by Teresa Roman
He had something on the tip of his tongue. I could just feel it. “What is it? What are you thinking?”
“I can’t believe Vanessa King is a mother. Not that I didn’t think you would be, it’s just I still remember you back in high school swearing you were never getting married or having kids. Yet here you are, a mother of two.”
“It’s Vanessa Collins now,” I said. “And as you already know, a lot can change in twenty years.”
“Yes, it can,” Alex agreed. “Do you keep in touch with anyone else from our old high school?”
“A few people but mostly on Facebook.” I pulled out my phone again and scrolled through my friends list showing Alex pictures of some of our former classmates. I pointed to a picture of a girl I knew he used to date. “Tanya’s married to some cardiologist now, and they’ve got a giant house in the Fab Forties.”
I’d often fantasized about living in the Fab Forties, a posh neighborhood in Midtown Sacramento where all the homes had perfectly manicured lawns and regularly sold for well over a million dollars.
“Doesn’t surprise me,” he said. “It’s for the best. She wouldn’t have been happy with a blue-collar guy like me.”
I gave him a wry look. “Would you have been happy with someone as high maintenance as her?”
Alex smiled, and before he could stop himself, he started laughing. “You’re right. Tanya and I were polar opposites. I still don’t know why I agreed to go out with her.”
“Wait. She was the one who asked you out?”
He nodded.
“Well, you probably just said yes because you didn’t want to hurt her feelings,” I said. “Or maybe it’s because she’s drop-dead gorgeous.”
“It wasn’t that. Believe it or not, some of us guys realize there’s more to a person than the way they look.”
My heart did that weird somersault thing again. Alex had always been different than a lot of other guys I knew. It was nice to hear that he hadn’t changed.
He glanced down at his phone. “Oh shit,” he said grabbing it and stuffing it in his back pocket. “I’ve got to be at work in fifteen minutes. Where the hell did the time go?”
We’d been at the coffee shop for almost an hour. I hadn’t realized it had been that long either. Alex stood and pulled his jacket on. “Can we do this again sometime?” he asked. “Maybe next time we can grab some dinner?”
“Dinner? Um, okay. Sure.”
“I’ll text you later tonight.” Alex turned to leave, almost stumbling over his chair. He glanced over his shoulder, sparing me a quick bashful look before darting out the door.
He’d taken off so quickly that I didn’t quite realize I’d agreed to meet him again until I got into my car. It wouldn’t be a date, I reminded myself as I turned the engine on. Just two old friends getting reacquainted. Having male friends again would be fun. When Ryan and I were together, he’d get upset if he even saw me having a conversation with another guy. He didn’t believe men and women could be just friends.
As I pulled out of the parking lot, something dawned on me. Alex had managed to make me smile in a way I hadn’t for a long time. It didn’t mean anything, though. That was just the kind of thing that happened when you ran into a friend you hadn’t seen in forever and reminisced about old times. I wasn’t going to feel guilty about it. Even I deserved to smile every now and then.
9
“It wasn’t a date,” I told Marla again when she popped over with her kids after school a few days later.
“Then why’d he ask you out for dinner?”
“What he asked was if I wanted to grab dinner sometime, which isn’t exactly the same thing as, ‘hey, would you like to have dinner with me?’” I clarified. “He also said he’d text me, but he hasn’t, so I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by it.”
“Let’s just say, hypothetically, that Alex did ask you out on a date. What would you say?”
“I’d say no. Because I’m not dating him or anyone else ever again,” I said, my voice dead serious so she’d know I meant it.
Marla’s eyes widened. Clearly, she hadn’t expected that response, though I had no idea why. She, more than anyone, knew what I’d been through with Ryan.
“You have to at least give dating a chance.”
I shook my head. “No, I don’t. Love is a lie. I learned that from Ryan the hard way. It all starts out the same way. With sweet words and gifts, and then after they snare you, the truth comes out.”
I was convinced that was the reason Ryan had proposed so soon after we started dating. He was afraid that once I saw what he was really like, I’d bail. But I’d gotten so swept up in the romance, the conviction in love at first sight, and Ryan being my one true love that I didn’t stop to ponder why he wanted things between us to move so swiftly.
Marla tilted her head to the side just a little. “Not all guys are like that.”
“You’re right. But I don’t know how to sniff out the nice guys from the jerks, so I’ll just leave the dating to the women who do. I’m fine on my own, and so are the kids.”
Marla sighed and got up to help herself to a glass of water. I could tell she had more to say, but thankfully, she kept it to herself. If Alex ever did text or call, I’d agree to meet with him again, as friends only. And if he ever expressed a desire for more, I’d politely tell him I wasn’t interested. I had two kids to raise, on my own. With their school stuff and soccer and Lydia’s gymnastics, I was drowning in activities. Jacob kept bugging me about joining band, and no matter how much I wanted to say no, I knew I wouldn’t. My kids were down one parent, and I planned on making up for it any way I knew how, even if that meant enduring trumpet practice and cringe-worthy band performances.
By the following week, I was sure Alex had forgotten all about the dinner he’d mentioned. I shrugged it off. It was better not to let him get too close. I remembered the funny little backflip my heart had done the last time I’d seen him. I didn’t need him confusing my already-confused life.
I’d almost completely pushed all thoughts of him out of my mind when I ran into him a few days later at the grocery store, of all places. I’d just put a bag of organic tortilla chips into my shopping cart when I heard his voice behind me.
“Just because they’re organic doesn’t mean they’re any better for you,” he teased.
I turned my head and smiled. “Great, now what am I going to snack on, you party pooper?”
He returned my smile and reached into his shopping cart. “Personally, I like these,” he said, holding up a box of ice cream sandwiches.
“You’re not going to try and convince me those are healthy, are you?”
“Well, they’ve got calcium—”
“And more fat and calories than I should be eating in a day.”
His smile faded. “You’ve got a good point there.”
“So how have you been?” I asked.
“Good. Just been busy putting in lots of extra hours at work.”
Was that why he hadn’t texted? Not that it mattered. I’d put more stock into his on-the-fly dinner invitation than I should have.
“I’m off for the next three days though,” he said. “Maybe we can grab some dinner tonight?”
I hesitated before replying, “Tonight’s not good.” As much fun as having dinner with Alex sounded, I just couldn’t. “I’m a single mom now, and my kids aren’t old enough for me to leave them home by themselves.” I supposed I could ask Marla, but then she’d just give me the third degree after, and I wasn’t up for another discussion about my love life.
“Right. I hadn’t thought about that.” He rubbed his right temple with his fingertips. “Maybe you can bring them. We can get some pizza. Kids love pizza.”
“How would you know that?” He hadn’t mentioned having kids when I’d asked him.
“All kids love pizza. That’s just common knowledge.”
I was almost tempted to say yes, but something stopped me. I didn’t want to confuse Jacob and Lydia. H
anging out with Alex would be fun. Even though I worked full-time, most of my job duties got done at home, which meant I didn’t get a lot of opportunities to interact with people my own age. Sometimes I missed it. But my children came first.
“I don’t know. They’re kind of … shy.”
“Well, how about coffee again sometime instead?”
I shrugged. “Sure. Just let me know when.”
“Can we do it tomorrow?”
I hadn’t expected such an eager response. “Okay,” I said. “Same place and time as last time?”
“Works for me.”
“I’ll see you then,” I said then turned and headed down the grocery store aisle.
For some strange reason, running into Alex had lifted my mood, and I managed to sail through the rest of the morning, despite a conference call that almost put me to sleep. Then I went to pick up the kids. One look at Jacob’s puffy eyes and tearstained cheeks and my heart completely deflated.
“What happened?” I asked as he slammed the car door shut.
“PE,” he said lowering his head.
“What about PE?”
“I got picked last for teams again, and then Ash hit me in my shin with a hockey stick. On purpose!”
“Did you tell your PE teacher?”
Lydia groaned. “Mr. Maloney doesn’t do anything.”
“Ash just told him it was an accident,” Jacob said.
Whoever that Ash kid was, I felt like punching him in his face. Despite being on a soccer team for the last three years, Jacob had never been the sportiest kid, and sometimes he got teased about it. Physical education, or PE as the kids called it, was quickly becoming his least favorite subject in school.
“Let’s just forget about PE and that stupid Ash kid,” I said. “Why don’t we go and get some frozen yogurt?”
“Frozen yogurt. Yay!” Lydia lifted her arms in the air, excited, while Jacob just mumbled a barely audible “okay.”
Thankfully, by the time Jacob finished topping his frozen yogurt with gummy bears, sprinkles, and whipped cream, a smile finally appeared on his handsome face. It felt good to know that I’d put it there. Sometimes the small victories were the most satisfying. I hadn’t been wrong when I’d told Marla I didn’t plan on dating ever again. My kids came first. It was just the three of us now, and I kind of liked it that way.
When Ryan was alive, I felt like I constantly had to protect our children from his temper. Ryan sometimes said things to them, hurtful things. Things that I know stayed with them. As I watched Jacob and Lydia eat their frozen yogurt, I thought back to a few weeks before Ryan’s accident. I’d come home from the gym on a Sunday to find Ryan hovering over Jacob, who was cowering in the corner of the living room. Tears streamed down my son’s face.
“What’s going on here?” I asked.
Ryan turned his head in my direction. “What’s going on is your son almost broke his sister’s fingers.”
“How did that happen?”
“He slammed the door on my hand.” I glanced at Lydia, who stood a few feet away, her face pale. “But I told Daddy it was just an accident.”
Ryan smacked Jacob.
The sound of his hand making contact with my son’s cheek, followed by Jacob crying out, set my insides on fire. I ran across the room, putting myself between Jacob and his father. “Leave him alone!”
“You’re always defending him. He doesn’t need a mama bear. He needs discipline.”
“Lydia said it was an accident.”
Ryan glared at me. Without another word, he stormed away, down the hall and into the bedroom, slamming the door behind himself. That’s when Jacob broke down crying. I pulled him into my arms, sick to my stomach. I’d made the choice to marry Ryan, to have children with him. Children that I sometimes had to protect from their very own father. I hated it, and I hated how helpless I felt.
But the thing was Ryan wasn’t always bad with them. Sometimes he doted on them more than I did. It made deciding what was right impossibly hard. Just when Ryan would push me far enough that I swore a divorce was my only option, he’d change. Ryan would soften. He’d start helping around the house. He’d play with the kids. More than once, after Jacob had heard us arguing, he told me he didn’t want us to get divorced. Despite everything his father did, he still loved him. Kids were forgiving that way.
I wondered if Jacob’s tears from earlier weren’t just about some mean kid in his class and being picked last for PE. Maybe they were the tears of a nine-year-old who missed his father. I was the kind of mother who liked to fix things for her kids, but I couldn’t fix Ryan’s death for them. The thought almost made me feel like crying.
Instead, I smiled at my children and ruffled Jacob’s hair first then his sister’s.
“You guys know how much I love you, right?”
They smiled and replied in chorus, “Yeah. We do.”
10
I woke up the next day to a gray drizzly morning. It was almost April. The sun was supposed to be out. It never snowed in Sacramento, but the winters were chilly and rainy. Once spring hit, it stayed sunny and warm for extended periods of time, but sometimes there were late-in-the-season storms. This was apparently one of those days. The bad weather put me in such a funk, I almost texted Alex to cancel our coffee plans. I didn’t even want to spend time with me, so why would Alex? I hated the idea of bailing on him last minute though, so after dropping the kids off at school, I drove over to the coffee shop where we’d met last time.
As soon as I stepped inside, Alex waved. I walked over to him. “I already got you a mocha,” he said. “Figured you’d want the same drink you got last time.”
“Thanks.” I took a seat and managed a smile, trying to cover my murky mood.
“You look nice,” he said.
I ran a hand through my hair, still moist from the drizzle outside. “Thank you,” I said, even though I had a hard time believing he really meant it. I felt like a hot mess, which in my mind, meant that I looked like one too. Alex, on the other hand, really did look amazing. I suddenly wondered if he was dating anyone. I was about to ask him, when it dawned on me that if he wasn’t, he probably would be soon. Guys like him didn’t stay single long. “You do too.”
“I was wondering something the other day when I ran into you at the grocery store.”
“Oh yeah?” I asked. “And what would that be?”
Alex took a sip of his coffee before continuing. “How come I haven’t seen you at the gym again? What time do you usually go?”
“To be honest, I haven’t been going very often. Not since Ryan died. Between work and trying to deal with all his final arrangements, life’s been so busy. Not to mention all the cooking and cleaning and housework. Why do you ask?”
“Any chance I can convince you to start going again?”
I frowned. “Why? Are you trying to hint at something?”
It took a moment for Alex to get what I was saying. His eyes widened. “Oh no, not at all. I mean, you look great, perfect in fact. I just … I need someone to keep me motivated. I was going to ask if you wanted to go together. We could be workout buddies.”
“Workout buddies?” I mulled his words over in my mind. I usually worked out alone. Every now and then, I went to the gym with Marla but not very often. When we did go together, working out was always more fun. The more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea. If I had someone to exercise with, maybe it wouldn’t be so hard for me to finally get back into my old fitness routine. And I’d get to see Alex more often, an idea I liked more than I should have. I didn’t want to seem too eager, though. “Hmm, I don’t know.”
“C’mon,” he urged. When I didn’t give him an answer, he continued. “Just so you know, I’m not above begging.”
How could I say no? Especially when my heart was doing that annoying thump-thump thing again. “Okay,” I said then took a sip of my coffee, trying to come across as casual. “You got yourself a deal.”
He smiled, and I swo
re my heart stopped beating for a moment. Years ago, he’d had that same effect on me, but I was way too shy to tell him back then. There were so many girls vying for his attention that I didn’t think I stood a chance. We’d kissed once, on a dare at a party, and sitting there across the table from him, the memory flashed in my mind, more vivid than it should have been considering how long ago it had happened.
I pushed the image out of my head and searched for something to talk about. Anything to get me to stop imagining what Alex looked like shirtless and sweaty after a workout. “So besides going to the gym and working, how else do you spend your time?” I wondered what being both single and childless was like. It had been so many years since I’d been both of those that I hardly remembered it.
Alex shrugged. “I sleep a lot and watch way more Netflix than I should.”
He sounded a little sad. For a moment, I was tempted to reach for his hand. It’s what I would have done when we’d been friends all those years ago. I had to remind myself that plenty had changed since then. “I’m sure soon enough you’ll find your real Miss Right, and before you know it, you’ll have a house full of children. And then you’ll never get to watch Netflix again, no matter how bad you really want to.”
He shook his head. “I doubt it. I don’t even think I can have children.”
I frowned. “Why do you say that?”
“I was married for twelve years, Vanessa, and it never happened.”
Twelve years? Wow, he’d gotten married young. I had no idea why that surprised me so much, but it did. “Maybe it was your ex’s fault.”
“Nope. It definitely wasn’t. Kristi can have kids.”
I wondered how he knew that. Maybe she’d already moved on with someone else and had a baby with her new guy. That was probably why Alex sounded so bitter. I’d feel the same way if I were in his shoes. Love really sucked sometimes.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring up painful memories.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for. I mean, sure, going through a divorce is shitty, but it can’t be worse than what you’re going through. I can’t even imagine losing someone I love the way you did.”