by Criss Copp
“Put the knife down, NOW.” A man screamed in front of me. It was confusing to hear someone at such close range, so I baulked and looked up.
I remember seeing three police officers, but I wouldn’t be able to tell you what they looked like, because at that moment I felt an excruciating pain in my left shoulder and then immediately after that, another on my right pectoral.
The next thing I remember was a tussle on the floor of the kitchen, but I wasn’t quite up to their force since they’d tasered me twice. Then paramedics were discussing something about a section 5150, while I was being injected in the thigh and sedated, before being strapped to a stretcher and being muscled into the back of an ambulance.
And now I’m here at Gateways in the middle of June, when I should be outside enjoying the Californian sunshine with my girl. The same girl that abandoned me, with the obvious approval of her parents.
I wonder how much they influenced her decision; I remember she never could say no to them.
Instead, I’m in an acute mental health ward being stabilized and treated. I’m hostile to the staff and I’m aggressive whenever I can be, despite the repercussions. I’m also embarrassed, which of course makes me angry and perpetuates my dismal behavior.
***
“Silas?” Ben’s voice breaks through the mundane chatter inside my skull. I hate Logan. He’s fucked up my life completely now. I’m never listening to him again. But I’m surprised to hear Ben’s voice channeling its way into my head.
But then it didn’t come from inside… it came from outside.
I turn around in my seat, where I have been jealously looking out at the patients who are already allowed to go outside.
“What are you doing here?” I grumble.
“I’m here for you.”
“I don’t need you. I need to be left alone.”
“No, you need people who love you.”
“Nobody loves me. They all leave me. My parents left me, Jade left me; and now Shae’s left me” I spit.
“Jade and I never left you. We gave you space to be with… to grow.” he stumbles. He was going to tell me they gave me space to be with Shae. Well, look how that turned out.
“I suppose you’re here to give me the rundown on how I fucked up.” I seethe.
“When have I ever done that?”
“After each and every fight.”
“That’s different.”
“It’s not different. You should go Ben and leave me here to die.”
“I won’t do that Silas and neither will Jade. We’re making arrangements to get you into a private facility up in San Luis Obispo after you finish your acute admission here.”
“So you’re taking over my life now, is that it?” I begin aggressively.
“Yes, I’m taking over your care,” he throws angrily back at me; “because you’re family; and besides the fact that I love you, that’s what family does.”
It sombers my responses – I’m broken.
“I don’t deserve you,” I sheepishly say, lowering my face and beginning to fill with despair. “I don’t deserve either of you.”
“No, you don’t. You deserve better.” Ben laments.
“Better how?”
“Better as in a better start to life.” Ben reasons.
“Fuck life. I don’t want it anymore.” I argue, finding my bitterness again.
“I want you in it. I want you to be there for my son, I want you to be there when I get married and I want you to be there when I have a barbeque in my back yard and have a beer with me. I want you there when I have my next fight and I want you there when we fight the motherfucking zombies that take over the God damned planet. Because you, Jade and my kid are worth fighting for.” He says – looking me dead in the eyes and referring to a conversation we once had a lifetime ago it seems.
I burst into tears. I can’t hold it back. I love him too. I love him because he has never given up on me. I love him because he’s my brother – he’s my mentor and the man I aspire to become. I love that he doesn’t care who sees him hugging me because I need a hug. He just reaches in and pulls me to him, straight out of the chair and onto my knees, where we hug each other while kneeling on the cold hard floor.
“I don’t know how to do this.” I cry.
“You do it by putting one foot in front of the other.” He says softly, holding me tighter.
“I’m tired. How do I put one foot in front of the other when I’m too tired to do it.”
“You lean on me and we shuffle along till you regain your strength and can stand on your own two feet again.” He reasons.
“Fuck Ben, why do you fucking care so much?”
“Because you’re the best person I know. You just have some fucked up qualities about you. But at least they’re visible and out there; not hidden like some narcissistic assholes I’ve met.” he explains. “I deal better with being able to see the bad shit.”
“Ben,” I squirm, trying to get out of his hold because I’m remembering his house; how I fucked up his house and destroyed his property. “I fucking destroyed your house.” I lament, twisting like this is a wrestling match.
“That’s what insurance is for. Now stop being an asshole and relax.” he says, leaning back and holding me by the biceps away from him; staring me in the eyes and challenging me to reject him and his peace offering. “I trust it was a onetime thing – it’s not every day you get to have your heart broken.”
I just cry. I break down even further and cry, repeatedly saying that I’m sorry.
***
Jade wanders in after Ben leaves. Despite her obvious discomfit caused by her pregnancy, she pulls Ben’s chair across to mine so that we can both sit there and watch the people enjoying the sunshine outside. From the moment she walks in I feel peace and calm. She doesn’t talk at first, she doesn’t need to. She places her arm around my shoulders and pulls me into her chest, where she kisses my hair repeatedly and murmurs soft shushing sounds; while smoothing her hand along my brow, scratching the line of my hair. I love how she does this. She’s always done this. Her chest is like a pillow beneath my head and I can hear her heart beat solidly beneath me. The whole experience is grounding and relaxing.
We stay like this for a long time.
And then she begins to talk.
“I love you Silas.”
“I love you too, Jade.”
“You know, you’re not just my brother; you’re also my kid. I raised you, and I did the best I could with what I had.” She says softly, lovingly.
“I bet you regret it now.”
“No. I’d never regret you. How could I regret having an intense and complete love for someone who feels the same for me?” she asks.
“You love Ben; that’s intense.” I argue.
“I could never love Ben the same way I love you. You’re my flesh and blood. I look at you and I see what I made into a man reflected back at me. The sense of accomplishment is overwhelming.” she whispers.
“You love me more than Ben?”
“No, just differently; just as intense, but still different. And you both drive me nuts, in case you’re wondering.” she smirks at me.
“Jade; Shae doesn’t want me. She broke my heart.” I begin to tear up. It’s been four days. During the first stage of my detainment, they wouldn’t allow Ben and Jade in because I was too much of a risk, so they said.
“I know. But you know what? She’s silly. Because she’s thrown away the best thing that ever happened to her.”
“I’m a fuck up. A psycho. She can always do better than me.”
“No. You’re hard sometimes, but you’re genuine and easy to love. You give people everything you have to give, Silas. You’re a rough diamond amongst pearls. You look like a dirty stone amongst the sheen, but your value far exceeds the silky dull shine of a pearl.”
“Why do you say stuff like that?” I ask her, shifting my head so I can look at her.
“Because it’s true. You’ll find someone w
ho can buff you up right and see you for all you’re really worth. Someone who has the strength not only to be with you, but to stand beside you and defend the love you have together.”
“I just want Shae. She’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
“I know. But it will happen regardless. Things will move forward for you, you’ll see. It will happen when you least expect it. You’re too good of an opportunity to leave to waste.” She argues.
Whatever; I don’t want to think about these possibilities. I just want the life I had back. The month of June can’t finish fast enough. If time heals, then I need time now and in vast quantities.
“I’m sorry about smashing Ben’s house.” I cry.
“I’m sorry that happened too.” Jade sighs.
“I really fucked up this time.”
“We did, we all fucked up. We shouldn’t have moved so far away. We’re family – your support network. I can’t tell you how sorry I am for not being here Silas.”
“You have a life to live; I need to grow up. I need to look after myself.” I argue.
“Well, I think you can do that a suburb away; somewhere you can come around and have some time with your family at any given moment when you need to. I think we all work better together as a unit.” Jade counters. “And you’re already very mature; it’s just your alter-ego isn’t, and maybe your emotions are bit reliant on others.”
She’s referring to Logan and my need to gauge my emotional state by what others are going through.
She’s referring to my illness when it becomes acute.
“What do we do?” I find myself whining.
“We get you better and beg the cosmos for a smooth sailing life without stress. That way you’ll never get ill again.” She smiles.
“I like your optimism – but that’s all it is.”
“I love you Silas. I want you to be happy. Screw pessimism, I just can’t believe that we have to have so much drama knocking at our door constantly.”
“Me too.”
Chapter 3: Memories and dust
SILAS.
I’ve been here a week.
Its therapy,
Drugs
Visitations
Therapy
Loneliness, sleep and repeat.
The loneliness tonight is invaded by my memories. One memory in particular – the night I lost my virginity. My breathing is rapid as I recall the first time Shae and I had sex, and I find myself becoming aroused by the recalling. I’m scared to revisit this image, as it’s an intense and vivid memory. They say your first time is a time you never forget. Well they’re right, because there is absolutely no way I’d forget mine.
Jade was doing an evening shift at the hospital, and it was before I was properly diagnosed. It was before I went off at work and displayed my mental illness in all its glory to my workmates. It was also before I knew about Shae’s medical issues.
Shae and I had been dating some months by then, and she spent a great deal of time at my house. I had bought condoms in our first few months, because I had been anticipating that moment to occur earlier, due to my teenage boy intense feelings for her. But she was reticent to go there in the beginning.
I was surprised that she made the first move that night. We were sitting on the bed, my bed; and I was watching her play Final Fantasy on my Xbox360.
She placed her hand on my thigh and then she twisted on the bed to face me, dropping the controller on the bed and leaving her character standing in stasis.
I looked over at her and found her staring at my mouth, while she bit her bottom lip fiercely. Her breathing was a bit fractured too. She leant in to my face and placed her lips on mine and she kissed me softly and sweetly. We’d already kissed, we’d been doing nothing but kiss for months; I hadn’t even explored her body with my hands yet; just her back, her shoulders and the top of her ass.
And then she slid her hand up my thigh a little higher and my jeans became tight. I suddenly felt claustrophobic in them.
“Shae?”
She looked at me with an intensity that I hadn’t seen in her before.
“I really love you Silas. Do you want to, I mean, would you like to?” she tried to ask, but couldn’t formulate the words, so she looked back down to where her hand rested on my leg.
I leaned back in, grabbing and holding both her hands between us, and begun to kiss her. Slowly at first, sliding my tongue across her lips and encouraging her to open her mouth for me. She did, and I swept my tongue inside to taste her. There wasn’t anything frantic about the sensation. The buildup was strong but I desperately wanted to make this first time special for both of us.
I couldn’t afford to take her to a fancy hotel and I couldn’t promise her mind blowing sex, because I had no experience with anything but my hand. What I could give her was my heart. I could show her I loved and respected her. I could take this as slowly as I could manage and be as gentle as I could imagine she needed me to be.
I leaned over her and began to gently lower her to the bed. I propped myself alongside her, half perched across her body as I continued to softly and deeply kiss her. My mouth was moving gently, carefully and slowly across her mouth, exploring her complete surrender; and her willingness to join with me in that moment.
“Are you sure you want this.” I asked her softly, pulling away to look her in the eyes and gain permission.
“Yes.”
I had really no idea where to start. I wanted to touch her everywhere, but I also wanted it to feel good for her.
“Show me where to touch you.” I implored her softly as I began to unzip her jeans, having already unbuttoned them.
She took my hand and shakily pushed it inside the front of her jeans and under her underpants. Placing her hand over the top of mine, she pressed on my middle finger where the tip of it met a small nub of her flesh.
“Here.” She indicated in a shaky voice. However, she was still being more assertive than was usual for her.
And then she pushed my hand further in, down and around, till I found my fingers between her legs, at the lubricated entrance to herself.
I was breathing deeply, huffing out my breaths in a desperate effort to calm myself down.
I was touching her intimately and I knew I wanted nothing more in that moment than to make her cry out in pleasure because I had made it happen. My penis was straining inside my jeans, but I chose to ignore it for now because I wanted to love her; I wanted to please her.
She pushed my fingers into her soft flesh at her entrance, wetting them with her silky arousal. With both of our hands down there, it was quite a tight area to be working in. She then pulled my hand back to her little nub where we began this journey and began to apply pressure to my middle finger once again. I could feel the lubrication making the movements of my finger effortless; gliding across her point of pleasure.
“Okay.” I said, beginning to move independently of her tutoring and thus forcing her to remove her hand, which she then brought to my face and pulled me towards hers. I could smell her scent on her fingers cupping my face as we softly and delicately explored each other’s mouths once more. I was surprised to find that it made me feel aggressive and desperate for her. It meant I had to work harder on remaining in control of myself. It was intoxicating.
When I felt the need to gather more lubrication, I would move my hand around to her entrance and push into the slick folds there, before returning to that tiny nub of flesh which I noted was getting harder and slightly larger as I gently pressed and rolled my finger across and around it. I continued to kiss her mouth until she needed to breathe more effectively; and then I moved down her throat. I noticed by this time she was moving her hips softly and in a slow rhythm against my hand, moaning quietly and setting my blood on fire.
“Can I see your breasts?” I asked huskily against her neck.
She nodded and began to undo the buttons of her blouse. She then undid the clasp at the front of her bra and peeled the cups off of her slight but sweet
breasts; revealing her tight nipples peaked in arousal.
I nearly wept with intense joy right there, and I couldn’t help but lean down to kiss one of them. But kissing them wasn’t enough. My tongue wanted to taste them, so I placed my mouth over first one and then the other, lathing them and suckling them softly and gently. It had taken all my control not to lose myself in that moment and let my hormones dictate my movements.
She was moaning desperately now, and her hips were moving more insistently against my hand. I moved my hand around once again to replenish the lubrication and she began to drive her hips up to it as I pressed into the soft flesh once more. I felt barely inside the beginning of her entrance, but I wanted more, so I pushed my middle finger inside, finding resistance a slight way in, but I managed to penetrate all the way. Her movements and the constriction of the jeans and undies, forced the heal of my hand against her hard nub of flesh, and I knew that I wanted to keep my hand in this position, slowly moving my finger inside of her, whilst rubbing that part of her that seemed to make her melt into a puddle of pleasure with the heel of my hand. My mouth continued to suckle her nipples.
I felt like I was invincible at the time; that I was able to manipulate her body like I was; because she was undoing beneath my touch – my touch, and it felt incredible.
Shae cried out, not in an ear splitting fashion, more like in complete surprise. And then she began to close her legs and begged me to stop moving my hand against her.
“Did I hurt you?” I asked frantically; continuing to experience the heightened emotions of watching and feeling my girl come apart; yet now feeling a fear that I had done something wrong.
“No.” She breathed desperately. “It was amazing. I just need to stop for a bit.” she said, giggling and smiling back up at me.
I smiled back down at her and sighed in relief and removed my finger and hand from her. Then she began to lift my top off of me, so I helped her. I helped her also to remove her blouse from her shoulders, before moving toward her to hold her naked abdomen to mine. However, she stopped me and asked me to remove my jeans and boxers first.