by Lane Hayes
His tentative tone made me wary. I had a feeling he was quoting a direct conversation but didn’t want to upset me.
“So he says, but the fact is… we don’t do well for long stretches together. Someone always ends up pissed off. And usually, it’s me,” I said with a humorless huff.
“It’s because you’ve never forgiven him. You have to let it go, Zeke.” A heavy silence fell between us. It seemed to take on a life of its own in the car’s lush interior. I had a feeling it could turn suffocating, even before Benny spoke again. “What happened anyway?”
“Nothing,” I lied.
I felt the heat of Benny’s shrewd gaze, but he didn’t push me for details. Maybe he sensed I wouldn’t share, or maybe he understood there really was nothing to be gained by dredging up bad memories.
“I used to think guys like you had it easier than me,” he said softly.
“How?”
“You aren’t obviously gay. I figured that meant you escaped some of the bullying and general fuckery that was a part of my everyday life growing up. I was wrong. I think it’s been harder for you in a different way. You’re constantly trying to prove yourself worthy. Maybe it began when you were young, but you still want everyone to know you’re smarter, better-looking, and have a shitload more money than they do. It must get tiring.”
My hackles rose instinctively. The urge to tell him he didn’t know shit was strong. But I didn’t. I felt uncharacteristically raw tonight, and Benny was my buoy. His intent wasn’t to challenge or criticize. He was simply voicing an observation. His tone was soft and infinitely kind. And when he squeezed my hand between both of his and then kissed it, my heart leapt at the sweetness of the gesture. I swallowed hard and nodded.
“You have no idea,” I whispered.
WE MADE love with a passionate intensity that night. Benny clung to me as I moved inside him. He hiked his legs high around my hips and dug his heels into my ass, quietly urging me on. Maybe that was why it felt different. He was never quiet and especially not in bed. Benny had no qualms telling me exactly how hard or how rough he wanted it. He liked to switch positions at random times. One minute I’d be on my knees plowing into him from behind, and then he’d pull away, push me flat on my back, and ride me to oblivion. On more than one occasion, I’d had to hold him down and insist we were doing things my way. It sounded barbaric, but Benny fucking loved it. Those were the times I was glad to have thick walls to dampen the never-ending chorus of “fuck me, fuck me, fuck me.”
Tonight we moved in silent harmony. It was a beautiful dance. A perfect balance of give and take. I held him close as we moved toward imminent release, and fuck, I felt invincible. Together we were powerful. I snapped my hips as I wrapped my arms around him, holding him close. He moaned and smoothed his hands over my back and spread his legs wider. I wanted to crawl inside him. I wanted to take his body and claim his soul. I wanted him to be mine. And when I looked deep into his eyes as our orgasms crashed over us, I could have sworn the ensuing magical feeling was a sign.
Chapter 9
MY FIRM’S quarterly cocktail parties were a pain in the ass. They were private schmooze fests for the elite top performers, ostensibly to acknowledge a job well done. There was generally a large bonus associated with the honor. I had yet to find a way to take the money without attending the party, but I’d become deft at making my appearance as brief as possible. With any luck that wouldn’t change tonight. One hour, I mused as I glanced at my watch.
“Are we late?” Benny picked imaginary lint from his black trousers and squirmed in his seat like a kid dressed in his uncomfortable Sunday best.
I doubted his ensemble caused him any anxiety. He looked cool and sophisticated in a sharp houndstooth blazer with a classic white oxford shirt. I reached over to still his hand and laced our fingers together. I squeezed gently and smiled across the Mercedes’s darkened interior at him.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Is Hector going to wait for us?”
“He’ll be in the area. Why?”
“Just curious. This is kind of far. Where are we going again?”
I turned in my seat to get a better look at him. “Columbus Circle. There’s an exclusive restaurant in the Time Warner Center my boss loves.”
“How many people will be there?”
“Fifty… maybe less.”
“Oh.”
“Ben, look at me.” I waited for him to comply before continuing. “There’s no reason for panic here. Everyone is very friendly.”
“Then why do you hate going to these things?”
“’Cause it’s a company function. I see these assholes every day! For the most part, they’re decent enough, but I sure as hell don’t want to hang out with them on a Friday night,” I said with a snort.
“Hmm. Do they know you’re gay?”
I let out an exasperated rush of air. “Yes. Geez, Ben, we’ve been through this. You never get nervous. Why now?”
“I don’t do well in big hetero groups where I don’t know anyone. I get that sick feeling in my stomach like déjà vu of when I was in grade school and I knew it was only a matter of time before I got locked in the girls’ bathroom.”
I squeezed his fingers and chuckled lightly. “I got your back, babe. No one’s going to mess with you without coming through me first and—why are you looking at me like that?”
“No reason. That sounded kind of… romantic, in a weird way. If you aren’t careful, everyone will think I really am your boyfriend.”
His words were teasing, but there was enough truth in them to make us both a little uncomfortable. We were like boyfriends. He knew it. I knew it. And we both knew I was the one wearing a suit of invisible armor that kept me from acknowledging that Benny and I had become more than we set out to be. In a relatively short amount of time, he’d become important to me. We shared more than a bed. We shared our secrets, our hopes, and even our fears. I wanted him with a passion that for once in my life wasn’t born of anger or uncertainty. I didn’t worry about balancing the scales of injustice when I was with Ben. I could simply… be.
I should speak up now. I should tell him how I feel, I thought. We were good together. We shouldn’t make sense, but we did. As the sound of his melodic voice filled the space between us, I let my mind wander. He should move in with me. His place was far too small. I wondered if he’d want to redecorate mine. I’d have to talk him out of it. He had a thing for crystals and mirrors. Maybe we could add a mirror or two in the bedroom but—
“Zeke.”
I started and blinked before refocusing on Benny and glancing out the window. We were idling in front of the Time Warner Center.
“You ready?” I waited for him to nod and then added, “One hour.”
PIERRE’S WAS intimidating to all but an elite few… people like Carter who’d grown up on the Upper East Side and spent time at their weekend home in the Hamptons. To the rest of us schmucks, it was one of those slightly terrifying restaurants where the rules of decorum were a baffling mystery. I’d literally been raised in a bagel store. This wasn’t the world I came from by a long shot. However, my job offered me entry into exclusive eateries all over Manhattan. Over the past five years or so, I’d developed an immunity to over-the-top opulence. Sure, the view overlooking Central Park was impressive, the wine list was world-class, and the American French fusion cuisine was phenomenal, but I would have been equally happy at home with my feet on the sofa eating takeout and watching RuPaul’s Drag Race reruns with Benny.
I waved a brief hello to one of our brokers and then set a possessive hand on my date’s shoulder. I gave an exaggerated covert look to my left, then right, a la James Bond, before staring deep into his eyes. “Here’s the plan. I need to give my regards to the three partners, one of whom is standing a few feet away by the fireplace. Schmooze or cocktail first? Your call.”
Benny chuckled. “You start schmoozing. I’ll be in charge of the alcohol. What do you want to drink?”
/> “The usual.”
“Got it. Martini for you, dirty martini for me. If I can’t find you, I’m drinking them both.”
“Is that a warning?” I huffed in amusement as I brushed my hand over the lapel of his suit coat. He looked so fucking hot tonight. There was no color in his hair for extra pizazz. No glitter, eyeliner, or lip gloss. Only Benny. I knew he’d come au naturel thinking it’s what I would have preferred. He would have been surprised to know that although I thought he looked amazing, I wouldn’t have minded his unique flash of style either.
“That’s a straight-up promise, honey.” He grinned wickedly before turning toward the short set of stairs leading to the bar area.
I watched him sidle past my self-important-looking coworkers, tossing a casual smile here or there as he signaled the bartender. I turned to survey the room for a moment before making my way toward the gigantic modern fireplace situated in the middle of the generous bank of windows lining the entire restaurant. The fireplace and view served as a stunning dual focal point to the restaurant’s simple décor. The space was a study in glass, crystal, and white linen. Huge autumnal floral arrangements flanked the mantel, and smaller matching bouquets were placed throughout the room to add a bit of drama to the otherwise stark ambiance. The resulting elegance spoke louder than gilt-framed mirrors and opulent centerpieces. It was gorgeous. A boisterous greeting jolted me from my reverie a moment later.
“Zeke! It’s good to see you. Glad you were able to make it tonight.”
“I wouldn’t miss it,” I said as I offered my hand and a phony grin to my boss, James Roderick III.
James was a distinguished-looking man in his late fifties. He was tall and robust with a shock of thick, white hair. I admired his shrewd business acumen. The man was a fierce negotiator and had an uncanny instinct for recognizing market trends. His moral compass, however, was somewhat lacking. I supposed it was best that he’d stopped trying to play the honorable “family man” card a couple years ago after his French mistress sued him for child support for their twin toddlers. His wife of thirty years was in the hospital undergoing an emergency mastectomy at the time. She eventually left him and made sure to take him to the cleaners on her way out.
I smiled vaguely at the blonde bombshell dressed in a skintight red dress at his side and immediately wished I’d gone with Benny to the bar. I hated this kind of bullshit. Dealing with early mornings, fluctuating international markets, and irate investors was preferable to an hour spent dressed in a monkey suit shooting the shit with a bunch of pretentious assholes I would never associate with outside of the office.
We talked business while his date sipped steadily on her cocktail, alternately casting her gaze from the bottom of her glass to the bar. She had the right idea, I thought as I turned to see what was keeping Benny. It was hard to see him from where I stood. Maybe he got stuck talking to one of the brokers’ wives. A good date would rescue his unsuspecting partner from unwanted conversation, I mused. I turned to say a quick good-bye to James when he raised a hand and gestured for a passerby to join us.
“Zeke, I think you know Clay. Please tell me you brought your lovely wife with you tonight,” James commented, patting Clay’s shoulder in the condescending manner he saved for these kinds of events. James was the kind of guy who barely grunted a greeting in the office but seemed to know more about you than you imagined when you talked for ten minutes at a company cocktail party.
“I do indeed. It’s good to see you, Clay,” I lied.
“Uh… you too. And yes, Lauren is here—”
“Wonderful! I was just telling Zeke….”
I studied Clay while James droned on about God knows what. He was dressed like me in a dark, well-cut suit, and though I didn’t want to admit it, he looked good. Like he’d lost a little weight and maybe even visited a tanning parlor. But he also looked… nervous. The thought alone made me smile. An evil grin slowly spread across my face. I’d been too busy recently to think twice about Clay or Taylor or any of the things that used to keep me up at night plotting and planning righteous retribution. But damn, I enjoyed watching the guy squirm.
I tuned in to the dull conversation about the weather in Texas and a college football game James planned on attending there the following weekend. I was grateful when someone waved James over, leaving Clay and me alone for a moment. The panic in his eyes took on a heightened quality. As much as I liked the idea that I made him uneasy, his reaction didn’t fit a chance encounter at a company function. I perversely wondered what he thought I’d do here.
“How’ve you been, Clay? I haven’t seen you in a wh—”
“He’s here and I am begging you not to say a word, Gulden.”
“Excuse me?” I narrowed my eyes and felt my forehead crease in confusion.
“Taylor is working tonight. Pierre hired him a month ago and—”
“Ahh! Got it.” I smirked, unable to stop my lips from curving in a cruel twist.
“Please. Don’t say anything. I’m—I need to make some changes, but with the baby and the boys, I just—”
“There you are!” Benny exclaimed, swooping in with my much-needed martini. “I’m too short to see above the crowd, and it doesn’t help that almost everyone is wearing black.” He stopped in his tracks when he recognized Clay. “Oh hi—how funny, I was just talking to your wife at the bar. Wait. There she is. Lauren!”
I spotted the pretty blonde woman in a short, black, stylish dress stepping around a waiter carrying appetizers. I ignored Clay’s anxious expression and smiled at her. This was unexpected. What were the chances of Clay and Taylor being in the same room with the two people they fucked over? I didn’t know how I felt anymore, but it didn’t strike me as the travesty it did six months ago. Forgiveness was a stretch, but maybe I really had moved on. If nothing else, I felt sorry for Lauren. At least I knew the score.
Benny was asking her a question about the new baby, but I noticed his shrewd gaze flitter between Clay and me. He knew something was up. I wanted to pull him against me, kiss his brow, and assure him everything was fine. Instead, I let myself float in a strange state of awareness. That silver platter Clay showed me months ago had been shined to perfection and been placed in my hands to do with as I pleased. I could play this a number of ways, but I was torn. I placed my hand on the small of Benny’s back. When he smiled up at me, I felt instantly grounded by his presence.
Benny asked Lauren about a musical she said she’d taken her boys to recently. I noted she didn’t look quite as happy and bubbly as she had a few months ago, but it was Clay I was more interested in. His brow glistened with sweat, and though he made a stalwart effort to pay attention to the conversation, it was obvious he was anxious as hell. I was grateful when someone stepped in to say a quick hello and ended our awkward foursome. I guided Benny toward another one of the partners, stopping to grab an hors d’oeuvre from a passing waiter’s tray.
“Two more quick hellos, then we’re outta here. Need another drink?”
“No. I’m fine. That was tense. What’s with you and Clay? Do you still hate him? I kind of thought you were over it,” he said with deceptive nonchalance as he moved closer to me to avoid an oncoming partygoer carrying two cocktails.
“Nothing’s going on, and yeah… I am over it.” I took a sip of my martini and stole another glance at Clay before scanning the room for Taylor. I wondered if Lauren suspected something was up. Maybe she’d been checking out the women in this crowd, looking for someone who stared a little too long. I tipped my glass back and handed it to the waiter. “I need another one.”
“Let’s treat ourselves on the way out. Where to next?”
I pointed to a small group in the corner where the other two partners were currently holding court. “There. Two at once. Lucky us.”
I steered Benny toward my colleagues. After a brief round of introductions and light conversation, we were joined by Stan Berkowitz, one of the more loquacious financial analysts at the firm. There was no w
ay to gracefully exit the discussion without rudely interrupting Stan. And he was on a roll.
“Everyone wants to talk profit, but if stability is questionable, the long-term picture changes drastically….”
Benny stifled a yawn and stepped backward, tapping the side of his glass to indicate he needed more alcohol for this. He slipped away quietly and headed toward the bar. Lucky bastard. It took another five minutes before I was able to gracefully step aside. I glanced toward the bar to find Benny, but I was too far away to spot him. I didn’t really care about the extra drink now, but since I was near the restrooms, I decided to make use of them and intercept my date on the way out.
I followed the discreet signage down a narrow hallway that appeared to dead-end at the women’s restroom. The men’s room was located to the right, down a shadowy alcove. I rounded the corner, pushed the door open, and immediately stopped in my tracks. Two men stood near the long marble countertop engaged in a seemingly mundane discussion. They weren’t standing too close. They weren’t actually even looking at each other. If I didn’t know them I would have assumed this was random friendly banter among strangers.
Alas… I knew better.
“Good evening, gentlemen.”
Taylor and Clay looked up in unison with matching horrified expressions. It was almost comical. I cocked my head and observed them for a moment. This was my first time seeing them together, and I had to admit, they were a nice-looking couple. Both were tall and muscular. I’d never thought of Clay as handsome, but there was something in the set of his shoulders and a confidence I hadn’t witnessed before that made me reconsider. Taylor, on the other hand, was as gorgeous as ever. His thick, dark blond hair was longer in the front and slicked back stylishly on the sides. If his tux didn’t have the mass-produced look of a high-end waiter, anyone would have been convinced he stepped off the pages of a magazine with his chiseled cheekbones and bright blue eyes.