I tiptoed up the carpeted stairs that creaked like an old ship and passed in front of my mother’s room. I went to her door and whispered that I was back.
I waited.
I heard her cough and blow her nose.
‘Are you back Mia? Did you have a good time? Go to bed now, it’s very late.’ But she couldn’t fool me. She had been crying.
I went into my room and switched my phone back on. There were three calls from Patrick and one from Nina.
I called her back immediately.
‘Where are you?’
She began to sob.
‘Come and get me, please,’ she whispered.
‘Of course I’ll come and get you! Where are you?’
‘At Thomas’s house on Hunter Street.’
I’d been sure that he’d lived on that road.
I crept down the stairs, grabbed my bike from the shed and started pedalling like there was no tomorrow. My friend was in trouble, my mother was in trouble, and all I wanted was to save them, but I was only sixteen and I had no power. I arrived in front of Thomas’s house within about ten minutes and saw her standing on the pavement alone, her teeth chattering, makeup running and her hair in a mess.
‘Nina! What happened?’ I asked, frantic with worry.
‘It didn’t go how I had hoped…’ she tried to make a joke out of it, but I could see that she was suffering.
‘Come on, get on, let’s go to my house. Your brother called me loads of times, and I told him we were together, then I turned off my phone. I was worried he was going to send in the army!’
‘No, that’s good. I saw he’d called me so I sent him a message saying I was staying at yours.’
We looked at each other, we were such good friends we didn’t really need to say anything. Thomas had not been a gentleman, he had upset my friend, the best person in the world, and he might not know it yet, but he would pay dearly for her.
I pedalled slowly towards my house, with Nina sitting on the handlebars, neither of us saying a word. When we got home we crawled into my bed and curled up next to each other, protected by the reassuring warmth of the duvet.
‘Don’t worry,’ I told her, ‘I’ll take care of you.’
4
We slept with our arms wrapped around each other, neither one of us daring to speak. It was as if we held back for fear of watching our childhood crumble before our eyes, and suddenly finding ourselves, unprepared, facing an adolescence that was bigger than us. I could feel her pain, but I couldn’t make that pain mine. I already had the burden of unrequited love to come to terms with.
I woke up at seven and cautiously climbed over Nina, who was still sleeping soundly. I went down to the kitchen and found Mum doing battle with the dodgy kettle.
‘Everything okay Mamma? Shall I get a baseball bat and finish it off? ‘
She turned, surprised to see me, and laughed despite herself.
‘Nina’s upstairs. She’s still asleep.’
‘She was very quiet! I thought it was just you. How was the party?’
‘Everyone was drunk and throwing up.’
‘Ah, the joys of youth!’ she commented. ‘I’ll be back around six tonight, are you going to Claire’s class?’
‘Yes.’
For a while we chatted awkwardly about unimportant things, carefully avoiding mentioning Paul, until finally, I decided to address the issue.
‘How was your dinner last night?’
She turned away to look at the kettle and started crying again.
‘Oh Mum... come on...’
‘He told his wife he wanted to end things so he could be with me, and she said if he did, she’d make sure he never saw his daughters again.’ She began sobbing uncontrollably.
I went over to hug her, but she moved away.
‘I’m fine,’ she said, ‘Don’t worry, I’m fine, it’s nothing. See? I’m ok now.’ she forced a smile and wiped her eyes with her hands. ‘Anyway…there’s some bread and marmalade in the cupboard, and you should have some eggs or something as well. You’re all skin and bones!’
My heart broke.
I wished I could smack their teeth in, all those men who had made her suffer and deceived her with false promises, only to take advantage of her good nature. I hated them with all my strength, the Gileses, the Pauls and the Thomases of this world.
She turned and wiped her eyes again: ‘I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have to see me like this,’ she said, making for the front door. She adjusted her hair in the mirror, put on her coat and left. I was alone in the kitchen, worrying about her and about what Nina would tell me when she woke up. I turned on the television and, sitting back in a chair with my legs on the table, I waited for my friend.
Many cups of coffee later I heard her come down. She appeared in the kitchen doorway looking like a ghost in an oversized white t shirt, with her hair in a tangle and dark rings around her eyes where her makeup had run.
I did my best to cheer her up.
‘Good morning! And what would madam like for breakfast? The chef recommends french toast, orange marmalade and if you’re in the mood for a bit of cholesterol, bacon and eggs.’
‘I’m not hungry, thanks. Could I just have a cup of tea?’
‘One tea coming up!’ I was trying to defuse the situation, I didn’t know why. You couldn’t laugh off something like that. She sat on her chair and smiled sadly at me, and I went over to her suddenly and hugged her.
‘Did it really go so badly?’
She smiled and shrugged.
‘I don’t think it could have been worse,’ she replied, turning an empty cup over in her hands distractedly.
There was nothing I could say. I couldn’t pat her on the shoulder and say never mind, there would be other first times. Your first was your first. It wasn’t something you got another go at.
‘We went back to his house, and he’d had a few drinks.’
‘I thought you said he was teetotal?’
‘He’s not really. I lied to my brother,’
I crossed myself, pretending to be very shocked.
‘Do you have any other confessions to make, my child?’
She laughed. That was a good sign.
‘Do you remember how I used to imagine it? All sighs and candles and rose petals?’ There was a hint of bitterness in her voice that I’d never heard from her before.
‘Yeah, I remember…’
‘But just recently he started insisting that he wanted to do it and he couldn’t wait, and if really I loved him…’
‘Wow, classy!’
‘Anyway, we went inside and he took me upstairs, and so far it was more or less the way I had imagined it. but then when we got into his parents’ room.’
She was coming to the worst part, And I could see in her eyes that it hurt her to remember it.
‘He pushed me onto the bed and lay on top of me.’
Part of me wanted to put my hands over my ears and stop listening, but another part wanted a good reason to break his ugly face.
‘Was he was violent?’ I asked in alarm. ‘Not violent, no, but he was just…not bothered about me at all. He’s a bastard!’
‘That’s the first sensible thing I have heard you say for days.’
‘He didn’t even undress properly, he just…unzipped and got on with it.’
‘What an arsehole!’ I exclaimed. ‘And then did he ask if you liked it afterwards.’
‘Yes! I swear, he actually did!’
‘What the fuck? I hope you told him no!’
‘I told him yes.’
‘Nina! What for? You should have made him feel like the pathetic piece of shit he is!’ I slammed my cup down too hard and flooded the table with lukewarm coffee.
‘But he was expecting it,’ she whimpered
‘He was expecting it?’ I squeaked. ‘So what? He treats you like shit and you don’t even mention it? You’re too nice, Nina!’
‘Don’t you get mad at me too.’
‘I’m sorry, I’m not pissed off with you, I’m pissed off with him! And afterward, then what did he do, update his profile on Facebook? ‘
‘We went down to the kitchen, he lit a cigarette and asked if I wanted a cheese sandwich.’
‘Well, we can’t say he didn’t treat you like a princess!’
‘So I said I was going to call a taxi but instead I called you.’
‘And he didn’t even offer to see you home?’
‘It seemed like any interest he had in me just disappeared after he’d got me into bed.’ A tear fell down her cheek.
God how my hands were itching.
It was ridiculous, this was the sort of thing you’d think would happen to me, with my messed up family and shitty male role models, not to Nina, who had lived all her life surrounded by healthy and genuine affection, with parents who loved each other as much today as they had when they married thirty years ago. The world was a cynical place.
‘Well,’ I said, ‘Let’s try and look on the bright side.’ And I desperately racked my brains trying to find one, ‘First of all, at least now we know why they say you never forget your first time, and secondly, if your first time couldn’t have been any worse, your second time is bound to be amazing in comparison!’
Nina smiled a little less sadly. I had no idea how he she dealt with heartache, as I’d never known her to have any. In this regard I was privileged. Since I had come into the world, I had accumulated such a wealth of negative experiences that I no longer feared anything.
We got up and went to sit on the sofa, watching TV wrapped in a blanket, eating bread and peanut butter, with York hoovering up any crumbs that fell onto the floor. It was nice to stay home in the morning, like we did when we were little, without worries or responsibilities.
I didn’t yet know that I would remember that moment for the rest of my life.
After rehearsing with Claire, I went shopping for ingredients to cook a nice meal for Mum, and I picked up a bottle of wine and a cake, too. When she came home, I wanted her to feel a bit of human warmth and some semblance of family even if it was incomplete.
I made pappa al pomodoro, a delicious Tuscan tomato soup that I remembered she used to cook for us when we first moved to Leicester, before she gradually gave up hunting everywhere for the right products and adapted herself to the local cuisine. Over time, real pasta had been replaced by dried pasta shapes, and homemade ragù had become a jar of Bolognese sauce.
When she got in, I heard her head straight for the stairs and hurried to stop her. I couldn’t bear to hear her crying in her room another night. It seemed like that day would never end. I would have preferred a surprise chemistry assignment and four hours of rehearsal with Claire whacking me on the legs with her stick, than seeing my mother and my best friend like this, all because of two selfish and immature men. At least my imaginary love couldn’t let me down like that. I could enjoy all the fantasies I wanted, without the risk of being hurt.
I ran up the stairs and overtook her, then took her gently by the hands and walked her downstairs again. She let herself be guided like a child.
‘I made you pappa al pomodoro. It’s pretty good if I do say so myself.’
She smiled. ‘I’m not hungry. Mia, I have a headache. I just want to go to bed.’
‘You can’t go to bed on an empty stomach,’ I said firmly, helping her off with her coat, ‘And you’re surely not going to turn down a good glass of red wine, are you?’
‘You got wine too?’
‘Of course. Any dinner worthy of respect deserves a good wine.’
‘And what do we have to celebrate?’ she asked bitterly.
‘We have a million things to celebrate! Me, you and York are all together and in good health, Mrs Fancher hasn’t been round with any jobs for you at all today, and X Factor is on later, so we can sit and watch it while we eat the chocolate cake that I bought just for you.’
I had grown to hate our sofa during that day. I had spent the morning on it comforting Nina and now I would spend the evening on it comforting my mother. I could quite happily have set it on fire.
Mum gathered together a minimum of enthusiasm and followed me into the kitchen where the pappa al pomodoro was burning on the stove. We ate it out of the pan, scraping the charred bottom and talking about this and that, carefully avoiding the subject of Paul. Mum drank three quarters of the bottle, which at least relaxed her a little, and we fell asleep curled up together on the sofa. Finally that shitty day was over.
The next morning I arrived at school late.
We’d woken up aching and cold and the boiler had packed in again, so we’d had to boil some water in the kettle to wash with.
While I was locking my bike in front of the school, I saw a familiar and hated figure in the distance getting out of his car, and the anger that had just began to subside after the weekend began to pump through my veins once again.
‘Hey, dickhead!’ I shouted, not caring who heard me.
Thomas turned, dimly aware that the insult was directed at him.
He looked at me strangely, seemingly trying to figure out what beef I had with him.
‘Yes, you, you prick. I want a word with you!’ And without thinking I began to run as fast as I could, and launched myself at him like a rugby player. From the outside, I suppose it might have looked pretty comical. I was like an ant trying to beat up an elephant.
He fell to the ground and I landed on top of him. I think he was too startled to react immediately. I grabbed him by the collar of his jacket and screamed an inch from his ugly face: ‘You listen to me, you fucking arsehole. Men like you, who have no respect for women, should be castrated at birth.’
‘What are you doing? Are you mental? You’ve messed up my clothes, you idiot!’ He pushed me off him, hard, but the adrenaline was still raging through my body, and I wasn’t letting him get away like this.’
‘I must not have made myself clear!’ I went on, shoving him back down onto the grass and sitting on his stomach, ‘You’re not even worthy to tie Nina’s shoes, you piece of shit! You took advantage of her to compensate for your tiny little cock and I would kill you with my bare hands right now, except that apparently there’s a law against that sort of thing, but I swear to you now that I will make you fucking regret it!’
I was overcome with fury. I really could have strangled him and the world would have been a better place. His sense of self-preservation must have told him that I was serious. I may have been half his size, but I was so wound up I could’ve picked up a car and hurled it at him.
He stared at me for a moment, and then suddenly he grabbed me by the throat and threw me violently to the floor, leaving me gasping for breath and with a long scratch down my throat. What a bastard. How Nina had fallen in love with him was a mystery.
He struggled to his feet and dusted himself off.
‘Fuck’s sake, I’m covered in grass!’ he shouted disgustedly. ‘You’re sick in the head, you slag!’
When I heard him call me a slag, I saw red. I took one of my ballet shoes with the rosin-hardened point from my bag and slammed it into his face with all the strength I had in my body. Blood poured from his nose.
I watched through a haze as he screamed and covered his face with his hands. It occurred to me that he could have beaten me up if he wanted, and I wondered absent-mindedly if he would. There were no witnesses apart from a lady with a pram.
‘I’ll have you done for assault! You crazy bitch, you should be locked up!’ He shouted coming towards me.
He hadn’t understood yet, the idiot.
I looked at him coldly, the shoe still clutched in my right hand.
‘Maybe they will lock me up,’ I said calmly, ‘I’ve turned sixteen, I’m an adult. Not like some of the other kids in my year. Nina, for example.’
He stopped.
‘If you breathe a word of this to anyone, you will find yourself accused of sexual violence against a minor. Do you understand me, you bastard?’
/> He looked at me with a flash of anger in his eyes, turned on his heels and went off swearing.
The rush of adrenaline suddenly left me and I could feel myself trembling with the shock. I fell to my knees and burst into tears.
Thomas told everyone he’d walked into a lamppost, but I ended up in front of the head anyway. Apparently someone had heard me shouting. I suspected the lady with the pram. In the end I got away with another written warning, but next time I would definitely get suspended.
Meanwhile, I had become a kind of celebrity. When I passed through the corridors the other kids looked at me with renewed respect and admiration. Even Bibi and Dell started talking to me. Maybe they were looking for a bouncer for next year’s party. Various versions of the incident had spread: that I had beaten Thomas up because he wouldn’t go out with me, because he said my mum was in the mafia, or because he said Macs was better than PCs. In each version I had hit him with something different. But the thing that gave me the most satisfaction was realising how many people had been secretly longing to give him a kicking themselves. I didn’t say anything about it to Mum. She had enough on her plate.
A few days later I was sitting by myself at break, eating a banana and waiting for Nina to come out of Law, when Carl turned up. I hadn’t seen him since the night of the party.
‘Hi Mia,’ he greeted me a little awkwardly.
I opened my mouth to reply and choked on a mouthful of banana.
‘I didn’t know I had that effect on you.’
Oh it’s fine, I always suffocate when I meet someone.’
‘I thought there’d be a queue to talk to you now that you’re a legend.’
‘Yes, as you can see I’ve had to beat them off with a stick so I could eat in peace. I just couldn’t sign any more autographs!’
He sat down next to me.
‘Are you sure you’re allowed to talk to me? I don’t think Thomas would be impressed.’
‘I don’t hang around with Thomas any more.’
‘Why? Did he seduce you and then dump you, too?’
‘I told him he’d acted like an arsehole, and he didn’t appreciate it and told me that I could go and fuck myself …’
If I Can't Have You Page 6