“He’s sacrificing his happiness for yours. In his mind, of course. We all know how stupid boys can be.”
“He said he’s not what’s best for me, but the job is,” I say in annoyance. “That’s a cop-out line.”
“True,” Marina says. “But he actually believes it. When we met him, I could tell how much he likes you, and I know I didn’t read that wrong.”
“That I agree with,” Emerson says. “He couldn’t take his eyes off you. And he looked really happy to see you, too.”
“So what do you suggest I do then? Just ignore him?”
“I suggest you clear your mind. Go home to the guesthouse, and get some sleep. Em and I both teach in the morning, and right now, Devon’s backyard is the only studio space we’ve got, so you can’t exactly ghost him.”
“God.” I put my head in my hands. “You’re right.”
“But you don’t have to go back yet.” Emerson puts her arm around me. “Let’s go back to our place and binge watch The Crown.”
Devon
“So that’s it,” Colton says to me.
It takes some prodding, but after that last round of shots I engaged in with Gray, I’m finally drunk enough to spill about Jade and me.
The truth is, I denied it for as long as I could. But, these four guys are my best friends for a reason, and they’ve been on my ass all week, trying to figure out what’s got me so cranky.
I try to tell them it was a woman I met at the wedding without mentioning Jade by name. And that works until—
“Jade went to a wedding too last weekend,” Colton says casually. “Also in Orange County.”
Gray’s eyes widen and he points at me. “You—and Jade?!”
I flip off Colton, who raises his beer to me and grins.
“Jade did seem a little distracted this week,” King says. “She’s been teaching me this yoga practice that really helps when I don’t get enough sleep, and this week, she was late to our scheduled session. She said she nearly forgot.”
“What happened between you two?” Dylan asks me. “Was she really at the same wedding as you?”
I’m going to have a monster headache tomorrow, but this time with the guys has been worth it. The pain I’ve felt all week is duller now, and the grief I felt when Jade drove away is somewhat mitigated. It’ll be back in the morning full force, but for a few hours, I’m trying to push it off.
However, the alcohol has also made my tongue looser, and I find myself saying, “She was there. I was there. We…spent some time together.”
Gray lets out a cheer, but King shakes his head at me disapprovingly. “You know that’s going to get you in a whole world of shit, Wilkens.”
“I know,” I say. “And now Coach has offered her a permanent position. So, if I step in now…”
“Then everything’s fucked up,” Gray says with a nod. “Shit. That sucks, man.”
“Well, is it serious?” Colton asks me. “Are you and Jade…”
I shake my head. “I don’t go there. With anyone. You guys know that.”
The looks they exchange with one another pisses me off.
“Hey! I’m right fucking here!” I snap.
“You need to try,” Dylan says finally. “With her. She’s good for you.”
“I can’t try with her,” I say. “She needs this job. Being with me…that’ll fuck everything up for her.”
“Don’t you think you should let her make that decision?” Colton asks me. “There could be a workaround.”
“No workaround,” I say. “I’m not what she needs. She’s better than…”
“Than you?” Dylan fills in the blank space. “You’re being a damn coward, Wilkens. It’s not a good look on you.”
“Fuck. You. Wild.” I stand up. “This party’s over. You can all go home now. As long as somebody drives Gray.”
“We’ve got Gray,” King says. He shoots me a hard look. “And we’ve got you, too, you know. Don’t be a dick and forget that.”
Chastened, I slap his back. “I won’t. I don’t.”
20
Jade
It’s after midnight when I finally leave Marina and Emerson’s place. I drive back to Devon’s, winding my way along the ocean road until I reach his gated drive. I use the code to enter, and I pull into the driveway.
I open and close my car door quietly. Devon’s house is dark, and I walk along the side path to the backyard. I’m about to turn toward the guesthouse when the back patio lights get my attention.
Thinking he must have left them on by accident, I walk over to turn them off.
That’s when I see him.
He’s laid out in a lounge chair, a slew of empty beer bottles littered across the ground.
I hurry over to him.
His eyes are closed, and he doesn’t move when I sit down on the edge of the chair.
“Devon.” I put my hand on his shoulder and shake him lightly.
He stirs but doesn’t wake up.
I go about picking up the beer bottles and tossing them into the recycling container around the corner.
When I finish, Devon’s watching me. His blue eyes pierce through me as I walk toward him, feeling like he can see through my walls to how much I need him.
“Jade.”
Something about him is off. And not just because he’s clearly had too much to drink. I’ve never seen his eyes so…exposed. A pain is swimming in them that I’ve always noticed, but he usually keeps it well-concealed. But tonight, he’s raw and vulnerable.
I sit on his chair again. “Are you okay?”
He nods. “I think my hangover’s already started, yet I’m still drunk.”
“What the hell happened here? Please tell me you didn’t drink all of those beers.”
A smile ghosts his lips. “Not a chance. Gray drank his weight earlier.”
“Gray was here?”
“And Colt, Dyl, and King. Only Gray and I got this fucked up, though.”
“How come you got fucked up?” I ask him. “Doesn’t seem like your style.”
“It’s not. I owe you an apology,” he says in what feels like an abrupt change of subject.
I shake my head. “I lost my temper. I’m sorry for lashing out.”
“I deserved it.” He closes his eyes again.
“Let’s get you inside,” I say as I reach for his arm.
Luckily, he’s not so drunk that he can’t walk on his own. I keep my arm around his waist, and he leans into me as we head across the patio and into his living room.
When we reach the couch, he sinks down and leans his head back against the cushions while I go get him a glass of water. I find some crackers in the pantry, and I shake a few out into a bowl.
“Sometimes I like something plain to settle my stomach,” I say as I set the bowl onto the coffee table.
“I appreciate it.” He looks up at me with such gratitude my knees go weak.
I take a seat next to him. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I can see his throat move as he swallows hard. “I never talk about this shit, Jade. And there’s a reason for that…”
“That’s okay. I’m the last person who would ever judge you, Devon.”
“I know.” He grabs a cracker out of the bowl and bites into it. Once he’s swallowed and then taken a big swig of water, he says in a hoarse tone, “Honestly, I don’t know how to start. I just know that when I met you nine years ago on the beach, you weren’t the only one who needed saving.”
I search his face. “I don’t get it. You had everything going for you, and all these people were already following your lead. Calling you sir, wanting to help you in any way they could. All to get close to you and get inside Devon Wilkens’s orbit. They knew you were going to be a star.”
He turns his gaze on me. “Not everything is as it seems, Jade. From the moment you inserted yourself into that circle of assholes and risked your life to save mine, I was hooked.”
“You said no one had ever done somet
hing like that for you before,” I say as I remember his words.
“And that’s true. No one has. And for the past nine years, I hoped to see you again. To be honest, I haven’t hoped for something so much, in a long fucking time, the way I hoped for you, Jade.”
I turn into him, my chest pressing against his. “That’s a cheesy line.”
“I know.” He leans down, and his lips brush mine. “But it’s the damn truth.”
I look up into his mysterious eyes, and I see so much emotion swimming in the depths.
“Are you lonely?” I say in a bare whisper.
“All the time,” he says, his lips a fraction of an inch from mine. “I’ve always had to rely on myself.”
“How come?”
“My mother died when I was seven. I never knew my dad, and I grew up in foster care.”
My heart comes crashing down at the raw confession. Only to break apart in pieces when he adds—
“Last Friday was the anniversary of her death, actually.”
“Last—Friday? The day we were in Orange County?”
“Yeah. As luck would have it, the two dates I always try to black out on the calendar fall a week apart from each other. One was last Friday, and the other is today.”
His breath catches on the last word, and I say, “What’s today?”
“Today is the day the state took me away. I was hoping my grandmother could raise me, but she was deemed too frail. It was the day I truly lost any sense of a safety net. I lived with several different foster families. Each set of ‘parents’ was worse than the first. They were all in it for the kickback from the state. One of the fathers was physically abusive; another was a drinker. One of the mothers used to lock us foster kids in the closet while she fed dinner to her ‘real’ kids.”
I gasp. “That’s so horrible, Devon.”
“I never had a family to celebrate things with—a birthday or a holiday or even my draft day. Until I joined the Cougars, I didn’t allow myself to get close to teammates even. I kept everyone at arm’s length. But Colt and Dylan, and then Gray and King—we just clicked right away. And that’s been great.”
“But today has bad memories for you,” I say. “I understand.”
“Today marks the day I promised myself I’d never let anyone too close, because if I did, I’d just get burned. And even though I have close friends who feel more like brothers to me, the truth is that I don’t have a family. And normally, I’m okay with that. But every so often, on days like today, I feel that hole.”
He shifts until he’s lying flat on the couch, bringing me with him. I rest my head on his chest, listening to his strong heartbeat.
“I guess my wound still hasn’t healed, and all the success and money in the world doesn’t seem to close it like I hoped it would.”
Hope. There’s that word again. But this time, it’s filled with pain. And I want to climb inside Devon’s walls of isolation and grief and hold him until he’s healed.
“I’m so sorry about your mom, Devon.” I snuggle closer against him.
“And I’m sorry I hurt you. I believe in you, Jade.” His tone is sleepy. “I know how much you deserve this opportunity with the Cougars. And I know you’ll make the most of it. What you and I could have—it wouldn’t come with a guarantee the way your job would.”
“I know you think you’re doing the right thing by me,” I say into his shirt.
“I only want to do the right thing when it comes to you.” His voice gets lower and raspier.
I lift my head. “You should get some rest. I’ll see you later…”
“Stay.” He presses a light kiss to my hair. “Please.”
I know that in the morning, once he’s sober, everything will go back to the way it was—us as work colleagues and that’s it.
But for tonight, I stay where I am—warm and cozy in Devon’s arms.
The heat wakes me. I feel like I’ve been sleeping next to a furnace. I open my eyes, confused over where I am.
That’s when I see I’m lying half on top of Devon. Our legs are intertwined, and his arm is underneath my back. My hand has found its way inside his t-shirt, and he’s got one of his hands underneath the hem of my shorts.
Flustered, I pull my arm out of his shirt and sit up, forcing his hand free.
His eyes flutter open. “How’d you sleep?” he asks me.
“Great. How are you feeling?” Without thinking, I put my hand on his cheek. “Do you need some more water?”
He leans into my touch. “I’m good. I need a shower and some eggs. Oh, and pancakes. And bacon.”
I laugh. “A good old-fashioned hangover breakfast.”
“Right.”
We both grow serious, Devon’s eyes fixed on mine. The tension is thick. It’s too thick. I can’t just sit here and feel all these feelings for him, knowing I can’t act on them.
He made his position clear yesterday, and I must respect that. And now that I know about his childhood, it makes more sense. He doesn’t want to lose someone again, so he’d rather not open up his heart to anyone.
I stand up. “I hope you have a good day. Get some breakfast, and I’ll see you around.”
Before he can say anything, I spin around and leave.
I walk quickly across his back patio and over to the guesthouse. I feel like crying, but I won’t allow myself to. I refuse to cry for something I never had in the first place. Sure, Devon and I had a couple of nights of incredible sex. But that’s not a relationship. We can still be friends, and I’ll get to see him at work.
You and I have a connection that won’t be sated by mere friendship. It will burn for more…
He’s right. It will never be enough.
I’ve just made it inside and shut the door behind me when my phone beeps with a text.
Shit. Marina’s reminding me that she and Emerson will be here shortly to teach their classes.
I strip off my clothes. I can still smell Devon on me from sleeping with him last night, and I need to wash him off of me. No sense in holding onto what will never be.
I’ve just gotten out of the shower when I hear the knock on the door. Marina must be early. Wrapping a towel around me, I hurry to the door and swing it open.
Devon’s got both arms braced against the doorframe. His head is down, and I can tell by his damp hair and clean t-shirt and jeans that he just got out of the shower himself.
“Jade, I can’t do this,” he says as he looks up. His eyes darken at the sight of me in a towel, and he drags his gaze down my body and back up. “I can’t do this,” he repeats. “I want you.”
“Wh-what?” I get out.
“I want you,” he says again. “I’ll talk to Coach on Monday. I’ll explain to him that I love you and that this isn’t a fling. This is forever. That is, if you want it to be.”
I love you. Forever. I stare at him as I silently process his words.
“Jade?” Devon frowns. “Are you not sure about this? I’ll make sure you keep your job. I swear, if I have to, I’ll ask to be traded so long as it’s not too far away from you…”
I reach out and grab onto his shirt and pull him inside.
His mouth slams onto mine as he kicks the door shut behind him.
With one flick of his wrist, my towel’s on the floor. He reaches over his head and pulls off his shirt in one motion. He picks me up and carries me over to the bed, and by the time he’s removed his pants, I’m handing him a condom.
He checks to make sure I’m ready, and then he slides into me.
We both cry out at the sensation, and Devon lifts my arms up over my head.
“I want to make love to you,” he says into my mouth. “All you have to do is let go.”
He lightly pins my wrists together with one of his large hands, and with the other, he reaches between my legs and plays with the part of me that’s begging for him. All the while, he moves in and out of me with deliberate strokes that are driving me into a frenzy.
“Devon…” I
chant his name as he continues to hit that spot so deep inside me I’m nearly screaming. “Shit, Devon.”
“Give me everything, Jade.” His mouth shifts to my ear where he bites down on my earlobe hard enough that I moan. “Come hard, and I’ll be right behind you.” His voice is low and seductive, and I do exactly what he asks.
My orgasm is long and powerful, and Devon buries his face in my neck as he releases right after.
He kisses my shoulder. “You okay?”
I smile. “More than okay.” I run my hand through his thick hair, tugging at it just enough that he lifts his head to look at me. “Devon.”
“Jade.” He raises an eyebrow.
“You love me?” I ask him.
“I’m in love with you,” he says with such certainty I start shaking. “I’ve never been in love before, so you’re my first. Because of that, you may need to have a little patience with me as I learn how to, you know, not do things like I did yesterday.”
“Like get scared and then get drunk?”
“Things like that,” he says as he kisses me again.
“I have something to say,” I say as I pull back.
“What is it?” He bites his lip, and the nervous gesture is so cute I smile.
“I love you, too.”
He gives me one of those rare full smiles I adore. “Yeah?”
I bring his head closer so I can kiss him. “I’m pretty sure I’ve loved you for the past nine years.”
His blue eyes fill with emotion. “You hardly knew me, but I love the compliment.”
“I may have been more in love with the idea of you,” I say. “But you were the only man who ever did it for me. You still are.”
He flips onto his back and pulls me on top of him. “Ride me.”
I break into a laugh. “You’re insatiable.”
“With you? Yes. I am. You love that about me, don’t you?”
I do. I absolutely do.
We’re in the middle of shouting each other’s names as we come when I hear—
“Um, Jade?”
Oh, shit! Marina’s outside my door.
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