by BTKT
Jax wanted to sit by her and ask why she wasn’t eating, because he knew she must be starving, but he remembered what she’d said earlier, about just wanting to be a regular person. She wouldn’t welcome him, or his concern.
So they walked past her table and went to the other side of the cafeteria.
He ate the food, which was maybe one step up from terrible, ignored the blonde’s constant chatter, and tried not to watch Sasha, but he totally failed when the newest lost soul left his table and walked back to sit next to her. The way he looked at her made Jax’s skin itch, but he stayed where he was. Whatever the guy said upset her enough that her face flamed, and she turned a little so her shoulder was between them.
Then the guy leaned close, said something in her ear, and slipped his hand into her lap.
Jax waited for her to shove the guy away and punch his lights out. She could do it, easily, because she was stronger, but instead, she began to cry while the son of a bitch moved his hand farther up her thigh and said God only knew what kinds of horrible things to her.
No one was looking. No one appeared to notice except him.
Which was, he suddenly realized, exactly what she wanted. They all believed she was cheap goods who had sex in front of a camera. To keep at least some of her dignity, she wanted to hide in plain sight, and for sure she didn’t want to make a scene.
She batted at his hand beneath the table, crossed her legs so he couldn’t get closer, and cried all the while, biting her lip so she didn’t make any noise.
Jax had a thousand years of self-discipline behind him, but nothing had ever been as hard to resist as the overpowering need to rip that guy’s head right off of his body. He clenched his jaw and watched, silently shouting at her to fight back.
Then the guy slid his hand across her back and reached beneath her arm to grab her breast; she looked at Jax, her eyes gigantic.
That’s when his self-restraint went right out the window.
---
She tried so hard not to let this jerk wad get to her, to convince him to leave her alone and go back to his table. She tried even harder not to look to Jax for help. What right did she have, when she’d told him to stay away from her?
But all she wanted, more than food, more than her next breath, was Jax. She wanted his deep voice, telling her everything would be okay. She wanted his warm arms around her, protecting her from this creeper—from Brett, East and all the others. She wanted his advice about how to fight the lie Brett had told about her.
She managed not to look at Jax when Scott said he knew what girls like her wanted, then proceeded to tell her, in graphic detail, just what that was, making her feel like yesterday’s garbage. He said if she’d do him and let him film it, he’d hang with her and maybe she wouldn’t have to eat lunch alone. His words made her cry, not from shame or fear, but from frustrated rage against Brett. He’d told her after calculus that if she’d join the Ravens, he’d make all this go away. She could hang with him and East and Julianne. She’d be like them.
Scott’s words made her cringe, made her cry, and his hand between her legs made her so mad, she wished she had longer nails so she could scratch hard enough to draw blood. She tried not to draw any attention, hoping and praying no one would notice what was happening, wouldn’t see Scott’s hand between her legs.
Then he grabbed her breast, and she gave up trying to get out of this without making a scene. An impulse she didn’t understand made her look toward Jax, and the instant she saw his face—his expression—she turned on Scott. Five seconds later, he was flat on his back, the metal lunchroom chair legs trapping his arms against his sides while she knelt on the seat and leaned over to say in a surprisingly even voice, “Touch me again, and I’ll chop off your hands. Ask me again to do you or to blow you, or even say hello to me, and I’ll chop off something else.”
He stared up at her with shock on his weasel face and fear in his eyes. “Jesus,” he whispered.
“Go back to your ski buddies and leave me alone.” Sasha shoved off of the chair, gathered up her backpack, and turned toward Jax, who looked ready to rip into Scott. Maybe he would have if Scott hadn’t already gotten out from under the chair, scrambled to his feet, and walked very quickly back to his table.
By now, everyone was staring, the whole lunchroom so quiet, she could hear the clink of forks and plates in the kitchen. Looking straight at Brett, she said, “You can spread lies about me, do whatever you want to me, but I’m never, ever going to join your stupid Ravens.”
He looked around at his friends and slowly shook his head, like he was trying hard to be patient. Leaning back so his chair was balanced on two legs, he said, “You’re dreaming if you think we’d let you join. The Ravens aren’t into skanks, Sasha.”
She wanted his chair to go over backward. So much she wanted that.
She almost jumped when it did. From behind her, Jax whispered, “Atta girl.”
“Did I do that?” she asked over her shoulder. “Damn straight.” Nervous laughter trickled through the lunchroom, until
Brett was on his feet and glaring at them. Then everyone became real interested in their lunch. A second later, the juniors rushed into the cafeteria and the moment was over. She was still a leper, but she decided she didn’t care. In the end, Brett would be gone, no longer able to seduce people desperate for someone, anyone to like them.
Turning, she moved a few inches closer to Jax.
“Why did you look to me if you were going to handle it yourself?” he whispered.
“I didn’t intend to do it myself. I didn’t know I could.” She touched his arm. “When I finally looked at you, I thought you were telling me to take him down, like you gave me permission.” She heard his quick intake of breath. “What?”
“It’s what I do, Sasha. My brothers always look to me for the go-ahead.”
Remembering that she didn’t consciously decide to look at him, that it was more an impulse, like holding her breath when she dove into a swimming pool, Sasha knew exactly what he meant. She didn’t like it, but she got it. Not only was she taking on some of his physical characteristics, she was becoming attuned to him the same way his brothers were. She wasn’t just growing stronger and gaining the ability to make a chair fall backward. She was becoming Mephisto. Taking a step back, she said quietly, “How soon will they be gone, Jax?”
With a deep sigh, he said, “I don’t know yet. We need Bruno around until he can lead us to a Skia meeting, but no one knows when that will be.”
“I hope it’s soon.” “Yes,” he said in a tired voice, “I’m sure you do.” “This is so hard, Jax. I don’t know how much longer I can stand it.” He had no expression at all. “Am I that repulsive to you?” “You’re that attractive to me. I can smell you from across the room, like hot cider with cinnamon and cloves. I can hear you breathe. I see every hair on your head, every breath you take, every time you clench your jaw. My mind imagines you kissing me, and it doesn’t stop there. I want to be with you all the time. I know this is all some kind of spell that’ll disappear when you’re gone. If that takes a long time, I’m not sure I can hold out.”
“Suppose this isn’t some kind of magic, that you actually like me, even just a little?”
“I don’t have to suppose. I do like you, a lot more than a little.”
“But you don’t want to be with me because of what I am,” he said dully. “Even if what I felt for you was real love, not lust or infatuation, you could never accept me.”
“Do you really understand what that means? Because I’m not so sure I do. My dad loved my mom with all his heart, accepted her just as she was, but I don’t know that she loved him the same way. It seems to me it can’t be real if it’s not returned.”
He looked genuinely hurt. “You’re right. Forget I said anything.”
Turning, he began to walk away, but she hurried to catch up and grasped his arm, moving to stand in front of him. “I didn’t mean I could never love you, Jax.”
&
nbsp; “I know.” “Then why are you walking away from me?” “Because it’s hopeless. I’ve known since the second I laid eyes on you that this is a pipe dream; that even if I figured out how to love you, no way you’d ever feel that way about me. You could. It’s possible. But you won’t. Why would you?”
She had no answer for that.
“Let it go, Sasha. I’m here to find out what I can from Bruno so we can move ahead. I’ll work as hard as I can to get it done as soon as possible, then I’ll be gone.” Reaching into his pocket, he withdrew a twenty and pressed it into her hand, “Get yourself some lunch, and tomorrow, put your money in your pocket instead of your backpack so nobody can steal it.”
“How did you know it was stolen?”
“Why else would you not have any lunch? I know you’re starving, and it’s important for you to eat. Until I’m gone, and you go back to how you were before, you’ll continue to change. You’re incredibly strong already, and that kind of strength requires lots of calories. If you don’t eat enough, you’ll begin to have trouble doing simple things, like walking. It’ll happen fast, so remember to eat every meal. Lots of protein.” Stepping around her, he walked away without looking back.
---
“Are you okay?” Brody asked him on the way to biology. “You look pretty rough, Jax.”
“I’m okay,” he lied, mostly because no way did he want to talk about it. Hearing Sasha as much as say she could never love him cut deep. He’d known it, thought he’d accepted it, but he guessed there was some part of him that still harbored hope.
“Don’t lose faith, and don’t give up.”
Jax stopped in the hall and looked at his favorite nerdy Lumina. “How many times could you hear a girl say she doesn’t want you, that she can’t wait for you to get out of her life, before you’d give up?”
Brody blinked at him from behind his geeky glasses. “If she looked at me the way Sasha looks at you, I could hear her say it a million times and I still wouldn’t give up.”
Jax was eaten up with frustration, grief, and rage. “She looks at me like that because of lust, little man. It’s got nothing to do with anything real, anything that lasts.”
Instead of looking offended, Brody said calmly, “Isn’t that how you look at her?”
“No!”
“Right. You also look at her as a means to an end. She can get for you what no other human can. Maybe you’re trying too hard to get her to change the way she thinks, when it should be you who changes.”
Jax turned away and began walking toward biology. Brody fell into step beside him. “I don’t know how,” Jax admitted. “You don’t have a clue what it’s like, Brody.”
“Your father managed to love someone.” He caught the dark look Jax shot at him, but carried on anyway. “She’s been gone a thousand years, and he still grieves, still misses her, still regrets he didn’t see what would happen to his son, didn’t step up and protect her by making God aware.”
What Jax felt for M was complicated. Having the dark angel of death for a father wasn’t easy, but he admitted Brody was right. And as much as M had loved their mother, she’d loved him. One of the Mephisto abilities was a photographic memory. They could remember everything that had happened since the very beginning, which was helpful at times, painful at others. Jax remembered exactly what his parents had been like with each other. They were polar opposites, and yet it had worked. “How do you suppose he convinced her?”
Brody shrugged. “Maybe she just accepted him as he was; or because he loved her, she saw something there that no one else saw.”
They reached biology and the conversation was over, but Jax continued thinking about it. He blew through the lab assignment, most of his mind occupied with what Brody said.
The rest of the day passed slowly. He and Brody sat next to Sasha in history, to make sure Bruno didn’t freak her out too much. The change was happening so quickly, she was already to a place where being around a Skia didn’t make her sick so much as angry. She sketched during his lecture, keeping her head down, but when he called on her to answer a question, Jax saw the look of hatred in her eyes.
He passed her a note. Curb it, or he’s going to be suspicious. She nodded and went back to her sketch. History was the last class of the day, so as soon as it was over,
he headed for the gym and went through a quick tryout. Coach Hightower said, “Did you play basketball at school in England?” “Yeah,” he lied, “and I’ve been playing with my brothers for
a long time.” Since the game was invented, actually. “Pretty impressive, Jax. We need a center. Interested?” “Sure thing, Coach.” And just like that, he was on a team. For two hours, he was all about basketball, and when practice was over, things didn’t look quite so gloomy. If Brody was right, maybe all hope wasn’t lost.
Before he left the building, he went to the office where Bruno had a desk and quickly looked through it, but he found nothing about the Skia meeting.
Part of him was glad. Until they found the information they needed, he could stay at school, be around Sasha, and maybe, just maybe, figure out a way to keep her.
nine
the only highlight of the rest of sasha’s bummer first day of school was when she got back to the Shrivers’ and Tim said from his recliner, “You’ll probably be happy to know, Melanie has gone to Colorado Springs to do some shopping. She’ll be home on Wednesday.”
Sasha was more than happy—she was ecstatic. She’d dreaded seeing her aunt again, but now she had a two-day reprieve. It seemed Tim was just as happy about it. Looking at him, so huge and miserable, she asked, “Why do you stay married?”
He sighed, making his belly shake. “It’s complicated, kiddo. A long time ago, before I knew about her mental problems, I loved her. She really can’t help how she is, and I used to think it would get better, but it never did; then one day I realized I just didn’t care anymore. But I’m almost fifty, and I have so many health issues, it’s easier to stay. Even if she has her spells, she takes care of me. Besides, she’s the boys’ mother, and they need her.”
If her day hadn’t been depressing enough, it was now.
Tossing her backpack to the couch, she sat down and looked at the TV, tuned to CNN. “Did Mom give you a copy of my birth certificate? They need it at school, and I don’t have one, so I was wondering if you do.”
He didn’t answer, and she turned to look at him, noticing he seemed more red in the face than usual. “Everything okay?”
“Fine, fine. Just feeling a little under the weather today.” He glanced at her before returning to the news. “Don’t worry about the birth certificate. I’ll go by the school and square things for you.”
“So you do have a copy?” He cleared his throat. “I’ll get it.” She wondered why he was being so weird about it. “Thanks,
Tim. The secretary also said you need to sign some stuff for me to be officially enrolled, so it’d be great if you go by.”
“Consider it done.” He cleared his throat again but didn’t say anything else.
When the silence grew awkward, she gathered up her backpack and headed for the stairs.
“I’m making chicken and rice for dinner, so be down here at six.”
“Okay.” She went to her room and started on homework, glad that Brett was at basketball practice so she could put off seeing him for a while.
When she went back down for dinner, she was ready for a showdown, but he wasn’t there. Tim said from the stove, “Looks like it’s just you, me, and Chris. Brett went over to the Easter kid’s house for dinner.”
She was almost disappointed, instead of relieved. She had wanted to see if Brett would be bold enough to stand by his lie when she confronted him about it at dinner, in front of his dad, who she was quickly learning didn’t get along with his oldest son. Chris was his obvious favorite, just as Brett was obviously Melanie’s.
On the upside, his absence meant more food, and she didn’t hesitate when Tim offered her a second chicke
n breast. She ate a lot of rice, and took a second slice of cake for dessert.
Chris didn’t say much, like always, but he looked at her when he said to Tim, “Kinda nice without Mom and Brett.”
“That it is,” Tim said as he lifted his bulk from the table and went back to his recliner.
That night, her dreams were once again filled with Jax, but they took a darker turn, strangely dangerous, more erotic, and she woke up blushing.
Tuesday came, and she was so glad to see him again. “Hi, Jax,” she said, standing next to his seat in English.
He looked up at her and smiled. “Hey, Sasha.” He looked like he was waiting for her to say something, but she was suddenly tongue-tied, and she walked away, to a seat at the front, as far away from Brett as she could get.
She didn’t listen when people read aloud from The Metamorphosis, dwelling instead on Jax, fighting with herself over whether she should try to talk to him, to apologize for what had happened at lunch yesterday.
By the end of class, she’d convinced herself she should say something, but when she headed toward him, he turned away and walked out with Thomas and Brody, Bubbles the Blonde hot on his heels.
Watching him leave, she realized she’d definitely burned the bridge. She felt way more sad about that than she did about being Superloser at Telluride High, although the shunning was getting to her.
At her locker after English, she heard Julianne tell her bees, “Brett says she got a backstage pass at a Kings of Leon concert and did every one of them in the dressing room.”
“Ew, gross! She’s gotta have a disease,” one said. “She is a disease,” another said. Brett enjoyed her misery, it was clear. She’d humiliated him in the lunchroom, and publicly announced she was a no way on the Ravens, so she was now subjected to nonstop insults and taunts. When she walked past him in the hall after Spanish, he said, “Hey, Internet Inga, who’re you filming with today?”