WRAITH (Iron Kings MC, #1)

by Franca Storm

  He grabbed my arm. “I need you, not the monster. It’ll put everybody and everything in danger. Ain’t gonna risk none of that.”

  I jerked my arm from his hold and cursed under my breath as I turned away.

  “Ashley!” he called out.

  That had me stopping in my tracks.

  Goddamn it!

  “She needs you to do this, to be real fucking careful with this shit.”

  Son of a bitch.

  “You hearing me, Finn?” he pushed. “You gonna do this for her?”

  “Yeah,” I ground out. “I will.”

  22

  ~Wraith~

  HURT.

  Ruin.

  Break.

  Rage.

  The monster at its worst.

  Or, according to its creators, its best.

  Its most destructive.

  Its most efficient.

  Its most useful.

  A mindset of annihilation, where the mission was all. Collateral damage didn’t exist to it. Guilt couldn’t touch it. There was just action, no consequences.

  It was what they’d wanted, what had made me such a major asset. The best of the best.

  What they’d made me into.

  What they’d used me for.

  What they’d tried to kill me for.

  And what had nearly destroyed me.

  It’d taken me a hell of a long time and a shitload of pain to bind that part of me, to cage the animal I’d become, and to find my way back to some semblance of humanity.

  I’d been right on the cusp of hitting the two-year mark of all of that recovery.

  Of retirement.

  Of reclusiveness.

  Of being off the grid.

  Of being well and truly out.

  But, fuck, I’d been kidding myself to think it could’ve lasted any longer.

  Hell, two years was a godsend for an irredeemable bastard like me.

  And to be brutally honest, when Scott had come calling and pulled me back in, I’d welcomed it.

  I’d been going more than a little stir-crazy stuck in forced retirement. I’d been a person of action for the entirety of my adult life, so it’d been mental torture to remain still for so long. I’d fallen back into that dangerous, dark and high-stakes existence so easily, as though I’d never left it to begin with. As sick as it sounded, it’d been comfortable, soothing, really.

  But with that came a significant pitfall.

  Every time I engaged in any sort of violence and brutality, it called to the twisted part of me. And, as deep as I’d thought it’d been buried, it’d started to claw its way back up.

  Scott knew how it worked. He’d been there with me through it when I’d first become… that, and he’d warned me to get out with him when he’d left. Just in time.

  I hadn’t.

  I hadn’t wanted to leave that world. I hadn’t been able to reconcile the idea of living a mundane civilian existence.

  But, fuck, I should’ve listened to him. Because, just being here for a few weeks, it’d become clear that club life with the Iron Kings wasn’t mundane and it was a step beyond regular civilian life. It was a different sort of existence altogether. An existence I could find true happiness in.

  If the monster didn’t take me over.

  The bitch of it was, I’d had it down pat. I’d had it leashed.

  It was all about control. An intense level of control. My life had to be a well-choreographed, rigid system of checks and balances. Every aspect had to be governed by ironclad rules, rules that could never be broken.

  Remaining level-headed and objective.

  Reeling in strong reactions and emotions.

  Avoiding violent confrontations at all costs.

  Keeping my distance from the outside world.

  Swearing off romantic entanglements, especially the intense kind.

  Jesus. I’d broken every single one of them since I’d let Scott pull me back in.

  Since I’d come back into contact with Ashley.

  Just a few hours ago, I’d let her bend me and challenge my control. I’d actually lost my hold on it for a few moments. Fucking out in the open, in the clubhouse that her father owned and ran? What in the hell had I been thinking?

  The simple answer was that I obviously hadn’t been. At all.

  And I couldn’t allow it to happen again.

  Scott was right. I was on the edge.

  There was no way I could go over it. It would risk everything and everyone. I’d lose everything again. And this time, I had so much more to worry about losing.

  My new brotherhood.

  My new chance at a better life.

  But, most of all, the only woman I’d ever loved.

  “Fuck,” I muttered, as I lobbed the blade I’d been spinning in my hand at the oak tree several feet in the distance. It hit dead-center, just like the two before it. Once again, the usual relief and satisfaction that surged through me with this self-created therapy, eluded me. The weight of everything bearing down on me had fucked all over it.

  At least it had succeeded in one of its purposes. It calmed my mind, helped to center me. It was a tool I used to regain my control when I felt it straining.

  I was about to start toward the tree to retrieve the blades and start the process all over again, when the crunch of footsteps on the graveled courtyard caught my attention.

  Light, soft steps.

  Not any of the boys then.

  I hadn’t expected any of them to come out. They could see I needed space and they’d granted it to me. Everyone had their own shit going on right now too, they all seemed to be keeping to themselves, each awash in their own thoughts and worries about the coming war.

  To say it was a tense time right now was a major understatement.

  “Finn?”

  I turned around to see Ashley strolling up to me.

  It was no wonder her footsteps were so light. She was wearing slippers. Fluffy white things. They matched the cotton bathrobe wrapped around her.

  She looked like a real life angel casting light through the darkness all around us.

  She shuddered as the wind picked up, blowing her hair all over the place. She winced against its bitter chill and pulled her robe tighter around her.

  I closed the distance between us and shrugged off my leather jacket, quickly draping it around her.

  “Why are you out here so late?” I asked her, zipping her up in my jacket.

  She smiled sweetly, her eyes sparkling up at me. “Shouldn’t that be my question?”

  There was no reprimand in her tone, just concern. I wasn’t surprised. That was her through and through. Selfless, caring, and so incredibly sweet. All heart.

  And she’d been wearing that heart on her sleeve for me, exposed and utterly vulnerable.

  I’d made a vow to myself that I’d safeguard it. I knew what a rare gift it was, especially for a bent bastard like me, to have someone give me that, to consider me worthy of that. To trust me with that.

  The sentiment cruel to be kind kept playing in my head. I had to protect her. It was what I did, what I’d been doing, and what I would always do. No matter the cost.

  That had all been fine when the cost had been me.

  But to do it now, to protect her from me right now, that cost would be a lot harder to swallow.

  Sometimes doing the right thing didn’t feel right.

  Especially when it meant hurting the woman I loved.

  “So, this is another way you sublimate your frustration? Knife-throwing?” Ashley spoke through the lingering silence between us, pulling me from my maudlin thoughts.

  I frowned. “Frustration?”

  “I heard about my dad benching you.”

  “Anarchy?”

  She nodded. “He was concerned.” She gave me a look. “And, unlike you, apparently, he thought it was important that I was in the loop. You know, so I could support you? Do what functional couples do?”

  “You don’t think we’re functi
onal?”

  Folding her arms across her chest, she said, “I think you’re holding back. And not your usual holding back with your need to keep control over yourself. This seems to be something more. You’re… pulling away from me, aren’t you?”

  “I am.”

  She started in surprise at my easy admission.

  “Okay,” she said, unsure. “So, are you going to stop?”

  “No.”

  Her brow furrowed. “What?”

  She looked so worried, biting her lip and pulling her hands up inside my jacket, physically trying to shield herself from what was to come. It cut at me something fierce. I knew my somber expression was giving away too much already. I just couldn’t contain the intensity of my regret at having to go this route with her. It wasn’t what I wanted. It felt… wrong. Unnatural, even.

  But it was for the best, for her.

  And she really did deserve the best in every way.

  “Let’s talk inside,” I said, taking her arm. She let me lead her inside up to our room. I shut the door behind me and leaned against it.

  “Finn?” she urged, and I knew I had to get down to it ASAP, before she realized what I was about to do and my chance to explain properly went out the window.

  I sighed heavily, then told her, “I was living a life as a virtual recluse for almost two years. I’d closed myself off to my old life.” I raised my gaze to hers. “And then I was pulled back in. I thought I could deal with everything that it dredged up. But the shock of it, not having time to prepare a smooth transitioning return to all of this… madness… it’s taken its toll. That dark part of me that I’d buried down deep has surged and it wants out.”

  “Baby,” she said sadly, reaching out and stroking my face.

  Her touch burned me down to the bone. So warm, so gentle, so soothing. Knowing that all of it was going to be gone in the blink of an eye was a brutal thought. I couldn’t even imagine how much worse it would be in reality.

  I jerked back and moved away from the door, needing to put some distance between us.

  “You don’t want me touching you?” she asked, hurt lacing her words.

  “You shouldn’t be around me, not when I’m like this.”

  “I’m not worried, Finn.”

  “I am!”

  She jolted at the vehemence in my tone, clearly not expecting me to snap like that. Hell, it wasn’t the way I normally operated at all. It was just more evidence that I was losing the battle against the monster within.

  "This is about me seducing you in the hallway, isn’t it? Look, if anyone should be pissed about that, it’s me.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “I thought you were right there with me letting go, getting lost in us. But you weren’t. You put a condom on.”

  “You’re mad at me for having the presence of mind to wrap it up?”

  “No!” she yelled, that fire of hers exploding forth. “It’s what it represents. You were still operating with rigid control. All your faculties intact. You didn’t let go at all. You left me all alone in it. I thought you just needed time, after what you explained up at the safehouse. But sex is different, isn’t it? So, I realized it’s me. I don’t make you lose yourself. I don’t bring that same mindless, unable-to-string-a-single-thought-together passion to you that you do to me. So, believe me, your control when it comes to me is just fine.”

  “The fact that I let it happen at all proves it isn’t,” I countered. “I don’t do shit like that. I’m very careful. And it’s for a damned good reason. That twisted part of me is just looking for an opportunity to get the fuck out. Over the last while it’s gotten too many of those. All the people I’ve taken out, the aggression, violence and brutality. Then diving into a relationship with you. All of that involves intense emotion, the thing that feeds the twisted thing inside of me.”

  She cocked her hip, frowning in thought. “So, your plan is to cut off all emotion and exist like a frigging robot for the rest of your life?”

  “I have to calm things down, yes.”

  “You idiot,” she said, taking off my leather jacket wrapped around her and tossing it over a nearby chair.

  Agitation sparked in me. “What?”

  She stomped toward me. “You’re an idiot,” she repeated, getting my back up now it was clear no apology was coming. “Maybe it’s because you’ve been apart from the world for so long, but life doesn’t work that way. You can’t micromanage things to that extent. And you can’t shut down, because you’re a human being with feelings whether you like it or not.”

  “Ashley, I know what I’m doing. I’ve had to do it before and this method worked.”

  “Maybe when you were completely isolated from everyone and everything. But you’re part of a motorcycle club now, a close-knit brotherhood, a community. You can’t shut down with them.” Her features morphed to hard and determined. “And I won’t let you with me.”

  What was happening? “Ashley, stop. I’m trying to—”

  “You’re trying to push me away, to break things off, I know.”

  “You do? Then—”

  “I don’t accept that.”

  I really hadn’t expected this. But I should have. When there was something worth fighting for, she stood tall and wouldn’t back down. She really was a warrior. I just wasn’t sure if I was worth that fight.

  I was in a goddamn state.

  After the brutal struggle I’d gone through before to conquer the dark part of me, here it was rising up once again. It hadn’t been a permanent thing like I’d thought. Would it ever be then? Or, would I be forced to keep fighting it off over and over again until I finally lost once and for all? Until I lost every shred of my humanity and became what I feared, an unstoppable monster?

  “I’m trying to protect you… from the dark part of me. I’m sorry, Ashley. I don’t want to hurt you, but this is the safest way right now.”

  She was silent for a few moments. I figured she was trying to absorb things, trying to accept it.

  But she defied my expectations once again as she stomped up to me and prodded me in the chest with her index finger. “You know, you’d think after being alone for so long, you’d actually appreciate the value of others caring about you. But you don’t, or you can’t. You’ve become too used to going it alone, I think, that you don’t know how to let people in all the way. You only allow a little and then shut down when they try to get closer. Instead of coming to me and looking to me to help you, your instinct is to push me away. You’re treating me just like my dad and the boys used to, like some fragile little child requiring protection from every little thing.”

  “What else do you want me to do? Put you in the line of fire?”

  “I want you to trust that I can handle it.”

  “Sweetheart, I—”

  “If you don’t, you’re going to break us. Irreparably. This is a crossroads, Finn. You push me away now and the damage might not be fixable. I’m asking you to trust in me, to trust in us, to believe in us. We’ve already been through a lot and handled it just fine. This is just another hurdle, one I know we can overcome together. You’re not alone now. I’m here with you. Through whatever comes our way. What comes at one of us, comes at both of us.” She stepped up to me, reaching up and stroking my cheek in the most tender way anyone had ever touched me before.

  She sucked in a steadying breath, clearly bracing herself to tell me something.

  It had me tensing. “Sweetheart, what is it?”

  She shifted her weight nervously, then revealed, “When I was here with you playing nursemaid to those awful injuries you sustained, you talked a lot about the monster in you, the things you’d done, and everything. For most of it, you probably didn’t realize what you were saying, because you were hopped-up on some heavy-duty meds. But I know all about it, Finn.”

  Jesus Christ. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  “I wanted you to tell me on your own, if you wanted to. I felt guilty for knowing all of that as it
was without your conscious knowledge.”

  She was too fucking sweet for words. “It wasn’t your fault.” It wasn’t like me to reveal personal shit to anyone I didn’t know really well, even when in any sort of compromised state. I remember the guilt having settled in back then, so maybe I’d wanted her to know, wanted someone to know in a bid to gain acceptance of some sort, vindication even.

  The shocking thing was that it had been achieved, she’d known about the darkest parts of me all this time and she’d wanted to be with me in spite of it all.

  And it meant everything to me.

  “So, now that you know I know the whole deal, no more hiding, no more arm’s length bullshit, okay?”

  “Okay,” I agreed.

  “Good. I don’t want to find out you’re thinking about breaking things off with us again because of some misguided attempt to protect me from yourself.”

  “I’m sorry, I just—”

  “I get it. You want the best for me, you wanted to spare me. But now you see I already know and it hasn’t sullied me in any way, so your fear is redundant.”

  “I’m getting that, yeah.”

  “Do you believe in us?”

  In her, absolutely. But I was a problematic element. “I want to,” I told her honestly. “But, I’m—”

  “Let me try something.”

  I tensed. “What?”

  “The thing is, the club’s at war and even when that’s over the members have tons of enemies and messed up pasts that could easily have something like this coming our way again in the future. So it’s not like you can avoid aggressive, violent, dangerous situations. And given what I know about you I don’t think you really want to. You’re good at this sort of thing and it makes you feel alive, gives you reason and purpose.”

  She was spot on. Damn, she could read me well. It was as touching as it was unnerving. Outside of Scott and Jesse, I’d never had anyone manage that before, or get close enough to have the opportunity.

  “Yes,” I admitted.

  “Then you’re going about this thing the wrong way. What if you got to a place where you could lose control but have the power to bring it back and reel it in?”

  “Then I’d be pretty damn close to normal. I wouldn’t need to—”