by Lisa Lutz
Demetrius Merriweather
Age: 43
Occupation: Employee at Spellman Investigations
Physical characteristics: Tall, athletic, a few prison scars.
History: Wrongly incarcerated for murder; spent fifteen years in prison for a crime he did not commit. Was released, moved into the Spellman household, and currently works for Spellman Investigations.
Bad habits: Must have back to wall at all times; jumpy; good at keeping secrets.
To learn more about wrongful convictions, please visit www.innocenceproject.org. And if you’re interested in a FREE SCHMIDT! T-shirt (mentioned in Document #4), they’re still available at www.freeschmidt.com.
Maggie Mason
Age: 36
Occupation: Defense attorney
Physical characteristics: Tall; slender; long, unkempt brown hair.
History: Dated Henry Stone; they broke up. Rae introduced her to David, and they began dating. Then they married.
Bad habits: Keeping baked goods in pockets; camping.
Bernie Peterson
Age: Old
Occupation: Drinking, gambling, smoking cigars, being there. And bar owner now, I guess.
Physical characteristics: A giant mass of human (sorry, I try not to look too closely).
History: Was a cop in San Francisco, retired, married an ex-showgirl, moved to Las Vegas, moved back to San Francisco when she cheated on him, reconciled with her, moved back to Las Vegas. See this document for the latest in the Peterson saga.
Bad habits: Imagine every bad habit you’ve ever recognized. Bernie probably has it.
And, for the hell of it, I’ll do me.
Isabel Spellman
Age: 34
Occupation: Private investigator
Physical characteristics: Tall, not skinny, not fat, long brown hair, nose, lips, eyes, ears. All the usual features. Fingers, legs, that sort of thing. A few more wrinkles than last time I described myself.
History: Recovering delinquent, been working for Spellman Investigations since the age of twelve.
Bad Habits: None.
Other Organizations That Use the CIA Acronym
The Cleveland Institute of Art
The Certified Internal Auditor® program, the only globally accepted certification for internal auditors
The Chemical Industries Association
Cosmic Internet Academy
Cru’ in Action!, a hip-hop group, which consisted of K-Dee, Sir Jinx, and Ice Cube
[There are more, way more]
AFFIDAVITS AGAINST BERNIE
GENERAL AFFIDAVIT
STATE OF: Nevada
COUNTY OF: Clark
PERSONALLY came and appeared before me, the undersigned Notary, the within-named Shelly Sheen, who is a resident of Clark County, State of Nevada, and makes this his/her statement and General Affidavit upon oath and affirmation of belief and personal knowledge that the following matters, facts, and things set forth are true and correct to the best of his/her knowledge:
I, Shelly Sheen, being of sound mind and body,1 dated Bernie Peterson on and off (mostly off) from the summer of 1998 through the winter of 2002. During that time, I never saw him wash one dish or pick up a single item of clothing off of the floor. The neighbors complained of his snoring and I was almost evicted. He never brought me flowers. There were always potato chip crumbs under the seat cushions and he would pour day-old beer into my plants. During summer he would store his dirty socks in the refrigerator, right next to the milk. I also think he was seeing at least three women on the side.
And he would never put the toilet seat down.
GENERAL AFFIDAVIT
STATE OF: California
COUNTY OF: Alameda
PERSONALLY came and appeared before me, the undersigned Notary, the within-named Natasha Slovenka, who is a resident of Alameda County, State of California, and makes this his/her statement and General Affidavit upon oath and affirmation of belief and personal knowledge that the following matters, facts, and things set forth are true and correct to the best of his/her knowledge:
Bernie always leave toilet seat up. I ask him again and again to stop and he keep leave toilet seat up.
Bernie very friendly with my friends. I think he too friendly. I stop dating Bernie when he start dating my friend Ivanka. He leave toilet seat up for Ivanka. She break up with him too.
GENERAL AFFIDAVIT
STATE OF: Nevada
COUNTY OF: Washoe
PERSONALLY came and appeared before me, the undersigned Notary, the within-named Daisy Doolittle, who is a resident of Washoe County, State of Nevada, and makes this his/her statement and General Affidavit upon oath and affirmation of belief and personal knowledge that the following matters, facts, and things set forth are true and correct to the best of his/her knowledge:
I was married to that dog for three long years. Just because we met at a strip club didn’t mean we had to spend all our free time there. I think he took me to a movie maybe five times total during our entire relationship. Not once did he spring for popcorn. The man has some bad habits. And never give him a cent of your hard-earned cash because he’ll gamble it away, stuff it in the G-string of some other gal, or blow it on beer and potato chips. And he could never, ever remember to put the toilet seat down.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
As you might imagine, sincerity isn’t really my thing. Generally when I compliment or thank someone, I follow it up with an insult. Or I lead with the jab. However, sometimes it’s good to break character and just say something nice and be done with it. Here I go.
I am ridiculously lucky to be a writer, and there are many people responsible for this state of affairs.
I must begin with my agent, Stephanie Kip Rostan. Without you, the line I’d speak most regularly would be “Do you want fries with that?” The rest of the Levine Greenberg Literary Agency team is positively fantastic, and I’m not just saying that because you give me cake when I visit: Jim Levine, Dan Greenberg, Monika Verma, Melissa Rowland,1 Elizabeth Fisher, Miek Coccia, Julie Villar, Lindsay Edgecombe. Thank you; even I don’t know all the things you do for me.
I am incredibly grateful for the outstanding people at Simon & Schuster. As always, I am indebted to Carolyn Reidy for her unwavering support for the Spellman series. And to Jonathan Karp: I’m really good at finding fault with people but I can’t think of an unkind word to say about you. You’ve been amazing. Sammy Perlmutter and Amanda Ferber, your patient work on my behalf has been saintly. I hope you’ve at least talked some trash behind my back because I’m sure I’ve been a pain in the ass at times. A huge thanks to Richard Rhorer, Michael Sellick, Jackie Seow, and Danielle Lynn. And thank you Kerri Kolen for all your hard work and for leaving the book in excellent hands.
Oh and a big whopping thanks to Jonathan Evans, my very cool production editor. You never make me feel stupid, unlike some people on this page.2 Without you, these books would be a total mess and my characters would be aging in a really funky way.
I am ridiculously lucky to have met the brilliant illustrator Jaime Temairik. You’re one of the funniest people I know and I’m proud to call you a friend. Thank you Jay Fienberg, my cousin, my website guru, and my Robbie Gruber consultant. Anastasia Fuller, thanks for all the thoughtful reads and the awesome website design. I must also mention Julie Ulmer and Steve Kim because I don’t know what I’d do without them. And I’m thanking my cousin Dan Fienberg because he’ll say something if I don’t.
Dave Hayward, you’re a great friend and editor. When I write a joke, I know it works if you get it. You could be a better chaperone, though. While I’m on the subject of Haywards, I’d like to thank Linda Hayward for being my Sacramento publicist.
And I’d also like to thank anyone else who might have read the book and offered careful and considered criticism. I’m not the kind of writer who can work alone. This book would have been far worse without you.
I’m sure I’m missing some people,3 so thank you _____
_____________.4
Most importantly, I want to thank the booksellers who are still fighting the fight.
Since I’ve got some extra space here, I want to at least touch on the changes in the book world. Call me naïve, but I don’t see the end of days. I believe that eventually readers will smarten up and realize that a book isn’t a bargain just because it’s cheap. Agents, editors, and publishers exist so that the books you get in your hands are worth reading. I understand the desire for convenience, and if you saw some of the shortcuts I make in life, you’d know I’ve got nothing against e-books (I even read them myself). But I do ask readers to think of this: As bookstores are closing at alarming rates across the country, there’s still something you can do about it. Even if you’re a diehard e-reader, every once in a while walk, drive, or take a bus to a bookstore and buy a real book off of the shelf. Booksellers aren’t just managing the register; they’re people who love books and, ideally, know how to match the right book with the right person.
I don’t have any kids, so I’m not as worried about my heirs as the rest of you, but still: I think the youth of tomorrow might be better off if they knew the physical sensation of cracking a spine and turning the page.
1 I have an eye for this sort of thing.
2 I’ll explain all this animal crap shortly.
3 Shockingly, my mother shows occasional bursts of fiscal integrity.
1 You could either go straight to the appendix or show some patience and know that I’ll get to him shortly.
2 I’ve discovered that formally announcing a subject change holds far more sway than just simply changing the subject. Try it yourself sometime.
3 When my sister was little, I told her if she buried the M&M’s she could grow an M&M tree and have a lifetime supply. She watered them with Kool-Aid for two weeks until my mother disabused her of that notion.
1 I’ll get to him shortly.
2 Much of this information I gleaned from my mother at a later date.
3 A clause in the revamped bylaws that I demanded on our most recent revision. It’s only fair—they always vote the same way.
1 I’ll get to him in a few pages.
2 Part of a book, to be precise. (Document #4)
3 If you’ve already forgotten who she is, I suggest you see a doctor or at the very least take up Sudoku.
1 Grunting and demanding coffee.
2 “I am so outta here.”
3 That’s probably the first time I’ve said it.
1 Old David would definitely be the Shark. I have no idea what animal New David is. Maybe the Kangaroo.
1 Frank Scharfenberger, d. 1996. To date the most difficult client we’ve ever had.
2 Even though Walter doesn’t take baths. I asked.
1 A group brainwashing experiment, perhaps?
2 Yes, I keep a spreadsheet.
3 Sadly, it was true.
4 I think she’s played like twice in her lifetime.
1 This list is not exhaustive; I can’t keep track of everything, you know.
2 I’ve seen New David get tipsy on two glasses of wine; Old David would require a fifth of scotch.
3 Not a bad product idea, if I say so myself. I’m kind of busy, so have at it.
1 They have a set of keys, since this is not an uncommon occurrence.
2 Believe me, we’ve got more than sweet vermouth. A rich client gave me a bottle of Glenlivet after a particularly tiresome investigation. I hide the good stuff from Henry since he’s always offering it to uninvited guests (Bernie Peterson) and other unsavory types (my family).
3 Excellent question.
4 Age four: the year of the permanent markers.
1 The original vote was 2-2, but Demetrius jumped ship when he was threatened with a nickname.
2 In fact, that will be the title of my memoirs, should I ever write them.
1 If I were a lawmaker, double-parking would be on par with aggravated assault and grand larceny.
2 I hadn’t yet gotten to it in any of my reading material.
1 He learned it from me.
2 Finger quotes were required.
3 Her script was sloppy, so it could have been “croquet.”
1 Which, logically, should have crippled the magazine’s credibility.
2 This is not a footnote.
3 Chess term. Just a fancy word for “pieces,” that’s all.
4 I know, I know: Henry’s a great catch and I don’t deserve him. I’ve heard it all before. Do me a favor and mind your own business.
1 One day, when she knows a few more words, I will formally thank her.
2 Rae’s twenty, so you can do the math.
1 Rae’s charming, but odd, boyfriend. Great name, huh?
1 Please note that this was precisely the same way I’d addressed Sydney, so how could someone accuse me of abnormal behavior?
2 Had I adopted this policy at the beginning of the evening, her entire ten-piece glass-ware set would have been demolished, along with half a dozen wine goblets.
3 Note to self: Send Walter a nice fruit basket for Christmas.
1 According to the text-message dictionary: “You need to chill out.
2 Apparently the emoticon for “bored”; notice how it requires as many characters as “bored.”
1 While I’m on the subject, this kind of goes for everyone. I’ve never met a woman under the age of fifty who likes being called “ma’am.” In fact, I prefer “hey you,” “lady!” “missy,” “the one in the green shirt” (obviously only if I’m wearing a green shirt), and “whatsyourname” to “ma’am” any day of the week.
1 Which I recall only from the aftermath of crimes committed during my misspent youth.
1 Thanks to me. If you’d like to know more, document #4 has details. That’s all I’m saying.
2 No, I’m not going to tell you their name and provide free advertising.
3“I like your shirt.”
4 “Please speak more slowly.”
5 “This gentleman will pay for everything.”
6 Leave me alone. I’m going to give her that one.
7 Ten years ago. A divorced couple fighting over custody of their cat, Irving.
1 No, I’m not going to tell you which San Francisco bars have a bad eye for fake IDs.
1 FREE SCHMIDT is also in his regular circulation. Rae and I are both peeved that during the time of these T-shirts’ relevance, David refused to wear them outside where they might do some good.
1 You have no idea.
2 Walter couldn’t drive unless the windows were sealed shut.
3 This is common practice in San Francisco—you buzz someone into your building sight unseen and hope for the best. Don’t get any ideas.
4 While it wouldn’t hold up in a court of law, it can be assumed this means yes.
1 Dad used to boast of the fact that he had a three-legged dog before three-legged dogs became fashionable.
1 Heh. She thinks that’s language.
2 “This one” or “that one” is always me.
3 That’s Grammy Spellman’s first name, by the way. Nobody calls her that but Mom. And her friends. Have yet to meet one, but I’m told they exist.
4 Grammy actually likes being called “ma’am.”
1 Dad tried to gradually dye his gray hair, thinking that if it was a slow process no one would notice. I don’t know what he was thinking.
2 Male sand gobies are known to eat a third of their eggs. Men.
3 “Bernie Peterson just ate two eggs, two slices of bacon, and two hotcakes with a side of hash browns. Yum.”
1 Her attempt at a smile, but it really comes off as if she’s displaying her bridge work to a dentist.
2 Actually, they kind of did that already. Grammy left a signed blank check for groceries and Mom donated $250 in Morgan Freeman’s name.
3 “Retirement-age freak-out.” I’d tell you where to learn more, but some of you get angry when I do that.
1 I did later discover that first teeth sti
ll get brushing—maybe just for practice’s sake.
1 Actually, I didn’t, but I figured something would come to mind.
2 While I’m sure there are many charming computer geeks across the globe, I repeatedly ran into the Robbies of this world. And if your name is Robbie, please don’t take offense. I’m sure a few of you are all right.
1 Generally called Crack Mix—it’s that good. Mom keeps the real stuff in a safe in the pantry so Dad can’t get his paws on it. Dad has access to a “healthy” version, which is basically cereal and raw almonds.
2 The combo is my father’s birthday, which seems cruel, if you ask me.
3 I’m not in love with that ritual. I’ve been injured more than once when caught unawares.