by Beth Thomas
‘I found walkie talkies in the next one along,’ Felix says reverentially, as we both stare down into the drawer.
‘Christ, what the hell is she expecting?’
‘Probably just likes to be prepared.’
‘Do you think she’s got a gun somewhere?’ We’re both whispering.
‘She probably took it to Oz.’
‘Bloody hell.’
Felix raises his eyes and looks at me steadily, so I grab my glass and raise it. ‘Here’s to Winnie, for being the most together, battle-ready, fully tooled up, frail little old lady I know.’
‘Hear hear,’ he joins in, raising his own glass. ‘Ah Daisy, you’re so …’ He stops there, as if interrupted by something.
‘What?’
He doesn’t reply, just puts his glass down on the counter and looks at me earnestly. ‘Seriously, I really think you should answer that now.’
‘Answer what?’
His eyes flick down to my pocket. ‘That duck in your pocket. You can’t ignore it forever, and it’s pretty insistent.’
‘What? What duck …?’ I put my hand in my pocket and find my phone, and realise then what he means. But he must be mistaken. My phone has not made a sound the entire time. I look at the screen. Six alerts from Facebook, and a text message from Abby. ‘Oh …’ I quickly click onto the site. They’re all from Abby too.
Abby Marcus Where are you?
That one was about an hour ago. Then ten minutes later:
Abby Marcus Daze, please answer. Where are you?
And five minutes after that:
Abby Marcus Seriously Daisy, I need to know how long you are going to be.
The final two are two minutes and three minutes later.
Abby Marcus DAISY MACINTYRE ANSWER ME, I’m getting desperate.
and
Abby Marcus OK, you’re either deliberately ignoring me for some reason or you can’t hear me. I’ll have to text you.
The text is a revelation. Two in one year.
I rly need yu 2 get bak 2 th flt as sn as yu can. Smthngs com up Pls hurry.
When I’ve finished reading I let my phone hand drop and look up at Felix.
‘Everything OK?’ he says, pausing in his tomato-slicing activity.
‘I’ve got to go,’ I say quietly. ‘I’m sorry.’
He lays the knife down on the chopping board. ‘Oh. That’s a shame.’
I nod. I’m floundering again. How did these messages arrive and me not notice? The Facebook alert sound has become like the sound of a crying baby to me. I am tuned in to it, alert to it, poised waiting for it at all times. How else could I keep up to date with all the goings on in the outside world? It’s my link to normality, my window to other, ordinary lives still carrying on. People going shopping, seeing films, having lunch, kissing …
‘I’ll walk back with you,’ Felix is saying in the background as I start to make my way zombie-like to the hallway.
‘Thanks,’ I reply automatically. My hand is gripping my phone so tightly it’s starting to hurt, but suddenly I’m worried about missing something important. What if Abby tries to contact me again and I don’t hear? What if one of my friends buys something new and exciting and reports on it? What if one of their friends makes a witty comment about it? I could miss it all. This strange new world I’ve entered is unpredictable and I feel a need to get back to my own world. Back to the flat, to my room, to normality. As soon as possible.
As Felix and I walk briskly back along the pavement, presumably in the direction of Abby’s flat, I quickly send a text to her to say I’m on my way. Felix and I don’t speak at all on the journey. He walks next to me and I’m aware of him there, but only as a guide at this moment. Finally now I’m starting to feel tendrils of panic snaking their way into my bewilderment and my hand on my phone grips more tightly as the other hand clenches. What has happened to Abby? Why is she so anxious to talk to me? Is she hurt or in danger? Have I failed her in some way? God, I need to get to her and try to put this right.
Finally we round the corner at the end of the road and there in front of us is Abby’s building. I scan the front of it quickly for plumes of black smoke or flames stroking the outside of the windows, but there are none. The roof is still intact, as are the walls. All is quiet calm. Birds fly past silently in the sunshine. A quick glance along the road outside the entrance confirms that no ambulance is parked there, and no police car. There is only one car, a large black saloon with no blue light on top and no hi-vis stripes. As we draw nearer and all seems to be well, my thudding heart starts to relax a little and I begin to feel more composed. But then I notice something that stops my heart all together.
The car parked outside the flat is Naomi’s.
SEVENTEEN
Georgia Ling
boo sooo bored sittin in dentist
Jill Grayson dey r k a guess lol sme tymes it can b borin a hate dentist lol#
Simon Stiles you gonna get falsees like my nan lmao xxxx
Steve Seagull chin up babes, iss all gooooood ;)
Karen Fleet soon be da weekend tho yay! partayyyyyyy
Kev Owen Get on with some work then lol
Dawn Mitchell why you in dentist hunni? Hope your ok???
Georgia Ling jus chek up chicky xx
Sarah Baker
had a fab time meeting some great people last night, wish I hadn’t had so much samboucca tho, now got to get ready for work, not feeling to great lol
Martin Pope likes this
Martin Pope Ha ha! Serves you right.
Julie Burrett Wouldn’t wanna be you today!
David Robinson Did you remember to sky plus homeland?
Stacey Macey me too hun. Hard day for me to day, gotta get train back to Farnborough later
Paula Freeman shoulda come with me to the concert. It was amayyyzing.
Abby Marcus
is not very impressed. Got things to do, places to go, sat here wasting my time waiting. Some people are so bloody inconsiderate, thoughtless and downright selfish.
Suzanne Allen What’s happening? Who’s peed you off today? Pm me? x
Abby Marcus I have a feeling you’ll be finding out everything before too long!
Suzanne Allen Ooh that’s intriguing. Give me a clue?
Abby Marcus You can guess Suze. What usually pees me off?
Suzanne Allen Don’t you mean ‘who’??!
Abby Marcus Yeah, you’re on the right lines. Although it’s not quite as straightforward as that. It’s related to that, if you get me. I won’t go into detail on here but watch this space. Or your phone. Coz it won’t be on this actual space.
Suzanne Allen OK. Just remember what we talked about. That ‘thing’ that usually pees you off – it’s not entirely to blame. Go easy, yeah?
Abby Marcus Yeah, I know Suze, I haven’t forgotten. But it’s not what you think this time. I’ll fill you in later.
Ellie Harley I know a few people like that Abs. Don’t even give ’em the time of day. xx
I close down the screen, none the wiser. Abby is clearly pissed off with me, but that’s nothing new. I had been hoping to find something out about why Naomi is here before actually going inside and facing her, but of course there’s nothing there. There wouldn’t be. None of the people who are indiscreet enough to put deeply personal stuff like that on Facebook know anything about what’s happened, because they’re so bloody indiscreet and are always putting deeply personal stuff like that on Facebook. Abby and Suze are far too sensible to do anything like that, which is why they’re the ones who know more.
Even they don’t know everything, though. I’m hoping to keep it that way.
I twist and look over my shoulder one last time to watch Felix’s tall frame strolling away behind me. My sense of unreality, of being in a new world, of brighter, heightened perception, fades further and further into the background as he does. Somehow the world seems more stable, more ordinary now. The colour is draining away with the tide that is Felix, leaving
behind a monochrome monotony that can be predicted, and is reassuringly dependable.
I walk up the path to the external door to Abby’s building and as I reach out to the handle I notice that my hand is shaking. Knots of anxiety are tying themselves up inside me. What on earth is the matter with me? This is just Naomi, my sister. I’m going to talk to my sister, why should that make me anxious?
I know why.
I hesitate outside Abby’s door. I could simply turn and walk out again, not see her today. I know I’ve got to see her, we need to talk, discuss everything that’s happened, but that doesn’t have to be today, does it? I stare down at my feet, remembering tying up my shoe lace here earlier today in a bid to get away from Tom quickly. Something vague stirs in my memory again, about my discussion with Felix, but it’s as insubstantial as mist and I can’t quite grasp it. But one thing I do remember. I was crossing things off Abby’s list this morning, and talking to Naomi is definitely on it. I decided this morning that I was going to sort out some of the other things on it as soon as I got back from my walk, and now here I am and here she is. It’s a gift.
I go in slowly, trying to walk normally but somehow automatically going into ‘stealth mode’. I can hear the sound of an awkward silence coming from the living room, so at the very least I should go and rescue Abs. A small spark of irritation flares up in me that Naomi has just arrived unannounced, expecting us all to be available, or alternatively to drop everything we’re doing for her convenience. But it dies in me before it takes proper hold. Of course she would expect me to be available. What else have I got in my life at the moment? Nothing, and she knows it.
Abby’s voice reaches me from the sofa, saying, ‘Oh, I think that’s her now. I’ll just …’ and seconds later her face appears in the hallway, scowling into mine.
‘Where the fuck have you been?’ she hisses.
‘Walking. With Felix,’ I add unnecessarily, although somehow it makes a difference.
‘Well I’ve been trying to entertain your sister for about a decade, waiting for you to come back. I thought you’d only be a couple of hours. Will you just go in there and see her?’ She turns me round and pushes me towards the living room door. ‘And make sure you bloody ask her if she knows you were left out of the will.’ I nod and take a step but she seizes me and turns me back to her. ‘And ask her if she knows why he did it.’ I nod again, and turn back, but she stops me again. ‘And ask her how much she got.’ Nod. ‘And see if she’ll share hers with you.’
Naomi is wearing knee-length white shorts, silver Fit-Flops and a pink tee shirt with a picture of a ribbon in a loop on it. Her hair is shiny and mobile, her make-up is on, her nails are polished. She looks very together. The sight of her after all these weeks makes a surge of love rush up inside me and I step quickly towards her, smiling. She glances up at me as I approach and gives me a smile and I find I’m suddenly wondering if I have twigs in my hair or dirty knees. ‘Hello, Daisy,’ she says, standing up, and to me it sounds like the greeting you give someone when they get out of prison.
‘Hi,’ I rejoin, and we hug each other. I want to cling on longer, give and receive comfort with someone who feels the way I do, but she pulls back and regards me.
‘How have you been?’ she asks sadly. ‘All right?’
I nod, even though it’s the opposite of what I mean. ‘I’ve been better. You?’
She sighs deeply and nods. ‘It’s been hard, hasn’t it? Russell was very fond of Graham too. But we’re getting there. It’s a long road, that’s all.’
‘Yes.’ We lock eyes for a few moments, then she looks away and sits back down. I move to the sofa and sit opposite her.
‘So you’re doing a walk for breast cancer,’ she says conversationally, as if it’s just something I’m doing.
‘Yeah, I am. That’s where I was, actually. Out training.’
‘Oh, wow, well done you. But … didn’t Abby say it was just a walk? You don’t need much training for that, surely?’
I bristle a bit at ‘just a walk’, but I manage to stay calm. ‘Well, you know, it’s a pretty long walk.’
‘Oh, right.’ She pauses, thinks about it for a moment, then smiles broadly. ‘I’m doing my bit. I got this tee shirt. All the proceeds go towards the research.’
‘Yeah, they’re great. Looks nice.’
There’s a moment’s silence and I start thinking about all the questions Abby wants me to ask – what Naomi knew of Graham’s will, did she know why he did it, whether he did the same for her or did she get her full entitlement. But I can’t ask them. Naomi knows as well as I do why he did it. It doesn’t really matter whether she was aware of his plans or not.
‘I’ve had a letter,’ I begin, letting her off the hook. ‘From the solicitors.’
She looks relieved that she hasn’t had to be the one to bring it up. ‘Oh, yes, yes, of course. Darren told me about it.’
‘He … told you?’ This statement settles on me like a cool, soothing balm on a scald. It changes everything, in an instant. I sit forward. ‘Weren’t you there, then, when the will was read? In the room?’ I’d always assumed I was the only one not invited to the will-reading, but if Naomi was also excluded then maybe it wasn’t a personal slight, not another consequence of my actions all those years ago; it’s simply down to the fact that we aren’t – weren’t – Graham’s actual children, not blood relatives. And then maybe I was forgiven for what happened. I feel as if a dark shell that has been sealed over me for years is starting to crack and a shaft of bright light is breaking through.
‘Oh no, I was there,’ Naomi says, and the darkness slams shut again with a clang. ‘But I didn’t see that personal letter to you. Darren told me what was in it.’
‘Oh. So … What did you think?’
She frowns a little. ‘What did I think? You mean about Graham’s will? About your share?’ I nod. ‘Well, it’s not as if we weren’t expecting it, is it? The thing is, Mum left everything to him, so he was free to do what he wanted, wasn’t he?’
‘Yeah, I know he was, but …’ I’m not sure what I’m trying to ask her. ‘Naomi, did you think it was right? Or fair? I mean, you know what Mum wanted, you heard her talking about you and me being well off. Don’t you think Graham kind of let her down when he went against her wishes?’
She shrugs. ‘Maybe he did, but there’s not much we can do about it now, is there? The will was signed, he died, and now everything’s in the process of being divided.’
‘But does the will have to be abided by? I mean, who’s the executor? Don’t you think Mum’s wishes should have been …?’
‘You’ll have to speak to Darren about it, Daze. I really don’t have anything to do with it. I’m as much in the dark as you are.’
‘Well, not exactly. Darren and Lee still talk to you, don’t they?’
‘Not every day.’ She jerks suddenly. ‘That reminds me.’ She reaches down and now I notice a carrier bag at her feet with what looks like a heavy vase in it. Something from the house, maybe? She lifts it onto her lap and takes it out of the bag. When I see what it is I get a cold feeling in my belly. ‘Darren and I agreed that we would scatter Graham’s ashes beneath that tree in the park where Mum’s are,’ she says, holding the vase in both hands. ‘And as it was his birthday last week, we thought that was a good time to do it.’
His birthday. I missed it. How could I have forgotten? And yet I am not surprised at myself. It’s exactly the sort of thing someone like me would do.
‘This is his urn,’ Naomi goes on. ‘The three of us went down there and had a little ceremony, said goodbye. As you weren’t there, we kept these back for you so you can go and do it in your own time.’ She holds the urn up a couple of inches, just in case I hadn’t seen it, then lowers it back down and puts it on the floor.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ I ask her.
She looks mildly surprised. ‘Oh, Daisy, would you have wanted to come? We just assumed you wouldn’t. And you know, Darren and Lee reall
y wanted to get it done on that particular day – there just wasn’t time for any messing around.’
‘Messing around? What do you mean?’
She shakes her head, movements too tiny to indicate a negative. This was more like shaking off an irritant. ‘Well I don’t know but it’s nothing to do with me, you’ll have to take it up with Darren and Lee. He was their dad so it was all up to them.’
‘But you could have said someth—’
‘Seriously, Daisy, speak to them about it.’
She knows I won’t. She knows they won’t answer me even if I do ask. And anyway what’s the point in asking? It’s done, it can’t ever be undone. ‘Right.’
Naomi glances at her watch now, and stands up. ‘I’m sorry, Daze, I’ve really got to get going. I wanted to see you but you weren’t here and now I’m in a bit of a rush.’
‘Oh, OK.’ We both stand up. ‘Thanks for coming.’
‘No problem.’ She swings her bag onto her shoulder. ‘Have fun on your walk.’ She opens the door to the hallway. ‘Oh, Abby. Hello there.’
‘Oh, hi, I was just coming in to, er, see if you wanted a cup of tea?’
‘No thanks, I’ve got to get off. Russ and I are getting coving. Nice to see you again.’ She turns and speaks over her shoulder. ‘Take care, Daze.’ And she’s gone.
The second the front door closes Abby comes running back in to see me. ‘Bloody hell, Daisy! I can’t believe she knew about the will but didn’t say anything! Didn’t argue for you! Why wouldn’t she do that? But the executor of the will can choose not to go along with it, you know that right? Do you know who the executor is? Is that the urn there? How weird was that?’ She inspects the urn closely, then turns to me. ‘Daisy? What did she …’ She stops. ‘Daze? You OK? Oh, Daisy.’ She comes to where I am and enfolds me in a tight hug.
Tears are streaming down my face and I put my head on Abs’s shoulder.
‘What is it?’ Abby asks. ‘Because she knew about the will? And didn’t do anything?’