by Linda Bridey
“Ok. That’ll be fine,” Will said and went back to work.
Chapter Eleven
Will eyed Rachel curiously as they sat eating dinner at her apartment. She’d been very quiet that evening. He’d arrived later than he normally would have, but he’d had some work he wanted to get done and didn’t want to leave it for the morning. He’d apologized for making her wait for dinner and she’d said she wasn’t angry, but he was beginning to wonder.
“I’m really sorry about being late,” he said.
Rachel said, “I know. It’s all right. I’m not mad.”
“Are you sure?” Will asked. “You haven’t said much.”
She sighed and put down her fork. “It’s not you, Will. Really, it’s not. I was just thinking about today.”
“Did something happen after you went back to work this afternoon?”
Rachel looked down at her plate and wondered what she should tell Will. She didn’t want to make him angry or upset him, but she had to tell him. “I had a conversation with Reckless today.”
“I take it that it wasn’t a pleasant one.”
“It started out pleasantly and then I had to go and ask him a question and it went downhill from there,” she said.
Will finished his dinner and asked, “What question was that?”
“I asked him why he stayed in our relationship so long if he didn’t love me.”
Will tried not to become irritated that she would ask her former beau something like that. “Why did you ask him that?”
“Because I’m not too smart when it comes to men, and I don’t always know when to leave well enough alone,” Rachel said with a smile.
“It must have been on your mind,” Will said.
“I’m trying to understand myself, Will. Why did I do such stupid things in the past and how do I keep from repeating them? Answering those questions is important if I’m going to be able to move on,” Rachel said.
“Ok. I guess I can understand that,” Will said, as he remembered some of the things Joe had said to him that day. “What did Reckless say?”
“He said that we were just using each other.”
Will’s brows puckered. “Why would he say that?”
“He was using me to keep from being forced to marry any of the maidens in the camp, and I was using him to keep from being lonely.”
“So how was seeing you keeping him from having to marry someone?”
“He was eligible for marriage at a young age. They have to count so much coup before they’re deemed worthy enough to marry. He was seventeen when he became eligible, which is quite a feat in their culture. Anyway, I guess he was very much sought after as a husband and he didn’t want to get forced into marriage. Since he was with me, he was able to avoid it. I guess his parents weren’t going to force him to marry someone if they thought he was happy with me,” Rachel said.
Will became angry. “Was that the only reason he was with you?”
“No. He cared about me and we had a lot of fun together. I know he was right about me being lonely. Plus, I’d been rejected by Jack back then and then along comes Reckless asking me out, and I was curious about him. And he was funny. I think I was also attracted to him because of the crazy things he did, too.” Something dawned on Rachel. “I was using him to distract myself from grief. If I was thinking about him or having fun with him, it kept me from having to think about the night my parents died.”
“Is that why you tried to force him to marry you? You were lonely and figured you’d always have him with you then? Were you actually in love with him? You said to me before that you loved him,” Will said.
Rachel stood and began gathering their dishes. She shook her head. “I don’t know, Will. I just don’t know.” She scraped the plates into the waste bucket and put them into the sink. “I’ve been thinking about this all afternoon. That and Brendon. I’m sorry, Will. You don’t need to hear about all of this tonight. We were supposed to be talking about our business, not this. So this Hawk is quite a character, is he?”
Will appreciated her attempt to change the subject, but he knew it wasn’t going to work.
“Rachel, I don’t mind talking about it, if it helps you.”
She shook her head a little. “I don’t know if it will or not.”
“Give it a try.”
Rachel looked into his eyes and smiled at his kind expression. “Thank you, Will, but I don’t think I’m really ready to talk to you about it. It’s not a good idea to talk to the man who’s courting me about the men in my past.”
“Why not?” Will found that he was slightly annoyed. “I’m trying to help you.”
“I know and I’m grateful to you, but how would you feel about talking to me about the women you’ve been with in the past?” Rachel asked.
“I’d say ask me anything.”
“Please, Will. I just can’t,” she said.
“Rachel, I’m the man who loves you. You should be able to tell me anything,” Will said.
“I know you love me. That’s the problem.”
Will simply stared at her for a few moments. “My loving you is a problem?”
Rachel’s expression became alarmed. “Oh, no! I didn’t mean it like that. How careless of me. I’m afraid of saying something that will make you realize that you’re making a mistake with me.”
Will let out a mirthless laugh. “Am I making a mistake with you?”
“No!”
“Then why would I think that?”
Tears of frustration built behind her eyes. “See? I am so confused that I can’t even say it to you right. I don’t want you to think that you’re in love with someone who’s not good enough for you.”
Will understood then. She was self-conscious enough about her past, but telling him more would make her seem even worse in his eyes. He went to her and pulled her into his arms.
“Rachel, I’m no saint, so don’t put me up on some pedestal or something.”
Rachel let him hold her. “Will, you are a good man and you would never do some of the awful things I’ve done.”
“Maybe not, but I’ve never had anything really bad happen to me, either. I’m lucky enough to still have my parents, you know? I didn’t lose them when I was young like you did. That’s an awful thing to live through, Rachel. It’s not like you lost one or the other, you lost both at the same time. Something like that can turn you on your head.”
“But other people go through horrible things and they don’t do bad things,” Rachel said.
“Was what you did really all that horrible? I mean, it’s over and done. You can’t undo it, and you’ve apologized to Reckless. What else are you supposed to do? It’s time to live your life and be happy,” Will said as he kissed the top of her head.
She looked up at him and said, “I’m trying, but it feels like something is holding me back, Will.”
He gazed into her eyes and said, “Please don’t tell me that you don’t have any romantic feelings for me.”
“What? How could you think that? Of course I do, or I wouldn’t want you the way I do,” Rachel said.
Will closed his eyes in relief. “Thank God.” He opened them again. “Ok, so you don’t think you can move forward. What do you think you need to do so you can?”
“I don’t know. I wish I did. Please can we just not talk about it anymore tonight? I don’t have a solution yet,” Rachel said.
Letting out a sigh, Will said, “Ok. You win.” He kissed her and then said, “I’ll see you tomorrow, honey.”
“Wait. You’re not staying?” Rachel asked.
He smiled. “We can try to change the subject, but I’m going to be thinking about it and I know you will, too. You don’t want to talk about it, but I do.”
“Why?”
“Because whatever is holding you back is holding us back,” Will said. “I’m pretty stubborn, and I work at a problem until I figure out a solution. Not everyone is like that, though. I can annoy people because I’m so determined
,” Will said.
“Holding us back? What does that mean?”
Will kissed her forehead and said, “Goodnight, Rachel.”
Rachel watched him go and couldn’t believe he’d left. She began heating water with which to wash the dishes. She thought about what Will had said as she washed them. About halfway through with them, his meaning came to her. Angrily she finished them and then put on her coat.
*****
Someone banged on the kitchen door and Will jumped. He’d been pouring a drink of whiskey and some of it spilled onto the floor. “Damn it!” He opened the door and was surprised when Rachel shoved him backwards and slammed the door shut.
“I figured out what you were talking about, Will,” she said as she locked it.
“You did?” Will said with a smile.
“Yes. It took me a little while, but I did,” Rachel responded.
“So then you want to talk about things?”
“Oh, yes.”
There was something off about her tone. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” she said as she came closer. “What could be wrong?” She ran a hand down over his chest.
“What did you think I meant?” Will asked as he backed up a step.
“Well, just that you’re right. We can’t move forward until I do.” She advanced again.
“Yeah. That’s what I said, but what did you think I meant?” Will asked as Rachel undid the top button of his shirt.
“I think we just need to move forward.”
Another button was loosened.
“Uh, ok. How?” Will asked, and took another step back.
“By just doing it. Why waste more time talking about it when we should just take action?”
A third button was undone.
“I don’t understand.” Will grunted as his backside hit the counter.
Rachel pinned him between it and her body. “I’ll show you.” She pulled him down and gave him an angry kiss. “See? Like that.”
“Hey! Stop that!” he said. “What’s gotten into you?”
“What’s the matter?” she said with mock surprise. “I thought that’s what you wanted.”
“No!”
“So then you don’t want to make love with me?”
“Yes, I do, but—”
She kissed him again and could feel her anger begin to slip. A small shard of passion cut into it and Rachel became frustrated more than angry. Abruptly, she broke off the kiss, stamping her foot. She missed the floor and accidentally stomped right on top of Will’s foot, which was bare.
“Ouch!” He jerked forward and they bumped heads hard.
“Ow!” she said and stumbled backward.
Will made a grab for her, but all he caught was one button on her coat. Off popped the button and down she went as the coat gave way. His backward momentum sent him colliding into the cupboards before he, too, landed on the floor. For several dazed moments they lay on the floor, staring at each other in shock.
Then Rachel reached up to touch her smarting head. She looked at her fingers and said, “Well, at least I’m not bleeding.”
This struck Will as very funny and he couldn’t stop the smile that spread over his face. “Are you ok?” His voice was thick with laughter.
“I’m not bleeding, so I guess I am,” she answered and realized that she’d just repeated herself. “I’m sorry. I already said that.”
“It’s ok. I’m not bleeding, either. I don’t think I am. Am I?” Will asked and started laughing.
“No,” Rachel said as she started laughing with him. “Oh! Stop laughing! I have to pee, Will!”
Will only laughed harder.
“Stop!” Rachel began struggling to get up. “I have to pee!” She made it to her feet and fled the kitchen.
Will laughed the whole time he heard her scramble up the stairs and then picked himself up off the floor. He discovered he had a slight crick in his back as he straightened up. Soon Rachel was back. As soon as they looked at each other, they started laughing again. Will motioned to the kitchen table and they sat down.
Finally, he was able to ask, “Can you please explain to me what you thought I meant?”
Rachel rubbed her forehead and said, “I thought you meant sex.”
“Sex? What gave you that idea?” he asked.
“You said we can’t move forward until I can, but you left before you told me what you meant by that.”
“Yeah, I know. I just thought we’d talk about it later sometime,” Will replied.
“The more I thought about it, the more I thought you were talking about me not being able to be intimate with you.”
Will went back over their previous conversation and he saw how his statement could have made her think that. “I’m sorry. I should have just told you right then.” He reached across the table to take her hand and said, “I meant before we become more serious about each other, you would have to be able to move forward. I should have just said that.”
“Oh. I see. I’m so sorry for misunderstanding and for almost giving you a concussion. And for sort of attacking you,” Rachel said.
Will gave her a lopsided smile. “That part was sort of fun, actually. But why did you step on my foot when you kissed me?”
She giggled. “I didn’t mean to step on your foot. I was mad at myself because I was supposed to be angry with you and not enjoy kissing you. I went to stomp my foot and got yours instead of the floor.”
Will laughed. “You’ve been spending too much time with Zoe lately. Her klutziness is starting to rub off on you.”
Rachel laughed. “I feel so bad for her. She has to be the clumsiest person I’ve ever met. Raven is always saving her from one disaster or another. She trips, he catches her. She drops a cup, he catches it. It’s like some kind of strange dance they do. He doesn’t even have to watch her to know exactly how to steady her. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
“I haven’t talked to him for a while. How’s his memory doing?” Will asked.
“Pretty good. It’ll never be quite the same, but he works at it and Zoe is really patient with him. He gave me homework,” Rachel said.
Will was confused. “Did he forget that he’s not a teacher? Why is he giving you homework?”
“It’s something he does when he can’t remember something about his past. When he has an incomplete memory about something, he has people write down the rest of it. Sometimes it helps him remember and sometimes it doesn’t. Either way, he likes reading whatever they write,” Rachel said.
“That’s a good idea, actually. So what does he want you to write about?” Will asked.
“He used to come in the store when he and Mike were kids, and one day, one of them accidently knocked over a display of apples. It was fall and Jake had a good crop from the orchard back when he owned it. I think it was Mike who actually did it. It was very funny. They helped clean it up, but Elliot wasn’t happy about them doing it,” Rachel said.
“I can’t wait to read it. Now, Miss Crispin, I think you need to go home. I was not speaking about physical intimacy. Not that that’s not a very pleasant subject, but I wasn’t. I’m glad we cleared the air, though.”
She smiled. “Me, too.” She came over to him and kissed his cheek. “Goodnight, Will.”
He was able to hold off until she’d left before breaking out into laughter once more.
Chapter Twelve
Justin Keller was one of Will’s best friends and an oddball by anyone’s definition. Had the medical community at that time known his exact diagnosis, he would have been considered bipolar. His moods swung like a clock pendulum and he often changed topics in the middle of a conversation. These two things had earned him the nickname of “Switch” because that was exactly what he did.
He sat in Will’s workshop at the store, his tall, lanky frame folded up into a rocking chair that was to be picked up the next day. His dark eyes roamed around the room, taking in all of the merchandise that had “sold” signs on it.
>
Will looked over at his buddy and smiled. Switch was dressed haphazardly, seeming to put on whatever was closest to his bed. Today, he wore black dress pants with an old red Western shirt that had certainly seen better days. His tan cowboy boots clashed horribly with the outfit and Will knew that if Joe Dwyer could have seen him, it would have sent the well-dressed mayor into fits.
“Hey, Switch, penny for your thoughts,” Will said. Let the fun begin. I wonder how Hawk will take this.
Switch seemed to come back from somewhere far away. “What? Oh. I was just thinking that you got a lot of crap sold. It’s a good thing you have Hawk over there to help you. How’s Rachel? You gonna marry her or what? How’s Tucker? I haven’t seen him recently. Of course, I was out of town at my Uncle Harry’s. I’m glad that’s over with,” he said with an eye roll.
“Yeah, I can’t believe how quick everything went. I know you don’t like your uncle very much,” Will said.
“The man just yap, yap, yaps, all damn day. Grates on my nerves something fierce,” Switch informed Will. “It’s a relief to go to sleep at night so I don’t have to hear him. Well, when I do sleep, that is. At least he goes to bed and leaves me alone. He thinks he knows everything, but he doesn’t know anything. He’s never amounted to anything. Oh well. I’m home and that’s all that matters. So what about Rachel?”
“Things are going well. We’re not quite to the marriage part yet,” Will said. “We’re working on it.”
Switch ran a hand through his black hair. He kept it short and after he scratched his head, it stood up a little on the one side. The man didn’t really care about his appearance, which drove Joe nuts. Joe wasn’t the only one Switch irritated. He was the one person who truly got under Rick Westlake’s skin. Will and Tucker enjoyed watching Switch interact with Rick. It was a wonder the Indian agent didn’t sic his ferret on the man, but somehow he managed not to.
“Ok. You’ll be able to make the mortgage payment this month, huh? That’s great. I’m glad to see you off to a good start. Did you ever wonder about why we don’t have pygmies here?”
Will laughed. “I can’t say I have. What made you think about that?” No one ever knew which way Switch’s mind was going to turn.