by Amy Clipston
“A ride home isn’t out with a friend.”
Rebecca took the dishcloth from her mother and began wiping down the counters. “I’m fine.”
“Rebecca, I noticed that Marian—”
Amos walked into the kitchen. “There you are,” he said to Naomi. “Would you look over a proposal for me?”
“Rebecca and I were—”
“It’s all right,” Rebecca said quickly. “I want to get to bed. I’ll see you in the morning. Gut nacht.”
Looking away from the expression of disappointment on her mother’s face, she kissed her cheek, then her daed’s, and walked quickly to the stairs.
Rebecca woke in the night, feverish, her head clogged and her body aching. Wrapping herself in a bathrobe, she went downstairs, found aspirin, and took two with a glass of water. When she climbed into her bed this time, she was warm—too warm—so she lay atop the covers. Several hours later she woke again, cold, and pulled the quilt back up to her chin.
When she woke next, Marian was shaking her shoulder. “Time to get up.”
Muttering, Rebecca nodded. “Minutt.” She fell back asleep.
Her shoulder was being shaken again, this time by her mother. “Rebecca?” A hand touched her forehead. “Marian, Rebecca has a fiewer! Go get her some aspirin and some wasser.”
“Some wasser would be good,” Rebecca agreed as she sat up. “But I’m getting up. I have to go to work.”
“No, you cannot go to work today,” Mamm said firmly.
“It’s just a cold,” Rebecca said, hoping to convince herself. She was seldom ill, but this felt like the flu. She stood, and the room whirled about her. She sank back down on the bed. “Maybe in a minute.”
Her mother shook her head. “Maybe tomorrow. I’ll get Amos to go by the gift shop and let Anita know you won’t be in today.”
Marian returned with the aspirin and water.
Rebecca washed the pills down with the water, drinking every drop. “I’ll lie down for a little while and see how I feel. I’m really not that sick. It’s just a cold.”
“I’ll bring you breakfast after I get the kinner off to school.”
“No, I’ll come down,” Rebecca muttered as she sank down onto the bed. “Don’t want you to go to any trouble.”
Her mother stroked her hot forehead. “It’s no trouble, liebschen. You’re no trouble. Ever. Rest, dear one. Let someone take care of you.”
Rebecca watched her mother leave the room and felt guilty. How, she wondered, could Mamm still show her such love? She was supposed to watch out for her sister. She was supposed to keep her from harm.
The Bible talked about being your brother’s keeper. She’d tried to be her sister’s. She’d failed.
CHAPTER 3
Rebecca heard the whispering as she slowly came awake, her head throbbing and her throat tight and hot.
“Shh, be quiet!”
“Ya, mauseschtill!”
“Why do people say that? Are mice quiet?”
“I don’t know. I don’t like mice.”
“Shh, if we wake her, Mamm will be mad at us!”
“She looks pretty sick.”
“She’s okay. She gets sick every winter. It’s because she goes out there looking for Lizzie.”
“No, she doesn’t! She’s not crazy!”
“Didn’t say she was. But she stands out there in the snow looking at the pond. Marian says—”
Rebecca opened her eyes. “What does Marian say?”
Her brother Jonas, ten years old, slapped a hand to his chest. “You scared me to death!”
“You woke me up.”
“I tolded him not to,” said Abram, five years old.
“Told,” Jonas corrected.
“Yeah, I tolded you.”
Jonas sighed. “Anyway, are you feeling any better, Rebecca?”
She nodded and sat up. The room didn’t whirl around her. “A little.”
“Are you hungry? Mamm made you some chicken soup for supper.”
Rebecca glanced at the window. Had she slept through the entire day?
Her mother walked into the room carrying a tray. “I wondered why it was so quiet up here. I should have figured someone was waking up Rebecca.”
A chorus of “I didn’t!” and finger pointing ensued.
Clutching her head, Rebecca shushed them. “Ach, mei bruders, not so loud! My head hurts!”
Immediately they were contrite. “Sorry,” they chimed quietly. His eyes huge, Eli patted her hand.
“Jonas, maybe you could get your sister a wet washcloth for her hands.”
He went for the cloth and returned with it dripping. Gingerly, Rebecca used it to wash her hands, trying not to get her quilt wet.
“I’ll go help Marian set the table,” he told their mother. “Come, kinner.”
“Mamm, tell him to stop treating me like a boppli,” complained Annie.
“You shouldn’t be waiting on me,” Rebecca said as her mother set a tray on her lap. She knew how hard her mother worked, and here she was waiting on her grown daughter.
“It’s no trouble.” Naomi put the back of her hand on her daughter’s forehead. “Still warm. If you’re not better tomorrow, maybe we should take you to the doctor.”
“It’s just a cold,” Rebecca insisted. “I’m feeling better.” But her voice came out sounding like a croak. She spooned up some of the chicken soup. “Mmm, this is good.”
Looking up, she saw her mother frowning at her. “I’m better, Mamm, really. The nap helped. If you call sleeping all day a nap.”
Her mother pursed her lips. “Are you sure? You’ve just been . . . delicate since you had pneumonia.”
“That was five years ago.”
“We nearly lost you too.”
Rebecca saw that her mother was blinking back tears. “I’m sorry. Mamm, I’m sorry. You didn’t need to have that happen after we lost Lizzie.”
“It wasn’t your fault you got sick.”
But it was my fault that I stayed sick, thought Rebecca. “I got better. And I’m not going to get that sick again.”
“A pneumonia shot,” her mother said, nodding. “I feel better when I remember that you had the pneumonia shot. It seems there’s a shot for everything these days. What will the Englisch come up with next?”
Both of them fell silent. Rebecca wondered if her mother was thinking, as she was, that no one had come up with a way to keep Lizzie from falling through the ice.
She set her spoon down on the tray. “Thank you for bringing me the soup. I’m sorry I’m so much trouble.”
Mamm moved the tray to the dresser and returned to stroke her daughter’s hair. “You are never any trouble. Drink your juice and try to get some more rest.”
Rebecca nodded. “I’ll be all better in the morning.”
Bending, her mother kissed her on her forehead. “We’ll see. For now, no worrying about your job and your chores, allrecht? Your father stopped by the gift shop, and Anita said to tell you to get well and come in when you’re better.”
Her energy gone, Rebecca lay back against her pillow. Before she could pull the covers up, her mother was tucking her in. It brought back memories of being tucked in when she was a child, and she smiled.
“Sleep now, liebschen. Things will be better in the morning.”
Ben pulled his buggy up to the familiar figure walking beside the road.
“So you’re feeling better,” he called out.
Rebecca stopped and looked up as the buggy pulled abreast of her. Ben leaned forward, the reins loose in his hands. His eyes were serious as he stared down at her.
“Ya, I’m well.”
Her cheeks were pale, and she was breathing heavily. Each exhale produced a white puff in the cold air.
“Get in, I’ll give you a ride home.”
“I can walk. It isn’t far.”
“Your daed said your mamm was worried about you going into work.”
Rebecca climbed into the buggy. “I�
��m fine. She worries too much.”
“She worries because this time of the year you get sick a lot.”
“I’m stronger than I look,” she told him firmly.
Ben handed her the lap blanket, and she tucked it around her legs. They traveled without speaking for a few minutes, the only sound the clip-clop of the horse’s hooves on the recently cleared road. There were few cars this time of year, so it was easy to imagine that only the Amish lived here. Tourists who clogged the roads and sometimes came dangerously near the buggies on the road were few and far between as winter lengthened.
The pond came into view. Children of varying ages, bundled up against the cold, skated on the icy surface. Ben noticed that, after an initial glance, Rebecca looked away.
“Rebecca, I’ve been meaning to talk to you . . .” He broke off as she began coughing. “Rebecca? Are you all right?”
She nodded but couldn’t stop coughing. Ben pulled on the reins and stopped the buggy, tried patting her on the back. She pressed one hand to her mouth, the other to her chest, and spasms racked her. He stared at her. What if she stopped breathing? He focused on her mouth, trying to remember what he’d read about CPR. With his luck, he’d just do more damage, he decided. Or make Rebecca think that he was making improper advances.
Desperately, he looked around. What should he do? Then it came to him—there was a volunteer fire station just down the road. He turned the buggy in a U-turn and urged Ike into a run.
“What—what are you doing?” she gasped, grabbing at his arm to hold on. “Are you trying to kill us?”
She’d stopped coughing, although her face was still red and her breath was rasping in her chest.
“Are you okay?”
“I will be if you’ll slow down!”
Ben brought the buggy to a halt and took a good look at her. Her color was returning to normal—well, at least her face was no longer bright red. And the coughing that had scared him to death had indeed stopped.
“You’re sure?”
She nodded. “I’ll be fine, really.”
Leaning back in his seat, Ben hesitated as he studied her. What was it about this wisp of a woman that had made him want her as his fraa for so long? That made him wait for her and feel so protective of her?
“Where were you going?”
He made another U-turn and started for home. “To the volunteer fire station.”
“Where’s the fire?” she teased.
His eyes widened. She was always so serious. And after the past few minutes, he was surprised she could joke on the heels of such a coughing fit.
“I’m sorry if I scared you,” she told him quietly. “I’m fine now.”
“You shouldn’t have worked today.”
She bent her head and sighed. “Probably not. But if I’d stayed home, my mamm would have fussed over me like I was a kind.” Her head snapped up then, as if she’d just thought of something.
“What?”
She shook her head. “Nothing.”
In a few minutes they pulled up in front of her house. Jumping out of the buggy, Ben walked around to Rebecca’s side and held out his hands to help her down. Judging from the surprise on her face, she hadn’t expected such courtesy from him.
And why should she? he asked himself. He tried to keep their relationship strictly friendly. He didn’t want to scare her off; he’d always felt that if he didn’t approach her about a change in their relationship in just the right way, at just the right time, she might reject him.
Before she could say she could get down by herself, he clasped her around the waist and lifted her out of the buggy. They stared at each other for a long moment.
Ben set her on the ground.
She caught her breath. “Are you coming in for supper?”
He shook his head. “Not tonight. I told my family I’d be home.”
Her hands fell to her sides. She nodded and started inside, turning at the door to look at him. “Thank you for giving me a ride.”
He watched her as she went inside, then he turned to get into the buggy. He wished he hadn’t promised he’d have supper at home tonight. Somehow, it felt as if their relationship was changing lately.
He hoped he wasn’t imagining it.
Rebecca’s head was whirling as she climbed the steps to her room.
Ben turning the buggy around to get help wasn’t so remarkable. Probably anyone would have done it. But the way he’d helped her from the buggy, like a gentleman, that’s what had surprised her.
There was a different mood between them. And then, when he’d lifted her down, well, she didn’t know what to think.
She walked to her dresser to brush her hair before going back downstairs and saw how wan she looked. That was it, she thought as she removed her kapp to redo her hair. He’d felt sorry for her because she still looked so ill.
She bound up her hair again, replaced her kapp, and, exhausted by her day, sank down onto her bed for a few minutes to get a second wind.
The bed on the other side of the room had been Lizzie’s. But Marian, just thirteen then, began sleeping there to keep Rebecca company the first weeks after their sister died and Rebecca came home from the hospital. And then she’d just stayed instead of returning to the room she had shared with Esther.
Tired. Rebecca was so, so tired. She thought about what she’d said to Ben . . . If she’d stayed home, her mamm would have fussed over her like she was a kind.
Was it possible that this was why she’d stayed? Why she hadn’t ventured outside the safe, loving circle of her family to create one of her own? Because here she could stay a kind her parents worried over, and she didn’t need to assume responsibility for herself?
Stunned by the revelation, she didn’t hear Marian calling her name until her sister came into the room.
CHAPTER 4
Rebecca! Supper’s ready.” Marian stood at her bedside. “Do you want to come down and eat, or shall I bring you up a tray?”
“I’m coming down.” She yawned. “I should have helped Mamm—”
“It’s okay. I did.”
“You are such a sweet sister,” Rebecca told her, touching her arm. “Thank you.”
Marian peered at her. “Are you feeling better? I heard you coughing last night.”
“I’m sorry I woke you.”
She smiled. “I’m sure I’ve woken you up sometimes.”
“Yes. When you snore.”
“Snore?” Her sister stared at her, aghast. “I don’t snore!”
“Like a grizzly bear in hibernation,” Rebecca said.
“I don’t snore!”
Rebecca couldn’t stop her lips from twitching.
“Oh, you!” Marian said. “You had me going there for a minute!”
The sisters walked downstairs to the kitchen, their arms entwined.
Naomi glanced up from where she stood at the stove and smiled. “I heard the two of you laughing. Did the nap help, Rebecca?”
Rebecca gave her mother a hug. “Ya, but you should have woken me up. I wanted to help you.”
“It’s better that you get well,” her mother said. “And look, everything is almost done.”
Abram was putting the silverware on the table, Esther was pouring glasses of water, and even little Annie was helping by putting a napkin on each plate. Rebecca washed her hands and set to work slicing the bread while Marian helped their mother set dishes of hot food on the table.
Daed entered the room and greeted Rebecca. “Feeling better?”
“Ya,” she said. “It was good to get back to work today.”
He nodded. “Where’s Jonas?” he asked as he took his seat at the table.
Naomi turned, frowning. “I thought he was out in the barn with you.”
“I thought he was in here helping you.”
Rebecca paused in the act of slicing the bread. She frowned as she caught the furtive glance two of her brothers exchanged.
“Abram? Where’s Jonas?”
He
hesitated.
“Abram?”
Naomi set down her spoon and crossed the room. “Tell us where Jonas is.”
“He went sledding by the pond.”
Rebecca heard pond, and her knife clattered to the counter. Fear clutched her heart, and for a moment she couldn’t breathe. She rushed to grab her coat and bonnet from the peg by the door.
“I’ll go,” her father said, taking the outdoor things from her and hanging them back on the peg. He reached for his own coat and black felt hat. “I don’t want you out in the cold.”
The door opened at that moment, and Jonas walked in.
“Jonas, you did not have permission to go sledding,” Daed told him sternly. “You know the rules. Your mamm here was worried, and you worried Rebecca as well.”
“Me too,” said Abram. “I was wordied too!”
Jonas hung his head. “I’m sorry.”
“Go put on dry clothes and get your hands washed,” Amos said sternly. “We’ll talk about it after supper.” He looked at Naomi, then at his oldest son. “My own daed would have sent me to bed without supper,” he told him. “But your mamm here won’t send a child to bed hungry.”
“Danki, Mamm,” Jonas said fervently. “I’m so very hungerich.”
“Getting into mischief makes a youngster hungry, eh, Naomi?”
She nodded. “Ya, sometimes they return home because their stomach is helping them remember where they’re supposed to be.”
Jonas reddened and ran to change. When he returned and slipped into his chair, he wore a chastened expression. But Rebecca saw the sly look he sent Eli.
Sometimes Jonas reminded Rebecca of Lizzie. He was the Miller child who was always looking for adventure and not afraid to get into trouble to find it. The abraded skin on his cheek told Rebecca he’d taken a spill on the sled and encountered something harder than snow. She’d clean it and put some medicine on it before he had to face their father for his transgressions, she decided.
“Where’s Ben tonight?” Marian wanted to know.
“He promised his family he’d eat at home tonight,” Rebecca told her.
“Did he give you a ride home?” Daed asked.
“Ya.”
He gave her a satisfied nod. “Ben always does what he says he will.”