Michelle frowned harshly. “Don’t. Just don’t.”
Esa nodded, closing the door behind him.
Michelle closed her eyes. She wanted to cry. She was tired and she felt used, but it was more than that: it was the frustration of missing Esa, too. But she refused to go back to that place, not when she’d made so much headway, or so she thought. He had no right to say that to me, she thought to herself angrily. Just because his head isn’t screwed on straight right now doesn’t mean he gets a free pass to mess with mine. If she needed to, she’d make sure he knew that in no uncertain terms, even if it meant driving the point home repeatedly. Forgiveness was one thing; losing your footing was quite another.
49
You’re a moron, you’re a fuckup, now just keep your head down and do your job.
Esa had heard this from Lou before and after the press conference, and he heard it from Ty Gallagher and Coach Dante this morning when he made sure to get to practice early. The famously emotional Dante looked ready to haul off and punch him in the face, which was ironic considering the reason why they were calling him a “fuckup.” Esa almost wished Dante had taken a shot at him; a physical blow would be much easier to stomach than his coach’s disgusted, disappointed expression. He couldn’t decide whose gaze was worse: Michael Dante’s or Michelle’s.
He turned his face up to the hot spray of his postpractice shower, slicking back his hair. Usually, it was one of his favorite feelings in the world, the heat raining down on him. But right now nothing felt good.
What the hell had he been thinking, telling Michelle he missed her? It had surprised him as much as it surprised her, the power of the vulnerability welling up inside him before he could stop the words from reaching his tongue. He wished he could take it back.
He showered faster than usual: Rory and he were going out for breakfast; the same Rory who was going to make him pay the rest of his life for bailing him out.
He went to his locker and dressed. None of his teammates said anything. He’d apologized to all of them at the beginning of practice. He knew that’s where it would end. “You owe me two thousand dollars, you arsehole,” were the first words out of Rory’s mouth as they walked out of the locker room.
“You know I’m good for it,” Esa muttered.
“What kind of a twit walks around with nothing but five hundred dollars in cash, house keys, and a Finnish driver’s license?”
“You done yet?” Esa shot Rory a weary, sideways look. If this was what breakfast was going to be like, he wasn’t sure he was in. Then again, he deserved every dart Rory hurled at him. Still. “Let me know when you’re done.”
“What’d Dante say to you?”
“What the hell do you think he said?”
Rory shook his head regretfully. “I knew I should have dragged you out of that bar. Thing was, I was in no mood to put up with you. You were being such an arse.”
“You’re right. I’m an ass. Are we done?”
“For now.”
Esa felt his phone vibrate in the front pocket of his jeans, and pulled it out with a large frown, assuming it would be some member of the media who’d gotten hold of his phone number.
It was Michelle.
“Hi.”
“Hi,” she said in an eerily calm voice.
Esa tensed. “What’s going on? Is Nell okay?”
“She’s fine. She’s at school, which is good, because we’ve got some major weirdness here.”
Esa felt sick. “Did someone break in? Is someone holding a gun to your head?”
“Your parents are here.”
“What?”
“I know. Please come home if you can. I feel really uncomfortable.”
“I’m on my way. Just sit tight. Min rakustan sunua.” He turned to Rory as he shoved the phone back in his pocket. “I can’t have breakfast. My parents are here.”
Rory looked alarmed. “Esa—”
“I know. I’ll call you later, bro.”
No way. No fucking way. Esa started running down the hall.
* * *
Waiting for Esa, Michelle had developed a chant in her head: Please get home soon, please get home soon, please get home soon. The difference between this and most chants was this one didn’t result in relaxation. It was born in anxiety, and the anxiety remained as Esa’s parents sat side by side on the couch, watching her as inscrutably as two silent, Siamese cats. Finnish cats, actually. Which made them far colder than Siamese cats.
When Henry had buzzed to say Esa’s parents were in the lobby, Michelle was stunned. Esa hadn’t said anything to her about them visiting. But what was she supposed to do? It wasn’t like she could turn them away. What a fuckup he was, she thought.
Michelle greeted them with a pleasant hello when she opened the front door, immediately struck by Esa’s strong resemblance to his dad. “You must be the nanny,” Esa’s mother said to her, looking and sounding unenthusiastic. Esa hadn’t exaggerated their coldness. Or was it smugness? Michelle thought, as his mother handed Michelle her coat to be hung up. I’m the nanny, not the maid. His dad seemed aware that there was a difference: he at least hung up his own jacket.
Esa’s mother looked surprised as her gaze traveled a slow circuit around the comfy living room, finally coming to rest on Michelle with a mildly appraising smile. “Is Esa here?”
“No, he’s at practice. Can I get you some tea?”
“That would be nice.”
Michelle went to prepare the tea. Esa’s parents were speaking in rapid-fire Finnish in the living room. Then their voices began to diminish. Alarmed, Michelle popped her head around the kitchen door. Esa’s parents were walking down the hallway toward the bedrooms.
Michelle shot out of the kitchen and was behind them in seconds. “Excuse me: can I help you with something?”
“We want to see Nell’s room,” said Esa’s dad.
“Then you should have asked me, and I would gladly have shown it to you. But you can’t just—”
Ignoring her, Esa’s mother pulled open the nearest door, revealing her son’s room. He was as fastidious as he’d been since Michelle had known him. Even so, they had no right to intrude, even if it was for only a few seconds.
Michelle reached around her, closing the door and pointing down the hall. “That’s Nell’s room on the left. If you follow me, I’ll show it to you.”
Michelle did a slow burn as she swept past them. They murmured in Finnish, walking behind her. She had no idea what they were saying, but it sounded disdainful.
She opened the door to Nell’s room. It was neat as a pin, bright and sunny. There were plants in the windows, book shelves brimming with books, and a crowd of stuffed animals carefully arranged on her bed. She had a toy box where she kept her Barbies, and a small desk Michelle had painted pink for her. A ballerina music box was the centerpiece of her dresser, bottles of nail polish perfectly lined up off to the side. Nell had stuck a picture of herself and her mother in the left hand corner of the mirror. The picture had only appeared recently.
Michelle smiled proudly. “It’s lovely, isn’t it?”
“It is,” Esa’s mother reluctantly agreed. “Though she does seem to have a lot of things.”
“Mostly books,” Michelle pointed out. Don’t you dare imply she’s spoiled, not when her uncle and I have worked so hard to make sure she isn’t. “Shall we have that tea?”
Michelle escorted them back out into the living room, politely bade them to sit, and returned to the kitchen. She called Esa from the depths of the pantry while waiting for the whistle of the kettle to blow. She knew that as soon as she told him his parents were here, he’d stop whatever he was doing and head home. He wasn’t an idiot.
50
“I wish I could say this is a pleasant surprise, but it isn’t.”
Esa’s body clenched in anger at the sight of his parents on his couch. There they sat, side by side like two stone castings, while poor Michelle sat in a chair opposite, trying to look relaxed as she clasped a st
eaming mug of tea between both hands. Esa knew Michelle: she’d no doubt been trying to engage his parents, get them to relax, maybe even go so far as to try to get his mother to smile a few times. She might even have made headway with his dad. But his mother? Doubtful. She’d be too busy sitting there, trying to discern if Michelle “measured up,” as if she herself were Finnish royalty.
“You look tired,” Esa said to Michelle. He squeezed her shoulder to let her know everything was going to be fine before sitting down in the chair next to hers.
His mother waved her index finger vaguely. “Very nice,” she said, indicating the living room. “Not what I expected. I see Danika’s hand in this?”
“Yes. She was very helpful. But you’re not here to talk about my flat.” He bent over, untying his shoes. “So what happened first?” he asked, looking up at them. “Did you see the video of the fight at the bar, or did you read about it? I’m very impressed with the speed in which you got here; you must have caught the first plane out of Helsinki.” He placed his shoes to the right of his chair in a neat pair. “This is ridiculous.”
“I don’t think so,” his mother returned coldly. She regarded Michelle with a polite but frozen smile. “This is a private family matter. Would you mind—”
“I would mind,” said Esa. “Either say what you have to say in front of Michelle, or don’t say it at all.” Esa slid Michelle a sideways look, worried she might be upset with him for putting her on the spot. But she looked fine. In fact, she looked pleased.
Esa regarded his parents expectantly. “Well?”
“Nell shouldn’t be here,” his mother declared, “and this bar episode proves it. You’re not fit to be her guardian.”
“Apparently, my sister didn’t agree.”
“The only reason I can think of for Danika selecting you as her child’s guardian was to stab us in the heart.”
Esa chuckled. “How could I forget? Her death was all about you.”
Jibes bounced off his mother like rubber bullets on armor. “You seem to have a very short memory, Esa, acting as if you yourself understood why Danika chose you to raise Nell. We were there, too, when her will was read. We saw that horrified, trapped look on your face.
“Perhaps you’ve been ‘behaving’ for a while,” his mother continued in an imperious manner, “but this fight is a sign that you’re still extremely immature. Immature people, especially those who get drunk, should not be guardians of children.”
“And yet there you were in London, complimenting me for doing such an impressive job with Nell.”
“Perhaps you were. But that was then. Now, the real you is starting to reemerge.” She heaved a long, tortured sigh. “We knew this would happen.”
Esa turned to Michelle. “Can you believe this shit?” he asked her plaintively.
“Not really, no.” Michelle looked extremely upset as she addressed Esa’s parents. “I know you think I don’t have a right to an opinion, but I do. What I’m getting from this conversation so far is that you’ve been waiting for Esa to screw up, so you’d have an excuse to just sweep in here and take Nell away.”
“Save Nell,” Esa’s mother corrected with a glare.
“Take Nell,” Michelle repeated, glaring back.
“You barely saw Nell when Danika was alive!” Esa snapped at his parents. “Know why? Because Danika wanted it that way! I bet you don’t even know that. Doesn’t that tell you something? Doesn’t it tell you something about why she picked me?”
“Yes: that your sister was unstable at the time she had her will drawn up.” His mother’s gaze was steely. “We told you when Leslie sent Nell to you that we’d be keeping a close eye on you.”
“Which amazes me,” Esa retorted, “considering the fact you don’t like children!”
“You wanted for nothing!” his father spluttered.
“Esa.” Michelle’s hand shot out and squeezed his wrist, hard. “Don’t shout,” she said under her breath. “Don’t lose it. It’s only going to make things worse.”
“Right.” Esa closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. Thank God Michelle was here. She gave his wrist another squeeze. Esa forced himself to look back at his parents, unable to hide his mystification. “I don’t understand. You show up here, no warning. What did you think would happen? That I would just hand Nell over to you? On the basis of one screwup? Did you think she’d just pack up and go with you? I’m surprised you didn’t try to kidnap her.”
His parents’ exchanged glances. “Oh, that’s good,” Esa smirked. “You were going to try to snatch her from school?”
“It wouldn’t have worked: the school has permission to release her to only me and Esa,” said Michelle protectively. “It doesn’t matter if you’re her grandparents or not. Even if you tried to claim you had permission from us to pick her up, the school would have been on the phone to both of us to double check.”
Esa leaned over and borrowed Michelle’s mug, taking a sip of tea. It was one of those soothing herbal blends she liked that he hated, but he was thirsty, and didn’t want to leave the room. He just wanted the conversation over and done with.
“We can sue you for custody,” his mother said calmly.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Esa thought, please fasten your seat belts as we are now leaving Reality Land and heading straight for Bizarro-ville.
Esa struggled to keep his voice level. “Okay, here’s a few reasons why that has no basis in reality at all. One: The time to have sued me would have been right after Danika died; you could have contested her will. Two: Even if you did sue me, then or now, the case would be tied up for years, and ultimately thrown out, because it’s groundless. You’d have wasted a lot of time, money, energy, and emotion on nothing. Three: I will spend every penny I have, which is considerably more money than the two of you have, or ever will have, fighting you. Four: If you do that, you will lose, and I swear to you that you will never, NEVER, see me or Nell again.”
“You’ve left a trail behind you of news stories and footage,” said his father. “Years of being a playboy, out night after night, wine, women, and God knows what else.”
“Yeah, and all of it dates back to before Nell came to live with me!” Christ, how long was he going to pay for his past? When it came to his parents the answer was: forever. Maybe if they’d shown the least bit of warmth he and Danika would have turned out differently. But they hadn’t.
He leaned forward in his chair. “I’m sorry,” he said simply. “I lost control. I don’t need you to tell me I was stupid. I know that. As I’ve made clear to everyone important to me, and to Nell”—he glanced at Michelle respectfully—“it won’t happen again.
“It was the wrong way to deal with my uncertainty about my future, and . . . other things. But I can’t undo it,” he said for what felt like the one hundredth time. “Now can we move on? I have enough shit to cope with without this insanity on top of everything else.”
He leaned back, believing the discussion to be over. When he shot a sideways glance of satisfaction at Michelle, the frozen expression on her face made him realize it wasn’t.
“Yes, let’s talk about that uncertain future that drove you to violence,” retorted his mother. “What if the Blades don’t re-sign you, and you have to move to another city? You’d uproot Nell again? She should have one home until she decides to go to university. Finland, where she’ll lead a happy, normal life.”
“A happy life for Nell is wherever Esa is.”
There was a stunned silence. Overwhelmed, Esa felt his heart beginning to pick up speed as he looked at Michelle in awe. But Michelle’s declaration made Esa’s mother look more affronted than he had seen in a long time. She had no idea of the depth of love Michelle felt for Nell, but she was about to find out.
“I agree with you: it was shocking when Nell came here to live with Esa,” said Michelle. “He knew nothing about children, and he really didn’t want to. He viewed her as one big crimp in his lifestyle. As for Nell, she was still trying to come to
terms with Danika’s death, and now here she was, being shipped off to an uncle she barely knew.”
“My point exactly,” said Esa’s mother smugly.
“I’m just getting started,” replied Michelle. “So if I were you, I’d wait until you hear the whole story before you start passing judgment.”
“So rude,” Esa’s mother said to his father under her breath.
“Blunt,” said Michelle. “That’s the word you want: blunt. Because in a situation like this, someone has to be.” She paused. “I’ve been here since the beginning, so I’ve seen the progress Esa has made with Nell. He’s gone from being a resentful, terrified bachelor to a loving, caring uncle. His life doesn’t make the gossip columns anymore, because making sure Nell is happy and healthy is his priority. Are you hearing me so far?
“Nell has had some emotional ups and downs, and Esa has been there for her. They’ve gone through many of them together. Have things been perfect? No, and certainly, Esa did make a big mistake this past weekend. But it was one mistake, and it in no way put Nell in danger. Tell me: were you perfect parents who made no mistakes? If Esa was still a womanizing jerk out on the town every night, then you might have a case for taking Nell. But you don’t.”
Michelle’s face was flushed with emotion as she took a sip of tea. “Let’s talk about Nell,” she resumed in an emotional voice. “She was a depressed, frightened, uncertain little girl when she came here. I know: I’ve lived here since the very beginning. That little girl is gone. She loves her school. She’s made friends. She likes living in this city.
“Most of all, she loves her uncle. He’s everything to her. Everything. And the feeling is mutual. Esa adores her, and seeing them together . . .” Tearful, Michelle broke off for a moment. “You’d break Nell’s heart if you tried to take her from Esa, and you’d break his heart if you tried to take Nell from him. Their bond goes way beyond having Danika in common. It’s loving and intense, and it’s growing all the time. So I’d ask you to think twice before you pursue something that is not only ridiculous, with no basis in reality, but something that would only result in your ending any relationship you had with your granddaughter and your son for the rest of your lives.”
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