I love you.
I might not have been the one who gave you life, but I treasured you. I chose to love you, it wasn’t ‘just’ biology – The day you called me Mom, was the best moment of my life because you chose me, too. Love – so much love, too much for inadequate words.
Remember to live, Erin. You have the power to move mountains. Be unafraid, because even if you fall, I know you have the strength to keep climbing.
You are my greatest achievement; you are your own greatest achievement. You are beautiful, inside and out.
So, until we meet again, my beautiful girl, know death cannot stop my love for you. l, and despite of the sadness in it, I hope it is a long time, remember that I will never stop loving you. The love we share is not a bond that even death can break. Live your life for you, for me, so you have a whole new adventure to tell me about the next time we meet.
I’ll love you forever,
Mom
Xx
Epilogue
“No one you love,
is ever truly lost.”
~ Ernest Hemmingway
I stand on the grass, watching as they lower Monica into the ground, barely holding myself together. Its times like this that Mason is my rock. The anchor that keeps me steady in the storm that beats down on me. He is so strong, beautiful inside and out, and entirely selfless.
Surrounded by people I barely know, watching as the woman who was my life force says her final goodbyes, I comforted by the fact that she’s no longer in pain, and that wherever she is now, I know she’ll be happy. Careless. Free. But most importantly, I know she’s not really gone. I see her eyes and wisdom when I look to Jamie, I feel her love when I feel the warm breeze caress my shoulders. When I close my eyes, I can still see her face, smiling at me, love shining in her eyes.
I lean into Mason as Jamie says the last blessing for Monica. He’s keeping it together, but I can see he’s more than a little broken.
“May her soul and the souls of all the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in peace.” I hear quiet sobs of friends of Monica’s huddle together and offer each other comfort. There are so many people here, more than I expected, but it’s testament to how she touched lives with love and kindness. I don’t know them very well; she mainly kept that side of her to herself, but there are people from her classes, as well as people from Rocky Falls community.
There’s also a man stood a little apart, accompanied by a younger woman who I’m guessing is maybe his daughter. I don’t know him but he’s the man from the photo I found tucked inside Monica’s purse. I think she might have loved him. From the way he is looking at her in the picture, I know he loved her. I wonder why she never told me about him, but Monica, for all her love of a full house, was a private person when it came to matters of her own heart. She created a world at home where I was at the very center of it; made me believe I the only one in the world she truly loved. I know I should speak with him, but something stops me. If Monica had wanted that, she would have said so. Instead, our eyes meet and he offers me a respectful nod before disappearing with his daughter. She’s holding his arm as if holding him up. I guess we all need somebody to do that for us, no matter how strong, old, or wise we become.
I look around and smile at the love she was gifted with. Not one person here is in black, as per her wishes. She would be so happy with how today went, and that thought makes me laugh and cry all at once.
Mason squeezes me tighter, not saying a word, because really, what is there to say that hasn’t been said? All I can do now is try and honor her wishes by moving forward with my life.
“Are you ready?” Mason asks. I look up and realize it’s just the two of us still stood here.
“I don’t think I’ll ever be really ready, you know?”
“I do. I felt the exact same way when my parents passed, but what I know is, they never really leave us. They’re always in here,” he says, bringing my hand to his chest. “But they’d hate it if we didn’t keep living; We honor them in everything we do.”
“When did you get so wise, Mr. Knight?”
“The day I realized you were going to be mine, Mrs. Knight.”
We stand there, hands entwined. A butterfly dances past us and lands on the bouquet of flowers I’ve laid next to Monica’s grave.
That’s when I know she’s here with us – and that she’s happy.
“Let’s go home,” I tell him, knowing that despite everything, he will always be right here by my side. No matter what. Just like Monica told me he would be. I will miss her every day, but I know she’ll never truly leave me.
The End
Acknowledgements
I have so many thank you’s to say for this book, and I’m just not sure how I’m going to remember them all. As with any book, you put a part of yourself in them, but this book hits so close to home with a lot of things, it’s been a very personal road to travel down, and to share it with the world has not been a small thing.
Thank you to Danni, Ani & Mila for always dropping whatever to go through the latest words and keep my guided.
Thank you to Rose, for being my ego when I need it the most, and my fiercest cheerleader.
To my mom, for telling me to follow my dreams and follow my heart, this book wouldn’t exist without that.
I also want to thank my editor and friend Katie, for always being there when I faltered with this book, it was by far, the hardest thing I’ve written to date, and when I told her it felt like I was ripping the story straight from my soul, she told me keep my chin up and just keep tearing. This book wouldn’t be what it is without you.
To Jamie, for being my harshest critic, because you knew that I knew, that that is real love.
Finally, thank you to you, the reader, for taking a chance on this. It’s so far from my normal work, and stepping outside of my comfort zone was exhilarating and terrifying all at once. Thank you for sticking with me on this journey, I hope you loved these guys as much as I did.
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