by Lauren Dane
Mary beamed. “A new recipe. Carnitas.”
“I approve. Natalie tells me you write cookbooks?”
“I do. This is for a new one I’m working on now. Party food.”
“Tell them about the web-show thing.” Paddy came in. “Hey.” He kissed Natalie and waved at Tuesday. “Sorry, I had to run some mail up to my parents. It ended up with my stuff by mistake.”
“We had tacos to keep us company. And root beer floats. You can’t compete, Paddy.” Vaughan shrugged.
“So tell us. Web show?” Natalie asked Mary.
“Oh, it’s in the idea stage right now, but my agent and I had this long talk about doing a web series. I could do one from the road, which would be cooking for a crowd or cooking on the go. I have an appointment to go to several wineries next weekend to see if one or two of them would be a good venue to host a winery cooking episode. I don’t know if it’s even feasible, but it’s a new thing, and I’m excited by it.”
“That sounds awesome. I’m excited for you. You’re so photogenic, and you’re good with people. I bet you’re a natural on camera, too.”
They all stuffed their faces with tacos and root beer floats before heading in to watch the movie and stuff their faces more with some popcorn thing Mary created that sort of tasted like a caramel apple.
After everyone had left and Tuesday had gone to bed, Natalie stood on the deck outside Paddy’s bedroom, Paddy at her back, his arm around her waist as his chin rested on her shoulder.
“This was a good day. Thank you for inviting us over. I like your family a lot.”
“They like you, too. And Tuesday. I didn’t say it in front of everyone, but I know Mary would love it if you came out and did the winery tour with us next weekend. For the moral support. She’s got us obviously, but having a friend there would mean a lot.”
That touched her deeply. That he’d ask and that it would mean something to her. She was finding her place there with them, and that meant most of all.
“I’ll be there.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
THE FOLLOWING WEEKEND, Natalie had been rushing to get out the door on time when she realized it just wasn’t going to happen. She called Paddy’s cell.
“Hey, I’m sorry but I just got a call about a grant we’re trying to land. I need to add some more documentation and it’s going to take me another hour or two. You guys go without me.”
It was the winery-tour thing. Natalie wanted to support Mary and be there, but their funding was greatly supported by grants, and this one was a really good opportunity.
And of course, Paddy understood that. “Well, I know how important this grant is. I’ll send them all ahead. Just come to my house when you finish.”
“No, no. You go. Be there to cheer Mary on. Tell you what, I’ll drive out when I finish. Okay? I’ll get there as soon as I can. I’ll text you when I get close and you can let me know which winery you’re at.”
“Yeah, that’d be cool. Mary will feel better that way, too. Thanks, gorgeous.”
“Mmm-hmm. Now go on. I’ll see you as soon as I can.”
They’d been going out for three months. She saw him several times a week, slept at his place or he slept at hers. It got rocky sometimes as they both tried to work through their stuff. They were both off balance, and sometimes they had to carefully find their way back on track. But it was unexpectedly good. Because they put in the work. No one had done that for her before the way he did.
She pulled together all her stuff, finished all the supporting paperwork with one of the other librarians, and they got it all together to be sent to the grant people. An hour and some change later, she headed out, looking forward to the rest of her day with Paddy.
Only to have it all come crashing down at the sight of her father standing at the front doors of the library.
She hated that he still had the power over her to make her feel this way. Hated that every time he came into her life, it was to create chaos and destroy her carefully built life.
Being around him meant having to play games. Meant having to pretend away what was real and true. The weight of those secrets had torn her up as she got older. She was too tired to play make-believe.
For a long long time, she’d hoped it would work. Each try. Each failure cost more, and she didn’t want to pay the tab anymore.
“Why are you here?” She kept walking toward her car and thank goodness, he followed. This was her job. If anyone came out, he’d play proud daddy happy to meet her coworkers.
No one could play pretend normal like a junkie.
“I tried calling, but you won’t take my calls. I emailed, too.”
“My work email isn’t for personal use. I’ve told Grandmother to let you know that.” Not that it made a difference. He wanted what he wanted, and so the needs of anyone else meant little.
“I’m trying to make things right.” He stepped in front of her car door.
She hardened her heart and kept that wall between them as thick as she could. “Too late. I have to go. I’m expected somewhere.” She’d been very careful not to tell her grandmother anything about Paddy or her dating life so at least there was that.
“My sponsor says I can’t be held accountable for your hate of me. I did the best I could, Natty. My addiction made those mistakes. I accepted that, and you need to, as well.”
She didn’t rise to the bait. He played the oh, you hate me card all the time. It never worked for her to respond to it. It was a dead end. “Don’t call me that. I don’t want you in my life. Why don’t you tell your sponsor that? I’m not responsible for you or your recovery. I wish you well. I truly do. But you need to respect my boundaries.” She reached around and pulled her door open, moving him in the process.
“It’s not fair of you to hold grudges. I’m trying to do the right thing.”
She closed the door, locking it. She rolled her window down a crack. Enough for him to hear her. “I’m not holding a grudge. I’m protecting myself. You need to stay away from my home and my workplace. Don’t make me get a no-contact order. I hope you can stay clean. I truly do. But I don’t want your amends. I don’t want you at all. Please respect that.”
* * *
HER HANDS SHOOK for a time, but when she pulled over to text Paddy, she was more solid.
She hadn’t seen her father in three years. He’d made his amends to her more times than she could count, and it had been a really long time since she’d believed his apologies. Or hell, a long time since he’d made any genuine amends at all. Mainly it was more of the same.
Bob Clayton was raised to think no matter what he did, it wasn’t his fault. He could have gotten past that as an adult, but he never had. So when he got to the amends part, everyone got the faux apology. The I’m sorry you felt that way. Or the I’m sorry my addictions made your life hard. Which was why she hated the fake apology so much.
Gah, another stupid button living with her father had left her with.
It had been enough at one time. Back when she had room to believe he’d get himself clean and they could move forward with a mainly decent relationship. But that point passed years ago. He wasn’t capable of the change she needed, and so to protect herself and her life, she kept him out of it.
And if people thought she was heartless for it, they could have a relationship with him and commiserate about how mean she was. But she’d be protected from being disappointed by him yet again.
Paddy replied to her text to say where they were, and a quick look at her GPS told her it was just two miles from where she was. Smiling, she headed his way.
It was getting colder, but the day was clear and sunny, so she turned her collar up and put on a hat and headed toward the main building. Being with Paddy and his brothers would be good. She could wash away this melancholy with something happy.
“Blondie!”
She turned in the direction of the shout when she got inside to see Vaughan spill out of a side room, all smiles.
Paddy f
ollowed him. “Hey, there you are.”
Her stomach fell at the sight when he stumbled, nearly losing his balance. He grabbed his brother, and they both laughed.
She stood, rooted to the spot.
Paddy made his way over, talking overloud. Clearly drunk. Messy drunk.
“You’re here.”
And she wished she wasn’t. All the powerlessness she’d been dealing with at the reappearance of her father came roaring forward. It didn’t matter that Paddy wasn’t Bob. It made her nervous all the same. Made her feel out of control and cast adrift.
This wasn’t normal, she knew. Understood, even as the rest of her didn’t care. So she tried to hold it together.
“Yes.” She needed to control the panic and get over it. As she’d told Tuesday that day on their hike, she just needed to get over her own shit.
He grinned, and she was nearly charmed, he looked so sweet. “Want a glass of wine? They just moved to the reds. I’m sorry to say Vaughan and I have been drinking your share in your absence.”
“I can tell. Where’s Mary?” Natalie knew she was locking up, but it was the only way she knew of to get through it.
He took her arm, moving in closer, and the stench of him hit her hard enough to make her shrink away. Bile rose, and she gagged. Her control fraying, she tried to pull free but he cocked his head.
“Nat? What’s wrong?” He’d gotten close, holding her tighter.
Everything suddenly felt as though it were happening outside her body, as if she watched herself on a screen. Clearly, she wasn’t fit to be out of her house, and she needed to go.
“Let. Go.”
She tried to pull her arm free. Now that she’d accepted leaving, the need to do it right then banked in her belly.
“What’s going on?” Damien came strolling over, looking between them. He’d been drinking, too, but not nearly as much as Paddy and Vaughan had.
Her teeth clenched, she managed to speak. “Paddy needs to let go of me right now.”
Damien’s posture changed as he seemed to catch the edge of panic in Natalie’s tone.
He put an arm around Paddy. “Dude, you’re going to wrinkle her clothes. Let go.”
Paddy let go, and her heart slowed a little.
Then he slung an arm around her shoulders, hugging her to his body.
That was it. It was officially too much, and she ducked, pulling away. She turned to Damien. “Please tell Mary I was here to support her. I need to go.”
Paddy grabbed her again, taking her wrists. “Hey, wait. What? Are you okay?” He’d sobered a little as he realized there was a real problem.
Natalie knew she was being unreasonable, but she panicked and the words spilled from her lips. “This is over. Don’t call me or come to my house.” She simply wasn’t ready or able or whatever to be with someone like him. Maybe she wasn’t ready to be with anyone at all.
She tried to extricate herself, but he held on. Not to harm or coerce, she knew that on one level. He was confused and trying to figure it out. But he couldn’t because he was drunk and not in full control, and it felt way too familiar.
So familiar it made her skin clammy and her head hurt.
“Let go of me.” She made every effort to keep her voice down and calm.
“Paddy, let go. Go back inside. I’m going to walk Natalie to her car.” Damien put himself between them but Paddy was...well, Paddy.
“Why are you leaving? Are you breaking up with me? What did I do?”
Mary came out, hurrying over.
They were a minute, maybe three, away from a full-on scene, and that was more than she could take.
“Please let me leave before this turns into a scene.” She turned on her heel and left, shoving her way out the door as Paddy bellowed after her.
Mary caught up with her at her car.
“Natalie! What happened?”
“I can’t. Not like this. I don’t want this in my life. I wish nothing but the best for you, and I hope we can still be friends, but I can’t do this. I can’t.”
“Can’t what? What happened?” Mary started to reach for her but must have sensed her body language screaming not to, so she let her hands fall by her sides. “You’re freaking me out.”
Paddy came out, calling her name, and she got in her car. “I have to go.”
She drove away, not stopping until she got home.
* * *
“WHAT THE FUCK is going on?” Tuesday demanded as she burst into Natalie’s bedroom an hour later. “Paddy has called like fourteen times. There are notes on the door.” She tossed them on the bed. “Do I need to help you kill someone and hide the body?”
Natalie sat up with a sigh. Thank goodness for her friend.
She told Tuesday everything, and Tuesday hugged her tight at the end of it all.
“Wow.”
“Yeah. You told me to tell him, and I said I was the one who needed to get over it, instead.”
“I love you so much, I won’t even say I told you so. But now that this has happened, what are you going to do?”
“I did it. I can’t be with him, Tuesday. I can’t. The way I felt today? I haven’t felt like that for years. Years. I never want that in my life again. I worked my ass off to get my shit together so I never had to live that way, and in one afternoon, it all came back.”
Tuesday nodded. “But he made a mistake. He didn’t know. About Bob, I mean. And to be totally fair, it was Bob who set you off, not Paddy. I just think you’re being stupid. And scared.”
“I can’t have this shit in my life. He’s stumbling and fucked up and I’m remembering all the times I led a stumbling Bob or one of his guests somewhere. I just...I don’t want to live worried if that’ll happen again. And it will. Dude, his life is full of that stuff. If that means I’m broken and fucked up, so be it. I am scared, Tuesday.”
Her friend blew out a breath. “I get that. So much I get it. But—and you knew that was coming—you’re in love with him. You like him and his family, and you’re good when you’re with him. Tell him you’re scared. Help him understand. Don’t let Bob ruin your happiness. Not like this.”
Natalie pinched her bottom lip as she thought about it.
“All I’m saying is, what you have with him is good. It’s hard and rife with bumps here and there. Neither of you knows how to be with someone else. It’s going to be work, but all the best stuff is worth the effort.”
Could she do it? “I need to think about it.”
“You’re off tomorrow. Pack a bag. Let’s go to Portland. We’ll have a fancy dinner somewhere. See if Delia can join us. Maybe see a show. You can enjoy yourself while you think, and deal with him on Monday.”
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
IT HAD BEEN two days and dozens of calls, and he still didn’t know what the fuck happened between him and Natalie at the winery.
He’d gone out early with his dad to look at some new equipment, and they’d ended up at a diner for an early lunch afterward.
“So, you want to talk about it?”
He should have known news about the breakup would have reached his parents by that point.
“Everything was fine. I’d spoken to her a few hours earlier. She got caught late at work for a grant thing. I was going to cancel and meet her at my house, but she said to go on and she’d meet me there when she finished. She wasn’t mad when we had that call.”
He sipped his iced tea and winked at the server who’d been flirting up a storm with him.
“Did you do that in front of her?” His dad indicated the server as she swayed away.
“All I did was wink at her. And no, I’m not rude. I never even notice other women when she’s around. Anyway, there weren’t any other women around then.”
“Damien says you and Vaughan were drunker than skunks.”
“It was a winery tour. We’d been to two other wineries before that one. I didn’t throw up on her or anything.” Also Damien was a dick for tattling.
“But you we
re drunk.”
“Yes. I didn’t drive! Mary drove, and she wasn’t drinking at all. I was going to drive home with Nat because she wouldn’t have had much if any to drink.”
“Do you know why that is?”
“I asked her once, you know, if she was in recovery or something. She said no. She’s...” Got a thing about control. She’d told him, and he’d listened, but it hadn’t really occurred to him until that moment that being around him when he was like that would have pushed her buttons. She’d told him she had them.
Question was, could he deal with that? Did he want to push to make things right or let it go and be glad he got out before things truly went bad?
“Just figured something out?”
He groaned at his father. “Did you know already?”
“Nope. I’m a mere male mortal, too, you know. Your mother can get in a right-old snit from time to time, and I have no idea what I did. Usually because I needed to think about it some, and I figure it out a while later. Sometimes because she’s weird and she just gets pissed off about stuff for no apparent reason, but if you ever say that, I’ll deny it. The thing is, women are complicated creatures. But really, if you pay attention, you can figure them out. Mostly. And when you can’t, throwing yourself on their mercy and presents usually help.”
“She could have at least told me what was wrong.”
His father thanked the server when she dropped off their burgers and fries before turning back to their conversation.
“You can pout about it if you think that’ll do the trick. Or you can give it another try and open with, I’m sorry I was out of control the other day, can we please talk about it?”
“How was it between you and Mom? At the beginning, I mean.” He knew the basic story, that his parents, both from small towns in Tennessee, had met and married within six months and then ended up loading up two of their kids in a truck filled with their belongings and moved west to Hood River.
“I love women. And before I met your mom, I loved a lot of them.” He grinned. “I was not interested in settling down. Not a single bit. Oh, sure, lots of women tried. I think I was a project. But I liked being free. I liked my wild life working the land, bedding whoever I liked whenever I liked, and I had no plans to change. And then one day, I was in town at the record store. Back when they had such things.” His dad snorted. “And she came in. She was laughing with someone. Your aunt Cathy. Anyway, she was just beautiful. And so I sidled on over and introduced myself because I wanted some of that in the worst way. She said no when I asked her out. I was twenty-four years old and I’d never been turned down before. Never.”