by Trina Solet
He got his chance to find out when Gavin limped back into the living room and sat down again with his foot propped up on the coffee table.
"Was that picture taken right after you got Benji?" Miles asked as he sat down next to him.
"It was," Gavin said and looked over at the picture with a fond smile. "He was very apprehensive then. He got nervous whenever he was away from me. He always seemed worried that I wasn't coming back. I think he was still getting used to the fact that I was his dad now and forever and that I wasn't going anywhere. When he first started at his new preschool, I was worried, but with all the other kids there, he got into it pretty quickly."
"Having a dad like you has made him brave," Miles said. "But why was he so worried about spilling?" He had noticed how careful Benji was with his glass of milk. He also warned Miles not to pour too much because he didn't want to spill it.
"He had foster parents who were strict about making any kind of mess," Gavin explained. "They overdid it, so he's a little bit paranoid."
"He is tidier than most kids. I thought it just came naturally to him. When we were making dinner, every time there was a crumb or anything, he wanted me to wipe it up right away." At the time, Miles thought it was kind of funny.
"They drilled it into him, and I've been trying to undo the damage. It's not like I want him to be careless, but I don't want him to be scared to mess up."
"I'll teach him how to mess up," Miles offered. "I'm practically a pro at it."
"And what about your family? You always look kind of sad when you talk about them. Is something wrong?" Gavin asked.
Miles sighed and leaned back into the cushions of the couch. He liked to pretend that everything was OK, but he must not have been doing a very good job of it. "It's not really the whole family. It's my grandfather. Ever since I came out when I was still in high school, he never misses a chance to tell me what he thinks of gay people." Miles gritted his teeth thinking back on his vile worlds. His grandfather had been fond of him before he found out he was gay, but then he turned hateful. He became like a different man with mean eyes and disgust on his face any time he looked at Miles.
"I'm sorry. I hope you didn't let him get to you," Gavin said and touched his hand lightly.
With Gavin's hand resting on his, Miles felt better already. "The worst of it happened the summer right before I started college and went to work for you. You were kind of my role model back then. I always knew my grandfather was full of crap, but it helped me to see you. You were like an antidote to all that poison. You were proof that being gay was a good thing. That we weren't depraved, sick degenerates."
"I'm too boring to be a degenerate."
"Exactly," Miles said with a laugh. "After listening to my grandfather spewing all that ignorant garbage, I needed to spend time with someone like you so I would know I was OK. There was nothing wrong with me. I wasn't sick. He was always telling my parents to send me to therapy so I could get fixed."
Hearing that, Gavin had a grim look on his face. "Your parents should have shut him down."
Miles shook his head. He knew that wasn't in the cards. "The whole family is under his thumb. My grandfather bullies them and they knuckle down. Plus he has had a lot of heart problems, and they don't want to upset him."
"And what about upsetting you?" Gavin asked pointedly.
"Me? I have to understand, he's from a different generation. That's just how he was raised." Miles let bitterness creep into his voice as he repeated what his parents had been telling him for as long as he could remember. "So I have to understand where he's coming from, but I shouldn't expect him to understand me. And I don't want him to have another heart attack, do I?" Miles took a deep breath then let it out in a sigh and told Gavin, "Sorry."
"No. Don't apologize. They are in the wrong, not you," Gavin said firmly. "You have a right to feel the way you do. Your grandfather doesn't." Then Gavin grew thoughtful. "The way you were talking about your family when you were buying gifts, I thought you had a good relationship with them."
"I just want to stay positive and hopeful. I guess I don't want to write them off. It would be too hard," Miles said, not sure how to explain his mixed up feelings about his family.
"There's that sad look I noticed," Gavin said and smiled at him.
"Don't worry about me. Worry about your ankle," Miles told him, not wanting to let the subject of his family monopolize the conversation any longer. "Need any help getting into bed?" he asked boldly.
Gavin chuckled and refused his help. He did smile at Miles warmly, and there was no sign that he was warning him off. Hopefully that wasn't only because he felt sorry for him. Miles decided not to push his luck and got up, grabbed his jacket, ready to get going.
"I won't walk you to the door," Gavin told him.
"Of course not. But thanks for having me for dinner," Miles said.
"What are you talking about? You made the dinner," Gavin reminded him.
"Still, it means a lot to me. I'll see you soon," Miles told him and gave him a significant look. "But know that I won't be on my best behavior next time." Miles' eyes went from Gavin to his bedroom door, and he grinned. Then he got out of there before Gavin could say anything to discourage him.
Getting home, Miles went straight to his bedroom and tried to toe off his shoes with the laces still tied. After a pointless struggle and almost falling over, he had to sit on his bed to untie his shoelaces. He kicked his shoes away to tumble across his bedroom floor and land in the corner.
Without getting undressed, he dropped into the bed and sighed. He had only taken his jacket off. Through his remaining clothes he could feel the cold sheets and the empty bed. He wanted to be with Gavin again, sit close to him and maybe do more than talk this time. The cold sheets were making him shiver. What he wouldn't give to have Gavin in this bed with him.
As he closed his eyes on that fantasy, he thought it was only for a minute, but then without meaning to, he fell asleep in his clothes. The next day he woke up to a bright winter morning, chilled but still smiling, thinking of the next time he would see Gavin.
Chapter 8
Waking up to the sound of Benji puttering around the apartment, Gavin sat up then stopped himself. After a few days of getting up too suddenly and being reminded that his ankle still hurt, he took it easy. Now it was mostly healed though, and he could put weight on it without a jolt of pain.
He went out into the living room and found Benji crouching in front of the corner table. Gavin had cleared it and told him they would put their Christmas tree there. The way Benji was staring, it was almost like he thought the tree was going to magically appear.
"We'll go shopping for a tree soon," Gavin told him and went over to kiss the top of his head. "Now let's have some breakfast."
"Special Sunday breakfast, Dad," Benji reminded him.
"Is it Sunday?" Gavin asked to tease him.
"Yes. Special Sunday breakfast," Benji said and bounced excitedly.
Gavin had started the tradition when he first adopted Benji. He broke an egg in a hot pan and turned the yolk into a smile. Benji was delighted, so he did it with toast too. He spread peanut butter then squeezed grape jelly on it in the shape of a smile. Then he told Benji, "Sundays are for smiling. We're having a happy breakfast."
When he came up with the menu, he didn't know he would be stuck with it forever. Gavin planned to vary the special breakfast with pancakes, waffles, and a few other things, but Benji wouldn't hear of it. He also didn't expect Benji to insist that Gavin had to have the same thing. He went easy with the grape jelly on his own toast, but it was still a struggle. He drank plenty of black coffee with it to kill the sweetness. It was worth it though because it made Benji happy.
That was just one of the small ways his life had changed. He remembered how his place used to be – every available space taken up by books old and new. To make room for all the shelves, the rest of his furnishings was minimal. Books were at the center of his working life and his home
. More than one person had called it an obsession.
Now the books were still there, but they were more in the background. Benji's stuff was front and center. What mattered to him, mattered to Gavin more than anything. Benji was his life.
That didn't mean that he didn't miss having a man to share his life with. He just tried not to brood about it. Getting to be a dad and running the bookstore, he was sometimes so busy he forgot that there was even anything else to want. Loneliness came on at night. That's when he could almost feel a man's body next to his own, hear him breathing, like he could touch him if he just reached out his hand. At those times Gavin kept his eyes shut and he didn't dare move. The man was an illusion. If he tried to make him real, he would be gone.
And now there was Miles, this new, unexpected temptation. He wasn't an illusion. Miles was a promise of a real body next to his, if only for a little while. He just couldn't imagine that Miles would want to be with him forever.
The last few days had been nice though. Miles came by to help at the store as often as he could, and the feeling of being taken care of that he gave Gavin couldn't be beat. It was funny how Miles was always ready to pitch in, and he never seemed to like working at the bookstore when he actually got paid for it.
Though Miles didn't seem like he had one serious bone in his body, he knew how to focus on Benji and help him when he needed him. He and Benji had become homework buddies, which meant that Miles couldn't slack off. Every minute he spent with them reminded Gavin how nice it was to have him around. And also unnerving. Fighting his attraction to Miles was harder than ever.
But when he wasn't around, Gavin couldn't stop thinking about him. Once he got to the store, he had to force himself not to look toward the door every second. He couldn't deny that he was hoping to see Miles coming in then stopping just inside the door to give Gavin a cautious smile. It was like he was always asking if it was OK for him to be there. It was more than OK, but Gavin didn't dare tell him that.
"Are you expecting my predecessor again today?" Meredith asked seeing him glance toward the door one more time. It seemed like she could read him a little too well. He would have to watch himself.
"Not really." Miles hadn't been around as much since Gavin could stay on his feet without too much trouble. Gavin didn't expect his visits to continue indefinitely anyway. He was bound to lose interest. "It's only a matter of time before he gets bored."
Meredith frowned at him. "I don't think you do him justice. He's a really nice young man and very thoughtful," she said.
"Too young," Gavin mumbled. Maybe Miles had matured since the days he worked for him. It was only fair to give him credit. Gavin didn't doubt that he was a good guy with the best intentions. He just wasn't sure that was enough. And anyway, just because Miles wanted to hang out and fool around, that didn't mean that he wanted to get serious.
Gavin looked over at Benji. Meredith was taking him with her to see a move with her nieces' kids and then to lunch. Benji was excited to go, but Gavin's mind kept straying to Miles. Would he come by today?
*
It was Sunday. Miles was free to roam but there was only one place he wanted to be. But first he was going to Triple J's to have breakfast with his best friend. Her name was Candice and calling her Candy was a good way to get on her bad side. Miles had tried it for the first and last time when he wanted to sweet-talk her, and it backfired completely. According to her, Candy was a stripper name. Now Miles used it only when he wanted to get a rise out of her.
She was working on her masters but in no way was she the average college girl. When he first met her, Miles had asked her, "Are you a part time model or something?"
She was offended. "Why part time exactly?" But it turned out she wasn't a model at all. She just always looked like she was ready to walk down a runway.
Her model-worthy looks came at a price though. When he ate with her, Miles wasn't allowed to order anything good. If he did, she spent the whole meal glaring at him and stabbing at her salad viciously. That's why they both had fat free yogurt parfaits today though Miles' came with all sorts of yummy, crunchy toppings.
He was telling Candice his worries about Gavin. "What if I make the wrong move? At best, right now I might have a slim chance. One screw up and I'll lose any chance I have," Miles told her while munching on the cocoa dusted pecan pieces that topped his yogurt.
"If you want to have a shot at this guy, give it your all. They don't give medals for holding back," she told him.
"I'm the low achiever type, and you're telling me to go for the gold?"
"Your attitude stinks. You need a winning attitude, not aim for the honorable mention attitude," she told him.
"If I put my mind to it, you think I can win him over?" Miles asked uncertainly. He was afraid he was being too pushy and she was telling him to push harder.
Candice leaned over the table to give him a piece of her mind. "Don't be so wishy-washy. You owe it to yourself to try with all your might. It's the only way you'll know for sure that it was hopeless all along."
"Your advice gives me whiplash," Miles told her.
"But you're going to follow it anyway, aren't you?" she said confidently.
Miles couldn't deny it. "I don't really have a choice. So far I haven't been able to stay away from him."
When he stopped outside Triple J's and parted with Candice, Miles was greeted by the view of a pristine blue sky. Blinding sunlight made for a bright and cheerful winter's day. After admitting that he couldn't stay away, Miles knew that he might meander around town for a while, but eventually he would find himself at Gavin's bookstore.
Looking up between the buildings, Miles let the sun blind him for a second. It didn't do much to bring him back to his senses. Gavin was still all he could think of, but it took a little while for him to build up the courage to go to him.
Ending up at the Bookworm might have been inevitable, but that didn't mean that his heart didn't race once he found himself standing in front of that familiar sign. He needed to calm down. No chance of that. Right before he stepped through the door of the bookstore, he got really anxious. What if this was the day Gavin told him that he didn't want him to come back? Miles might go in there only for Gavin to warn him off. He always seemed to be on guard against Miles, which was why he hadn't dared to kiss him again. If he pushed things and then Gavin told him to stay away, Miles wasn't sure he could find the courage to defy him, and then he might never get to see him again. Gavin meant too much to him for him to risk that.
"Are you sure you're coming in?" Gavin asked him as he came out from the back of the store.
Miles realized he was holding the door open and staring off into space. "I thought I might come by and bug you," he said and let the door close behind him. He expected he would see Benji there, but there was no sign of him. "Where is your little guy?"
"Meredith took him to a movie with her nieces' kids. She'll be bringing him back in a few hours."
"So I have you all to myself. That's promising."
"If you don't count the customers," Gavin said and nodded toward the people browsing among the bookshelves.
Gavin went into the back again and Miles followed him. That old, creaky leather two-seater in the back brought back recent memories and dirty thoughts from way back when he used to work for Gavin. How many times did he fantasize about having sex with Gavin on that thing? More times than he could count. Miles did get to kiss him there, so that was something. But right now he needed to stop staring at that thing before Gavin guessed what he was thinking and kicked him out.
"Are you sure your ankle is all better. I can help out again if you want," Miles said seeing Gavin shift some boxes around.
"For a guy who couldn't wait to quit working here the first time around..." Gavin started to say but Miles interrupted.
"It's not like I hated working here. I told you this place was a safe haven for me," Miles reminded him, but Gavin still questioned him.
"Is that what you said?"
"Yes. You and this place. I had kind of a rough coming out, with my family and everything. You were so steady and sure of yourself. I felt grounded when I was here, like everything would be OK." Miles remembered the feeling. It would hit him as soon as he walked through the door. "When I was here I could believe that what was going on with me wasn't the end of the world. I just had to get through it and come out on the other side."
Hearing this, Gavin looked somber and regretful as he sat down at his desk with a sigh and hung his head. "I wish I had known about it back then."
"You helped me even without knowing," Miles told him with a grin. "I didn't want to bring all that negative stuff here anyway. When I walked through the door, I wanted to leave all that crap behind me."
"But you left. You quit," Gavin said as he turned in his office chair to fully face Miles where he stood in the middle of the room.
"I told you that being around you was too hard. I couldn't take it any more. If I stuck around, I knew I would end up doing something stupid. Then you would have to shut me down and tell me I didn't have a snowball's chance in hell."
"You had only just turned eighteen," Gavin said, confirming that Miles was right.
"But I was eighteen."
"That's a technicality," Gavin countered.
"It's a fact."
Gavin shook his head like he still wanted to deny it. "Didn't you just tell me that you needed a safe haven. Getting hit on by your boss..."
"Would have been a dream come true," Miles told him.
Gavin didn't take what he said seriously. He shook his head again.
"You are so clueless. Is it so hard for you to believe that I had a crush on you?" Miles said getting a little annoyed. Then he had to correct himself because crush didn't seem like the right word. It was too juvenile and fleeting, not what he felt at all. "Or more like a case of insatiable lust for your hot body and mind."