“Damn, Kea, you scared the hell out of me,” I said with my heart beating rapidly. I wasn’t expecting her to be all up on me like she was. I could tell she had been crying from her swollen eyes. She looked disheveled but through her madness, I couldn’t help but to bask in her beauty. I looked her up and down until my eyes fell upon what she was holding.
“What are you going to do with that?” I asked cautiously.
“I’m getting ready to whoop your ...” she said not even finishing her sentence as she swung the bat at me.
“You bastard. I’m sick and tired,” she swung again, “of you cheating” another swing, “on me. I want you to pay,” swinging, “for hurting me.”
I jumped back with the bat barely missing me a few times. She swung again hitting the lamp this time, smashing it into pieces.
“Put the bat down before you hurt somebody,” I yelled, trying to escape the path of the bat.
She swung again, but this time, I didn’t get out of the way quick enough. The bat smacked in my lower back causing pain to shoot through my body. Again she swung, hitting me on my upper bicep this time. Her next swing was aimed for my head, but I turned quick enough to put my arm up to block the bat from making contact. Pain shot through my arm. Thinking quickly, I grabbed the bat before she could take it back to swing at me again. I made sure not to let go of it as Kea struggled to try to gain control of the weapon.
“Let go!” she screamed.
“Not until you calm down.”
We played tug-of-war before I jerked it hard, snatching it from her grip. This made her angrier. She charged at me and began kicking and punching me. It was hard to block with one hand since I was holding the bat with the other. The beast in her was unleashing its rage which had been festering for years. Finally, I threw the bat across the room. Kea never noticed, still trying to beat me to no end. I went low scooping her off her feet and throwing her over my shoulders.
“Let me go,” she said punching my back. I took her over to the bed slamming her down on her back. Before she had a chance to get up, I straddled her, pinning her arms down, making it impossible for her to move or swing at me again.
“Calm down, Kea!” I yelled.
“Let me go! Get off me!” she screamed.
“Not until you calm down.”
“I hate you. I wish I never met you. How could you do this to me again?” she said as she began to sob.
“Baby, I’m sorry,” I pleaded.
“I loved you, Jaquon,” she said with tears streaming down the sides of her face. “Why? Why didn’t you just love me back?”
“Baby, I do love you,” I said feeling her pain in its intensity for the first time.
“You couldn’t have,” she said through a cracking voice. I could feel her body lose its strength as her struggling arms became limp and her outburst turned into uncontrollable sobs. I slowly let go of her arms. She didn’t swing again.
“Baby, I’m sorry,” I tried to say as sincerely as I could.
“All I ever asked was for you to love me, for you to stay true to me, Jaquon, and you couldn’t even do that,” she said.
I crawled from on top of her and sat next to her on the bed watching her anguish release itself. She placed her hands over her face and continued to cry. I placed my hand on her shoulder, but she shook it off. I wanted to wrap my arms around her letting her know it was going to be okay, but I knew she wouldn’t allow it.
“Baby, talk to me, please,” I begged trying hard not to lose it myself.
“What is there to talk about?” she said sadly.
“Us.”
She sat up abruptly, and I leaned back a bit thinking she was going to start swinging at me again, but she didn’t.
She said, “There is no us. I’m not even sure if there ever was an us,” she said despondently.
“Don’t say that,” I said looking at her.
“I mean it this time, Jaquon,” she said sniffling. “I’m done being your doormat.”
“Baby, we have both done some wrong things here.”
Her expression spoke volumes. She didn’t have to say a word, and I knew what I said never should have come out of my mouth. How dare I throw up her indiscretions when I was doing wrong all during our relationship together? Fury invaded her, and I knew my words were not sanctioned here.
“You have some nerve bringing Derrick up right now,” she said furiously.
“I didn’t say his name.”
“You didn’t have to. It was insinuated.”
I couldn’t say anything because she was right.
“I had every right to cheat on you,” she said.
“But how was that going to solve our issues?”
“Now you want us to resolve things. Now that I have slept with your best friend, that’s when you want to make things work.”
She got up off the bed and walked over to the closet.
“You know the reason why I slept with Derrick in the first place was because you weren’t here. You were never here. You were always making excuses about why you were sleeping over at his house. So when he came over here to see you because he was upset about Zacariah and you weren’t here, our emotions got caught up. He needed somebody, and I needed him.”
Her words were cutting me deep. I didn’t ask for particulars, nor did I care to know, but that didn’t stop her from spewing the gory details.
“The next morning you come up in here saying you were with him. I knew you were lying because Derrick was screwing me. He lay next to me most of the night. And you know what? It felt good. He felt good,” she said with a coldness I had never seen. “Your friend worked my body like it’s never been worked before, but it could have been because he was releasing the pain he was dealing with too. Both of our grief integrated into a night of steamy passion I will never regret.”
I couldn’t say anything. All the conversations I had with myself didn’t prepare me for Kea telling me, in detail, how she enjoyed getting it on with Derrick.
“I wanted to see for once what it felt like to be you. I wondered what had you out in the streets at all times of the night. But I guess in the end, the joke was still on me,” Kea said.
I lowered my head saying the only thing I could. “Baby, I’m sorry.”
She ignored my apology and said, “I only slept with Derrick because he was there for me. He listened to me. He gave me what I couldn’t get from you because you were too busy giving it to other women.”
I went to stand but a twinge of pain shot through my side, reminding me of what a scorned woman could do with a bat.
“Baby, I want us to work. I love you, and I don’t want to lose you. I will forgive you for everything if you promise not to leave me.”
“I could care less whether you forgive me or not. The fact of the matter is, I can’t forgive you. I gave you way too many chances with my heart, Jaquon, and you stomped on it. For goodness’ sake, you slept with the enemy.”
I forgot about that. Zacariah was once my past sexual encounter.
“You did her and her best friend. I don’t know what you got. Hell, I don’t know what you could have given me,” Kea said.
“Baby, please,” I pleaded walking toward her, but she held her hand up for me to stay away.
“I need you to leave. Pack your belongings and get the hell out.”
“Is there something left to pack? You threw everything off the balcony, didn’t you?” I said laughing, trying to lighten the mood. It didn’t work.
“Then go outside with your crap, Jaquon. I don’t want you here.”
“When can I come back?”
“Never,” she said.
“This is my place too, Kea.”
“I don’t care. You’re leaving here tonight. Go to Zacariah or Essence or whoever else you’ve screwed. Just leave me the hell alone,” she said going into our master bathroom.
I sat back down on the bed looking in the direction where she left. I knew this was the end of us. I didn’t realize how
much I loved this woman until now. I was mad at myself for ruining such a good thing.
I stood back up and walked in the restroom to find Kea standing in front of the mirror. I walked up behind her looking at her reflection. She didn’t make me move. She didn’t scream at me to get out. She just looked at me with such sadness. I ran my finger across her cheek, almost whispering in a sympathetic tone, “Do you really want me to leave?”
The conclusion to our relationship abducted my voice. I couldn’t speak any louder because the wind was being taken out of my sail.
“Yes,” she said looking into my eyes through the reflection in the mirror.
I was choked up. I knew she could see how much I agonized over her decision and wished she would change her mind. Tears were on the verge of falling, but I tried my best to hold them back. I guess that was the man in me. Maybe if I dropped down this masculine wall and let the pressure of losing her spew from every inch of me, she would consider taking me back. She would see she’s won this battle and I’m waving a white towel in surrender because I want to make this relationship work. But I couldn’t.
I stood nodding my head as I cleared my throat of any emotion wanting to escape me. I wrapped my arms around her for the last time, making our bodies into a solitary cell. I wanted our molecular components to transform into something beautiful. As many times as Kea played the song, “No Air” by Jordin Sparks, which I couldn’t stand to hear before, now I understood what that song meant. Kea was my air. And no one could ever fill the span of my heart which belonged solely to her.
I let Kea go and walked back into what had been our bedroom. I looked around at the space surrounding me. We did have some wonderful times here. I placed my hands in my pocket, bending my head toward the floor. I looked back at Kea one last time, and I watched as tears streamed down her cheeks. This was really it. I had finally pushed the woman I loved away and right now, the only thing I could do was abide by her wishes and leave.
Zacariah
My stint in the hospital was a short one. I actually got out the next morning with no one to pick me up. For some reason, Essence didn’t bother to call or come by to see me today. I kept calling her, but she never picked up. That ticked me off because I was there for her when she passed out while she was screwing Jaquon, but then, she do me like this. I swear if she was with Jaquon while I had to try to find a way home, I was going to go off.
Taking a cab home, I expected to see her car sitting in the driveway, but it wasn’t. Once inside, I saw that the house was empty. I went to her bedroom to see her bed had not been slept in. I was ready to cuss her out if she was still sleeping, but she wasn’t here. That was odd. Essence used Sunday as her relaxation day. I didn’t think she got the spirit and decided to go to church because she really never went to church. I didn’t know whether to be happy she wasn’t here or mad. Where was she?
I picked up the phone sitting on the console table behind the couch and dialed her number again.
“Hi, you’ve reached Essence. Leave me a message and I’ll get back to you when I get a chance. Later.” Beep.
“Essence, this is Zacariah. Where are you, and why haven’t you returned my calls? Look, I’ve made it home now, so when you get this message, please give me call. And I will try not to lay your behind out when you do.”
I hung up the phone and looked around the space, a little worried about where she was. Then I thought about how nice it was to have the place to myself. The quiet was very much needed so I walked around the table and sat down on the sofa. Laying my head back, I looked up at the ceiling and replayed the events that landed me in the position I was in.
I told them I would get them back. They thought I was a joke, and now look at them. Who’s laughing now? They deserve what they get. “Little Ms. High and Mighty over here,” I said looking at Kea who stood with no tears, no expression, just shock plastered on her face.
“And you,” I said sneering at Derrick. “I was your woman. I loved you, and you cheated on me with her. This serves you right. I bet you wish you would have kept your dick in your pants now. You wouldn’t have had to worry about something as sick as this happening. Karma, baby, karma.”
Snapping back into the now, I sat forward on the sofa, then stood up. I felt sore, like I had been in a battle. Well, I had been in a battle. I was just on the losing end of this one.
Walking into the bathroom, I looked into the mirror at my reflection. With black eyes and a busted lip, anger came over me again. I wanted to go looking for Kea to whoop her for what she did to me.
Yes, I had just opened up the Bible and read a verse the nurse recommended to me.
Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil.
But how do I do that? It’s not in my nature to turn the other cheek. All my life people have never cared about me, so I don’t care about anybody else. I’m the only person I can trust in this life. Not Mama and Daddy. Not any of my aunts and uncles. Not Derrick. And today, not even Essence. All I had was me. Who in the hell was doing anything for me?
Tired of wallowing in self-pity I decided I was going to order some takeout and chill for a little while. Deciding to wait and see if Essence contacted me, I took this time to get to know television again. Too bad the first bit of news I heard was the tragic death of Derrick’s biological father.
“An elderly man by the name of Otis Hanks was shot and killed late last night at an apartment complex in a robbery gone bad,” the anchorwoman said. “Sources say the gunman was an African American male who appeared to be in his late teens. He was wearing black jeans and a jacket with green lettering on the back. If you have any information regarding this murder, please call your local police.”
I was shocked. Derrick’s father was dead. I wanted to go over to Derrick’s house to see him, but thought better of it. Not after what I had put him through. I did decide to do the next best thing and that was to call him. I knew once his caller ID showed it was Essence’s house, he wouldn’t answer, but to my surprise, he did.
“Hello.”
“Hey, Derrick. It’s me, Zacariah.”
When he heard my voice, he said nothing.
“Derrick, are you there?”
“I’m here.”
“I didn’t know whether you hung up on me.”
“I have every right to, don’t you think?” he said impassively.
“Yes, you do, but, Derrick, please hear me out. I just want to apologize,” I said, thinking this may smooth things over a bit.
“I think it’s too late for that.”
“Please, Derrick. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean for things to turn out like they have.”
“It went exactly like you wanted it to go, Zacariah,” he said loudly.
“Yes. No. Derrick, look, baby, I never wanted us to end up where we are now.”
“You can’t blame any of this on me.”
“I know if I never cheated on you, we would still be living in bliss.”
“I doubt that,” he said coldly.
“Well, I think so. I love you.”
“You love me so much you were determined to ruin my life. I’m sitting here unhappier today than I’ve ever been in my entire life, and it’s all because you couldn’t leave well enough alone. All you had to do was let me go on with my life, but because I wanted my future to be with Kea, you couldn’t let that happen.”
“You’re right, but, Derrick, I didn’t lead you to believe your father was your biological dad. That was your mother. And I didn’t rape Kea’s mom to produce Kea. That was your biological father,” I said defensively.
The next thing I heard was a dial tone. I dialed his number back, but he never picked up the phone again.
I was so mad at myself as I wondered why I went there with him. I was getting aggressive because he was trying to blame all of this on me, but he couldn’t. Why couldn’t he see his mother, Kea’s mother, their dad, and other family members let these lies consume a past all of them were
trying to conceal, which eventually turned his world upside down? I was just the one who brought things to the light.
Four days would pass before I decided to leave Essence’s house. And still, she hadn’t shown up. I thought maybe she had gone to visit her parents. I was supposed to go with her, but if she needed to do this on her own, then more power to her. Right now, I had Derrick to worry about.
Since he decided to ignore my numerous attempts to talk with him again, I decided to call him from a local pay phone. It was difficult to find one since cell phones had taken over, but lucky me, I managed to find one. As soon as Derrick heard my voice, he hung up. I knew he was mad, but I thought he had to be over it by now. Maybe he was acting like this because he was grieving. I knew my boo needed me, and I wanted to go to him. I really was regretting I never told him how sorry I was about him losing his biological dad. And since he stopped accepting my calls, I decided to go to the funeral and pay my last respects.
While the service was going on, I made sure to remain in the background where no one could see me. The funeral was graveside so I stood in the very back. I had on an all-black dress with a hat and black shades to help hide my healing bruises. I felt like I should be sitting with Derrick and his family. Hell, I was practically family as long as Derrick and I were in our relationship. What we were going through right now was only temporary. I knew eventually we would be together and would get on with our life loving each other.
Once the service was over I watched as everyone greeted one another. Individuals lined up to express their condolences to Derrick and other family members. I could tell he didn’t like this portion of the service. How could he when he stood in front of a casket holding a father he never knew. The pain was evident on his face, and for a split second, I regretted that I played a part in his pain.
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