With that I throw the covers back and climb out of bed leaving that stupid fucking cup of tea on the bedside table. I make it halfway to my bathroom when I stop in my tracks and shrug. Fuck it. At this point I’ll try anything. I turn around and head back to the bed and the bedside table and that stupid fucking cup of tea. I pick it up and chug the whole thing slamming the mug back down on the nightstand. Nope. No, difference. I roll my shoulders back and head for the showers.
I flip the faucet to as hot as I can stand it, hoping it will work some of the kinks out of my body. I strip out of my pajamas and step in to no relief. I quickly shampoo my hair and wash my body. I’m not sure how long I stood there crying as my hot tears melted in with the shower spray. I press my back to the shower wall and slide down. I hug my knees to my chest as I give in to the sobs that wrack my body, for long after the water turned cold.
I swipe my shaking hands under my eyes one more time and stand up. I make quick work of turning the water off and drying my body and wrap the towel around my long dirty blonde hair like always. I walk into the closet I have shared with Sam every day that we have lived in this house and stop to smell his aftershave on his favorite USMC sweatshirt. I absently pull on panties and a cotton bra. Then light gray leggings and a white tank top with a gray cardigan over. It’s late spring but I’m cold. I’m so fucking cold. And it feels like I’ll never be warm again. I grab a pair of Sam’s wool socks and pull them on.
I walk back into the bathroom and hang up the towel that I just pulled off my head. I pull my hair into a messy ponytail and then brush my teeth before deciding it’s time to face the world.
I just make it to the bottom of the stairs when I hear Hannah telling someone to go. “I’ll tell her you called, but she’s not really up to it right now,” Hannah tells the person at the door.
“Okay, we’ll come back later,” I hear Angie say. “My aunt made these maple blondie squares.” I could let them walk away and pretend it was a missed opportunity. But that’s not what Sam would want me to do. Sam was so torn up these last few days over Cody and Angie and their breakup.
“Hannah, was that the door?” I ask. “Oh, hello Mable, Angie. Come on in,” I say as I lead them into the living room where we all take a seat. Hannah places the tin of sweets I have no stomach for on the coffee table. Mable probably doesn’t realize those were Sarah’s very favorite and the idea of eating them without her is making me physically ill.
“I’ll just go make some coffee,” Hannah says to everyone and no one.
“Thank you,” Aliza looks at her softly. Before looking directly at me. Her eyes staring into mine. It was unnerving.
“I’m sorry for your loss.” she tells me. I want to tell her that her words are bullshit, but I know she’s at as much of a loss here as the rest of us for what to say. I need to do what my Sam would have wanted me to do. So I’m as gracious as I can be.
“Thank you,” I say softly before rolling my shoulders back and addressing the big elephant in the room. “Sam was the great love of my life. It kills me that he and the kids are gone. It kills me. But I would do it all over again in a heartbeat because they were the very best parts of me. Do you understand?” I implore her.
“No,” Angie shakes her head, confused.
“Don’t throw away your happiness out of hurt and anger. Sam did so many stupid things,” I shake my head and scrunch my eyes closed. “God, he could make me crazy. But I loved him so much. And he loved me. Don’t lose that.”
“Okay,” she says, stunned.
“The funeral will be Wednesday at eleven o’clock,” I change the subject. If she can’t figure it out, well, that’s not my problem. I did my best. It’s up to Cody and Angie now. If you’re watching, Sam, they could probably use some help. Bless their hearts, those morons. “Anyway, I’m tired,” I say politely as I stand, letting them know that our visit is over.
“Well, we should be going,” Mable says as they show themselves out. I’m looking out the side window at the little yard where the girls chased each other around and around just the other day when Hannah comes back in the room.
“How are you doing?” she asks me. I have no words having been just jarred free of my memories so I just shrug my shoulder.
I’m not sure how long we stood there frozen when her words break free of the silence. “You should go rest,” she says softly. “Holt will be by after his shift to work on the arrangements,” she says as I slam my eyes shut. These are words I don’t want to hear. These are thoughts I don’t want to have. I can almost hear her hold her breath, she’s so afraid I’m going to fall apart. I might. Shit I might already have. I don’t know. So I just nod my head and move towards the stairs.
I walk down the upstairs hall and see all the family pictures, the private pictures, the candid shots of our life together that line the walls. Not the professional posed pictures down stairs. These are Sam and I on our first date, laughing with a group of people at a company barbeque, at the Marine Corps ball, Sarah on a two wheeler, Harper sitting on the potty with a cheesy grin on her face, both girls with their various years worth of birthday cakes. These are the real moments I will never get back again.
I stop at the big print of Sam and I each holding a child, Harper a newborn in my arms, Sarah a tot on her daddy’s hip. I’m smiling at the camera, but Sam, he’s smiling at me like he has the whole world at his fingertips. And for but a minute, we did.
I lie down in my big empty bed and try to close my eyes, but when I do, I see Sam and the girls. I hear Holt give me the death notice I never thought I would hear. So I lay there, in my bed on my side, with my eyes open to the point of burning, until I hear a firm but quiet knock on the front door.
CHAPTER 6
Holt
Today has been the longest day in the history of long days. I spent all day reviewing the accident reports that killed my best friend and his two children. I had the lab run the toxicology screen on the other driver twice. Then a third and fourth time. Nothing. Not one Goddamned thing in her blood. There is absolutely no reason why she ran her car into theirs. I even went and interviewed her. She said she was feeling weird that morning. Driving home from the gym, next thing she knows she’s waking up in an ambulance. I still have no answers to give Aliza. Speaking of Aliza, I’m supposed to be heading to her house to make Sam’s funeral arrangements.
I shouldn’t do it. I know I should say no. Being around her is too tempting. And what kind of friend would I be if I ever acted on the feelings I have for her. Let alone a day, just a few hours after her husband was killed. Probably the same friend who pined for his best friend’s girl for years. I’m such a shit.
I sigh and put my pen down. I close the folders on my desk and stack them for tomorrow. I have the remains expedited so they can go to the funeral home as soon as possible. It’s just one kindness I can provide for my best friend’s widow.
I stand up from my desk. And head out, locking the door behind me. The evening shift is on and not too much happens in this sleepy little town. I place the white hat that’s part of my uniform on my head as I step out the door. I’ve loved this job, loved wearing this uniform every day since I took office, until hours ago when I had to notify Liz. It’s been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life with the exception of escorting home the body of my twin brother.
I beep the locks on my black Tahoe and climb behind the wheel. I start the engine up and grab my radio to let dispatch know I’m out of the office but reachable if needed. As Sheriff, I’m never really off duty and that’s okay. It’s just the way I like it. I want my neighbors and my deputies to all know that I’m here for them when they need me.
The drive to Aliza and Sam’s house is short, but then again, no drive in this town is long. I park my car at the curb. The sun is glowing orange as it dips below the horizon as I make my way up the walk to her house. I take a deep breath and raise my fist. My knock is quiet, hesitant. Not my style at all, but with Aliza I’m treading dangerous waters. Sh
ark infested waters. With no life jacket. And a big bloody gash on my leg. And a bucket of chum in my arms. You get the idea. She scares me. Because I want her so badly and can never have her. I’ve made peace with that for years, but with Sam’s death something strange is pulling me in her direction and I can’t stop it. I have a pit in my stomach that this will be what finally takes me under. A final hurt I won’t be able to withstand.
“Hey, Holt,” Hannah says as she answers the door. “She’s upstairs resting, but I’ll go get her,” she says, but as I walk through the door, Liz is standing there, watching me with wary eyes.
“I’m right here,” she says softly. “Let’s get this over with,” she says to the room and I can’t help but wince.
Hannah shuts the front door behind me and then we all file into the living room. Liz curls up on one end of the couch and Hannah sits in the arm chair leaving me to sit next to Liz on the sofa. I grit my teeth and sit down at the other end. It’s a full eight foot sofa, but I’m a big guy at six foot five, so there really isn’t any room between us. I rest my wrists on my knees and clasp my hands together. I stare at them for who the hell knows how long. The silence all around us until, Liz finally speaks.
“I’m not sure where to start,” she says softly. I take a deep breath and shore up my courage. I raise my eyes to hers before I answer.
“They’re with the medical examiner right now, but I’ve made sure everything has been expedited so first thing tomorrow morning, we’ll move them to the funeral home,” I tell her in as kind and calm a voice as I can manage. It crushes my heart to hear her choke on a gasp. “My understanding is the local patriot guard chapter is providing an escort if you would like to be there, I can take you.”
“I’d like that,” she says softly.
“I talked to the pastor today and he said you’d like to go ahead for Wednesday,” I ask her. Liz just nods.
“He came by yesterday,” Hannah says softly.
“Ms. Maeve said she wanted to do the flowers,” Liz says. “I said that was okay. She’s always been so kind to me,” Liz seems a little lost and I can’t blame her.
“Last I had heard, Sam wanted a military burial, is that still true?” I ask her. She nods again.
“Yes,” she says. “He would like that.”
“I can make the arrangements for that with the honor guard. I’ll call the guys from the unit too,” I tell her. Looks like Wednesday, I’ll be switching up uniforms. Another I wore proudly and only traded for the one I wear today.
“I have Sam’s uniform. You’ll need that?” she asks.
“Yes, and an outfit for each of the girls,” the tears start rolling down her cheeks, but she nods.
“I can do that,” Hannah says as she reaches across the coffee table to squeeze Liz’s hand before letting go.
“Can I ask about the woman?” Liz says and I cringe. Shit. I was hoping to avoid this. “You know, the other driver?”
“Yes, you can,” I tell her.
“Why was she so drunk that early in the morning? Why did she do it?” she asks.
“That’s the thing. She wasn’t,” I say.
“What?” She gasps.
“She wasn’t drunk. Her tox screens are totally clean,” I tell her.
“No,” she shouts. “No. She doesn’t get to walk away.”
“She swears she was leaving the gym one minute and waking up in the ambulance the next,” I say softly. I can see Hannah brace out of the corner of my eye, but it’s too late. I had no time to prepare for Aliza to launch herself at me screaming.
“No! You’re lying!” she screams as she hits me repeatedly. It doesn’t hurt. She’s so little and I’m so big. What hurts is her devastation. “She doesn’t get to walk away!!!” I wrap my arms around her and pull her tight to me. I swing her little body in my lap and hold her tight.
“Shhh,” I tell her. “I know. I know,” I say over and over again into her hair. She continues to wail for what seems like hours until she heaves a deep breath and stills in my arms.
I look to Hannah and see tears streaming down her face, her hands clutched to her chest. Poor thing feels as helpless as I do. I slowly rise to my booted feet with Liz in my arms like a bride. If only. And carry her up the stairs to her room.
I cradle her in one arm while I pull the covers back and lay her little body down. But when I got to stand back up, her arms tighten around my neck and shoulder.
“Please, Holt,” she says. “Stay with me.” And just like always, I’m helpless to her. So, what do I do? I stay.
“Okay,” I say, my voice gruff with emotion. For my friend. For Liz. For me. God knows she’s going to kill me.
“Just….Hold me. Okay?” she asks, laying on her side.
I nod and strip off my tie, my boots and socks, and my uniform shirt. I place my duty belt up out of her reach in the closet just in case, and then climb into bed with the only woman I have ever loved. The only one I can’t have. And I hold her little body to mine, praying the whole time she doesn’t feel the way my body reacts to her, the way I have always reacted to her.
***
The next morning, I get up early. I need to wake Aliza too. We have to get a move on to be there for the escort to the funeral home. I toss my boots on and run to my truck, thankfully, I keep a full clean uniform in the back in case of emergencies. I grab my dress kit and head back inside. Hannah is sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. I feel her eyes judging me, but there’s nothing I can do. Even if I didn’t love her, I would do it because Sam was my best friend. I already promised Will to look after Katy, what’s one more sheep to my flock. Jesus, that sounds a little Big Love and I didn’t mean that at all.
I take the stairs two at a time and turn the shower on when I get to the bathroom. I hang my uniform in the closet, check my weapon out of habit, and head to wake up Liz.
“I’m awake.” She says as I approach.
I pull the covers back. She looks lifeless and it kills me. She needs help so I lift her up in my arms and carry her into the bathroom. I set her down on her feet and she just stands there, staring at me. I reach in and check the temperature. I strip off my undershirt and then carefully, undress Liz. I undo my pants and drop them and my shorts to the floor and carefully shove Liz into the shower. She never once protests as I gently wash her hair and then her beautiful body. I quickly wash my own dark hair and then my body before shutting off the water. The whole time I feel her eyes on me.
I reach for a towel and wrap it around her and then grab another and wrap it around my waist. If she looked at my cock I’d never know it. But mercifully, he behaved himself this morning. I lead her into the closet where I stored my gear and drop her hand. I drop my towel and pull on my boxer briefs. Then my uniform slacks but I don’t do them up. I pull my white undershirt over my head and then look through Liz’s clothes for something suitable for her to wear.
She has this black dress covered in flowers. The skirt is fuller but short enough to fall just above her knees. The sleeves aren’t long or short but a weird middle ground only women would find important. It has a long zipper up the back that gives my dick ideas he shouldn’t be having. I pull the dress forward. I start rifling through her drawers and find a pretty pink bra and a matching pair of panties.
One look at Liz’s dazed face and I know she needs some help this morning. I kneel before her and pull the towel from her body gently. I tap her shins to get her to step into the panties and stand as I pull them up her legs. Next her bra, which gives me a hard time. I spent my formative years learning to take them off, not put them on. If only my Marines could see me now. Hell, my deputies would have a field day. Next I pull the dress off the hanger and lower it over Liz’s beautiful head. She dutifully turns so that I can do up the zipper. It seems a shame to cover her beautiful body.
“Thanks,” she says softly. I just nod my head as she moves to step into a plain pair of flat black shoes. I quickly grab my clean uniform shirt and slide it over my broad
shoulders. I do up the buttons quickly and then tuck it into my slacks and belt. I slide on my socks and boots before grabbing my duty belt from where I stowed it out of Liz’s sight. I look her in the eyes and know with a tear in my heart that she did have those kind of thoughts. My God, my breath catches in my throat. A world without Aliza in it might just kill me too. I clear my throat before I try to speak.
“I’m a guy. I don’t do hair or makeup so if you want that shit, shake a leg.” Her eyes widen at my harsh tone, but the gravity of the situation has shaken me to the core. I’ve lost a lot of people in my life, I’ve survived even more, but the idea of losing Liz isn’t something I can bare.
Liz quickly hops into the bathroom and dabs some shit on her face. Not a lot, but light enough to make her look natural. She’s always had a classy look to her and she carries it off well. I would hate to see her cover all those freckles on her nose with a bunch of gunk. She twists her long blonde hair up into a knot on top of her head and secures it with pins.
“I’m ready,” she tells me softly. I nod and lead her out the door. At the bottom of the stairs, Hannah is waiting for us, dressed in a gray sweater dress and dark purple leggings. Without words we all walk out the front door of Liz and Sam’s house and pile into my department SUV. I hold the doors open for both women just as my momma taught me and then I drive them to watch the bodies of my best friend and his two children be escorted from the morgue to the funeral home.
I pull into my spot around the back of the plain government building where we house my office, the morgue and other agencies. It’s a small town, so we share a building. I shut the engine off and stepped down. I quickly walk around the SUV and open the doors for both Hannah and Liz and offer them each a hand to step down.
Whiskey Lullabye (Southern Heartbeats, Vol. 2) Page 3