by Jordan Marie
“Age is a number. I’m much more active than you, not to mention sexier and better in bed,” Black says with a wink. I shake my head and I’d probably move away from him, but I don’t get the chance; White is already pulling me back into him and sending Black the evil eye.
“They say you get delusional with age. Guess you just started early,” White grumbles.
“Fuck you,” Black laughs good-naturedly.
“Language. You don’t have a kiss for your Momma?” Ida Sue asks.
“White’s fault, Momma. He drives me to cussing,” Black says and leans up to kiss Ida Sue’s cheek when she bends down.
“Want some breakfast?”
“Nah, just coffee. I got a meeting with the mayor in about an hour. I can’t afford to be late.”
“You need to eat better or find a woman to take care of you. Lord knows you aren’t good at it on your own.”
“I keep trying to get Kayla here to leave my loser brother and run away with me, but the bastard won’t let her out of his sight.”
“Stay away from Kayla or that damn smile you like to flash all the ladies won’t be so pretty.”
“Love has made you a bitter man, brother. A bitter man.”
“Whatever,” White mumbles. “I’m going to go get our things together. Want to join me, Buttercup?”
“Kayla will be in after I show her the pretty things I got for CC’s baby shower.”
“She’s just had the baby. Isn’t it a little late for a baby shower, Mom?”
“Just never you mind. If she don’t have it now, then she’ll need it when she gets it.”
“Whatever that means. I’ll see you in a bit, Buttercup.”
“Okay, Sweetheart,” I tell him with a smile. I don’t know how it is possible, but right now everything feels perfect.
Ida Sue and Black keep me busy talking and going through all the various items that she’s gathered for CC and before I know it, I’ve been there over an hour. White and I were going to try and leave before now. He probably fell back asleep. He sure didn’t get any sleep last night.
“And what’s that blush for?” Black asks, and I look up to find him watching me.
“I don’t blush.”
“Kayla sweetheart, you blush more than any woman I’ve ever met.”
“Whatever, I’m going to go pack. White must have gotten lost.”
“He loves you, you know,” Black says and I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. I stand up, wringing my hands together.
“I’m starting to believe it,” I tell him.
“Not every man is like that worthless stepfather you had, Kayla.”
At his words this time, real fear grips me. I look around to find that we’re alone. Ida Sue must have left when I was daydreaming about White.
“They don’t know, sweetheart.”
“How do you?”
“I’m a cop.”
“But that’s been forever ago. Oh God, you can’t tell White!”
“Relax, Kayla,” Black says, pulling me back down to my chair. He holds my hand tightly and I have to fight to hold his eyes with mine. I don’t want to be weak. I haven’t been weak in a long time. “I’m not going to tell anyone. Though, if you want to know what I think, I think you should tell White.”
“No.”
“Kayla—”
“He doesn’t need to know. No one does. It’s over. It’s been over a long time, Black. How did you even find out?”
“I found your file when we were archiving a bunch of shit when I first started. I’ve known for a long time, Kayla.”
“Well, you can just forget about it. It doesn’t matter anymore. It never did.”
“It does matter. White would want to know.”
“Why? He can’t change anything. Not now. It’s water under the bridge. I’m not that little girl anymore.”
“No, you’re not. You’re a beautiful woman, Kayla. A woman a man would be proud to have by his side. You’re fierce, you’re loyal, and you’re gorgeous…”
“I’m not, but…”
“You are, darlin’, and your beauty goes all the way through. You’re the only one who has never realized that,” Black says, letting his hand move to my chin, his finger brushing against the skin in a move that reminds me a lot of his brother. Black’s not looking at me with need, lust, or love, however. He’s looking at me with the one look on his face that I despise. The one look that makes me sick to my stomach and reminds me of a time when I felt alone and lost. He’s looking at me with pity.
“What the fuck is going on?” I jerk my head up to look at White. I don’t understand the look on his face. It scares me. Black must feel the same because instead of trying to add to White’s anger—because he is angry—he stands up, putting his body in front of mine.
“Easy, brother. I was just having a talk with Kayla.”
“Yeah, I could tell.” White spews the words out and there is more than anger in them. They feel… hateful.
I stand up to go to him. I don’t know what’s happening, but I need it to stop. I need White to be okay. I need us to be okay.
“White Hall, I don’t know what has got you upset, but let’s not do anything to make things worse here,” Black says and the trepidation in his voice worries me even more.
“You don’t know what the fuck you are talking about. This doesn’t concern you, so just get the fuck out of my way.”
“White…”
“How long were you going to keep lying to me, Kayla?” White growls, and I move around Black to try and look at him. My skin breaks out in a cool sweat, and I feel panic swamp me. Black does his best to block me, and I know he’s trying to protect me. I’m even kind of glad, but I have to fix this. I have to fix whatever is going on.
“Let me through, Black,” I whisper, my voice sounding hoarse and strange to my own ears.
“Yeah, let her through, Black, so she can lie to me some more.”
“Lie to you, White? I don’t know what’s going on, but if you—”
“You don’t know what’s going on? That’s rich, Kayla, because here I was thinking I was the one who didn’t know what the fuck was going on!”
“What—?”
“I have a ‘what’ for you, Kayla. What the fuck are these?” he yells, tossing a container at me. A container of my birth control pills.
CHAPTER 54
WHITE
I watch as Kayla catches the container of birth control pills. She looks down at them and her hands are trembling. I want to hear her tell me that I’m wrong, that’s she’s not been lying to me. I need to hear her deny that she’s been letting me think we’re trying for a baby while doing everything in her power to prevent a pregnancy. I need to hear it, but as she grips the pills in her hand and slowly sits down, refusing to look at me, hope of that fades.
“Imagine my surprise, when I accidentally knocked over the trash in the bathroom and found these buried at the bottom of it. I guess you were trying to hide them, right?”
“It’s not what you are thinking, White. Please, you have to believe me.”
That’s definitely not a denial, and hope dies in that moment. Anger was there before, but now it explodes.
“What I think is the woman I thought I could trust over anyone has been lying to me this whole fucking time!”
“It’s not like that,” she cries, standing up and trying to come to me, but I back away. I can’t touch her now. I don’t want to be near her right now.
“What was the point, Kayla? What was the fucking point? Was it all just a fucking lie? A game for you? Were you playing me?”
“No, of course not! How could you think that? You know me, White. You know me more than anyone!”
“I don’t know you at all. The woman I thought I knew would have never lied to me! Every fucking time you started your period, I’d feel bad because I failed at giving you the one thing you wanted the most. Jesus Christ, you let me go to that damn clinic to get checked out thinking I was
n’t capable of getting you pregnant!”
“I tried to confess! I wanted to! But I was afraid! I didn’t want to lie. I was trying to protect you!”
“Protect me? Are you fucking kidding me right now?”
“But I was! You didn’t want a baby. You were doing it for me. You’ve told me over and over how you would never have a kid. I couldn’t let you—”
“Because I didn’t want a woman to control me! Because I couldn’t trust anyone. But I trusted you, Kayla. I believed in you and you lied!”
“To protect you!” she cries out, and if I wasn’t so angry, the tears running down her face would hurt me. I can’t pretend they don’t bother me now. Suddenly, it feels like the air in the room is gone. I can’t stay here. I can’t look at her. It hurts too fucking much.
“I can’t do this right now,” I growl, leaving the kitchen. I hear her calling for me, but I ignore it. I make it to the porch before I feel her hand on my arm. I jerk it away, turning around quickly. I don’t want her touching me. Not right now, and maybe never again. She stumbles back and I start to reach out and grab her. I end up letting my fingers bite into the palm of my hand as it’s Black that catches her before she can fall.
“White, you have to listen to me. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I wanted to make you happy!”
“How? By lying to me?” I growl.
“What’s going on here?” I turn around to see Mom is playing with her damn cow. The thing thinks he’s a dog. A very large dog. The cow is lying down on the ground. Mom’s sitting beside it and rubbing its stomach, of all things. How she can be like this with the cow and still eat a hamburger is a question I’m not about to answer. I shake my head and focus back on the woman who has just destroyed me. That might sound melodramatic, but it’s not. Having Kayla lie to me was one thing I never saw coming. I can’t even wrap my head around it.
“I didn’t mean to lie to you, White. I swear, I didn’t. I was trying to not use you.”
“Use me? From where I’m standing, that’s all you did. If all you wanted was my cock, Honey, you just had to ask. I’ve fucked a lot of women who didn’t deserve my time. I would have just added you to the list.” The hateful words are out before I can stop them. I watch as Kayla visually blanches, her body jerking back as if I struck her with my fist. The air around us grows thick and I instantly want to take the words back. Whatever is going on here, Kayla didn’t deserve that… I don’t think. The truth is, my head is all messed up right now… and my heart. Fuck. It hurts. I’ve never been this deep with a woman before. I gave Kayla everything and I’m starting to think I’m not going to survive this.
“White Hall Lucas, you shut that damn talk right now before my cow-shit-covered boot shuts your mouth for you. What the hell is going on here?” Mom yells, and I feel her coming up beside me on the porch. I don’t look at her. I’m too busy looking at a broken Kayla, because whatever else is going on in my head right now, I’m sane enough to register that. Kayla looks… broken. Something is not right. If she were using me, she wouldn’t be like this, right? Or hell, is this just her playing me again to try and get sympathy? The Kayla I thought I knew is all mixed up with the Kayla who lied to me. Which one is the real her?
“I didn’t want to saddle you to… I didn’t want to trap you with…”
“Spit it out, Kayla,” I growl, frustrated and confused.
“I couldn’t do that to you, White! Don’t you understand?”
Understand? Fuck, I don’t understand any of this. She looks so lost, hurt, and innocent looking at me. Is this the real Kayla? What am I missing here?
“Do what? For fuck’s sake, Kayla, I’ve about had it. Make some goddamn sense or just shut the hell up.”
“I couldn’t trap you into staying with me! Can’t you see that? I knew you didn’t want a child. I didn’t want to trap you and be that weight around your neck you couldn’t ever get rid of.”
“Woman, what the fuck are you talking about? I told you I wanted a baby. Jesus! I was fucking you every minute I could to put my baby in you. It’s what I wanted. And you knew that, Kayla. You can’t pretend you didn’t. I sure as hell told you every chance I got.”
“But you didn’t mean it. Not really, and I couldn’t do it, White. I wanted it so bad but I just couldn’t do it,” she cries, and my anger must be dying down because now I’m hurting, seeing her so torn. I want to comfort her, but I need answers. Whatever this is, whatever is going on, I have to know everything first.
“Do what? What are you talking about?”
“I couldn’t share a child with you and be on the outside of your life while you built a family with someone else.”
“Someone else? What are you talking about? Fucking hell, you aren’t making a bit of sense, Kayla.”
“Eventually you would have left. You would have realized that you didn’t want to be with me and found someone better. I didn’t think I could live if I had to see you with our child every day, being in love with someone else. It’s just too much to expect from me.”
Holy shit. Is she serious? Where the hell is this coming from? I knew her self-confidence was gone, but could she be this blind, this twisted inside? How did I not see this? I hear Mom talking, and Black. I can’t concentrate on what they’re saying. The cow is mooing in the background. I suppose it’s barking in its way because I can hear a car coming up the driveway. It’s all filtered out and relegated into the background as I stare at the woman I love more than life. I’d suspected she had issues, but I don’t think I realized how deep they went. I wasn’t looking for scars and it’s clear to me now that she definitely has them… on the inside.
“White,” Black starts, but I ignore him; my concentration is on Kayla.
“I told you I love you, Kayla. Only you, Buttercup. You told me you believed me.”
“I did. I do… mostly, but there’s all those women you’re with. They’re all so beautiful and then there’s me. Even Rachel…”
“I told you nothing happened with Rachel—”
“White,” Black says again.
“Uh, son…” Ida Sue joins him. I’m taking a step toward Kayla. I want to talk to her about this alone. We need to straighten this shit out. Before I can, however, she goes as pale as a ghost.
“Kayla?” I ask, afraid now something is wrong with her health. I watch as her body trembles. “What’s wrong with you?”
“I think that might be me,” I hear, and I turn around.
I turn and stare straight at Kayla’s sister, Rachel. A very pregnant Rachel.
CHAPTER 55
KAYLA
“Where the hell did she come from?” I hear White hiss.
“I tried to tell you, man,” Black responds. I can’t pay attention because I’m just looking at Rachel. I already felt faint before, but now I’m close to passing out. I don’t want my sister here. I don’t want my sister watching yet another man tell me what trash I am and toss me aside like an old newspaper. I don’t want to see that look in her eye, the one where she tries to look like she hurts for me, but instead I see gloating satisfaction shining back at me.
“What are you doing here, Rachel?” White growls.
“You invited me, remember? I’m just taking you up on your offer.”
“I don’t remember inviting you to my mother’s.”
“No, but you did invite me to come spend time with you and my sister. When I saw on Kayla’s Facebook status that you two were down here, I just decided to come. I did warn you I needed to talk to you.”
“Surely that could have waited until we were back home,” I tell her, and I want to wince at the weak, hoarse voice I’m using. It’s only then I remember that I’ve been crying. Check that; I still am crying, and isn’t that just wonderful? I love that Rachel can see my humiliation. Just love it.
“No. It couldn’t wait, Kayla. The world doesn’t exactly revolve around you, you know. That’s one of the things father could never stand about you. You had to always be the center of at
tention. I see you haven’t outgrown that.”
My face heats red. I have to fight to keep from withdrawing like I always used to—like I was conditioned to do. Before I can speak up, White is standing in front of me, and Black succeeds in blocking me from the side. I can barely catch a glimpse of my sister through them.
“Keep your voice civil around Kayla or you can leave. She’s at home here. You are not.”
“It didn’t sound like she was at home here. It sounded to me like you were just about to send her on her way.”
“You’d be mistaken. It was a small difference of opinion. Couples have those. It means nothing,” White says, and my heart turns over. Small difference of opinion? Is he serious? Things are changing so much around me, I can’t gather my bearings. What I do know is, I don’t want to be that quiet church mouse anymore. When I was growing up, I tried to be quiet and not draw attention to myself. Doing that meant punishment and berating. It rarely worked, but I tried. I don’t want to be that frightened child anymore. Ida Sue rescued me in more ways than one, and I’m not about to forget the strength being part of the Lucas clan gave me. For that reason alone, I push through the two men, who I think are trying to protect me.
“If you say so, regardless, there are still things I’d like to talk with you about.”
“Talk away.”
“Rachel, maybe we should go inside and sit down. I didn’t know you were pregnant. Why didn’t you tell me?” I try to ignore the way it feels to know my sister is pregnant. If I hadn’t been stupid, would I have already been carrying White’s baby? Will I get the chance to do that now? Can I make him understand? I have so many questions, I’m scared, I’m nervous, and now I’m jealous of my sister. I thought I had made progress over the years, but suddenly I’m wondering if I have at all.
“I wanted to tell you. Actually, I would like to sit down. I’m not feeling that great today. I’ve had some complications with the pregnancy.”
“Absolutely,” I tell her, going to her and using the back of my hand to wipe the tears and try to not look like a complete idiot. “Why didn’t you tell me? Is the dad in the picture? If I can help you at all, I’m here,” I tell her, and internally I’m kicking myself. Rachel is not good to me. She’s definitely not good for me, and honestly, she’s not that great of a person, and yet here I am falling into old habits, being the sister who begs for her attention and tries to get approval. Why? Why do I even want a sense of belonging with her? What makes me crave approval from a family that never wanted me and never will? I hear White grunt in the background and I know him enough to know that he’s not happy with me right now either. Whether that’s about Rachel or the birth control pills, I’m not sure. If I had to guess right now, I’d say both.