by E. N. Joy
“Yeah, well, we still get a paycheck, so that’s really all that matters.”
“You’re right about that,” Norman said, catching his eyes wandering back down to her cleavage. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t seem to control them. When he finally looked up, Paige’s eyes were locked with his. He knew that she’d caught his wandering eyes. “Nice, uh, crucifix.” He pointed to the gold cross necklace that she wore around her neck. It was on an eighteen-inch chain, and sat right in the midst of her cleavage.
“Thank you,” Paige replied, fondling the cross with her hand.
“So, uh, how’s that car of yours running?” Norman changed the subject. He enjoyed cars as much as he did breasts, so he hoped changing the subject to a set of wheels would supersede his interest in the set of breasts before him.
“Oh, just fine now. It wasn’t nothing but the favor of the Lord that the uncle of the night clerk at that hotel was a certified mechanic and was able to get my car back in shape.”
“Yeah, it’s amazing what a piece of Doublemint gum, a bobby pin, and a rubber band can do.”
Paige nudged Norman playfully. “Cut it out.” She laughed. “He used real tools and real parts. Anyway, I’m just so glad you were there with me.”
“And I’m so glad that I was there with you too.”
Paige thought she sensed a romantic undertone to Norman’s words. It made her blush.
A couple of months ago, Paige would have been slightly uncomfortable with the direction in which she thought their conversation was going, but not now. Now she almost seemed to welcome it. It was like she needed it. But why now? That was what she couldn’t comprehend. Why now when she was a newlywed? Maybe back when she was single, perhaps the validation would have been nice, but she had a husband, a man who had committed to spend the rest of his life with her, not just the rest of the night.
The irony was that now that she was a married woman, she should have been feeling more fulfilled than ever, but instead, she felt empty. There was some type of void, and a part of her couldn’t deny that she felt as if she was staring at just the person who could fill it.
“Is that so?” Paige decided to tease.
“It’s very much so,” Norman said. Surprised that she was not only welcoming his subtle flirting, but that she was responding with a little flirting of her own, Norman moved in closer to Paige. Before he could help himself, he’d reached up and caressed her face. “I don’t know what’s been going on lately between you and me. I’ve tried to fight it, but I just can’t. I don’t know why, after all these years, I never saw it before. But, Paige, you are one wonderful woman, and I’ve gotta have you.” Norman pressed his lips up against Paige’s and planted one on her. This time Paige knew that it was no accident. He pulled back slightly, just to get a reaction from her. Her eyes beckoned for another, so he obliged her.
At that moment, neither of them cared that two customers were approaching the ticket window. They were in their own little world. No one else existed. For Paige, who wasn’t in her God given right mind, but wrapped up in fantasy mode, had even forgotten all about her husband. That was until the alarm clock rang, waking her from her sleep, only to find her husband snoring loudly next to her.
She rubbed her dreamy eyes and shook her head, shaking loose the after-thoughts from the sunrise dream she’d just had with Norman starring as the leading man. She sat up in bed and turned off the alarm. Now the only sound that filled the room was that of Blake’s snoring. She rolled her eyes up in her head at the sound. It was hard to believe that not too long ago she’d wake up and watch him sleep. The sound of his snoring was like music to her ears then. She was just in so much awe at the blessing God had bestowed upon her in the form of a husband. On this morning, her blessing felt more like a curse.
“Get up, honey,” she said with an irritated nudge to Blake’s back, which was facing her. “Time for you to go to work.” She then mumbled under her breath, “As if anything else is new.”
As Blake came out of his stupor, Paige got up and headed to the bathroom. Blake rolled over to see his wife’s backside headed into the bathroom.
“What, no”—the bathroom door slammed in his face—“good morning or nothing?” He finished his query, but Paige was already on the other side of the door. He was used to Paige giving him a good morning greeting that included a peck on his lips. Neither of them minded the other’s morning breath. That was a part of being married, right? Blake cupped his hand around his mouth and blew his breath into it. He inhaled only to find that his morning breath hadn’t gotten any worse than it had been in days past. So what was it? What was it that was putting an end to his and Paige’s morning ritual? Was the honeymoon over? That was what he asked himself, but then he remembered that it had never really begun.
Paige had taken a shower the night before, so she didn’t have a logical excuse as to why she was standing in the shower this morning. Logical, maybe not, but the truth was that she didn’t feel like holding a conversation with Blake. She’d already stormed off without even saying so much as “Good morning,” let alone giving him the morning peck on the lips he had grown used to. She had grown used to.
Then, if truth be told, maybe she felt the need to wash away the memories of the dream from which she’d just awoken. It had felt so real that she felt the need to repent. But she couldn’t control her dreams, could she? It wasn’t her fault she’d had an adulterous dream.
As she stood in the shower, simply allowing the hot water to massage her body, she knew she had a part in what was going on between her and Norman—a huge part. She knew that her mind was a battlefield, and the battle had been taking place in her mind for years. But she was certain she’d won the battle after finding the perfect man—well, after him finding her—and not only that, but marrying him. For a little while it seemed as though everything was under control, but here lately she was losing it.
“I gotta get this thing under control. I just have to,” she scolded herself. Closing her eyes, she began to recite, “God has given me a sound mind…a sound mind. Do you hear that, mind? You are sound.” The frustration in her voice was evident. She wasn’t convinced. It was happening again. The lust-filled daydreams and fantasies…about men. All kinds of men. The daydreams and fantasies she used to share with Norman in their worldly conversations. Unbeknownst to Norman, these things had actually never taken place. Well, they had taken place, but only in Paige’s mind. The men had been real, but none of the romantic rendezvous had been real, just the wishful thinking of a big girl. Their interest in her had been fluffed up to the tenth power. It was all a front. She was all a front.
On the outside, Paige wanted everybody to think that she had it all together, that she was proud of who she was, confident in the skin she was in. She wanted them to believe that not only did she love herself, but that the world loved her as well, and nothing about her, especially her weight, could keep her from getting a man and the attention she deserved. The attention that any skinny little chick would get.
Once she’d gotten saved and learned how marvelous, fearfully and wonderfully made God had created her, she started to think more highly of herself than she ought. Too highly. So highly that even if a man really had taken a sincere interest in her, she’d shoot him down before he even had a chance to show it.
She tried to convince herself that she was shooting these men down because they had reminded her in one way or another of her father. For years she’d watched her mother wait on her father hand and foot, to the point where she felt she was running herself so ragged that she didn’t have time to spend with Paige. But just last year, after having a long overdue conversation with her mother, Paige realized that her mother enjoyed that part of her role as a wife. It was her way of telling her father that she loved him without actually saying it. In other words, it was her mother’s way of showing her father how much she loved him. So Paige’s excuse and cop-out came tumbling down in a matter of minutes. But fortunately, Blake had been the
re to catch the fall, her fall. He wasn’t a fantasy, but God had really sent her a man who loved her in spite of her thoughts. She’d been so focused and consumed with courting Blake that her mind hadn’t had time to wander off to La-La Land. But now things were changing.
Paige felt as though she’d taken ten steps forward when she finally gained control over her wandering mind, but now she felt as though she’d taken eleven steps back. Tears mixed with the water as she shook her head. She covered her ears as if they were a trick passage to her mind and she was trying to protect anything foul from intruding. “Please, God, not again,” she wept. But no matter how much she cried and prayed, she knew it was happening again: her mind was about to stray. She hoped she had enough strength not to follow it.
Chapter Twenty-four
“So, Raygene, can I get you anything?” Tamarra asked her niece as she waved her hand at a chair, which was the girl’s invitation to sit down.
“No thanks. I’m fine,” Raygene said, taking a seat. She looked around, as this was the first time she’d seen the inside of Tamarra’s place. The last time she dropped by, Tamarra hadn’t invited her past the driveway. “Nice place.” She made standard conversation.
“Thank you.” Tamarra stood, too nervous to sit down. She wanted to pace, but with her mind she had commanded her feet to stay planted. And they were planted, all right. They felt like they were planted in a tub of cement, because she wanted to run, but she couldn’t. Not technically run away from Raygene, but run away from what Raygene stood for, which was a reminder of the girl’s father.
“I was surprised to see you when you showed up at the book event. I had no idea you were the wonderful caterer everyone was talking about. You have quite a reputation,” Raygene complimented as she sat there with her legs crossed and hands folded across her knees.
Tamarra wasn’t in the mood for small talk. She wanted to know what this girl wanted. Surely it had been obvious to Raygene that Tamarra didn’t want anything to do with her, that she didn’t want to strike up a relationship with her after all of these years. So, what did she want? It must have been big, because she was buttering her up with all these compliments that Tamarra could care less about.
As awful as it sounded, Tamarra wanted her out, not just out of her house, but out of her life. The quickest way to get her out was to not beat around the bush, and get right to the point. She needed to find out why the girl was here, in her home and in her town. More importantly, why had she been in her church?
“Humph, I’m sure you were surprised to see me at that book event.” Tamarra couldn’t have been any more sarcastic. “But surely not as surprised as I was to see you in my church the other day, heading into my pastor’s office.”
There was silence as Raygene bowed her head. She was going to use the silence as an opportunity to think up something to say. After careful consideration, though, she decided to cut to the chase with the truth. “I want you to acknowledge me.” That was it, plain and simple. At least that’s what Tamarra thought, until Raygene parted her lips to speak again. “I want you to let people know who I am. I want a relationship with you. I want you to invite me over to dinner. I want us to cook together.” The more she spoke, the bolder her tone became, as if Tamarra owed her these things. “I want us to go shopping together. I want you to come to my school functions: my prom, my homecoming, soccer games…” Clearly the girl’s mind was going to “way back when” as she became emotional. As a college student, prom and homecoming had come and gone. Tears filled and then fell from her eyes as she continued. “Dance recitals, PTA meetings—”
“Hold it right there.” Tamarra put up her hand. “Isn’t that a bit much?”
The girl seemed flabbergasted as she stood, but she appeared to be more hurt than anything. “Are you serious? I have friends at school with distant cousins who show them more support. I’d think after twenty-something years, and now with me living back in the same state with you, that you’d want to make up for some kind of lost time.”
Tamarra’s blood was boiling. Surely the girl was only running off at the mouth in hopes of piling a heap of guilt on Tamarra. It didn’t make her feel guilty, though. In actuality it peeved her off. And she was about to let Miss Thang know it. “I don’t care if it’s been thirty-something years. You are still the child, so don’t think for one minute you have any right to walk up in my house and try to read me.” Tamarra was pointing her finger and her voice was different. It sounded like it did many moons ago, back before she was saved, and walked around in offense with an attitude. Looks like she was offended—highly offended.
The girl just shook her head as she wiped her eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to disrespect you.” She sat back down. “It’s just that I was certain once you saw me, you’d just…” She couldn’t even finish her sentence before her shoulders were heaving up and down.
Tamarra didn’t want to see the girl hurting, but she didn’t want her to live in some fantasy that the two of them would ever have the type of relationship she was seeking. “Honestly, Raygene, and in no way is this meant to hurt you, but when I saw you…” Tamarra choked back tears of her own. “All I could see was him—your father. It took me back there, and I just can’t go back there. I won’t go back there. It’s not your fault. I’m sure you are a good girl, but I just can’t get past the circumstances.”
“Then give it to God,” Raygene blurted.
The girl’s comment even shocked Tamarra. “Huh?”
“Then give it to God. That’s what your pastor said you should do.”
Tamarra dang near hit the roof. “What?” she shouted. “You told Pastor that—”
“No, I didn’t,” Raygene assured her. “We were just speaking in general. I wanted to see how much your pastor knew before I went into any detail, but when I realized that your pastor knew nothing—”
“And it’s going to stay that way, so don’t you come snooping around trying to cause confusion in my life when everything is going just perfect.”
Raygene gave her a sarcastic little chuckle. “Is it now? Your life is just so perfect that there is absolutely no room for me, Miss Imperfect, Miss I Probably Wish She Was Never Born. Wow, that’s nice to know because—”
“You are right; I do wish you were never born,” Tamarra told her. “There are men out here who’d kill to produce a child but can’t, and God lets my brother be a father. What kind of sick—”
“Do you believe in forgiveness?” Raygene shot. “Do you believe that God forgives us for our sins and wrongdoings?”
“Well, uh, of course. But don’t get the wrong idea, Raygene. I’m not saying that you are a sin, that you are some evil spawn of Satan. It’s just that forgiveness isn’t my strong forte. But believe you me, I’m working on it. As a matter of fact, I’ve already done some forgiving.”
“Obviously you haven’t forgiven my father. If you had, then it wouldn’t be so hard for you to accept me. Then when you look into my eyes, you wouldn’t see his and punish me for his sins. But that’s all right, because guess what? Even if you haven’t forgiven him, that’s okay, because God didn’t sit around and wait on you to forgive him before He did. God has forgiven my father. If I didn’t believe it before, I surely believe it after speaking with your pastor and the scriptures—”
“Why did you go to my pastor? There were a million and one spiritual leaders you could have gone to in order to find out whether or not your daddy had been forgiven. Why’d you go to mine?”
“I guess I just wanted confirmation. I mean, I knew in my spirit that I didn’t exist in your little world. Oh, my bad, your perfect little world, but I guess I had to just find out firsthand. As soon as I realized your pastor didn’t even know you had a brother, I knew without a doubt that your pastor had no idea that I existed. So, I just started using hypothetical situations and scenarios during our talk. But don’t worry; I didn’t include you in any of them.”
“So, who does Pastor think you are in relation to me?”
>
“Your pastor just thinks I’m someone that a member evangelized to, told me about and invited me to New Day. Don’t worry; I didn’t blow your cover.”
Tamarra exhaled. She was more than relieved. This girl’s little stunt had landed her in the ER, but all was well now. Hopefully. “So, what do you want now?”
Raygene couldn’t believe how cold Tamarra’s voice was. She didn’t know many Christians, and she hadn’t been a practicing Christian herself, although she believed in God and was good people. But she was certain the Christian standing before her wasn’t showing her the love of God. She wasn’t showing her any love at all. Raygene felt defeated. So, with the little bit of self worth she had left, she gathered it up and stood to leave. “Nothing. I want nothing from you. Sorry I wasted your time, but more importantly, I’m sorry I was born too.” Raygene walked over to the door and waited for Tamarra to unlock it so that she could leave.
A zillion-bazillion thoughts and emotions were running through Tamarra’s mind right now. The emotion that surprised her most was the one that wanted to just take the girl in her arms and make up for all those years she’d missed out on her life. It was the emotion that wanted family to love so badly, but Tamarra fought it. Now wasn’t the time. She prayed that one day she’d be ready, willing, and able to give Raygene what she wanted, but today wasn’t the day.
Against what the more overwhelming emotions were pulling at Tamarra to do, she opened her front door and let Raygene exit.
“So, I guess this is it.” Raygene was giving Tamarra one last chance to just open her arms and embrace her.