by Teresa Roman
Long after Marla and Lynette went home, my somber mood persisted. I tried willing the awful feeling inside me away, but it refused to budge. That voice felt like it was screaming at me. Around the kids, I managed to mostly hold myself together, but at night I struggled to sleep. I kept thinking about all the things I could’ve done differently. My insomnia had returned with a vengeance.
I didn’t want Alex to know. He was happier than I’d ever seen him. Especially after the weekend he’d spent with his daughter. That Monday, Leah was all he could talk about.
“I told her all about you,” he said.
“She wasn’t upset that you have a girlfriend?”
“No. She’s actually excited to meet you,” he said. “I get her the weekend after next. We should have lunch and then hang out at my place after. Have your kids bring their swimsuits. We can have a family pool party.”
“They’d love that.” And so would I. But as much fun as it sounded, I couldn’t stop the alarm bells from going off in my head. I kept hearing Rick telling me how fucked up I was. Maybe he was right about me, and Alex was wrong. Would Leah see through me? I didn’t want to come between her and her father.
Later that day, when I told the kids about Alex’s invitation, they were thrilled, just like I knew they’d be. We didn’t have a pool at my house. In Sacramento, summer temperatures often soared to over a hundred degrees. When it got that hot, there wasn’t much you could do outside except swim, so the kids got super excited whenever anyone with a pool invited them over. They’d already swum at Alex’s a few times and frequently asked when they’d get to again.
Despite the storm brewing inside me, I was also excited. I couldn’t help but wonder what Leah was like. I hoped that she and my kids would get along. I wanted this to work more than anything. My kids were already so emotionally invested in Alex that I couldn’t stomach the idea of anything going wrong.
On the day we were to meet Alex’s daughter, I got up early to pack the kids’ bathing suits and towels for later. I also picked out their clothes even though they really were old enough to do that on their own. But sometimes those clothes didn’t exactly match, or they chose a shirt with stains on it that had somehow got past my radar when I did laundry. I doubted Leah would care what my kids wore, but keeping my hands busy helped occupy my mind.
By noon, we were all dressed and ready to go. We met Alex in front of a pizza restaurant in Midtown. He greeted me with a kiss on the cheek and the kids with hugs.
“Have you been waiting long?” I asked.
“No, we just got here.”
I smiled at the girl beside him and held out my hand. “You must be Leah. I’m Vanessa. It’s so nice to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you too,” she said, shaking my hand.
“These are my kids, Jacob and Lydia.”
She glanced at them and gave a sheepish wave. “Hi.”
They replied with “hi,” nervously fidgeting at the same time. Our kids had at least one thing in common.
“Who’s hungry for pizza?” Alex asked, trying to break up the awkward silence.
“I am,” Lydia replied excitedly. She turned to me and pulled on my shirt. “Can you ask them to give us some dough balls to play with?”
“Sure,” I said as Alex held the door open for us.
We were seated, and a few minutes later, a waiter came by with water and three small globs of pizza dough. I hadn’t even needed to ask for it. The kids eagerly took it from him and got busy playing.
“This pizza dough thing really is genius,” Alex whispered to me.
“I know.” Not only was it keeping the three kids busy, but they were interacting, showing each other different things they could make with the dough. I glanced up from my menu, studying Leah while trying not to be too obvious about it. She looked so little like Alex that I understood why he’d suspected she wasn’t his biological daughter even before his ex confessed her infidelity. Leah had rust-colored hair and brown eyes. But it wasn’t just their coloring that was different. Her features were nothing like Alex’s. Her jaw was soft, his was angled. She had a high forehead while his was rather short.
By the time the kids’ pizza arrived, they were all smiles, and I’d even heard them laugh a few times. They were in mutual agreement that the best pizza had only two things on it: tomato sauce and cheese. They even agreed to share, instead of each of them asking for their own pie. Alex and I both glanced at each other out of the corners of our eyes. I could tell he was thinking the same thing I was. We were both pleased at how well everyone was getting along.
“Who’s excited about going to the pool after lunch?” Alex asked.
“Me,” they all said in unison.
“Are you a good swimmer?” I asked Leah, trying to pull her into conversation.
“Kind of,” she said.
“Leah was on the swim team for a few years,” Alex said.
“Oh really? What was your favorite stroke?”
“Back stroke. Or breast stroke. I don’t know. I like them both.”
“Well, you’ll have to show Jacob and Lydia later. They only know freestyle.”
“What’s freestyle?” Lydia asked.
“It’s regular swimming,” Jacob said.
“If it’s regular swimming, why don’t they just call it that? Why do they have to call it freestyle?”
Leah started laughing. The three of them got into a spirited debate about swim strokes while they finished their pizza. For dessert, they all got a scoop of gelato. By the time they were finished with it, they were beyond excited to get over to Alex’s house and into his pool. At just after one in the afternoon, it was blazingly hot out. It would stay that way for another three months. Sunny, hot, no rain or clouds. The weather in California’s north valley was boringly predictable, but I supposed that was better than a surprise rainstorm ruining carefully laid plans.
The kids changed into their swimsuits as soon as we got to Alex’s house. They ran outside to the backyard and screamed as they did their first cannonballs into his pool. Alex and I sat beside each other on patio chairs under the shade of an awning.
“They seem to be getting along really well,” Alex said.
“Yeah. Even better than I thought they would.”
I leaned back in the chair and looked at the kids. They were trying to sort out how they could do a cannonball all at the same time. I loved how happy the three of them looked. Nothing made me feel more at peace than watching my children wear genuine smiles on their faces. I knew Alex felt the same way. Which was why he worried endlessly about what his ex would do. She carried the truth about Alex not being Leah’s biological dad like a grenade, and no one knew when she was going to pull the pin out.
“Have you spoken to your ex at all since you petitioned for custody?” I asked, hoping that he’d found a way to get her to see that there was a right way and a wrong way to tell a child life-altering information.
“My lawyer advised me to avoid getting into any conflicts with Kristi, so the only time I speak to her is when I pick Leah up and drop her off. And even then, it’s mostly just hi and bye. Her lawyer must’ve told her the same thing because she hasn’t said much to me. But I can tell she’s pissed. I can see it in her eyes.”
I turned my head from Alex to look at the pool. Leah was showing Jacob and Lydia how to backstroke. “Has there been any news from your lawyer?”
“Nothing. I’m still waiting to hear when the trial date will be set. All Linda has said is that I need to be on my best behavior so the judge will have a good opinion of me.”
Alex wouldn’t have any trouble with that. Even in high school he’d been one of the good guys. He rarely cursed. He got decent grades, and he didn’t mess around with alcohol or drugs like so many of our classmates had. Not much had changed. He maybe had an occasional beer when we went out to eat, but that was about it. “You’re Leah’s father. Even if you don’t share the same DNA. You raised her. You’ve been making child support payments e
very month. You have a right to joint custody.”
“Yeah, but I messed up when I agreed to give Kristi primary custody after the divorce. I’m going to have to prove to the judge that I deserve joint custody.”
“You’re worried, aren’t you?” I didn’t need to ask the question. I could hear it in his voice.
“As long as Kristi doesn’t find some bullshit dirt to use against me, I should be fine.”
I squeezed Alex’s hand, wishing that I could do more to reassure him. After another few minutes, the kids got out of the pool, ready for a little break. Leah walked over to her dad and gave him a big hug. He smiled, not seeming to care that she’d got him all wet. They appeared to have a close relationship. She was a daddy’s girl. It wasn’t a concept I was really familiar with since my own dad had left when I was still so young, and Ryan’s temper made Lydia fear him more often than not. I deeply regretted that. When I’d married Ryan, I hadn’t really thought about the fact that I was not only choosing a husband for myself but a father for my children. Whenever one of the kids came crying to me after he’d yelled at them, I felt terrible that I’d chosen wrong.
Once my mind got started on a train of thought, it was hard for me to change course. Even after the kids got back in the pool, I continued to sit there thinking.
“Is something wrong?” Alex asked.
“No.” I managed a smile. “I’ve just got a few things on my mind.”
Alex raised his brow. “What kind of things?”
I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. “Nothing,” I said. “It’s not important.”
“You know you can tell me anything, right?”
I nodded. I could tell him anything, but there was just so much I couldn’t bring myself to say.
“How about we get these kids some ice cream?” Alex asked, getting up from his chair. “I’ve got chocolate and cookies and cream in my freezer.”
“They just had gelato at lunch.”
“Yeah, but did you see how small those bowls were? Plus, I’m starting to get really hot, and I don’t think the kids are going to let us get away with eating ice cream in front of them.”
“You have a point,” I agreed.“Bring some bowls and spoons, and I’ll help you scoop.”
After their ice cream break, the kids went right back into the pool. They were having so much fun that I wasn’t able to pry them away until close to dinnertime. It took me telling them, “five more minutes” at least three times before they grudgingly changed back into their dry clothes.
While they were in the bathroom, I walked over to Leah. “It was really nice to meet you. Hopefully, we’ll get to see you again soon.”
“We’d like that.” Alex put his hands on his daughter’s shoulders. She looked up at him adoringly. “Right, Leah?”
“Yeah.”
The kids finished up in the bathroom and handed me their wet towels and bathing suits. “Go tell Alex and Leah thank you,” I instructed them.
They said their goodbyes, and then I loaded them into the car. A few minutes after I arrived home, Alex texted.
I think things went really well, don’t you?
Yes. Leah is such a sweet girl. I’m glad I got to meet her.
And I really was. I’d had a great afternoon, and so had the kids. I could picture it in my mind. Alex and me, his kids and mine. The images were beautiful, heartwarming, but the ugly voice in my head that interrupted wasn’t. Ever since Rick’s visit, it had gotten a million times louder.
What are you doing? You don’t deserve a man like Alex. If he knew who you really were, he wouldn’t want you. I managed to drown the voice out by watching a movie with the kids, but when I went to bed later that night, it returned with a ferociousness I hadn’t seen coming. And I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe the voice was right. Alex had a custody battle coming up. Every aspect of his life would be scrutinized. What if I wound up being the bullshit dirt Kristi’s lawyer used against Alex? All he’d need to do was track down Rick. I was sure my former brother-in-law would be more than happy to give Kristi’s lawyer an earful about what a terrible person I was. Lawyers were good at twisting things. What if Kristi’s made it look like I’d be a bad influence on her daughter? I didn’t want to be the reason Alex lost Leah. I already had enough guilt to live with.
21
On Monday, I woke up tired and miserable. I decided to skip the gym. I hadn’t slept well the night before, and sometime over those sleepless hours, I’d made a decision. Until Alex’s custody case was over, and maybe even after that, I needed to give him space. I tried not to think about how unhappy it would make me or possibly even Alex, who seemed to have no idea how toxic I really was.
With the kids’ camp over, I had them home with me for the entire day. It made getting work done nearly impossible. I racked my brain, trying to come up with fun activities for them, but everything I thought of involved more energy than I could muster.
By Wednesday morning, when I backed out of going to the gym again by text message, Alex called, demanding to know what was going on.
“Nothing,” I insisted.
“You never miss this many days at the gym. Unless you’re mad at me. Did I do something wrong?”
“No. It’s not like that at all.”
“Then does that mean I’ll get to see you tomorrow?”
I couldn’t think of a reason to back out again. At least not one that I could explain over the phone. “Yeah. I’ll be there.”
I hung up the phone feeling miserable. Usually I was good at hiding my melancholy moods from the kids, but Jacob noticed something was wrong.
“Are you getting sick, Mommy?”
“No. Why do you ask?”
“You haven’t gotten up from the couch all day.”
“Mommy’s just tired. That’s all,” I said, managing a smile. “The heat’s been sucking up all my energy.”
I decided to call Marla. She was just as desperate as I was to keep her kids busy. We decided to meet at the frozen yogurt place across the street. That short of a walk I could still manage.
“How much longer is summer vacation?” Marla asked as we sat down.
“A month and a half,” I said. “I wouldn’t mind if I had enough money to take time off work and bring the kids somewhere fun, but I don’t.”
“You look tired,” Marla said, scrutinizing my appearance. “Is everything okay?”
I shook my head. “I haven’t been sleeping well. Not since Rick’s visit.”
“Don’t tell me you’re still letting what that jerk said get to you.”
I stared down at my feet and bit my lower lip. I’d been fighting back tears ever since Rick had stormed out of my house, not wanting the kids or Alex to see me cry. And my lack of sleep wasn’t helping things. It wasn’t just what Rick had said that had me so upset, I’d struggled with my emotions for months after Ryan died, but I’d been getting a handle on them, until Rick’s visit. His words had pushed me ten steps backward. “I can’t help it.”
“What’s Alex got to say about all this?”
I lifted my gaze. “I never told him about Rick’s visit.”
Marla frowned. “Why not? He’s your boyfriend. His job is to make you feel better.”
I thought about just keeping my mouth shut since I knew exactly how Marla would respond to what I was about to say, but I decided to tell her anyway. “Alex is in the middle of a custody battle. The last thing he needs to deal with are my problems.”
“I know he wouldn’t see it that way.”
“Yeah, he wouldn’t. Which means it’s my job to look out for him.”
Marla lifted her head to look over my shoulder. “Abby,” she shouted. “Let go of your brother’s hand.”
I turned to see what was going on. Abby was squeezing her brother’s wrist so hard she was leaving crescent-shaped fingernail marks on his skin.
“He just stuck his hand in my frozen yogurt.”
Marla got up to pull her kids apart. “That doesn’t mean
you have to rip his skin off.”
She proceeded to give her two oldest kids a lecture about two wrongs not making a right then sat back down next to me. “Sheesh, I can’t even enjoy a frozen yogurt without them at each other’s throats. What’s your secret? Jacob and Lydia are so tame compared to my wild animals.”
I laughed. “Maybe in front of you they are, but believe me, they get into it plenty.”
Marla didn’t bring Alex up again. Thankfully, the little disagreement her kids got into was enough of a distraction that she forgot what we’d been talking about. Instead, she started telling me about some guy she’d given her number to. His kids went to the same school as ours. “Turns out his wife cheated on him, too, so we’ve got that in common.”
“I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.”
“Neither am I. I’m already picturing our first date. We’ll be sitting there, trash-talking our exes over sushi and green tea.”
“You’ll be able to empathize with each other,” I said. “That’s not a bad thing.”
She shrugged. “I suppose.”
When morning came, I let the kids know I was bringing them to Kids Club. They liked going because there were lots of fun activities for them to do. I should’ve been bringing them all week so they could catch a break from cartoons and video games and play with other kids instead of just each other. Thinking that only made me feel worse than I already did. After Ryan died, I’d sworn I could do this single-mother thing. Now I doubted everything. Especially myself. As soon as Jacob and Lydia saw Alex waiting for me in the lobby, they ran toward him. Lydia threw her arms around Alex.
“We didn’t know you were going to be here,” Jacob said.
My kids were already so attached to him. I began to second-guess myself again. But then I reminded myself that in the long term it would be harder for everyone involved if Alex and I imploded somewhere down the line. It would be easier if we parted ways now before our lives became further intertwined.
We barely talked that morning. I was too distracted by my thoughts. Alex sensed something was off with me. Twice he’d asked what was wrong. Both times I’d said, “Nothing.”