like … home. With his voice just above a whisper, he remarked softly, “All I wanted was to hate you, but now that you’re right here in front of me I just hate myself because I still can’t. No matter how hard I tried, I could never get you out of my mind.”
He turned his body toward me and I did the same to him, my stomach fluttering. I wanted him to touch me and I counted down the seconds as he brought his hands up slowly to each side of my face. The instant he touched me, my skin tingled and I sighed in longing, rubbing my cheeks against the feel of his hands.
“Matt,” I whispered breathlessly, “I’ve missed you so much.”
“Then tell me the truth, Shelby,” he breathed, his voice a low growl. “Did you really stop loving me?”
Relishing in the feel of his hands on my skin, I wasn’t sure how long I stood there staring into his eyes, which mirrored the same heat and longing I knew was in my own. There was a pull, drawing me to him as if gravity had a mind of its own, and it kept pushing us closer together. When our lips touched, that one single spark was all it took to unlock every single emotion—every single desire—I had hidden in the depths of my soul. Lifting my hands to his face, I held him to me as he opened my lips with his tongue, pushing his way inside, possessing me.
I wanted him again, but then I knew I shouldn’t. I had to remember that so many other women had tasted his lips and felt his body between their legs while my heart ached. Although, it wasn’t a full day ago that I was in the arms of another man; kissing him, and vowing to myself that I was going to tr
y and get over my past. Those thoughts were enough of a distraction to cool the ache inside of me that burned for his touch. Sighing, I moved away from the desk to put distance between us. If I didn’t I would completely lose any sense of reality around him, especially with the way he looked at me with such raw and untamed passion.
“The answer to your question is no,” I claimed breathlessly before steeling myself. “I never stopped loving you, Matt.”
He pushed off the desk and started to speak, but I held up my hand to get him to stop. I had to get everything out … well, almost everything.
“I know you’re not going to understand why I did what I did, but you have to trust me when I say it was for the best. You needed to venture out and make something of yourself. You wouldn’t be where you are today if I would’ve stayed.”
Matt’s mouth dropped and he scoffed in disbelief, stalking toward me to close the distance I just put between us.
“What? You’re not making any fucking sense,” he snapped while angrily running his hands through his dark hair. “So you left because you thought it would make me better? That’s horse shit and you know it. You have no idea what things would’ve been like if you stayed. I could’ve been better for all you know, and most importantly, it wasn’t your choice to decide what was best for me.”
With his jaw clenched, he turned away from me to look out the window. What have I done? After all this time the pain was as raw as an open sore that wouldn’t heal. It kept reopening, and each time the pain would go deeper. Slowly, I edged toward him, my heart breaking with each step.
“Matt, I’m so sorry,” I cried. “I left because I loved you … and I still do.”
Leaning over on the window sill, he hung his head and blew out a shaky breath, lifting his arms defiantly. “I just don’t understand. I feel like I’m missing something here. You don’t leave the people you love, Shelby. That’s not how it works. You, of all people, knew the hell I went through after my father left.”