by Jordan Marie
“Do you want us all to leave?” She asks, but the thought of facing Max on my own is worse. How did we get here? How did I get afraid to see the father of my child?
“No…I just need a minute to regroup. I’m going to take Maddy down to the water for a few minutes.”
“Okay, honey, I’ll make sure the boys are occupied and have plenty of food. The others have the babies.”
“Thanks.”
I go to get Madison from Dusty, which isn’t easy. The big guy is almost as attached to her as Marcum is. Luckily Maddy is so easy going. She climbs into my arms without a second thought.
“Mom-mom,” she says her little hands grasping out towards me. I take her in my arms, her sweet smell surrounding me, and her warmth reaching through my nerves and instantly I feel better. Maddy has that much power.
“Let’s go and find shells, sweet baby,” I tell her, knowing it is her favorite pastime. She squeals in delight just as I knew she would.
I lead her down the beach to the edge of the ocean and look out over the water, trying to get a rein on my thoughts and prepare myself for Max.
“Mom-mom!” Maddy yells, demanding attention. She’s squirming and pushing against my chest, doing her best to get down. She’s not been walking long, her feet are still unsteady, but I always let her go when we’re on the beach as long as I keep me between her and the water. It’s her favorite thing, she laughs when she falls, and the sound of my daughter’s laugh is, to me, the most beautiful sound in the world. I let her slide to the ground and lead her back to the beach away from the water. We sit down, and luckily it has been cloudy, so the sand isn’t too hot. I sit down, pulling Maddy between my legs and reach around helping her to shovel through the sand with our hands. Maddy laughs as the sand covers her feet, and I smile, despite my worries.
“Hi.”
It’s one word. One word, from a voice that I remember, but haven’t heard in so long, so long that I was beginning to forget the tone and the way the timber of it sends shivers of awareness through my system. I hold my gaze down on Maddy’s head and then slowly shift it to Max’s feet. Just as slowly, I let it travel the length of his body until I rest on his face. There should be something I could say here. Something—anything. Nothing comes though. My voice is frozen in my throat. My heart is pounding.
My daughter must pick up on the change in me because she stops laughing and cooing. The sand stops occupying her, and she looks up at Max. I’m being a wimp; I need to snap out of it. Maddy however, has nothing holding her back. She pushes up trying to get away from me. I help her stand, bracing my hands on her little hips. I’m letting her distract me from Max. I need her to, because, for the life of me, I can’t even manage to say hi back. I swallow; suddenly my mouth feels very dry.
“Da-Da!” Maddy says, jumping up and down, wanting to get away. “Da-Da!”
Of course she would recognize him. She’s only a year old, but I’ve done my best to show her picture to him every night after we read and say goodnight to Daddy. I wanted Max to be a part of her life in whatever small way I could manage it. When I look up and see Max’s face, my heart contracts. I let go of Maddy, and she takes her stumbling steps to him. The sand is hard for her but after falling once she makes the six or seven steps to him. She reaches up to him in complete trust, as only a child can, and my heart flips over as I watch Max hold his daughter for the first time.
46
Max
A one-year-old child unmans me. I hear her sweet voice, calling out da-da, as her chubby, little legs stumble to me, her hands opened wide and my heart bursts into a thousand pieces. I reach down to her, but my legs give out, and I drop down onto the sandy ground beneath, wrapping my arms around her and holding her to me. Tears sting my eyes, and I don’t worry about stopping them. I inhale deeply, taking in a mixture of the ocean’s salt air and the sweet smell of baby. My baby.
I thought I was prepared to meet her. Then she called me daddy…does she know me? How is that even possible? She squirms against my tight hold, so I let her go slightly, looking down at her little face. I wanted her to look like her mom, and I can see parts of Tess in her, but the truth is she looks like me. Her little hand slaps at my nose, and she laughs again.
“Da-Da! Da-Da!”
“She uh…doesn’t know many words yet,” Tess says, and her voice is gruff. Our eyes connect, and she has the same tears in hers that I do.
“How…” I clear my throat and try again when I can’t manage to get the words out the first time. “How does she know that I’m…”
I can’t finish the question. It’s just too big. I’m almost afraid of the answer.
Tess stands up, I can’t. I just sit there holding my daughter in my hands, feeling as if I’m drowning.
She comes to sit beside us and her sweet strawberry scent, a scent I’ve dreamed of and imagined for over a year and a half, closes around me and combines with that of the baby’s and feeling of rightness comes over me. A feeling of being right where I’m supposed to be. A feeling of being home.
“I have a picture of you. I keep it in a frame in Maddy’s room. Every night, after story time, we uh; we tell daddy goodnight.”
“Da-Da!” Maddy says, on cute her little hand slapping against my cheek.
“That’s right, baby, I am. I’m your daddy.” I say, and the words settle inside of me. I kiss her forehead again and hold her close for a second. I look over at the woman I love. The woman I’ve put through hell. The woman who despite everything has given me two of the most precious gifts in the world. Not only did she give me a child, she also taught that child who I was, even when I couldn’t be here—even when I pushed her away.
“Thank you, Tess,” I tell her, and it sounds lame to my ears. I owe her more. Hell, I owe her the world.
Tess draws her legs against her chest and wraps her arms around them. She looks so small and defenseless sitting there.
“Pa!” Maddy yells out with some more baby gibberish that no one really can understand. She’s jumping and stretching trying to get free from my hold, and there’s only one reason. Marcum. I resent the way she obviously loves him. The way she clearly chooses him over me, and I feel like a fucking loser for feeling that way, for being jealous. Of course she wants to go to him, she knows him. I’m just a man from a picture. That will change now though. I have time now. I have all the time in the world. As my eyes lock on Tess, I vow not to waste it.
Maddy stumbles into Marcum’s waiting hands.
“There’s papaw’s baby!” He says, picking her up and putting her on his hip like an old pro. Then again, with as many kids as he has, he is a pro. “I thought I’d come down and get my baby and give you two, time to talk.”
“Thanks, old man,” I don’t really want to let Maddy go, but I do need time to talk to Tess—a lot of time if the look of fear on Tess’s face is anything to go by. Marcum heads back to the house talking to the baby while she chants nonsense back to him.
I stand up and turn to Tess. She’s standing and brushing sand off her jeans. She’s gained a little weight over the last year. It looks good on her. She’s just as breathtaking as she always was, but I see signs of the stress from the last year on her face. She has circles and the light in her eyes isn’t quite as bright. Guilt hits me hard. Tess deserves so much in life. Much more than the hell that I’ve put her through.
“I think they’re clean,” I tell her when it becomes apparent that she’s going to keep dusting imaginary sand off of her pants instead of dealing with me. When she raises her eyes up to mine and slowly straightens up, she offers me a weak smile.
“I think I’m nervous,” she whispers.
“I am too. It’s been a hell of a day,” I understate, using the back of my hand to dry any remaining moisture from my eyes and try to put order to my chaotic thoughts.
“Yeah. I’m finding it hard to believe you’re standing here.”
“So am I, Kitten. So am I.”
A look flashes over her face, a
nd I instantly want to smooth it away.
“What?”
“I’d forgotten how much I used to like when you called me Kitten.”
I clear my throat again. Hell, if I cry again she’s going to think I’ve grown weak in the last year. “I want to hold you; I’m just not sure what you’re okay with that, Tess.”
“Truthfully, I’m not sure either. It’s been a long time, Max and the last time I saw you…”
“I know.”
“We have a lot to work out,” she says, and that final hope I had of her falling into my arms and everything being okay, dies.
“Do you want me to stay in my old house, until…I mean, if you need time…”
“No. I don’t want that. Maddy needs you around. I want her to be used to having you here…”
Not exactly what a man wants to hear from the woman he loves, but I guess at least she’s letting me stay. I’ll have to use that to my advantage. She looks away from me, out over the ocean. She looks so lost in thought. Is she wishing I would leave? What’s going on in her head?
“Tess, if you don’t want me to stay here. I can leave after I visit with Maddy. I’d understand.” Even as I make the offer, inside I’m screaming no.
She turns back around to face me. Her lips are curled in, and she’s gnawing gently on the inside of her cheek. It’s cute, but heartbreaking because it speaks louder than words of how uncomfortable she is around me now.
“I want you here, Max. I want you with me.”
I still see fear in her eyes, but for now, the words are enough. I reach out my hand to her and after a moment of hesitation, she places hers in it. Her touch is warm. Her hand in mine feels right.
“Let’s go and watch our daughter blow out her candles,” I tell her giving her hand a squeeze. She smiles, and I can’t resist kissing her forehead much like I did our daughter earlier. Then, we walk, hand in hand, back to the party.
Epilogue
Tessa
One week later
“Max! I’m home!” I call out entering the house. It’s been a hell of a day. I went back to work after I had Maddy. Max has never been happy about it. He says he has more than enough money to make sure we’re all okay. Plus, his tattoo parlor does really good, even with him not working there. I can’t bring myself to be idle though. Still, many more days like today and I’m going to scream. I’m working in the public defender’s office now and seeing the way that most of these attorneys don’t even care if the inmates get a fair trial is wearing on me fast. I went off one of the lawyers today. I figure I may get canned come Monday. I’m not sure I care at this point.
I walk through the living room and don’t see him or Maddy, which is strange. They’re usually playing together on the floor or sleeping on the couch this time of day. The kitchen and dining area are completely open to the living room, so I know he’s not there either. I go through the hallway and peek in Maddy’s room. Empty. Next is the room I stay in. I can’t say ours because Max hasn’t been in here with me. We’re slowly finding our footing, but other than a small kiss or two, there’s been nothing else between us. Max has been sleeping on the sofa, and I feel guilty about it. I even admit to myself I want him to sleep beside me, but I can’t bring myself to tell him that.
“Max?” I question as I open the door. He’s lying on the bed watching television. When he sees me the turns the TV off and tosses the remote on the nightstand. “Where’s Maddy?”
“Marcum and Cherry have her tonight.”
My back stiffens at his words. My baby has never stayed away from me. I’ve only just recently weaned her from the breast. “Max, she hasn’t stayed away from the house. You should have asked me before you agreed to this.”
“I would have; if you’d bother talking to me, Tess.”
“What are you talking about? We talk.”
“We talk about what we want to eat. We talk about the weather. We talk about the baby. We just can’t seem to talk about things that really matter.”
“Maddy…”
“Maddy is amazing, and she’s the world to me, but her mother is the reason I draw air into my fucking lungs.”
Heat fills my body, and those words make my legs quake. “Max…”
“I love you, Tess. I love you. Living with you, but not being free to touch you, to kiss you…Hell even to hold you at night is slowly killing me. I can’t go on like this.”
“Max…”
“You gave yourself to me over a year ago. You might have forgotten that, but I haven’t.”
“I haven’t forgotten! You pushed me away, Max!”
“I was trying to keep you from tying yourself to someone who might never be able to be there for you!”
“You were wrong!”
“Maybe so! But I sure as hell have been doing my best to make it up to you!”
“You destroyed me! I cried for months! It felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest!”
“You don’t think I felt the same, Tess?”
“It was your choice, Max! That’s the difference! You decided what was best, and you did it!”
“To protect you, woman!”
“I didn’t ask for it! I asked to go away with you! You decided against that without listening to me! Then when things didn’t go according to your grand design, Mad Max struck again! You decided to freeze me out of your life. It didn’t matter what I wanted! You decided you knew what was best for me, yet again!”
“Tess!”
“What happens if I let you in again Max? What happens when you decide that things are too difficult again? What happens when you chicken out?”
“Is that really what you think of me, Tess? Do you think so little of me?”
His words do nothing but increase my anger. How can he say that to me? What gives him the right to say that to me?
“Wrong again, Max! It’s you who thinks so little of me! It’s you who thinks I am so weak that I can’t stand beside you no matter what!”
He looks at me, really looks at me, and I don’t know if my words have finally made it through, or if it’s something else. He walks over to me, and he does something he hasn’t done in so long I’ve almost forgotten how much I love it. He wraps his hand around the side of my neck, and he pulls me in close to him.
“It was never about you. It was what I didn’t want for you. What would have happened, Tess, if I never got out? If the time we had together before was all we were ever going to get. How would it have been fair to you to live like that?”
The pain and emotion in his voice cuts through my hurt and anger. I take a breath and try to make him see what he did.
“What if I get sick tomorrow, Max? Hell, what happens if I lay down tonight and don’t wake back up? If our past is all that we ever have, would the fact that I’m not here make it hurt less? Or would you rather at least have me to talk with, to know that I am still here in whatever form, and I still care?”
“You will not get sick. Do you hear me, Tess? You will not get sick. You won’t even think about that shit.” His fingers contract against my neck as he pulls me closer to him. His body shakes as he pulls my face against his chest. “You won’t get sick, Tess. You won’t leave me.”
My hand grasp his hips, and I close my eyes. He loves me. However warped his thoughts were, I can understand them. Listening to him talk, maybe I would have done the same. I can’t say. I only saw things from my point of view.
“I won’t leave you, Max. You love me.”
“Love’s not a strong enough word for how I feel about you, Tess.”
“Then show me,” I tell him, pressing my lips against his chest.
“Tess?” He pulls back, questioning me.
“Make love to me, Max. I miss you.”
“Are we okay now?” He asks; those beautiful eyes of his looking down at me—searching.
“We’re more than okay.”
“God, I’ve missed you, Kitten.”
“Then, show me,” I dare him and wait to see wh
at happens next.
Max
After going for so long, feeling as if everything was wrong, it’s surreal to know that finally…finally, things are clicking into place. I bend down and place my lips against Tess’s. The taste of her is familiar, but it’s been so long since I’ve had it, that I can’t stop. I push my fingers through her hair and tighten them in it. The texture, the feel, along with her taste; combine to set my blood on fire. My tongue thrusts into her mouth, not asking for entry, taking it. I ravage her mouth in the same manner, owning it. Showing her, that regardless of what has gone down in the past, she is and always will be mine. She’s right there with me, taking what I give and doing her best to match me.
When we break apart she’s breathing so hard her body is shaking slightly. Her nipples are tight, hard nubs straining through her clothes, her cheeks are blushed with color and her lips are already swollen. My dick is already straining, and my balls are tight with the need to release. It’s been a long time since I’ve had sex; since I’ve been inside Tess, and I know this won’t last long. There’s just no way. I need her too much. I take two steps away from her. She’s a drug that is clouding my head. I need to clear it if I have any hope of making this last longer than a couple of minutes.
I don’t ask, I just reach over and grab her shirt on each end of her collar and pull it apart. Buttons pull, release, or pop free. Her breasts are larger than I remember. She’s stopped breastfeeding Maddy, but maybe that still affects things. I undo the clasp at the center of her bra and Tess helps me by taking what’s left of her shirt off and then throwing her bra down to join it. My thumb goes to tweak her nipple, brushing it gently. Tess’s fingers are pushing into my hips, and when I do squeeze her nipple, her nails claw into me, making my dick throb in anticipation.
“Even more beautiful than I remembered, Kitten,” I praise her.
“Max…things are different now. I have stretch marks, and well, I’m just not the same,” she trails off, her face flushes even deeper in color, but I know now it’s from embarrassment, rather than excitement. I can’t have that.