by Red Green
*Available in hardtop only.
HAWAIIAN PIZZA
Sam Panopoulos
Credit 33
According to what I’ve been told, Hawaiian pizza was invented in 1962 by Sam Panopoulos of Chatham, Ontario. At the time, he was co-owner of a place called the Satellite Restaurant.
So what I’m saying is, a man of Greek descent added a fruit from Hawaii to a dish from Italy, and he did it in the country of Canada in a restaurant from outer space. His creation has had mixed reviews ever since. In Australia, Hawaiian pizza is the most popular kind. In Iceland, they say it should be against the law. Most people fall somewhere in between. But however you feel about it, it was something new and it belongs to us.
There are a lot of great things about pizza. It’s fast, it’s easy, it’s delivered. If you have a phone, you can make a pizza. And you have almost unlimited choices as to what you want on it. You can have all the food groups lying there if that makes you happy. But remember, salt is not a food group.
You can even have half of your pizza topped one way and the other half topped another, which has saved more than one marriage. And as all college kids know, pizza leaves no dishes or cutlery to be washed up.
All that choice can create serious problems for customers. If you’ve ever had four people try to agree on what kind of pizza to order, you know what I mean. Let’s start with the toppings. You have about fifty to choose from, but the weekly special is always an extra large with three toppings for $9.95. You and your friends will starve to death waiting for everyone to agree on those three toppings. That’s because they’re not normal, go-along-to-get-along toppings. They all have attitude—anchovies and hot peppers and spicy sausage and onions and bacon. All strong flavours and, other than the cheese, there’s nothing that everybody likes.
Moose Thompson always started the process by ordering a plain cheese pizza so he’d have something to munch on while deciding what the real pizza order is going to be. Helped make him the man he is today.
But then, even if everybody compromises and agrees on three toppings that they sort of like, now you gotta pick the crust—thin crust, thick crust, deep dish, cheese-stuffed. And what about whole wheat or gluten-free or dairy-free or no sauce or overdone or underdone? It’s easier to buy a birthday gift for Sybil than it is to order a one-size-fits-all pizza.
It’s a brilliant marketing plan. You don’t order a pizza, you order two or three or four. Instead of having a pizza that nobody really likes, you end up with four boxes of leftovers that nobody can agree on.
That’s just the way it is when you try to make everybody happy. I blame democracy.
ICE HOCKEY
Credit 34
The game of ice hockey was more or less the winter version of field hockey, which had been played in Europe for centuries before Canada was even thought of. But in Canada, fields are only usable for about three weeks a year. So instead, different versions of ice hockey popped up from coast to coast as the field hockey game was changed to fit the colder climate.
That all led to the first official indoor game of ice hockey, held in Montreal on March 3, 1875. The game featured nine players a side and used a wooden puck. The word puck comes from the old Gaelic word puc, which meant to poke or punch. Eventually the players’ fists were used for that purpose, and the game we know was born.
If you look around the world, you’ll notice that different countries have different national sports, and most of the time those sports are suited to the geography and climate of the country and to the temperament of its citizens. Spain has bullfighting, Italy has soccer, Russia has chess. And of course, Canada has hockey. America also has hockey, but it’s mostly Canadians playing it.
Hockey is perfectly suited for Canada.
• You play it in the winter, which in Canada is most of the time.
• You only need six guys on each team. If it needed more than that, there wouldn’t be any Canadians left to watch.
• You get to use a stick. Canadians don’t carry guns.
• Pucks are cheap. So are many Canadians.
• You get to wear a lot of clothes. Really long wool socks and big loose sweaters. Canadians like to be warm and casual.
• Hockey is passive-aggressive. You can pretend to be going for the puck as you knock a guy into the penalty box. A lot of Canadians are passive-aggressive. Some are aggressive-aggressive. Others are passive-passive.
• You get to embarrass people. When you get a penalty in football, you disappear to the bench for a while. When you get a penalty in hockey, you have to sit in the penalty box on full display for two minutes or more. Oh, the shame. Canadians love that.
• The trophy is huge. The Stanley Cup is one of the largest trophies in any sport, towering over legendary greats like Gump Worsley.
• Hockey gave us Hockey Night in Canada, the most popular television show in the history of Canada. Euchre Night in Canada would have been a disaster.
Norb “No Nonsense” Cochrane, Rink Rat and Local Gamer Credit 35
Norb Cochrane was looking to create a spinoff sport with the same tremendous popularity of hockey.
He had played hockey as a young man, building a reputation as an enforcer. He would often get into a fight with the other team’s star player. Usually during the first period, but sometimes he would go into the dressing room before the game and slap the guy upside the head with a wet towel. On occasion he would cold-cock players at random as they were coming off the team bus.
He wasn’t much of a hockey player, but he excelled at broomball, thanks largely to his family’s extensive janitorial background. Here again, his aggressive nature got in the way. He started a fight during the final playoff broomball game. It was a best-of-seven series and Norb’s team was already up three games to none and looking to sweep. Before the opening whistle, somebody on the other team made a derogatory remark about the small size of Norb’s broom, and he went off the handle. He punched out every player, both coaches, and a hot dog vendor before he was finally whisked out of the building. Faced with the overwhelming challenge of creating a new game and making himself look smart, Norb focused all of his attention, other than during bar hours, on finding a form of hockey that would be new and exciting and would make him rich and better-looking.
Norb thought that if he was famous, he could punch people and they would thank him. Five years later, he came up with the concept that would make him what he is today—unemployed. Instead of ice hockey, Norb created snow hockey. A game very similar to ice hockey but a bit slower and easier.
The game, as you may have already guessed, was played on snow, and instead of hockey sticks, the players used snow shovels—called “snovels” for short and also because Norb couldn’t spell “snow shovel.”
The forwards and defencemen had regular coal shovel–style snovels, but the goalie had the wider plow-style snovel. In keeping with the theme, the puck was a snowball, called the “snowball.” The rest of the game was very similar to hockey.
Norb’s lawyer warned him that he could not call the game “hockey” without creating a lot of problems. Norb considered punching out every player and manager and team owner in the NHL, but when he thought about what that would require in terms of effort and expense and lonely nights on the road, he reconsidered.
It made sense to Norb that because ice hockey is called “hockey,” snow hockey should be called “snockey.” Similarly, “He shoots, he scores!” became “He snoots, we snore!” The goal was to get a goal. To get the snowball past the goalie into the net using a normal-speed “wrist snot” or the dreaded, lightning-fast “slap snot.” Because the game was played on snow, there were no lines and therefore no offside.
Scoring was usually high, often hitting three digits for the winning team. One of the many problems with the game was that fans could easily make a snowball and throw it at the goalie. Or the ref. Or the visiting team. Or each other. Luckily, there were no fans, so Norb dodged a bullet on that one.
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bsp; A more important issue was the snowball’s habit of increasing in size as it rolled during the game. One playoff game was tied at 112 and had to be called after thirty-seven overtime periods because the snowball had grown larger than either of the nets. When the concept was on its last snowy legs, Norb got an offer from the owners of the Possum Lake Threshers, a farm team for Massey Ferguson, to have demonstration snockey games on Possum Lake before each Thresher game.
It would be good publicity for the new game and a cheap way for the Threshers to get the ice cleared off. Norb thanked them for their offer and then punched each one in the face, permanently ending negotiations.
To see Bill play hockey, go to the Book of Inventions page at redgreen.com and click on “Hockey”
IMAX
William Shaw
Credit 36
William Shaw, born in 1939 and a longtime resident of Streetsville, Ontario, became the inventor of the IMAX film format in 1968, along with the other members of the IMAX Corporation. They had been hired to run a multiscreen movie at Expo 67 by trying to use a bunch of projectors to supply different parts of the picture. It was tough to do and never really worked all that well, so the group decided to try to develop one projector and film type that could fill a large screen all on its own. William was hired as the technical guy and was the main force behind the whole shebang. Like the projector itself, Bill was bright and focused.
After his death in 2002, one of his IMAX partners, Graeme Ferguson, said, “If it hadn’t been for Bill, there would be no IMAX.”
I’m not sure exactly when this happened, but at some point in history, bigger became better. It didn’t use to be that way. The Alamo or the pyramids or the Mona Lisa or even the Statue of Liberty are pretty small when compared to Trump Tower or the Dallas Cowboys’ stadium. The Old Masters were going for perfection, which, although impossible, is less impossible on a small project.
And everything was smaller back then—houses, budgets, people. Being small was a sign of humility, which at that time was seen as a good thing. And this is just my opinion, but I think that age of artistic modesty began during the Renaissance and ended when Jerry Lee Lewis released “Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin’ On.” I don’t remember the year, but I was in Grade 8 for the first time, so it had to be the ’50s. That was the end of the shrinking violet. It was the end of the shrinking everything—egos, fortunes, hairstyles and hamburgers. And people.
Since then, the size of the average guy in North America has gone up 30 per cent in height and weight. Well, okay, 2 per cent in height and 28 per cent in weight. And since most of us are getting bigger, we’d rather think that bigger is better. IMAX fit right in with that line of reasoning. And it’s probably going to keep goin’ that way. Maybe one day they’ll be able to project the image of a sunny day in the sky above St. John’s.
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IMAX is a theatrical experience that really suits the Canadian culture and lifestyle. We’re used to wide-open spaces, we like everybody to be able to see what’s going on and we have a history of always looking at the big picture. The self-effacing, modest nature of Canadians makes us hesitant to sit in the front row, and with IMAX, you don’t have to. IMAX has even affected Hollywood. Many big-budget movies are released in IMAX and sometimes IMAX 3D. IMAX is also the reason most modern movie actors trim their nose hairs.
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The owners of our local movie house, Robert Johnson and his partner, John Robertson (he’s the one with the bigger thing between his legs), were fascinated by the IMAX concept and were interested in bringing the technology to their theatre. Unfortunately, they were missing all of the key elements required to install the equipment.
They found it difficult to get financing from anyone who knew them or asked to look at their books. And with only a sixty-amp service, the theatre did not have enough power to run an IMAX projector and make popcorn. It also didn’t help that their cinema was in the basement of the Presbyterian church.
They thought about declaring bankruptcy, but they had done that so many times before. They wanted to try something new. So instead, they took the IMAX approach but applied it to other senses.
The Possum Lake Drive-In Theatre had recently gone under, and Johnson and Robertson were able to pick up all of the drive-in speakers by simply hooking them onto their car windows and driving away. They attached all 239 speakers to the inside walls of the theatre and then connected them to the projector amplifier. They removed the curtains and carpeting and any other soft, sound-absorbing material from the cinema. They then turned the amplifier up full, and Earmax was born.
John Robertson and Robert Johnson, Owners of Possum Lake Cinema and Chair Storage Credit 37
The first movie presented in Earmax was Gone with the Wind, which, according to ticket sales, turned out to be prophetic. There were a few problems. The sound level inside the theatre was incredibly loud. It hovered around 150 decibels, which made it impossible to hold a soft drink.
Instead of going to the movie, people would just go into the church upstairs with a lunchbox. Sitting in the pews, they could hear the movie well enough to pick up the storyline. It was the first time anyone had ever skipped a movie to go to church.
Another drawback for Robert and John was that they couldn’t afford first-run movies, so everyone had already seen whatever they were showing. People were calling in with numerous noise complaints, but the boys were unaware because when the movie was playing, they couldn’t hear the phone ring.
After two weeks of disappointing results, they shut down Earmax. That was the beginning of the end for Robert and John. For a while, they toyed with the concept of Nosemax, but the cost of scented aerosol spray cans was a big hurdle. Locals say they did manage to pull off a one-night showing of Animal Farm, and they still haven’t been able to get the smell out.
They eventually closed the theatre and went back to doing what they were best at, which was nothing.
To see my attempt at making a portable big screen, go to the Book of Inventions page at redgreen.com and click on “Screen.”
INSTANT FOOD
Edward Asselbergs
Edward Asselbergs invented a way to preserve food by first boiling and then quick-freezing it. Just add water to the resulting dry powder, and you’re back in business. The process worked on many different kinds of food. He used the technique to create instant fish, cheese and meat. He also made instant mashed potatoes, and that process is still in use today.
At first, his instant fish, cheese and meat were not received well by the public (no kidding), but when he switched to instant mashed potatoes, things went a lot better. Attaboy, Eddie.
This is one of those examples of how a great scientist and brilliant inventor can be really, really stupid. Okay, his process of dehydration was real smart, nobody denies that. But why start with meat? Or fish? What are the chances somebody wants to make a hamburger by adding a cup of water to a hockey puck?
How do you expect people to react to dehydrated pickerel? “It tastes like a fish out of water to me.”
Or dehydrated cheese? Really, Mr. Asselbergs? You should have just started with mashed potatoes. They’re mostly water anyway. When you add the water back in, you’re replacing the biggest part. Of course it works. And the consistency is okay too. Adding water to dried potato crystals to make mashed potatoes feels almost natural. We add water to flour to make paste, so it’s not that much of a stretch, in either the look or the texture or the taste.
But I wonder if Mr. Asselbergs realized the powerful impact his instant mashed potatoes were going to have on society. Next thing you know, we have instant coffee, instant powdered milk, instant rice, instant credit, instant replay and the ultimate, instant gratification. It was a game changer. It marked the end of patience. If I can make mashed potatoes in forty-five seconds, why does it take two months to get a doctor’s appointment?
In a lot of ways, it defined our modern society. We all read about the Renaissance and the Industrial Age, and now we
will go down in history as the generation that didn’t have time to make mashed potatoes.
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Over the history of the English language, certain words have either had their meanings changed or diminished or obliterated all together. Instant is one of those words. So are awesome, warranty and fiancé.
By definition, instant means “immediate,” “simultaneous,” “at exactly the same moment.” It doesn’t mean “soon” or “in five minutes” or “quick enough.” When something is instantaneous, like a nuclear explosion, it happens pretty fast. There’s not a lot of lag time between detonation and kaboom. That’s what instant is supposed to be. If instant pudding were true to its name, you’d just snap your fingers and poof, there’s a chocolate blob in your favourite bowl.
So when they call this invention “instant food,” they don’t really mean it. What they’re saying is that this method of making something is so much faster than any of the alternatives that it’s close to being instantaneous, even though it doesn’t quite get there.