by Tia Lewis
I couldn't help but let every negative thought engulf my mind. I thought of all the beautiful moments that John and I shared together and how they were completely shattered within minutes. How did all of that happen so quickly? How could he devalue our entire experience together by throwing it away without a second thought? I thought he loved me, he told me he loved me. I gave him everything, and he gave me nothing in return. I felt as though I had lost every single thing I had worked for, every single thing that brought me happiness.
I stayed in the stall until I was done crying. After a few minutes, I unlocked the door and walked out to wash my face in the sink. I closed my eyes, splashing cold water onto my red face. I looked in the mirror at my sad, swollen eyes. The sight of my ravaged face made me want to start crying again, but I held it in, knowing that I needed to go back to work.
When I walked out of the bathroom, I felt someone tap me on my shoulder. When I turned around, I saw Lucas standing there. Lucas was the ER Pharmacist that had just transferred from New York City. He was originally from the Dominican Republic and still had a flawless olive tan. Lucas was about 6'4" with broad shoulders and light brown eyes. Since he had lived in New York from the age of eight, he didn't have much of an accent, but I always found it sexy when he spoke Spanish.
Lucas opened his arms wide and hugged me against his chest. As he held me against his firm chest, I could feel the wetness from my eyes soaking his white lab coat. When he released me from the tight embrace, he wiped a single tear from my cheek. "Are you alright, Anna? I heard you crying in the bathroom, so I wanted to wait outside to make sure you were okay."
"Yeah, I just got some bad news. Was I being loud?" I said, feeling rather embarrassed.
"Eh, it's nothing to worry about. I don't think anyone else heard you. Are you sure you're alright? Do you want to talk about whatever it is that happened?" Lucas offered kindly.
"No, it's fine. I'd rather not talk about it, but thank you for checking on me, that is really sweet of you," I said.
Lucas pulled a pack of tissues out of his pocket and handed it to me. "Here you can hold onto these. I have a feeling you might need them more than me right now."
I accepted the tissues and thanked him. I went to the pharmacy every day to get medication for the patients from Lucas, but we had only had personal conversations about once or twice before. Now that I was taking the time to look at him up close, I couldn't help but notice the flecks of gold in his brown eyes or how his teeth were astonishingly straight and white. He even had dimples. I was surprised I had never taken the time to observe him before. I had heard a lot of the other nurses attempting to flirt with him, but I had been so distracted with John that I never took the time to think why so many women wanted him. Lucas was more attractive than I ever gave him credit for. But I couldn't focus on any of that right now.
"Thank you, really. You didn't have to do that," I said, giving him another hug. I was really appreciative of him being so nice to me. I needed it more than ever, especially since John had just disposed of me so quickly. It was nice to have someone make a kind gesture. "Alright, well I'm sure I'll see you sooner than later, I've got to get back to my station."
"Oh yeah, of course. See you around. Hey wait, do you have any plans tonight? I was going to go out to dinner with some of the other nurses and EMTs to celebrate my birthday after work, would you like to join us? It might cheer you up," Lucas suggested, he offered a warm smile.
"Tonight? Yeah, I'd love to join you guys," I said. "Happy Birthday, Lucas."
"Thanks! Alright, see you tonight then," Lucas smiled, put his hands in his pockets and awkwardly walked away. When he got halfway down the hallway, he turned around back toward me. I couldn't help but smile when he gave me a thumbs up and waved.
The rest of the day I couldn't help but feel as though my heart might be broken forever. I tried to avoid making eye contact with John when I saw him in the hallways. No one from HR approached me about the situation during my shift. I assumed that John was going to be in more trouble than I was. Even though I was still mad at him, I hoped that they would not use him as an example. I loved John and wanted the best for him, even if he didn't want the best for me. I guess that's how I knew I really loved him. I wanted his life to be perfect, even if that meant I couldn't be in it. I had never felt betrayed this way before, and it hurt.
I was relieved to have plans at the end of my shift. The last thing I wanted was to go home alone and dwell on the events of the day. Going out with Lucas and some of my other co-workers would be the perfect way to get my mind off of the rest of the day's events. I had a good time at the restaurant, I enjoyed getting to know Lucas outside of work. He really was an honest, genuine person with a playful spirit. It was really refreshing to be around. I had a great time, but John was still in the back of my mind.
By the time I left the restaurant, I hoped there would be a long voicemail from John explaining himself, apologizing for making such a big mistake and forever making me question our love for each other. I thought he would say all the right things and beg for forgiveness. I thought I would maybe drive to his Malibu home so that we could talk about our fight, talk about our relationship, talk about how we want to put our love before anything else. I thought he would want me to know how much I mean to him and that he never wants me to cry again. I thought and hoped for a lot of things, but none of them happened.
I looked at my phone's screen. There were no missed calls, no texts, no emails, nothing from John. That was the moment I knew I had truly lost him. That was the moment I knew what it was like to have my heart broken by the one I love.
John
The worst mistake you can make is to walk away from the person who actually stood there and waited for you. I had just made the biggest mistake of my life, but I wasn't ready to look at it just yet. It had been three weeks since I had let the love of my life walk out of my office with tears pouring down her beautiful face. Three weeks since I had kissed her lips or held her close to my heart. Three weeks since I had told her how much I loved her.
I knew I had made a big mistake, but I was letting my ego get in the way of admitting I was wrong. I was falling back into my old ways where I focused on myself and career more than anyone or anything else. These old habits that had made me feel so comfortable and safe before were now preventing me from true happiness with the one I loved.
In the last three weeks, Anna hadn't said one word to me, and I hadn't tried to reach out to her. It was as if everything we were attempting to build was a dream. When we passed each other in the hallway, her eyes didn't even so much as drift in my direction. She kept her focus fixed in front of her as if I was just another coworker passing by. I couldn't imagine how much I had hurt her, how it must have felt for her to think that I didn't care. I had started convincing myself that she didn't care for me anymore, either. How could she care about me when I had treated her so poorly? I knew I shouldn't have let go of her so quickly; I should have tried to fight for us.
Anna was right when she said I was afraid of commitment. That was something I had been trying to work on for a long time. I thought I was making progress, but our break up had only launched me backward. I fell back into my same routine. I would simply spend all of my time focused on work and only go home to eat, sleep, and shower. The only good thing that came out of the breakup was that I didn't lose my job. The administration gave me an ultimatum to either end my "affair" with Anna or resign. They were happy to hear it was over before the meeting even occurred. I was happy to have secured my position and let them know that this would not happen again. I figured it was safe to assume they would not give Anna any trouble since they knew it was over. I was an influential figure at the hospital so I knew they would not want to let go of me too easily, and I was happy they felt the same way toward Anna.
I still felt protective over Anna. She deserved the world. Even though it had been three weeks, she was still constantly on my mind. I didn't eat a meal without thinking ab
out all of the times we cooked together. I didn't dream without thinking about holding her in my arms. I didn't drive to work without thinking about her favorite songs or the funny expressions she would get on her face when she sang out of tune. There were so many special moments to reflect on, but they only made me feel even worse for telling Anna that I didn't want to be in a relationship with her.
Anna had a special place in my heart, but I wondered if I was the best person for her. After all of the damage I had done, I knew I was capable of hurting her to the core. She deserved more than that. Anna deserved someone who would love her without hesitation. Maybe she needed someone who wasn't as damaged as me. Anna had been there for me every step of the way. Through hell and back, she never once wanted to leave me by myself. I took advantage of that, of everything she offered, which was all that she had. I felt as though I was too late. I had already lost her, and everything that I felt for her didn't matter anymore.
I shouldn't have abandoned her. I had made her fall for me and then wasn't there to catch her. I made her trust me, I made her think I wasn't like all of the other guys. Now, in her eyes, I'm not like all of the other guys—I'm worse.
I thought the best thing I could do for Anna was to leave her alone. I needed to stay far away from her to protect her from myself. All along, I knew I wanted Anna. I hoped that we were moving toward a relationship, but when the moment came when she asked to be mine, I didn't know how to handle it. I wasn't ready. I was so worried about the outcome of my career that I forgot the whole reason I chased Anna in the first place was because my career wasn't all that fulfilling by itself. I needed more, I needed her. But how could I really feel that I was good for her after everything I had done?
Every day when I got to my office, I would flip through pictures of us on my phone. I didn't want to start my day without seeing her face. I remembered the sound of her voice, the taste of her skin, the feeling of her soft fingers gripping into my back, the smell of her sweet perfume.
One day, as I was sitting in my office, daydreaming about the time Anna and I took a trip to Santa Barbara, I heard her laugh echo through the hallway. I felt a thrill crawl down my spine, knowing she was nearby. I heard the sound of Anna's voice become louder and then quieter again as she passed by my door. I could tell she was walking with someone. I heard another deep voice laugh with her. I wondered if she had started seeing someone else already. I had to know who she was talking to.
I opened my office door and looked down the hallway. Just as she was about to turn a corner, I saw her look back in my direction. For half of a second, we made eye contact. I felt a lump form in my throat as her blue eyes settled on mine. She looked just as beautiful as the first time I saw her. I couldn't help but notice the light in her eyes fade when she saw me. It was the first time I ever saw her become upset by my presence. From the quick glimpse I caught, I noticed she was walking with someone with broad shoulders who was wearing a lab coat; I knew it had to be Lucas, the pharmacist.
I couldn't help myself; I wanted to follow after them. I wanted to know what they were talking about; I wanted to know what had been on Anna's mind after all this time—after three weeks of drowning myself in our memories and lost love.
Anna rounded the corner and kept talking to Lucas. She kept talking as if she was unfazed by my presence. I felt drawn toward her. I left my doorway and headed in her direction. When I rounded the corner, I saw Anna and Lucas stop right in front of the pharmacy. Anna flashed her gorgeous smile, reaching her arms out to hug Lucas. I had observed them talking more often over the last few weeks. It didn't seem like anything more than a work crush, something innocent and brief. I was keeping an eye out to make sure that he was treating her with respect without crossing any lines. So far it seemed to be a platonic friendship. He was known as being a heartthrob around the hospital, but I was never impressed by him.
Lucas didn't seem to have much to offer other than his good looks. Lucas was good at playing the "nice guy" card. He put up a good facade around the women he wanted to impress; it was easy for me to see straight through that. Lucas and I had "dated" some of the same women before. Sometimes it felt as though he was secretly competing with me in a weird way, but there was a difference in the way Lucas and I went about entertaining women. If I wasn't interested in pursuing something serious, I was always straightforward about that from the beginning. Lucas, on the other hand, would rather make women think they were about to enter a relationship with him and then dispose of them after fucking once or twice. He liked the idea of having a lot of "trophies" that he could show off to his friends at the gym. I was more than familiar with Lucas' type. I knew he was incapable of treating a woman with respect. He just couldn't compare to the greatness that Anna deserves.
As they embraced in a hug, I felt as though it was lasting a little too long for comfort. I could feel my blood start to boil the longer she held onto him. As she pulled him in tighter, I saw Lucas reach down and cup her round ass with his right hand. Anna laughed and playfully slapped his arm. I felt my hand clench into a fist.
Anna gave Lucas a quick kiss on the cheek, telling him she would see him later. I wondered how she could be so careless about her public display of affection after we had already been in trouble for it once. I suppose she would have asked me the same thing.
I tried to gather my thoughts while I watched Lucas unlock the pharmacy and walk inside. Anna wasn't mine anymore, and it wasn't right for me to try to invade in her personal decisions and life. At the same time, I couldn't help but feel extremely protective and aware of her needs. Anna wasn't the type of woman that you could casually play around with and then toss away. I didn't know much about Lucas, but I already hated him.
As Anna turned around another corner while heading to the nurses' station, I started to quickly walk toward the pharmacy. I wasn't thinking straight. I knew that I was being overcome by anger and jealousy, but I didn't care. I had to say something. I couldn't just stand by and let this happen right in front of me.
I stormed into the pharmacy, throwing the door open so hard that it slammed against the wall, startling Lucas as he jumped and turned around.
"Dr. Michaels? What are you doing?" Lucas said, setting some prescription bottles down on the counter before taking his gloves off.
I closed the door and locked it. I rushed over to Lucas, pushing him up against the wall by his throat. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was confused and conceited at the same time. I was grabbing his throat enough to keep him still but not hard enough to actually choke him.
"What the fuck are you doing!" Lucas yelled, grabbing my wrist as he tried to pull my hands away. "Stop it, man! You've lost your mind!"
"Stay away from Anna. I swear to God, stay the fuck away from her," I spat, bringing my face closer to his. "This is your first and last warning. If you touch her again, I will ruin your life."
When I let go of Lucas, he fell forward but quickly stood up straight again, grabbing at his neck. I adjusted my tie and tucked my shirt in again.
Lucas' face contorted into a devious smile. "I can't promise Anna will stay away from me. She knows what she wants… and what she doesn't." Lucas raised an eyebrow, looking me up and down. "Yeah, Anna told me all about the two of you. How you manipulated her and broke her heart…"
"You don't know what you're talking about," I said softly. I knew Lucas was just trying to get inside my head. There was no way Lucas could understand the magnitude of my connection with Anna, but I would not stand for him to devalue our relationship.
Lucas took a step closer to me. He was still smiling, but his eyes were colder than ever. "I think I might know more than you think. You might have been her first love, but I'm going to be her first lust. I know you're just mad because I'm going to fuck her better than you ever did. Maybe I'll even fuck her on top of your desk. If you play nicely, I might let you smell my fingers after."
As soon as the words left his mouth, I clenched my fist and hit Lucas as hard as I c
ould in the jaw. Lucas fell backward onto the ground from the force of the blow. I picked up my foot and set it on his chest, leaning down toward him. "Don't ever talk to Anna again. Don't look at her, don't think about her, don't even breathe the same air as her. If I ever find out that you put even a finger on her, I will ruin your life. You will regret the day you ever got this job. Don't fuck with me."
I didn't wait for Lucas to respond. I took my foot off of his chest, hearing him coughing as I turned around to leave the room. When I walked into the hallway, there was a nurse standing there in shock. I knew she had heard everything but I was so angry I didn't even care about the repercussions. Lucas had crossed a line with me. He had just revealed himself as my enemy, and I wasn't going to let him poison Anna.
I adjusted my coat and tie as I walked back toward my office. I had a lot of important work to do the rest of the day; I didn't want to let Lucas distract me from it. At the same time, I wanted Anna to know what a piece of shit Lucas was. I wondered if she would even listen to me if I tried to warn her. Would it come off as a caring gesture or would it make me look jealous and overbearing? The last thing I wanted was for my decision to push Anna even closer to Lucas. Now I knew he was manipulative enough to spin it in his favor.
I walked into my office, closing and locking the door behind me. I sat down, feeling the leather of the chair underneath me. I put my elbows on the desk and set my head into my hands. What had I just done? Why would I make an impulsive decision to assault a co-worker because he touched someone I loved—someone that I was too afraid to be with? Was this all karma for hurting Anna? Had I really just jeopardized my career once again for my own self-interest?
I needed to get my life under control. My job was the only thing I had left. I could feel the rage still flowing in my chest. I wanted to go back to the pharmacy to finish beating the shit out of Lucas, but there was no use. I wasn't really mad at Lucas; I was mad at myself. I was mad that I could be capable of losing someone that means so much to me. After all of the time I spent searching for someone that would accept me for my genuine self, why would I want to run away? Why would I want to make Anna think that I second guessed our relationship?